Exmm said hurtful things to me

[I was the OW]

Exmm and I got into an arguement at work about a misunderstanding with work related issues. I IM'ed him from my office and asked him what is problem was which turned into a fight. He told me that being involved with me was the biggest mistake of his life and how much he regretted every thing between us. He said he can't believe he almost risked his M because of our A.

 

I know I shouldn't of done this but I went to his house during our lunch break as I wanted to get this worked out. I didn't want us working together if we couldn't get along. He was pissed off I showed up. He told me it was over and to stop coming over. I went over to his place late at night a week after he broke it off to talk hoping we could continue our relationship but he said no, that he is back with is W now and to leave him alone. He told me I had nerves coming over late at night to talk to him about us.

 

I can't get over him. I have called him using work as an excuse just to hear his voice. He keeps telling me to stop calling and to leave him alone. I am so lost and I didn't think I would be.

[Merin]

Find some dignity here and leave him alone..

You'll feel better about yourself.

[ww]

LEAVE HIM ALONE

[FolderWife]

YES! LEAVE HIM ALONE! You shouldn't have gotten involved with him in the first place now that he's dumped you, LEAVE HIM ALONE!

[LittleMiss]

Originally posted by Merin

Find some dignity here and leave him alone..

You'll feel better about yourself.

 

Key word is DIGNITY . Yes, please get some!

[cheatersrsad]

Boo flippin' hoo. You cheated with a married man who has now tossed you aside and are begging him to take you back. Maybe we do get what we deserve...

[9Lives]

Originally posted by I was the OW

Exmm and I got into an arguement at work about a misunderstanding with work related issues. I IM'ed him from my office and asked him what is problem was which turned into a fight. He told me that being involved with me was the biggest mistake of his life and how much he regretted every thing between us. He said he can't believe he almost risked his M because of our A.

 

I know I shouldn't of done this but I went to his house during our lunch break as I wanted to get this worked out. I didn't want us working together if we couldn't get along. He was pissed off I showed up. He told me it was over and to stop coming over. I went over to his place late at night a week after he broke it off to talk hoping we could continue our relationship but he said no, that he is back with is W now and to leave him alone. He told me I had nerves coming over late at night to talk to him about us.

 

I can't get over him. I have called him using work as an excuse just to hear his voice. He keeps telling me to stop calling and to leave him alone. I am so lost and I didn't think I would be.

 

Girl I am so sorry you had to go thru this abuse on this site. They are slamming you.

 

I know you are hurting but do yourself a favor and start healing and do contact him anymore. Accept it is over.

[Merin]

Originally posted by jvjrose

Girl I am so sorry you had to go thru this abuse on this site. They are slamming you.

 

I know you are hurting but do yourself a favor and start healing and do contact him anymore. Accept it is over.

 

Just for the record I wasn't slamming the OP, I was saying that she isn't going to feel any better until she leaves this alone and collects her dignity.

 

My advice would be the same regardless if this Guy was married or not... if someone tells you to leave them alone, then yeah.. leave them alone.

[I was the OW]

I knew I was probably going to get some basher replies but that comes with the territory when you have an A with a MM. But thanks for sticking up for me

 

I was just hoping that maybe we could spend some time alone, outside of work, he would realize what he is missing out on. I'm a fun, outgoing, positive person and mm told me he loved that about me. He said his W was always withdrawn, unhappy, and always negative about things but yet, he could of been lying. He said he loved my passion for life and how happy I was and I was so much fun to be around because of it. We had so much fun together, I didn't think it would end so soon.

 

I know I need to stop calling him, but it's so hard, I am in love with him. I thought he was in love with me too. He always told me he loved me, would email me love letters at work saying how much he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and then WHAM! He broke it off. How can you tell someone so many wonderful things and not mean it? If he did mean it, how could he break off what we had?

 

I know I need to get over him, I know I need to stop contacting him. It is so hard to see him at work every day and not want to go over to him and flirt with him like I want to. I miss it.

 

I need to face reality here and realize that it's over.

