what were you told?

[anon]

I'm deeply in love with a MM who says he's getting divorced. I'm going through a divorce as well. In reading this forum I've come across things that seem too familiar and I'm starting to worry that I'm destroying my life, and he won't get divorced himself.

 

How many of you were told that you were brought together by Gd, angels?

 

How many of you were told that he's getting divorced but that his wife is crazy and it will take time?

 

How many were encouraged to imagine what a wonderful life you're both going to have when you can finally live together?

 

Did anything ever become of it?

 

He is wealthy, I'm poor. I really love him but I'm getting scared. My husband is the only one with a job and I'm getting divorced, jobless, with a child, due to this affair, and now I'm worried that this man I'm in love with will never get divorced himself and be with me. He never did anything to make me suspicious of that yet-

But things I'm being told right now sound so familiar to what others on this forum have written.

[Zaira]

Don't stay with your husband if you don't love him. If you really love this other man, tell him of your fears. How long will the divorce take? Count it down. If he's really serious about it then he will do it. I don't like the line "my wife is crazy" etc etc, but he may be telling the truth. If she is, however, then it's better for him to get out of the marriage sooner or later. Regardless, you have to tell this man of your fears. If he really cares for you then he'll be honest.

[gypsycat]

unfortunately I heard all of the above and stupidly moved across the country to find that he got cold feet and I ended up without a husband. He was very surprised when I moved back to where I started, I think he really thought i might stay.

 

Not saying this is going to happen to you because it may not. It's hard to compare two circumstances. My suggestion to you is to always look after yourself first in this situation. So long as you look after you emotionally and financially, then if the worst happens you can bounce back from it.

[joodee]

I was told that it seems like it seems like something was pulling us together. I was told I was his soulmate, his best friend. I was told that there was nothing between him and his W, and that it was financial that they remained legally bound (he and W don't live together, and haven't for about ten years). I was told that last August (after catching him cheating on me with another OW, if you can call it that), that by fall of 2004 he and his W would finally legally file.

 

I was then told that things were tough and that he didn't want to start a big fight with W. I was told by him that he hoped that he and I could laugh at all we went through with our grandkids (implying that he wanted kids with me). I was told that that it was killing him that we weren't completely together, and that once this happened, that happened, blah, blah, blah, we would be together, and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

 

Nothing became of it. We started dating in summer of 2003, have been broken up on and off since May of 2004. Right now we are broken up. It's been two years since I met him. If I was really all those things, he would have done something by now. But apparently my now ex-MM was very comfy with his life, knowing he had a W, me, and other OW that I found out about cause I was a good snoop. Now he doesn't have me, that lying jerk.

 

Know this: I have seen other success stories, like my brother, cousin, and close friends that met their true loves while they were attached with others. I don't know why God presented in my life many cases of success, cause it sure wasn't a success for me. Through much therapy I realized that what I saw wasn't the norm, that most men don't go through with the big D. But it's not impossible, if he really loves you, he'll do it.

 

Watch his actions, they will tell you everything.

[RecordProducer]

I think it's always bad to depend on men and sometimes that's the only choice you have. However to consciously choose to depend on something you're not sure about is not good especially not with a child.

Don't burn any bridges until you make sure you're standing on a solid ground.

He will probably divorce her, but you can't be 100% sure. Anything could happen. He could die.

If you want to divorce then make sure you find a job first. You are jobless with a child so life for you is not a game of love. Your new guy may chnage his mind AFTER he starts living with you. He might not get along with your kid. I am pretty sure he won't marry you right after he divorces his wife. Men have this thing with not getting married right away after they divorce. Plus after a failed marriage they want to be sure the second time will be forever.

When I met my ex-BF on the net, he was still married. But I never saw myself as the other woman because I knew he hated his wife. But he was honest and many people say that but don't mean it. Anyway he divorced his wife soon after that, but I broke up with him because of other things.

[newbby]

mine told me that "if its so wrong how come it feels so right"

and i was the one creating barriers and putting up walls, and when i expressed doubts, that i was ruining this thing between us before it even got going, and it was his decision to leave his wife i shouldnt worry about it.

looking back it all sounds so obvious, but in the thick of things and in love i was desperate to believe it all.

i do believe he is not fulfilled in his marriage and i do believe he has some sort of dependence on me still although the a is no longer going on. as for ever taking any big steps, never.

i'm sorry but i dont think you should take this risk, unless as rp said you are completely independent. it is a common thing in these relationships for them to say all of these things. it is so strange, but they do all say the same things. i have never heard any success stories, most of the stories i have heard the men left their marriages but always regretted it. more than i would hate to be always the ow, i would hate someone to leave for me and regret it. that must be even harder to deal with. this is why i made my decision to not continue the a, there is no winning outcome.

i know how hard it is when you are in the middle of it.

did you already feel you wanted to leave your h before the a started?

if so, then make sure you are completely able to be independent, if not then dont leave.

what is his situation? does he have children?

i think looking at the whole picture, that he is in the better position to make the first move.

even if he does have children, children usually reside with the mother, therefore it makes sense that if anyone is to make the first move it should be him and would say to him that you need to be sure that he is completely 100% available for you before you make your move.