AngelLove Posted September 3, 2018 Share Posted September 3, 2018 (edited) So I ended my A after a year because I wanted more than MM can and is willing to give.Not to meantion, I hate the role as an OW and would feel jealous of people who are in real relationships.I sent him a text that I can't continue like this anymore.Well that lasted only 2 weeks before he was texting me telling me he misses me etc.I missed him to so I succumbed to the week moments and slided back in.Now we are in contact again and he wants to meet.It felt great at first but now I'm regretting it...wishing I had stuck to my decision .Now I'm hooked again Has anyone tried to end an affair and failed miserably? How can i get strength to end it again ?Feels like now it will be harder to end it than last time I'm so disappointed in myself Edited September 3, 2018 by AngelLove 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted September 3, 2018 Share Posted September 3, 2018 It's common. For most people, affairs are addictions that only bring moments of pleasure, otherwise they are painful and difficult. The emotions are high and low, back and forth, and so both parties usually call it off at times only to get back together. It will only end when he disappears on you for good OR when you reach your limit and end it once and for all. Unfortunately sometimes it takes a while to reach your limit. Because it really is an addiction. Just try to stay strong and stay away. The more you do it the less difficult it will get. It will never be easy. Everyone always says to block them, but unless there's a way I'm not aware of that still means you have access to his number and can contact him if you get weak. So the absolute best thing would be to delete his contact information from every place you have it and change your number. Get as much as you can that reminds you of him out of sight. My A lasted over 3 years, I tried a few times to end it and yes, failed miserably. What brought it to an end a few months ago was his wife, with whom he is apparently now truly reconciled (or as close as they will get), starting to show up with him at places we had in common. In over three years I had never seen her. Actually seeing them together, and seeing how attentive she is to him, disgusted me deeply with the whole situation. It still hurts a lot, but I'm hoping the disgust now outweighs anything else for me. I never want to even speak to him again. Only you will know what your limit is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 3, 2018 Share Posted September 3, 2018 Send him a text that says, "No. I've reconsidered and I think this relationship has run its course. I wish you well in the future..." If you wish that you had stuck to your decision, it is in your power to stop this before you go further down the rabbit hole. You have not met yet, now is the time to do it... Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted September 3, 2018 Share Posted September 3, 2018 (((AngelLove))) I was an MM in an affair that had genuine feelings. We ended for similar reasons to you, but fell off the wagon several times. The situation sounds very similar. I went through a nervous breakdown, lost my job, took up smoking/drinking, gained 60 pounds, felt very sorry for myself and was a complete mess of a human being - convinced i would never get past it. My wife stood by me through it despite the awful pain I put her through. The OW was also very hurt. Three years later and my marriage is better than ever thanks to all the hard work we have put in. I am quite certain that the OW has also moved on and is glad to be out of such a toxic situation. I wish her nothing but the very best for her life. So, try again and stick to it like your life depended on it. I frequently see it quoted that only the loss of a loved one compares, in terms of pain and the addictiveness is akin to something like that of heroin, so you have to be dedicated and disciplined. You will hurt for months, then you will notice that you are feeling slightly better, month by month. Eventually it will be behind you. Happens all the time and you need to get through it to get your life back. You can do it! Thinking of you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author AngelLove Posted September 3, 2018 Author Share Posted September 3, 2018 (((AngelLove))) I was an MM in an affair that had genuine feelings. We ended for similar reasons to you, but fell off the wagon several times. The situation sounds very similar. I went through a nervous breakdown, lost my job, took up smoking/drinking, gained 60 pounds, felt very sorry for myself and was a complete mess of a human being - convinced i would never get past it. My wife stood by me through it despite the awful pain I put her through. The OW was also very hurt. Three years later and my marriage is better than ever thanks to all the hard work we have put in. I am quite certain that the OW has also moved on and is glad to be out of such a toxic situation. I wish her nothing but the very best for her life. So, try again and stick to it like your life depended on it. I frequently see it quoted that only the loss of a loved one compares, in terms of pain and the addictiveness is akin to something like that of heroin, so you have to be dedicated and disciplined. You will hurt for months, then you will notice that you are feeling slightly better, month by month. Eventually it will be behind you. Happens all the time and you need to get through it to get your life back. You can do it! Thinking of you! Glad to hear the MM side of the story.Like my MM , he tells me that he has strong fealings for me but cant give me what I want right now.So it's very doubtful he will ever leave his wife.Just out of curiosity, why couldn't you leave your wife if you had genine fealings for your former OW? How long were you together for ? No judgement just interested in hearing the MM side 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted September 3, 2018 Share Posted September 3, 2018 Glad to hear the MM side of the story.Like my MM , he tells me that he has strong fealings for me but cant give me what I want right now.So it's very doubtful he will ever leave his wife.Just out of curiosity, why couldn't you leave your wife if you had genine fealings for your former OW? How long were you together for ? No judgement just interested in hearing the MM side I had genuine feelings for the OW. Affair lasted over a year. But... I also had genuine feelings for my wife!! (plus my family, kids, etc. of course) I'm a guy - we really do suck sometimes, and we can compartmentalise generally better than women. So, I loved my wife in world A and my OW in world B. It sounds horrible - but I'm just trying to be honest! Many years later, I shudder with shame at what I put myself and so many others through. But I am human, I am flawed...and I made mistakes. I never set out to hurt anyone and...blah, blah, blah, but that is a pathetic line and makes me shudder even more! I truly wish you all the best! Please keep posting Angel! Link to post Share on other sites