 

I went on a date with a great guy the other night and had fun but it just wasn't the same. It wasn't the mm. I am going on a date with this SG again this weekend. Maybe if I continue dating this guy, who is really nice, it will help me get over the MM. I just don't want to make this guy feel like he is a rebound relationship though.

[9Lives]

Originally posted by Merin

Just for the record I wasn't slamming the OP, I was saying that she isn't going to feel any better until she leaves this alone and collects her dignity.

 

My advice would be the same regardless if this Guy was married or not... if someone tells you to leave them alone, then yeah.. leave them alone.

 

You are right. She should leave him alone. You are absolutely correct.

 

But

THAT GIRL IS SUFFERING

 

But you are right

[smile95]

ya know what.....just because he was married does not make the love you felt any less meaningful than if he was single. I know it is hard. Try and not call. You deserve better. If he is telling you, then something must has happened and he has decided it is not working. There will b plenty of single guys dying to be with you! Hang in there. Just try not to focus on him.

[shygurl]

Originally posted by I was the OW

Exmm and I got into an arguement at work about a misunderstanding with work related issues. I IM'ed him from my office and asked him what is problem was which turned into a fight. He told me that being involved with me was the biggest mistake of his life and how much he regretted every thing between us. He said he can't believe he almost risked his M because of our A.

 

I know I shouldn't of done this but I went to his house during our lunch break as I wanted to get this worked out. I didn't want us working together if we couldn't get along. He was pissed off I showed up. He told me it was over and to stop coming over. I went over to his place late at night a week after he broke it off to talk hoping we could continue our relationship but he said no, that he is back with is W now and to leave him alone. He told me I had nerves coming over late at night to talk to him about us.

 

I can't get over him. I have called him using work as an excuse just to hear his voice. He keeps telling me to stop calling and to leave him alone. I am so lost and I didn't think I would be.

 

You gotta get a grip here, and leave this guy alone or he could have you charged w/ stalking him. He's told you to leave him alone so if you continue to contact him (outside of work, assuming you must speak with him @ work related to work) by going to his house, driving by his house, phoning him, etc................you're going to get yourself into hot water. Get yourself into some counselling to help you figure out why you got together with a MM to begin with....and work through it........and work on rebuilding your dignity and self esteem.

[Pocky]

Sometimes loving someone means sacrificing our own happiness. If you can honestly tell yourself that you love him then do what he has asked of you. Walk away and leave his life.

[lynnered]

1st of all i am sorry u are going through this pain ,

ignore the 2 low class replys after merins

nothing about breaking up wh anybody is ez especially when u feel like ur getting gang banged here where u came to vent & get some advice,

2 help heal ur heart & feel better ,

again ignore them they are obv miserable in their own lives wh nothing better to do then attack u

anyway ,

u need to focus on u avoid him at work ,

its not the end of the world ,

do not let him see u acting like that ,that is not u its just ur hurt screaming inside and out u need an outlet ,

exercise ,read ,start a journel anything keep busy

u do not need him or anybody

and when he calls u again u need to not even answer

avoid him

pm me anytime hope u feel better and remember sometimes things happen 4 a reason

keep ur chin up kid :

[Ladyjane14]

Geez, what a cat-fight.

 

And what's interesting about it is that regardless of each poster's marital status, you're all essentially giving the OP the same basic advice....Respect MM's wishes for NC...you'll feel better..

 

It's good advice too....the OP will feel stronger and more confident as time goes by, particularly if she embraces MM's wishes to the point where she, herself, demands no further contact of HIM. Imagine that, if you will...."You don't want to see me anymore, well how convenient....'cause I was done with your sorry behind anyway, and I'm ALREADY seeing someone new!"

 

It's hard to do, sure....but you WILL feel better when your dignity is intact.

 

(and p.s. to Lynnered...your shorthand really IS too difficult to decipher. I usually skip over your posts because of it. No offense intended.)

