Mermaid5 Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 I have been divorced almost a year. I met someone while not looking. He is my kindred spirit. We have a blast together. I thought it would be a one night stand, but its turned into 5 months of constant daily communication, intimacy, visits, etc.. I knew from rhe very start, his plans to not leave wife until the youngest graduates. Its a long distance thing also... I know in my head, it cant work out.. but my heart adores him... i am torn between head and heart. Why does someone who is miserable, stay for the kids? He obviously cares about me... will he really ever leave? How do I move on? Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 Why does someone who is miserable, stay for the kids? He obviously cares about me... will he really ever leave? Child support is often the reason. Divorce is not only expensive, but BEING divorced is expensive He definitely cares about the distraction you are providing. Not sure of his actual feelings for you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 Most are looking for a bit of fun and extra sex, extra attention, extra affection, extra romance... they are not looking for a new wife. He is "da man" with two women in tow. Why spoil it with a messy divorce? Does he really want to move home, live in relative poverty, see his kids on the weekend and have a wife and family who will probably hate him for ruining their lives? No, he keeps it all under wraps and compatmentalises. He has a lovely wife at home and a lovely OW waiting for him if he needs her. Both in their nice separate boxes and ne'er the twain shall meet. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 (edited) Why does someone who is miserable, stay for the kids? will he really ever leave? How do you know for sure that he is miserable? You are only getting one side of the story. Is it possible, that he has a vested interest in making you believe that life is miserable at home... such that you will engage with him and fall right into his bed? Many married men are not miserable at home, despite what they may say... They are perfectly comfortable, with their wives and their children, enjoying a nice quality of life... they just want - someone to adore them and provide some “extra” special times between the sheets. It takes a lot to make a man miserable enough to leave his wife and the mother of his children, to not see his children everyday, to divide half his assets and have to pay spousal support and child support, and to lose his social standing as a “good family man.” As Elaine said, women often “fall in love” and they tend to be more willing to replace their husband when they have an affair... Men tend to want to keep their creature comforts, while enjoying the benefits of the affair. For that reason, and because he told you that he is not leaving, I wouldn’t bank this coming together for you anytime soon... Edited February 22, 2019 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 Do they ever leave? Yeah, they leave you and your side relationship when you push for more. Do they leave the wife? Rarely. As someone who was just broken up with by MM I can speak this truth fully. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 When a married man tells you at the start of an affair that he has no plans to leave his wife, you should absolutely believe him!!! He is actually doing you a favor by setting expectations properly from the start. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
norudder Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 No, is the correct answer to get yourself to believe. Heal. Then you won't care and feel bad for women who do. It's a completely different shift in perspective and changes how you'll see and feel about relationships and yourself. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 When a married man tells you at the start of an affair that he has no plans to leave his wife, you should absolutely believe him!!! He is actually doing you a favor by setting expectations properly from the start. True^^^ If you expect nothing - he’s happy. That way he can stop in when he has time. If he’s not uncomfortable, he’s not changing things... the problem is you are making him MORE comfortable... by providing him more entertainment outside his marriage. Test it out...start making TONS of demands - see what he does. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 Child support is often the reason. Divorce is not only expensive, but BEING divorced is expensive He definitely cares about the distraction you are providing. Not sure of his actual feelings for you. Nah, most of them dont leave because they don't want to, because they love thier wives. But how many other women would give them what they want if they told them that 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vinnyfl Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 Staying for the kids is the standard excuse for the cheating man. It is their goto line. You see, he wants his cake and eat it too. He wants his nice family, a wife who takes care of him, washes his clothes and cooks his meals. He wants kids and all the comforts of home. He wants you for sex and other fun. You are his side piece and boy do those men make you feel special like you are not just a sex partner for them. They will say they love you and agree with all you say. In fact, they will love and like everything you do because they want the sex to keep on coming. You are wasting your time and life with him and if you continue to do nothing about it, you have no one but yourself to blame. Some women make just do not get what a married man wants from them. Stop the sex and see how often he comes around. