I stopped myself from having an affair

[NomiMalone]

A new guy recently started working at a sporting club I play at. He is my age (early 30s) and I knew from the get-go that he was married as he wore a wedding ring. He's generally a really friendly guy so I thought nothing of it when he offered to email me some tips related to our sport. I replied to the email to say thank you and I thought that would be the end of it.

 

But he sent me another email asking me how my weekend was. I replied. And that was how it all began. We got to know each other mainly via email. He is smart, articulate, interesting and attentive, and before I knew it, his emails became the best part of my day.

 

When he suggested we meet for a quick coffee at a cafe close to the club before one of my games, I said yes, and he asked me for my number to arrange a time to meet. And so daily emails then turned into daily texts - numerous texts a day, at all hours of the day, and the occasional coffee, that I'd look forward to with so much anticipation and excitement.

 

It was clear there was a very intense, mutual attraction there. I knew very well that what we were doing was wrong, but I tried to rationalise it as just a friendship, since nothing physical was involved. He never once talked about his wife, only about their 2 young boys. He would put his hand on my arm or leg occasionally and often complimented me on my appearance. He made it clear he found me attractive and soon subtly but clearly indicated that he wanted things to get physical. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about it - the chemistry we had was amazing. Just sitting across the table from him over coffee was intoxicating. He was my "type" to a tee. Looking back now I don't even know how I managed to resist. Only that I kept reminding myself that the consequences could be numerous and unbearable. What scared me the most was the possibility of the whole club finding out and losing respect for me, labelling me as a home wrecker.

 

Soon I started to find myself feeling anxious, guilty, and towards the end, like I was losing myself. Every time my phone beeped with a new message, I lunged at it to check whether it was from him. I finally had "the talk" with him after one of our coffee meet-ups. I opened up to him and told him that I wanted more than what he could give me, and so it was best that we not be friends. He said he respected me for my decision. But the next day he continued to email me sporting tips as if nothing had happened! I stayed NC for awhile but eventually gave in and continued to participate, and pretty soon we were back to having coffee. Not long after, I tried ending things with him again, and the same thing happened, with him coming back again. But yesterday afternoon, after yet another coffee meet-up filled with awkward sexual tension, I finally saw the futility and hopelessness of the situation, and sent an email very nicely saying that I was done.

 

The difference between this time and the other two times was that this time, I finally felt ready to get rid of him from my life. We'd had a "good run", I told myself. And we're lucky to have escaped unscathed with nothing having been lost.

 

Now my world is a little less colourful, and some things seem a bit pointless. But at the same time, I feel liberated and, with the anxiety and guilt disappearing, as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I thought I'd be heartbroken like I had been the other two times I'd dumped" him, but surprisingly, I'm haven't been.

 

I think he'll actually give up on me this time as he can clearly see that it's an uphill battle trying to get me into bed.

 

So now in the aftermath, I have some questions for anyone else who's gone through the same thing:

 

1) The ease with which he carried out his pursuit of me gives me the impression that I'm not the first girl he's approached and tried to begin an affair with. (I wouldn't be surprised if he'd been texting and meeting up with multiple other women at the same time.) Why does he seem to have absolutely zero remorse, guilt or shame? I think back to the last time I was in a serious relationship, where although things were quite awful for half of it, I would NEVER have even entertained the thought of pursuing another man whilst attached.

 

2) Why can't I, even now, see him as the lying, cheating, manipulative, selfish person that he actually is?

 

3) Will I ever stop finding him attractive (and stop wanting to sleep with him)?

 

4) Was he grooming me?

[OpenBook]

So now in the aftermath, I have some questions for anyone else who's gone through the same thing:

 

1) Why does he seem to have absolutely zero remorse, guilt or shame?

Never assume other people think the way you do. Especially men! His value system, and the way he views others, is different from yours. What is abhorrent to you is totally acceptable to him, and vice versa.

 

2) Why can't I, even now, see him as the lying, cheating, manipulative, selfish person that he actually is?

