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Never thought I'd be an OW (long post)


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 15th March 2019, 12:45 AM   #1216
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Nothing is ever fair!

To think that any of this is supposed to be fair isnít realistic.

Overthink this wonít make sense. Trying to figure out a liar, cheater and future faker will never make sense either.

Try to stop handing him all your power.

Heís not worth a second thought. Heís a phony.
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Old 15th March 2019, 1:19 AM   #1217
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Oh I have my moments, believe you me. Out of the blue I will be overwhelmed by feelings of despair and loss even though I know what I lost wasn't real. I feel like I've lost everything and at the same time nothing, if that makes sense. He's lost nothing. He gets to just continue on with his life as though the last year never happened. How is that fair?
Well affairs aren't about fairness. They aren't built on honesty or integrity. They hurt everyone. Is it fair that the BS was deceived and lied to? Is it fair when family's break up and family members have to work through that pain? There's nothing fair in cheating.
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Old 15th March 2019, 6:24 AM   #1218
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Well affairs aren't about fairness. They aren't built on honesty or integrity. They hurt everyone. Is it fair that the BS was deceived and lied to? Is it fair when family's break up and family members have to work through that pain? There's nothing fair in cheating.
Yeah, certainly not fair for me either. And I get where Kat is coming from because it is something that I get angered about time to time. My xWH walks away with all his money and we get only a small percentage. While he is off traveling the world with whatever chick he can find, I'm at home taking care of all the kids. While trying to better myself so that I can be financially independent from the jerk... to give him even more money. I'm the one who haa to stress with what to do when a child is sick and cant go to school yet I have a huge project due that day and cant stay home. I'm the one who has to stress about money, while he takes whatever girlfriend to whatever new destination and buys himself new cars and parties every night.

However.... I now have a more authentic life. And I dont have to worry about him and all his stupid fooling around or wasteful spending. I try to remain focused on that... vs the idea that currently he is in a glitzy town with God knows who. And Saturday he flies out to the beach with who knows.
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Old 17th March 2019, 8:31 PM   #1219
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LKK,

If you continue with the hatred for him, it'll make it more difficult for you to recover from this.

Sometimes life just doesn't work out how we want. It's much easier to lay the blame all at someone else's feet and feel taken advantage of, or feel like a victim.

It's easier to do that, because it shields us from facing the reality, that we contributed to it and are 100% responsible for that.

Sometimes we're more annoyed with ourselves for getting into the situation in the first place.

You've said you can't believe what you were thinking when you 'lived' in his house in her absence... perhaps he may say the same in relation to his poor behaviour too.

Everyone of us have something in our upbringing that shape us to be who we are. You had abandonment issues that have had a lasting effect on you.

He may have issues that lead him to behave the way he does. A lot of times, people are not even aware of how their upbringing and relationship history impacts on their behaviour.

People may not agree, but holding on to the thoughts of him being an evil monster will only make you bitter and hinder your ability to move on.
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Old 18th March 2019, 12:34 PM   #1220
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Hey LKK... just checking in with you to see how you are doing. I know there are a ton of "shoulda/coulda/woulda's" here all around, but that does not really lessen your pain. Are you doing ok?

Hugs, WOW
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Old 18th March 2019, 12:36 PM   #1221
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Right about now is when he will contact again... to see if you forgot about how selfish heís been...

Be ready.
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Old 18th March 2019, 2:14 PM   #1222
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Hey LKK... just checking in with you to see how you are doing. I know there are a ton of "shoulda/coulda/woulda's" here all around, but that does not really lessen your pain. Are you doing ok?

Hugs, WOW
How am I doing? Confused like I canít even tell you.

I am no longer angry. I let go of the anger sometime last week after my initial barrage of angry emails on Thursday/Friday of the week before. It was becoming toxic to me and preventing me from moving on. I told him exactly that, Iím moving on from him and the anger. So .....

