I deserved this, breaking my own heart

[foxtrot4]

Hi all,

 

MM and his W have a toxic relationship and always tend to have huge fights.

 

They had a big fight yesterday, and since then his calls and texts to me have been more distant (I can tell he makes an effort to try to be sweet but I can sense it).

 

I'm just wondering for those of you with a MM, when he has an argument with his W, does his behaviour change too towards you?

 

Because I notice when MM and I quarrel, he doesn't seem very affected by it.

[foxtrot4]

Just needed a listening ear today. Lurked around here for awhile but never posted.

 

Been in an A with MM (I'm a MW too) for the past few months. Things have been mostly good (it's only been months I know), but I feel I'm the more committed one in this.

 

I've told MM i'm ready to tell my H about getting a divorce, but as he has a young child, he has told me that he's not ready to end it yet as he really loves his child.

 

I just feel like this isn't going anywhere because I've become too emotionally attached to MM but of course, I don't feel like he feels the same way for me.

 

When he has an argument with his W, he becomes quiet and sad, so i know how much she means to him; cos when we fight he's never like that.

 

I feel like my head knows what I need to hear, but as always, my heart always rules.

 

That being said, I love my H but I'm not in love with him. He's amazing and I know i should have never done something like this to hurt him.But MM is this mysterious dark dreamy guy I've had a crush on for many years and when he turned his attention on me, I couldn't resist. I should have. I know i was wrong.

 

I just need to rant. I love MM so much.

[BaileyB]

You may love him very much, but I think you see the writing on the wall... he is not going to leave his wife. With that information, you can plan accordingly...

 

Your options are to continue this affair, taking whatever attention he is willing to throw your way for as long as you can tolerate it... or, end the affair.

 

Your marriage is an entirely separate issue but I will ask you this - was your marriage bad before the affair or is it only bad now because you are comparing your husband to this fantasy you have created around your dark and dreamy married man?

[Cersei]

The sooner you end this, the sooner you heal.

 

You know this is wrong. Please be kind to yourself and do what needs to be done for your own happiness.

[eastdean]

Not really. AP and I were skilled compartmentalizers and seldom let anything about our Ms affect our interactions. Our A was an escape from all that.

[Naivewomen]

This will fail and you will be get very hurt. Please before u go further into this affair please know the role of the OW/MW can never compete with the wife. I was very naive to believe otherwise. I kept comparing MM to H and kept detaching to the point of no return. The MM will never disconnect his emotional nor pshycial attachment to his wife. No matter what he tells you. He has a child with his wife at it's very bonding. He will Never leave her. Keep repeating this to yourself. Guard your heart. Hes lying and just looking for the thrill. He can never love you and will never love you. I'm sorry.

[loversquarrel]

If he is behaving as if he's affected by a fight with his wife it's because he's still attached to her in some way. I'm not sure how long your affair has been going on for? If this is someone you want a future with you might want to reconsider as his behavior demonstrates that his heart is not in it.

 

If he wasn't affected by these fights that would indicate he is already finished with the marriage.

[BaileyB]

foxtrot, you said it yourself in your other post.

 

You are the more committed partner to this affair. He is still very much attached to his wife and child, not wanting to leave the marriage.

 

As such, he gets upset when they fight because it’s upsetting when you have a disagreement with your partner. He is not as affected by your disagreements because it is not his primary relationship, and he is not as invested with you and your relationship.

[Artdeco]

I'm just wondering for those of you with a MM, when he has an argument with his W, does his behaviour change too towards you?

 

My former MM, who is now divorced, never even once brought up anything negative about his W. I’m sure they had arguments, but he kept me out of it completely. Sometimes I wished I knew more, just to get a better grasp, and in order to understand him better, but he just wanted to handle it himself. And at the end of the day, that turned out to be exactly the right thing to do. And he also never took anything out on me that concerned any of their marriage issues.

[lolita888]

When I was still a mislead AP I often noticed the sudden change in my then MM's mood; especially after he just checked on his phone, received a message or call. I didn't realized it then but now I know that it was because of his wife.

 

They used to argue a lot of their busy schedules and then their child. Later on, he gets jealous whenever her coworkers flirt on her or comment on her FB photos. I noticed than when she post picture of her in FB and some guys compliment her or tried to flirt his face starts to darkened and lose the mood to talk.

 

It hurts to know about this. Seeing how much she can affect him.

