the pain goes away, right?

[BenThereDunThat]

Hello,

I'm not really sure where to start. I just know that I have reached a point that I need to seek outside help.

I consider myself to be somewhat attractive, even pretty on my good days. I have an outgoing personality and am generally a happy person.

In May 2005, I married someone I was not in love with. I was 36, never been married, no children. By November 2005 I realized that I was not happy and no matter how difficult it would be, I needed to start thinking about getting out. There was a lot of drinking, drugs, and money issues. Issues that prior to this relationship, I had no problems with. Also, we had sex only once after we were married, and I had to initiate it.

In February 2006, I told my husband how unhappy I was and asked him to move out. He did, but was devastated.

Right around this time I became emotionally involved with a married co-worker. He is everything my husband was not. Educated, funny, successful, takes care of himself. The connection we had felt very powerful.

I did not seek this relationship out. It evolved over emails, chats, lunches and physical intimacy. The intimacy was the most amazing thing I had ever experienced. It was, of course, a bumpy ride. At first I told myself I was just fulfilling a need. Then it turned into love. He told me he loved me, had never felt this way before, never had this passion before. There were times when it was downright beautiful.

But he's married, been married for 17 years, no children. Has no intention of leaving his wife. Of course, I couldn't go on that way, so I ended it. Several times. Although we never got back together physically, we kept on with the emotional emails and chats. Finally, I had enough, and ended it for good. He wanted to remain friends and still chat. I can't do that, I can't turn the emotion off. It hurts that he can. Unfortunately, after a few beers, I inevitably send him hurtful emails.

He says he wants me to be happy, wishes he could have given me more, he's sorry for letting things go as far as they did. He wants to "help" me. He just wanted me to "feel loved and for me to see myself as the wonderful woman that I am." and to always remember that "he fell too, and is also hurting."

I feel so angry, manipulated, duped!

I am having such a hard time getting over this. I know I need to accept the pain and let it pass but I feel like I've done that several times over. This has left me feeling rejected, not good enough, like a dirty secret. I knew it was a stupid thing to get involved in and I did it anyway. So I'm also trying to maintain some responsibility for my own actions.

But in the meantime, I just can't seem to get out of this hole. And I really want to. I want my joy back! I unexpectedly met his wife for the first time yesterday and now today I have barely gotten out of bed.

Thank you for any advice or help you can offer.

[Walking away]

You will heal. It takes time, but it will happen.

 

I didn't think I would ever recover from my MM, but I did. I went through alot of heartache during the affair, so it was kind of a relief when it was finally over.

 

Not that I didn't grieve. I did. Heavily. But, then the sun came out and the dark clouds went away.

 

Have faith. The best is yet to come for you. You deserve more than pieces of a man. You deserve a WHOLE man. One that will want to be with you and only you.

 

Keep telling yourself that you deserve more and now you are free to find it when the timing is right.

 

Once you make it through the dark storm, you will see that you will be fine. It just takes time and patience and strength.

 

Hugs

WA

[ladyzero]

Gosh, with the exception of a few details (we're both married, he ended it), you could've written my story. So hard to let go when it was so awesome, isn't it? My MM said a lot of similar things when it ended. He's hurting too, it's not easy, not what he wants, but what can he do? I don't think he's turned off his emotions; I just think men tend to deal differently.

 

I'm still trying to get over my MM, some days I don't think I ever will be. What you described, being left feeling not good enough, etc, is all very normal stuff for affairs from what I've read/heard. It's the nature of the beast. The anger will pass. I've come to a place lately where I can actually wish him well, can hope that his marriage becomes everything he wants it to be.

 

Be kind to yourself. ((((HUGS)))) to you.

[BenThereDunThat]

WA and ladyzero - thank you. I'm so glad I found this site. I really need to be reminded that the storm clouds will pass and hearing it from others really, really helps!