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 Sweetie - you're single. He's not. You have the wonderful option to walk away and find someone you can be with without the huge headaches and emotional turmoil that go with being an OW/AP. Just do it. Find your resolve and walk away. Look for someone else. Rip of the band aid and go full NC and stick to it. It's virtually guaranteed you'll end up better off than you would have. But don't take my word for it. Read some of the threads around here in Infidelity and OM/OW and see what kinds of nightmares OWs are in once the initial fun phase of the affair is over. Not to mention what you might end up doing to MM's family. Then ask yourself if that's what you want for yourself... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lolita888 Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 Just like what everyone says, these guys will do you no good. At least was honest to you that he wouldn't leave his wife - so all he wanted was to be entertained when bored. Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 When a married man tells you at the start of an affair that he has no plans to leave his wife, you should absolutely believe him!!! Don’t count on that... My H also said he wouldn’t leave his xBW until his kids were out father’s house. He did. And yes, it was also a ONS that turned into more, and it was also a LDR. The truth is, sometimes they do leave, sometimes things do work out, and sometimes they last (we’ve been happily M for more than 10 years, post A). **But** does this mean _your_ R will work out the way you want it to? That’s a different question. The stats aren’t in your favour, but stats describe trends, not individuals. You need to look at your R, at what he’s saying and what he’s doing, and at what your due diligence is telling you. He may leave, and he may not. If the R you have today is worth staying for, then stay, and enjoy it. If you’re only staying because you’re hoping for more, then move on, because the more may not happen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 (edited) OP, If you want to know about this guy and why he does what he does, you've got all the evidence right in front of you. He is a man who will lie, and he's practiced enough at it that he's got both you and his wife believing him. Don't believe me? Ask yourself this. If his wife asks him about their relationship, does he tell her the truth? Does he tell her he's cheating with you? Every day, does he lie to his wife, if only by admission? That, right here, tells you everything you need to know about his honesty. Now some people like to paint his as "shades of grey", but is it really? Something is either the truth or it's not. People either lie or they don't. It's like being"almost pregnant". You either are or you aren't. Want to see how much he values you? Tell him that you want your relationship to be the best it can, so you are not comfortable with how he has treated his wife. Suggest to him that, for the good of your long term relationship and your peace of mind, you would like to get some counseling with him. See what happens. He may be true to his word and be happy to go ( you can do it online even) or he will find a million reasons for not doing it. Edited February 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix spacing 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 I know in my head, it cant work out Well...actually. As long as you can maintain totally realistic expectations, it can work out for you. Your heart knows exactly what it can and cannot, and should and should not, expect. Your heart is not 'torn' from its own head, in what it full well already knows that it can and should expect, and cannot and should not. You know all the reasonable and logical reasons why people stay in their marriages, even when they say that they are 'miserable' and only doing it for '<this excuse or that excuse>'. How to move on is to get really real with your own Self, and be honest with you, and stop trying to gaslight or blow smoke up your own skirt, so to speak. You already know this; you don't need anyone here to remind you or help you remember. It's one thing to get 'gas-lighted' by someone else; it's quite another to do it to yourself. Do not do it to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Anette Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 Not saying he will or won't. No one knows that. Maybe not even himself! (How many times have you changed your views on things in your life?! ). All I know is everyone seems to be adamant "HE won't ever leave", but the divorce rate is 25-50% so obviously someone IS leaving.. Stay strong and know you're not alone, whatever happens Link to post Share on other sites