[Mr. Reality]

find another job and leave him alone.you were told in you other thread concerning this situation it was going to affect the work place.....do yourself a favor and get out of there....but if you continue to contact him then you deserve all the pain your getting.be smart.....leave him alone and get a new job.

[floatinglotus]

My Dear, I truly feel your pain. Since my MM pulled the plug, I wanted to walk in front of a bus (and no, I am not joking). However, I have my mother and friends to think of so I have been unable to.

 

He told me how much he loved me too. I posted here some days back. Please read the advice some very caring people have posted in response. They are equally as valid for your situation too.

 

I am hurt and I am angry and the pain I'm feeling right now is unbearable.

 

For those knocking OWs, let it be known that I had no idea what an affair meant. It was not as if I knew about this site before succumbing to a very charming and worldly man - I had no need to as I would be the last person to even think of having an affair. I was/am morally opposed to it. I thought however that he had truly found his waterloo in me. I had no idea that all these affairs I've been reading on this board sound so terribly similar. And of course, extra-marital relations are not spoken of in polite company so I was totally unaware of what I was getting into.

 

I shall pray and please know that you are not alone.

[joodee]

Yes, you are not alone.

 

And the thing is, these MM's are telling us that they love us, etc., and I assume we have all seen success stories of MM's leaving their wifes for true happiness with the OW. That's what happened in my family over and over, my brother, my cousins, a few close friends, etc.....and I thought, wow, it's my turn, my MM must be the one, and "true love will conquer all..." you think I was looking to find true love with an MM??? No way! But I did my now ex-MM and thought, well, maybe.....

 

Please do leave the MM alone, that is very hard to do, but you have to, for your sake. I know. I have been dumped by several single boyfriends, much like how you were. And the only way to deal with being treated like that is to not call, not e-mail, do NC, and WRITE in a journal and cry into your pillow and feel the loss.... wine helps, by the way....

 

And then start exercising and make yourself look as good as you can. That will be the best revenge.

 

Hope that helps. Please know you are not alone.

[newbby]

Exmm said hurtful things to me Post: 1 | Quote:

 

Exmm and I got into an arguement at work about a misunderstanding with work related issues. I IM'ed him from my office and asked him what is problem was which turned into a fight. He told me that being involved with me was the biggest mistake of his life and how much he regretted every thing between us. He said he can't believe he almost risked his M because of our A.

 

I know I shouldn't of done this but I went to his house during our lunch break as I wanted to get this worked out. I didn't want us working together if we couldn't get along. He was pissed off I showed up. He told me it was over and to stop coming over. I went over to his place late at night a week after he broke it off to talk hoping we could continue our relationship but he said no, that he is back with is W now and to leave him alone. He told me I had nerves coming over late at night to talk to him about us.

 

I can't get over him. I have called him using work as an excuse just to hear his voice. He keeps telling me to stop calling and to leave him alone. I am so lost and I didn't think I would be.

 

 

i think this kind of rejection is difficult to deal with because, for one, the shift in the mm's stated feelings is dramatic. for another, you are treated as though you are stalking because you havent had any real answers, and you are made to feel as though you are weak and desperate.

this brings huge amounts of frustration because you are treated as though you have no right to feel as you do, after all he is married, what did you expect blah blah

who can say what is going on in the mind of the mm, but he probably initially blames you for this, to assuage his own guilt for one, to appease his wife for another. this, you just have to let him get on with. the more space you give him, the more likely he will figure that it wasnt your fault, that he made the decisions to be with you on the side of his marriage and to leave his wife for you.

of course it makes no difference, but the more you try to get answers from him, the more you hurt yourself and the more frustrated you get.

it is a shame you have to work with him, is it at all possible to get another job? he is your boss right? if so, then i would just say to him "i understand your feelings, i too regret the whole thing, i dont know what i was thinking, now it would be best for both of us if i could get another job, therefore i require a move to another department or some extremely good references, that is all i have to say to you"

[I was the OW]

Originally posted by Mr. Reality

find another job and leave him alone.you were told in you other thread concerning this situation it was going to affect the work place.....do yourself a favor and get out of there....but if you continue to contact him then you deserve all the pain your getting.be smart.....leave him alone and get a new job.