[BaileyB]

Is it possible that he distances himself from you to avoid the questions about his marriage... Perhaps, he knows you are waiting and hoping, and perhaps he is even feeling pressured, to leave his wife and his marriage? Because, anyone who has read your other post knows that you are waiting and hoping that he will leave his marriage, as you have said you will leave yours, to be together...

[foxtrot4]

You may love him very much, but I think you see the writing on the wall... he is not going to leave his wife. With that information, you can plan accordingly...

 

Your options are to continue this affair, taking whatever attention he is willing to throw your way for as long as you can tolerate it... or, end the affair.

 

Your marriage is an entirely separate issue but I will ask you this - was your marriage bad before the affair or is it only bad now because you are comparing your husband to this fantasy you have created around your dark and dreamy married man?

 

Thank you BaileyB. I can see the writing on the wall. In my head I know what I see, but my heart, the weak one keeps finding excuses. I know I should end this, because I know he won’t leave his Wife because of the baby. But I feel like why is it if I am willing to throw it all away for him, he won’t do the same? Silly me.

 

My marriage was never bad to begin with. My H like I mentioned is amazing. He’s safe. He adores me. He takes care of me and I know he will. That’s why like the title said, it’s all my own doing. I was bored. I’m a coward. Instead of working on my marriage I chose to do something else. Have an affair. Silly me.

[foxtrot4]

The sooner you end this, the sooner you heal.

 

You know this is wrong. Please be kind to yourself and do what needs to be done for your own happiness.

 

Thanks Cersei. How do you end something that makes you feel so alive and dead all at the same time? I know it’s wrong. I want to end this but the thought of being without MM kills me.

[foxtrot4]

This will fail and you will be get very hurt. Please before u go further into this affair please know the role of the OW/MW can never compete with the wife. I was very naive to believe otherwise. I kept comparing MM to H and kept detaching to the point of no return. The MM will never disconnect his emotional nor pshycial attachment to his wife. No matter what he tells you. He has a child with his wife at it's very bonding. He will Never leave her. Keep repeating this to yourself. Guard your heart. Hes lying and just looking for the thrill. He can never love you and will never love you. I'm sorry.

 

 

Naivewomen, what happened to you and your H? Did you reconcile at the end of this? You’re right. I know he’s lying and just with me for the thrill. The more I read here the more I know the same lies this MM say. But I’m married too, but I mean it when I say I want to leave my H for him. But why is it so different for him?

[elaine567]

You "got" the mysterious, dark and dreamy guy but at a cost.

He is not free and single, he is a married guy who is cheating on his wife, a married guy who has no intention of leaving his wife either.

What is in this for you?

Nothing good.

[elaine567]

Naivewomen, what happened to you and your H? Did you reconcile at the end of this? You’re right. I know he’s lying and just with me for the thrill. The more I read here the more I know the same lies this MM say. But I’m married too, but I mean it when I say I want to leave my H for him. But why is it so different for him?

 

Because married women see an affair as a means to exit their marriage, married men see an affair as providing "extra", extra sex, extra love, extra excitement, extra romance... etc.

Women in general seek a replacement husband, men in general do not want a replacement wife.

[BaileyB]

Women in general seek a replacement husband, men in general do not want a replacement wife.

 

Ugh. And there is a special place for a man who cheats on a woman with a baby. How old is the child? Is he really out having sex with another woman while his wife is home caring for his child?

 

I know, you think he is dark and dreamy OP but this just makes the whole affair even more sad to me...

[Turning point]

That being said, I love my H but I'm not in love with him.

 

Unfortunately, this is a problem for you alone but you sought out a MM to solve it for you.

 

He's (husband) amazing and I know i should have never done something like this to hurt him.

In hindsight, having told him the truth about your feelings should now appear to have been the far more compassionate path than stabbing him unexpectedly in the heart from behind.

 

You can't undo what you've done and what you've done was never actually going to solve your problem. Now you've created a new problem regarding your authenticity.

 

I also don't understand why a man who cheats on his wife and risks the future of his child appears so dark and dreamy to you? He sounds like a monster.

Edited February 7, 2019 by Turning point

[foxtrot4]

Because married women see an affair as a means to exit their marriage, married men see an affair as providing "extra", extra sex, extra love, extra excitement, extra romance... etc.

Women in general seek a replacement husband, men in general do not want a replacement wife.

 

Thanks for providing an insight elaine567. I never saw t that way and I appreciate this forum helping me to see things I’m blinded by.