lolita888 Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 (edited) I changed my mind too and my answer. After seeing my old neighbor and found out that she and her husband divorced after 20years together. He is now with his AP. He's always been a serial cheater and she's always been a jealous wife but a bit more abusive and scandalous - often humiliating him in public. She's still bitter about it which is understandable, last time she made him choose but he was still sure that he doesn't want to get back to her. Because the wife has a bad reputation of being abusive to him no one is really surprised that he left. I feel sorry for her too especially because she always talk about her feelings. When he talked about how she never learned of house chores because her husband did everything for her. How he treated her like a Queen when they were new. etc. And that she is still praying he will change his mind and come back to her. But yeah... I think it also has to do with how tolerable the wife is and how strong the family bond is. If she is a loving wife then the chances of him leaving is very small. I remember my ex-MM used to say "There's no place like home". Edited March 4, 2019 by lolita888 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 So your dream of a man is someone who will sneak around and flirt with women on the internet while complaining about you as you bust your butt to take care of him and the kids? Sounds like a charmer alright. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 Because the wife has a bad reputation of being abusive to him no one is really surprised that he left. Living with a serial cheater is hard, was she "abusive" before he started his shenanigans? I doubt it. I guess in a few years his AP will also be earning herself a bad reputation for abusing him... whilst he is still chasing tail... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 (edited) When a married man tells you at the start of an affair that he has no plans to leave his wife, you should absolutely believe him!!! He is actually doing you a favor by setting expectations properly from the start. I agree. Life has proven a lot easier when you listen to what people tell you. Do people leave? Yea, it happens. But the point isn't if random people ever leave, it's about your situation and listening to a man who already has stated his plans. I have been the OW more than once and my advice is that, these special connections are often equally specially heartbreaking. It made me realize that intense connections aren't always healthy or sustainable long term and so I'd really try as hard as I can to look at the facts and not just your feelings...feelings notoriously steer us wrong. It's not easy to just up and move on, anyone who says it is is either superhuman, has no experience with this or has forgotten their experience. It isn't easy, but a start is really simply looking at the facts and what this person says, accepting it and then making the difficult decision to step back from it and have a support system (friends, LS, a therapist, whatever it is). A support system is key, as it's hard and it's easier to just ignore and continue the A until it potentially crashes and burns or it wears you down after years of it....but to make the hard decision to walk away requires support to help you to stick to your decision. Best wishes! Edited March 4, 2019 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
lolita888 Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 Living with a serial cheater is hard, was she "abusive" before he started his shenanigans? I doubt it. I guess in a few years his AP will also be earning herself a bad reputation for abusing him... whilst he is still chasing tail... She wasn't that abusive physically but verbally later on it became physical due to too much jealousy. But yes, I believe she's gotten worst after she started to feel jealousy which wasn't really baseless because it was true. Link to post Share on other sites
LIRR88 Posted March 10, 2019 Share Posted March 10, 2019 I find myself asking the same question, why do people stay in miserable relationships for the kids? This is just my personal opinion based on my upbringing. My parents are still together, about 32 years now. Looking back I wish they had gotten divorced. The only thing I saw was two miserable people stuck in an extremely toxic relationship, constantly arguing. Yet they think staying together was something to be proud of. It deeply affected me and my siblings. I have daddy issues because my own father has no backbone, all my mom did was control him and emotionally abuse him in front of us. I don’t even know what a normal healthy relationship is suppose to be like. I basically married my mom because my partner is controlling, just not as extreme as she is. The MM I was seeing tells me that he’s absolutely miserable with his wife but he can’t leave her because of their two year old daughter, he doesn’t want her to grow up in a broken home. I keep telling him, kids grow up happy and healthy when they see both their parents healthy. We are not doing our kids any favors when we stay for the wrong reasons. I will say this, men always get the short end of the stick during a divorce. If they leave they have to pay alimony, child support, and they lose time with their kids. Most men are too scared to go through with it, so they put up with it and stay miserable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted March 10, 2019 Share Posted March 10, 2019 Women get the short end of the stick in separations/divorces too. Just depends on who is more financially viable or makes more money. I know because I'm one of those women. Link to post Share on other sites