 

Mr. Reality, I have looked for other jobs but so far there is nothing out there in my area. I have done this line of work for so long, it's the only thing I really know. I never graduated from high school (but I have my GED), never went to college, so it's hard for me to find a job that pays good enough to support me and my two children. I am getting child support for my youngest now from my stbxh, and my exh of my oldest child but I still can't afford to quit and take a pay decrease. The only way I will quit this job I have is if I find something else that pays more. I like my job and honestly, why should I be the one to find another job? He is just as much to blame for the A as I am? And honestly, I don't put the blame on myself at all. Yes, I persued him, but he could of said no. I figured if he is going to leave his W to be with me then why stop there? Selfish of me? Maybe, but if he didn't care about filing for a D from his W to be with me then why should I care?

 

I know my exmm wont find another job because he just got promoted the first of the year and has told me he has no intention of quitting but has mentioned about me finding another job as it's causing problems with us and plus his W hates that we still work together. I will continue to look for employment elsewhere. If my exmm tries to get me fired I am heading straight to the HR departmen! I am watching my back. If there is anything I can turn him in for I will do it. I come first and so does my kids and if I have to be the one to get him fired before he gets me fired, I will do it in a heartbeat.

 

As for family and support, I have no family here. My parents are both D and live out of state. I don't ever see my own father and my mom it's very rare. I have no siblings so going to my family for support isn't an option. As for friends, right now, I don't have many after all this mess happened.

[Mr. Reality]

i didn't know your background so i'm sorry if i seemed to have stepped out of line....seeing as this is the case do the best you can for yourself and your kids.i know i come across as harsh but i really don't mean to....as i said before in another post....i don't sugar coat things.if you stay at your job....leave the guy alone...do whatever to have no contact with him whatsoever...go out of your way to achieve that.whatever is going to happen...is going to happen.....so do your best to prepare for the worst.if it doesn't happen then no problem...if it does happen...it won't sting so much.

[I was the OW]

Originally posted by Mr. Reality

i didn't know your background so i'm sorry if i seemed to have stepped out of line....seeing as this is the case do the best you can for yourself and your kids.i know i come across as harsh but i really don't mean to....as i said before in another post....i don't sugar coat things.if you stay at your job....leave the guy alone...do whatever to have no contact with him whatsoever...go out of your way to achieve that.whatever is going to happen...is going to happen.....so do your best to prepare for the worst.if it doesn't happen then no problem...if it does happen...it won't sting so much.

 

No problem Mr. Reality, I didn't feel like you stepped out of line, in fact I appreciate your advice.

 

Until I find another job I don't know how I can have NC with the exmm. He is my supervisor and we have to converse every day, several times a day. I slipped up yesturday and said something really stupid! He was in a bad mood and I told him that maybe he needs to go have a nooner so he would feel better. He didn't say anything. I am the type of person who says what I am feeling and I am not shy about it. I figured it was harmless fun but now I realize it wasn't the appropriate thing to say. He told me that we are to be professional and no more personal conversations. He is really starting to change. He isn't the fun person I have known for so many years. I told him I was sorry and that I just want him to be happy (if he's not happy, no one is).

 

I just have to learn to stay away from him as much as possible. Being around him all day long is hard to get over him. It has been hard because with his change in attitude I always think he is made at me. Yesturday wasn't the best between us so stupid me called him later that evening to see if he was still upset with me. He didn't answer his phone. I should of known better. I overheard him telling other co-workers that his W and kids were coming down to see him last night so I am sure he didn't answer because she was there. He has caller ID on his cell phone so he knew it was me calling. Why am I being so stupid by calling him? Why am I so worried he is mad at me all the time? I just need to go to work, do my job, and try to be professional with him. As long as I do my job and stay away from him as much as possible it wont be too bad.

 

I have another date with that SG I work with. Maybe it will help me to get on with my life if I find myself happy with someone other than exmm. Only time will tell. I am living one day at a time.