On Friday he emails me to say that heís been having a hard time moving on from us and hasnít stopped thinking about me. Heís been listening to a song by Sťrgio Mendes ďNever gonna let you goĒ. Listen to the words. OMG! He asked if he could call and I said yes. I know ...

The first part of the conversation I could barely understand him for the choking up and tears. Short version, he can believe he let me go, all of his reasons for not leaving were just as I said - excuses. Fear held him back. When I walked out on him without looking back the week before heís had a tougher time each day because it became clearer that the fear of never seeing me is greater than the fear of leaving. He has a few Reno projects to finish before he leaves but he is talking to someone about renting a place. He says he needs to do those renos before he leave because they are needed before the house is sold and he doesnít think sheíll let him do them after.

I have no idea what to think.
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Old 18th March 2019, 2:18 PM   #1223
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Right about now is when he will contact again... to see if you forgot about how selfish heís been...

Be ready.
Well you should have told me that last week lol. I figured after everything I threw at him he was done. And he knows full well I havenít forgotten about the selfish behaviour. I mentioned that quite a few times in my angry texts.

Last Friday was the first time we messaged a year ago. That was his reminder to me. Who even remembers that kind of stuff? I remember our first date but not message lol.
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Old 18th March 2019, 2:25 PM   #1224
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How am I doing? Confused like I canít even tell you.

I am no longer angry. I let go of the anger sometime last week after my initial barrage of angry emails on Thursday/Friday of the week before. It was becoming toxic to me and preventing me from moving on. I told him exactly that, Iím moving on from him and the anger. So .....

On Friday he emails me to say that heís been having a hard time moving on from us and hasnít stopped thinking about me. Heís been listening to a song by Sťrgio Mendes ďNever gonna let you goĒ. Listen to the words. OMG! He asked if he could call and I said yes. I know ...

The first part of the conversation I could barely understand him for the choking up and tears. Short version, he can believe he let me go, all of his reasons for not leaving were just as I said - excuses. Fear held him back. When I walked out on him without looking back the week before heís had a tougher time each day because it became clearer that the fear of never seeing me is greater than the fear of leaving. He has a few Reno projects to finish before he leaves but he is talking to someone about renting a place. He says he needs to do those renos before he leave because they are needed before the house is sold and he doesnít think sheíll let him do them after.

I have no idea what to think.
Notice he didnít say he was filing?


And I did tell you a few weeks ago he would call... itís wxpected.

I just donít understand why you answer. He just doesnít want you to move forward. He has still not offered you anything different. Itís the same lies - they just sound different.
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Old 18th March 2019, 2:28 PM   #1225
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He is adamant he is leaving which means a separation. Can’t file for divorce until after a year of separation. This is not the US. I have told him we are not reconciled and won’t be at least until he moves out.
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Old 18th March 2019, 2:38 PM   #1226
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Same old..

"I am leaving, honest I am,
BUT I have a few Reno projects that HAVE to be done first..."

and now he has you on the hook again.
He is really leaving this time...
Yeah right.
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Old 18th March 2019, 2:44 PM   #1227
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You assume he has me on the hook. I told him I am not resuming the affair. I told him that explicitly. I told him I am no longer the OW. An I will not be. He said he doesn’t expect me to be but wants to know if I would give him a chance to earn my trust when he leaves.
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Old 18th March 2019, 2:54 PM   #1228
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You assume he has me on the hook.

I know he has...
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Old 18th March 2019, 3:01 PM   #1229
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He is adamant he is leaving which means a separation. Canít file for divorce until after a year of separation. This is not the US. I have told him we are not reconciled and wonít be at least until he moves out.
Right, because he can't pay for renovations unless he is living there. All he has given you is more SSDD (same stuff, different day). You keep talking to him. He knows if he can keep you connected to him emotionally eventually you will give in.


It's still all about him. He knows you won't cut him off.
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Old 18th March 2019, 3:02 PM   #1230
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Well Elaine, good to know you know my mind better than I do.
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