Love2015 Posted March 25, 2019 Share Posted March 25, 2019 I have been divorced almost a year. I met someone while not looking. He is my kindred spirit. We have a blast together. I thought it would be a one night stand, but its turned into 5 months of constant daily communication, intimacy, visits, etc.. I knew from rhe very start, his plans to not leave wife until the youngest graduates. Its a long distance thing also... I know in my head, it cant work out.. but my heart adores him... i am torn between head and heart. Why does someone who is miserable, stay for the kids? He obviously cares about me... will he really ever leave? How do I move on? I am curious...you mentioned you are divorced for a year now...what was the reason for it? I was the wife and the OW came to my wedding and all. The same year we got married, she had the honeymoon phase (I had been with him 7 years before with him) He told her loads of bull crap about our bad relationship and how mean I was etc etc..she became obsessive (saw her emails to him) and fought for it... This was 4 years ago. I thought we were in love. He left, I didn't work on it, she obsessively flight for it. He tortured me by not even wrapping things with me. Two years more of nightmare. They are married today and their photos show they happy. I am not even angry anymore at him. I only feel bad about myself. Do you really want to make another woman suffer? I can tell you look at the big picture. There are lovely people out there and your karma is yours to bear. I encourage you not to put yourself in being the OW. Look whatever it is they have...is theirs and hey did it together He chose his life and if he is so unhappy let him work on it with her or by himself Why do you want to be the one who helps him destroy his marriage and hurt wife (no woman deserves this). Do to others what you would like to be done for yourself. So if it was reversed ...if you were the wife ...what would you like see happen? I lost. But why was there a battle? Now I date and I had a chance to be the OW.thank God I out my foot down. Introspect..why you doing this?do you want to be old age and realize the MM even if he is with you may be looking at younger girls? Link to post Share on other sites
lolita888 Posted March 25, 2019 Share Posted March 25, 2019 I find myself asking the same question, why do people stay in miserable relationships for the kids? This is just my personal opinion based on my upbringing. My parents are still together, about 32 years now. Looking back I wish they had gotten divorced. The only thing I saw was two miserable people stuck in an extremely toxic relationship, constantly arguing. Yet they think staying together was something to be proud of. It deeply affected me and my siblings. I have daddy issues because my own father has no backbone, all my mom did was control him and emotionally abuse him in front of us. I don’t even know what a normal healthy relationship is suppose to be like. I basically married my mom because my partner is controlling, just not as extreme as she is. The MM I was seeing tells me that he’s absolutely miserable with his wife but he can’t leave her because of their two year old daughter, he doesn’t want her to grow up in a broken home. I keep telling him, kids grow up happy and healthy when they see both their parents healthy. We are not doing our kids any favors when we stay for the wrong reasons. I will say this, men always get the short end of the stick during a divorce. If they leave they have to pay alimony, child support, and they lose time with their kids. Most men are too scared to go through with it, so they put up with it and stay miserable. I am wondering about the same thing. Although most complaints I ever heard were from older women. My mom has friends or customers who often opened up with her. Whenever I hear this friend of hers about how abusive her husband was (enough to make her work to a different country just to be part from him) then returned after years of being separated. And still have complaints about her husband's attitude... I couldn't help but think, why waste your life enduring that marriage? The answer I got was that, she's very religious and she made a vow to god that he will stay with him through thick and thin etc. Still... One of her friends who live abroad...haven't had sex with her husband for more than 10 years. But he do not want to divorce her because of her daughter (not his own daughter but he raised her and treated her as his own child). He says he cannot live without their daughter so they have to wait until she turned 18 and finish her studies before divorcing. She have an A to this MM who is also a doctor but he was just a serial cheater because right after he saw my mom he secretly gave er his number and said started to flirt with her. My mom was so upset and told her fiend about it. One time she and my mom were doing video call and she showed my mom her broken s*x toy. She said that she showed it to her husband but he just laugh and said "you used it too much, that's why". I just couldn't get it. Why stay in that marriage for children? Link to post Share on other sites
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