[Debster]

I have another date with that SG I work with. Maybe it will help me to get on with my life if I find myself happy with someone other than exmm. Only time will tell. I am living one day at a time.

 

Why if you can't leave this job do you insist on crapping where you eat?

There is a reason why romance in the office is bad.

Haven't you learned your lesson?

[I was the OW]

Originally posted by Debster

Why if you can't leave this job do you insist on crapping where you eat?

There is a reason why romance in the office is bad.

Haven't you learned your lesson?

 

Debster, appartenly I haven't learned my lesson since I am dating another co-worker. I don't see this SG being a jerk if we don't last. He is the sweetest, kindest man I have ever met. I have always been attracted to him but I was more attracted to my exmm. I didn't try to go after the SG because I was so attracted to my exmm. I didn't care that he was M when I started flirting with him. From where I stood his M was in trouble and I figured since he isn't happy I could make him happy.

 

I don't see me lasting at my current job much longer. My goal is to get another job at another plant as soon as they have openings. As of now, they are having a ton of lay offs so working there isn't an option. I have already put in my application there so it could be anytime soon that I could get a job there. I know I could make more money at the other plant than I am where I am at. So, I don't plan on working there much longer.

[pacificdove]

Hi OW,

 

I read you post with interest. I know the feeling of rejection all too well. How are you so far? How about work and any luck with moving to different plant? I personally feel you should STAY and do your job well.

 

I am going to throw something here for you to look at as self evaluation and not directed to offend you. I am only going to state based on behavior pattern so please, do not feel offended but rather read and observe.

 

My observation of your behavior is, I don't believe you 'love' this man, I think you are infatuated with what he has, good job recognization, his family, the symbol of the image you dream of. Your impulse to call him and making sure he is not mad at you is all about wanting confirmation of the 'love' you have been missing in your past. (This is evident only because you seem to be having a hard time leaving him alone even after he harshly orders you so). You are missing the confirmation that you can be loved, you are a good person etc.....not necessary from just the opposite sex, I mean love as general. You are trying so hard to please, your pursit is based on tacit of acceptance and allowing the person to 'see' what you can do. If the person response positively, you feel fulfilled that you have accomplished and feel confirmed that YOU can be loved, and is desirable.

 

Now, why then after he pushed you away that you keep pulling him? That is the standard behavior pattern in the person who have been rejected, also a pattern if you have been rejected numerous times either as a child, injury sustained from comparison among siblings, while being married, or even as in social circle. Emotional lack of acceptance is the reason why you keep tagging him, hoping that even if the relationship ended, he should acknowledge you that he did love you but, it wasn't YOU the reason he called it quit. He was using the avoidance tacit to dismiss blame on himself, while doing this cowardly thing, he is damaging you, your self-esteem and bringing that hidden compartment alive so you become hungry for confirmation. Then, in this situation, you will have to take on the adult role.

 

Understand that the 'off' was not ABOUT what you lacked or did wrong. You could make him feel the happiest man alive for a year and still he probably wouldn't have engaged in a long term nor wanted life with you. It could be numerous reasons on HIS part why. The fear of unknown zone, the stability he can have with you vs his wife, was unbalanced, the responsiblity of taking up 2 kids of others including his own. Just didn't add up. So, I think the best you can do is to realize that this was just a fantasy. Fantasies have short lives.

 

Since he is avoiding you and from the sound of it, you will not be able to have a decent level of conversation for a closure, close it in your heart. Your actions you show in your professionalism will direct him to see your silent message. How you make eye contact, words you chose when you speak, the body language, will all give him that signal. Give it time for the uncomfortable wound to heal. When an apporpiate time comes and HE strikes the conversation first about how he noticed you are doing 'better'. Have the last say.... something like, "I decided that I am going to own the wrong and forgive you too." or whatever you want to say but in tasteful tone. Give it a smile, eye to eye , turn and walk away.....

 

Wish that you would feel better.... post and let me know, I care!