 

You’re right. I am that extra.

[foxtrot4]

Ugh. And there is a special place for a man who cheats on a woman with a baby. How old is the child? Is he really out having sex with another woman while his wife is home caring for his child?

 

I know, you think he is dark and dreamy OP but this just makes the whole affair even more sad to me...

 

BaileyB, the child is 2. Yes he is out having sex while Wife is home caring his child.

 

It is sad BaileyB. I was foolish. I don’t deny.

[foxtrot4]

Unfortunately, this is a problem for you alone but you sought out a MM to solve it for you.

 

In hindsight, having told him the truth about your feelings should now appear to have been the far more compassionate path than stabbing him unexpectedly in the heart from behind.

 

You can't undo what you've done and what you've done was never actually going to solve your problem. Now you've created a new problem regarding your authenticity.

 

I also don't understand why a man who cheats on his wife and risks the future of his child appears so dark and dreamy to you? He sounds like a monster.

 

Turningpoint, thank you for your brutally honest words. I should have told my H and made things work out, if not, I should have been brave and left him. But I was a coward. I chose the easy way out. And hurt him and myself in the process.

 

When we first went out, I didn’t know he had a child. Not that that changes anything because I knew he was married anyway. I’m as much as a monster as he is. Thank you for saying that, I needed to hear these things today.

[whatcomesnext]

My advice is to leave MM now before he leaves you. You recognize that he is not emotionally invested in you the way you are in him. I was in a somewhat similar situation, though mine was an EA that never went physical. I loved him beyond reason. WAY beyond reason. I knew the R meant more to me than to him, which meant he had ALL of the power - this was not apparent in the beginning, but became apparent after a few months. I allowed him to have the power because I knew the only alternative was to either put all of my cards on the table (and risk losing him) or walk away (and lose him). I couldn’t do that because I was so attached that I felt I would die without him. In the literal sense - as in that I would have to kill myself because I couldn’t live without him.

 

Believe me when I tell you that mental instability had NEVER been a problem for me before this. I had a great marriage and very successful life. I still struggle conceptually with the idea of having had choices during any of this time because psychologically I was so screwed up that I really did not feel like I did. I know we are adults, with free agency, but I can’t explain it any other way than that. So, fast forward to several months later and what happens? He leaves me. Worse than leaves me, he essentially ghosts me and pretends like nothing happened. I was erased and reset. It has been close to two years since. He never came back and he ignores me (we see each other fairly regularly in group settings). We have barely exchanged three sentences in all that time. It was devastating. Humiliating. Way more devastasting than it would have been if I had told him my feelings/needs and/or left. Instead I am just barely starting to break through the rubble of my own self-destruction. I have been in IC. Maybe you should consider it too to work through the attachment issues. I did tell my H everything - had no choice as I completely fell apart - and we are still together.

Edited February 7, 2019 by whatcomesnext

[stillafool]

One thing is clear you need to divorce your husband. You do not love him and are willing to dump him for another man. You're finished there. MM probably misses his wife's attention after the birth of their son. That little guy is her top priority and MM sought attention elsewhere (you). It does not mean he no longer loves or wants his wife; he just wants a woman who is hot for him and sex. I would suggest after you divorce your husband, to be open for a free man who fulfills your needs the way MM did.

[Dreamer2017]

Dear Fox,

 

You are falling down the rabbit hole of no return. You should listen to the advice of Naivewomen and BaileyB because they are given you sound advice. There are two things I believe you should do…

 

1.) Give your husband the respect he deserves. He has been very good to you!!! Treat him with dignity, and honor, and tell him about your affair.

2.) If you need to have an affair, divorce your husband first and move on and find that person you feel you need to fulfill your life.

 

Best,

Dreamer

[pepperbird]

There are dozens, hundreds of threads on here started by ow/om who are broken hearted and in love with their mm/mw.

 

 

That's the thing, is it really "love"? I don't think it is, simply because the ow/om loves what they want the mm/mw to be, not what they are.

 

 

Mr. Dark and Dreamy has feet of clay. He's cheating on his wife who is home looking after the baby. Instead of thinking of his wife and child, maybe taking his extra time in the day to play with his baby or bond with his wife or at least give her a bit of a break, he's choosing to spend that time with you. Add to this that if she finds out, it will taint these precious days in her child's life.

 

 

 

As for how he feels about you? I really don't know. One test of love is whether or not someone is willing to put the person' needs ahead of their own. Is he doing that with you?