Non Committal ...

[TiredOfWaiting]

OK, well MM's D-date is 29/09/2005.

 

Have posted here before ... almost 4 years, he has been "confused", the W instituted all proceedings, if it werent for her they would not be getting D.

 

Then about 6 weeks ago he took the W and kids away for the weekend AFTER they decided they were going ahead with the D. Huh??! That was the last straw for me, and since then our relationship (if you could call it that) has been very strained and aggressive. I refuse to see him socially.

 

So it's crunch time, and guess what - he is STILL non-committal.

He refuses to move out of the home until he receives his portion of the proceeds, which may be 2-3 months after the D, yet he spends alot of money on luxuries items for his biker lifestyle. I have told him that situation is unacceptable to me, but he doesn't care.

 

We do not see one another at all, now that he has moved over to another part of the company. There is email and telephone contact.

 

He displays no emotion, makes no reference to a future with me, although he makes comments like "I hope all the losses I am making will be worth it in the end ...". Its always "we'll see", "time will tell". Claims I am placing too much pressure on him.

 

In the meantime, I am trying to live a normal existance, but this is very difficult as I do not know how to approach social situations.

"Am I single? Well, yes, but not really, you see I'm STILL waiting ..."

 

Sooooooooooo frustrating!

 

I do not know what to believe or how to feel or how to proceed from here on out.

 

I am afraid to LIVE. I am afraid I will meet someone, and then MM says "I love you, I want to be with you". Then what?!

 

Please, anyone who has been through this situation, advice please!

[LauraBancroft]

Why should you be afraid to live? You are losing out on so much by straining yourself and waiting. He should be the one afraid of losing you to someone else.

 

Your post says a lot. His cold nature, it says that he may be having second thoughts and if he is not giving you what he once was it means his fun has run out and now he is being smacked right in the face with a 2x4 of reality, and he isn't handling it well. Tough!!! These MM's need to learn that they can not mess with other peoples lives and think that it will be all roses and fun and games and then when it becomes serious, of course you know it's not their doing (sarcasm), then they want to play the cool card. You know what I think you know you're better than this and in the social scene yes you should present yourself as single. If you meet someone along the way that you fall for and treats you better, is single, and you can really get along with then that's too bad for the MM. My suggestion to you would be to get out of this and start living for you, not this MM, you're losing your identity by trying to hang onto him.

[LucreziaBorgia]

You may want to try to find a way to get over that fear - even if it means counseling for yourself. It sounds like you are setting yourself up for the mother of all disappointments if you end up with that "prize" of a man after four years.

 

It sounds to me like you are expecting him to somehow inherently change when your affair becomes an actual relationship. He came to you in a relationship based on lies and deception. He continues to lie to both you and his wife. He is non-commital, passive-aggressive, and irresponsible with money. I did not see a single thing you posted that suggested you were happy and in love. I did not see a single thing to suggest that he loves you. All I saw was a desperate clutch at a "deadline" and blind hope and wishful thinking, with a lying, manipulative, passive-aggressive jerk of a MM at the middle of it.

 

I know that "I don't know him like you do" but if what you posted is what you are experiencing, then I know enough to tell you that there is no pot of gold at the end of this rainbow. Hell, there isn't even a rainbow!

 

It sounds like you have this fantasy of how 'different' he will be when he is with you. I think the only 'different' thing you will notice is your own shattered expectations when - after a four year wait - this "prize" becomes a "plague".

 

I hope you will be able to make the necessary break and try to rebuild from the four years this MM basically took from you - and be able to move forward and find someone who not only wants to be with you, but is completely free to do so and can offer you more than the average MM crumbs and lies.

[whichwayisup]

Don't put your life on hold for this man. He isn't worth it and honestly, even if the two of you end up together, could you actually trust him fully?

 

The others are right and I will add in as well, try some one on one therapy to help you cope with this. There is so much in life that you could be happy with, including another man, a single man who will love just you and treat you so much better.

 

Don't be second best. Be first.

[foolinlove]

TiredofWaiting, I totally know how you are feeling.....my feelings are...if I show I am interested in other people now....after everything he has done for me, is that telling him I'm losing interest? is it showing him now that hes done what he finally said he would, I am bailing? I know the feeling of the point where you can't take ANYMORE. I think by him taking the family on holiday, it is his way of saving face, with them and with his own mind. My MM feels terrible for the pain he has caused his W and family, he knows he should have handled it differently, however, he can't help who he loves. Some may disagree, but I think you should give him time and space. Tell him when he is ready to be with YOU, then you will give yourself to him, however I think if he sees you with other men, it will drive him back to his family thinking he made a mistake and the "game" is over for you. I often think that MM may have the impression that OW want what they can't have and when they get it...the "game" is over. Which is totally not the case for MOST.

 

Remember, even as he goes through this divorce he is going to go through "stages" in his mind. He'll feel like a heel for doing what hes done, he won't want to be seen with another woman so soon after his divorce for fear of hurting the wife and family, he hopefully will come to terms with what done is done and even tho what he did was wrong, he still deserves to be happy.

 

I know how you are hurting....I know that you deserve better, but you have waited 4 years for this man, and he is finally doing what he said he would....give him a little time to come to terms with his transition. I fear that while waiting for my MM, I may have let go of "the one" because I was so closed off to anyone but him. But that is the chance I was and am willing to take for this man, because I truely love him, and i think you feel the same.

 

In the mean time, do things for yourself. Join a yoga class, take up painting, anything but play head games with yourself about what is going on. You will know when its time to move on....maybe that time is now....maybe not...I guess that is life..you just never know! Hope this helps...

[aires_girl4380]

Sadly there isnt an easy answer to this, my only advice is to follow your heart, make mistakes......thast the only way to end up with no regrets.

Simple minded maybe, but you have to live for you & if your ok waiting then wait. If you have had enough, then move on.....good luck!

[TiredOfWaiting]

Thanks to all for their feedback.

 

Lucrezia, as always you are wise, wise, wise. I will say this: he does love me, I do love him, but there has been so much stalling, confusion, and ups and downs that I do not feel "in love" at the moment.

 

Yes, I have to find a way to face my fear of being alone. I am considering therapy.

 

I have come to realise that he is also in a state of emotional turmoil, and therefore lacks the capacity to deal with me, or even give anything back to me at this stage. I am not making excuses for him, but I am trying to be as realistic, black & white as possible, and almost take the "you owe me" factor out of it.

 

FoolInLove: yes I am scared that he will perceive my having a life outside of him, as losing interest. Fact is, I have dated 3 other men in the time that I have known MM when we have been in our "off" stages, and not one of them lasted beyond 2 months. I am sick and tired of defending myself to him, and if me STILL being around after all this time is not enough of a message for him, then he needs to have his head read!

 

I just have to find a way to shift the focus from HIM to ME, and taking care of my emotional needs and healing.

 

The BIG issue for me, is wanting the past 4 years to have meant SOMETHING, to have had a result. I do not know how to let go of those years, if that is what I eventually have to do.