Author AngelLove Posted September 3, 2018 Author Share Posted September 3, 2018 I had genuine feelings for the OW. Affair lasted over a year. But... I also had genuine feelings for my wife!! (plus my family, kids, etc. of course) I'm a guy - we really do suck sometimes, and we can compartmentalise generally better than women. So, I loved my wife in world A and my OW in world B. It sounds horrible - but I'm just trying to be honest! Many years later, I shudder with shame at what I put myself and so many others through. But I am human, I am flawed...and I made mistakes. I never set out to hurt anyone and...blah, blah, blah, but that is a pathetic line and makes me shudder even more! I truly wish you all the best! Please keep posting Angel! I see..like I said in my OP it felt great when we got back in contact but now reality set in again now that it's weekend and he's at home with his family and i never hear from him when he's at home anymore.We used to communicate outside his work hours in early stages but it gradually became less over time now he falls off the face of earth when he's home. I have to end it again but at the same time I hate disappointing him.I have to do what's best for me in the long run 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted September 3, 2018 Share Posted September 3, 2018 "I hate disappointing him" Just remember how many times he's disappointed you. If you stop the A and get some distance from it one day you will wonder how you ever felt bad about that. Right now you are still right in the middle of it. If you give yourself the chance to have some distance (no contact whatsoever) then you'll see if more clearly. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 3, 2018 Share Posted September 3, 2018 (edited) I hate disappointing him. Be kind to him, but don't let this kind of self-defeating thought alter your decision. You must do what is right for yourself, as he is doing when he chooses to stay with his wife and family. Edited September 3, 2018 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
norudder Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 Hi Jenkins, I've followed your posts for a while. You seem like one of the "good" mm, who was making choices out of a lack of awareness but have grown in your understanding of self and relationships. As a self proclaimed compartmentalizer during your A, I was wondering if you could share your thoughts on staying with monogamy? Do you feel like you have the ability to be polyamorous, I mean you showed you have the ability, but is it something you would choose if your W had been ok with it? Is the fact she wasn't and the price was too steep (trimmings of married life) the main factor in not pursuing multiple relationships? Or were you generally lost in not knowing what you wanted and why but the A and fallout made you figure it out? (In regards to your romantic relationships in life in general). I also know you don't speak for all MM but your insights have been valuable. I apologize/hope this isn't too much of a t/j but seems related to Op's experience, something she may be questioning too. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Angelica21 Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 Dear AngelLove, It's okay that you made a mistake and started contact again. Now it's time to end the contact again, like you ended contact last time. YOU MUST RESCUE YOURSELF. Disappointing him, or caring about his reaction, has no place in your decision. Return immediately to No Contact (NC). Do not waver from NC. NC is the healthy choice for you. NC is your path to a happy life without MM. You can do it. His feelings and opinion should mean NOTHING to you. If you still care about his feelings and opinion, stop caring about that immediately. I'm not exaggerating when I say this is "life and death" situation for you. Your life is on the line. YOU MUST RESCUE YOURSELF. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AngelLove Posted September 5, 2018 Author Share Posted September 5, 2018 So what should I say to him?Things went back pretty much the way there were..now he wont text as much that we're back in touch.would it be cruel to just block and go NC? Or should i say something before going nc? It feels harder this second time around Link to post Share on other sites
Angelica21 Posted September 5, 2018 Share Posted September 5, 2018 So what should I say to him?Things went back pretty much the way there were..now he wont text as much that we're back in touch.would it be cruel to just block and go NC? Or should i say something before going nc? It feels harder this second time around It's totally good and correct to just go NC and block him. You don't owe him an explanation or anything. Just block him. I'm sorry that this second time to go NC is feeling harder for you than the first time. Just stay strong, you know you're doing the right thing, and you will be very emotionally healthy after the days and weeks of NC pass by. I guarantee you you will feel better every day!! Don't doubt and don't change your mind ... stay with 100% NC. Reply here again if you need a pep talk!! Link to post Share on other sites
Vivir Posted September 5, 2018 Share Posted September 5, 2018 AngelLove, if you fell off the wagon, your only recourse, simply, is to get back on it I concur with Angelica. Contacting to give a reason for NC is contact. As you heal, you will always find a reason to contact. You may have to learn to sit on your hands... If you simply restart NC, and he cannot get in touch with you because you've blocked him, he may be confused at first (this is not your problem), but trust us... He already knows the reason(s) you are no longer available to him... because you've already told him repeatedly... get off the merry-go-round of repeatedly ending things. These are false starts and they happen when we are too afraid to let go. It is OK to be afraid. Acknowledge your fear of the unknown. But also acknowledge that the way things are with this man is the way things will be. When you want to contact, think of all the ways in which he has disappointed you in the past... or the way he is still disappointing you. He already knows why you are removing yourself from the situation. He already knows. Link to post Share on other sites
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