Because whatever he did, it brought out something wonderful in you that wanted to come out, and you're grateful to him, and because of that projecting things on him / viewing him as some kind of god. He's not.

 

3) Will I ever stop finding him attractive (and stop wanting to sleep with him)?

Probably not. The difference in the future will be, you will attach less significance to that attraction.

 

4) Was he grooming me?

Yes.

 

Now my world is a little less colourful, and some things seem a bit pointless.

Don't worry, the colors will come back. Give it time.

[Bufo]

This is a very pointed example why NC is always recommended to a posting BS and to a posting WS or OW who wants the A to end. The predator invests nothing but time in the pursuit. The payoff if it happens far exceeds the value of the predatory effort.

 

Yes, you were being groomed. Rather patiently and skillfully. Had you been in a position of a less than satisfactory relationship with another or lacking good feelings about yourself think how you might have found this approach irrestible.

[burnt]

I stopped myself from having an affair

 

Incorrect!

You already have. You have been having an emotional affair with him this whole time.

 

I think he'll actually give up on me this time as he can clearly see that it's an uphill battle trying to get me into bed.

 

No, he won't; but the way he makes his next 'come-back' will be different from the previous times.

For example, instead of callously sending more 'gym tips', he may send you a "heart-felt" email acknowledging all the goods, and how wonderful and moral a person you are and that he has immense respect for you; that he cannot lose such a genuine and decent friend and that he will go with whatever you are comfortable with and promise to keep this as strictly platonic. That after reading you last email he has deeply reflected on his behavior and now sees that he was wrong and he hates himself and he wants to do the right, but doesn't want to lose such a unique friendship in which he feels 'connected'.

 

In other words, at each stage of the game, his move will mimic your current mindset to make you feel valued, respected, and most importantly understood.

 

And ergo...will the next cycle begins again. He pulled you back again and again, and each time it gave him a higher sense of "winning a trophy"--why would he stop now?

 

1) The ease with which he carried out his pursuit of me gives me the impression that I'm not the first girl he's approached and tried to begin an affair with.

 

Most likely, but not necessarily; if you read--and I would strongly recommend that you do--many of the posts in this OW/OM forum, you'd gather many of the affair stories are incredibly similar to your story so far but the MMs were on their 'first' trials. They are that good even the first trials around. But, yes, they have at the least considered and fantasized it before even if they didn't carry out another affair.

 

2) Why can't I, even now, see him as the lying, cheating, manipulative, selfish person that he actually is?

 

Because you are still very much emotionally attached to him. You are still very much in the middle of the affair fog (please look that term up if you aren't familiar with it already). It will take you a much much longer time of NC before you can detach yourself from him and see him for who he really is. Your rational thoughts and emotional feelings are not aligned yet.

 

3) Will I ever stop finding him attractive (and stop wanting to sleep with him)?

 

Yes; but it will take time; it will only come when you are fully out of that pinning phase. And it will only come if you can force yourself to maintain that NC -- even a single contact will be strong enough to break your self control at this point.

 

Have you blocked him? If not, assure yourself that before you know it you will be back in contact with him soon.

Have you stopped going to that gym yet?

 

The only solution you have is cutting absolutely every avenue for him to contact you and lure you back in.

Don't trust your self control at this point.

 

4) Was he grooming me?

 

Yep; you bet.

[sandylee1]

So it's very clear he was offering you the opportunity to be his OW. That's the only opening he had and he thought you'd be up for it.

 

This was an emotional affair that managed not to turn physical.

 

He knows and you know that his wife wouldn't have been impressed with the nature and level of interaction between you.

[NomiMalone]

Thanks everyone for all your thoughts. I can't believe I was so blind to the grooming. The thing is he seemed like a genuinely nice, caring, wholesome guy. Never in a million years would anyone ever suspect him of being a cheat. That's how I believe he had me fooled.

 

Burnt - his last email, in response to my email was exactly what you wrote, almost word for word (apart from "I was wrong".) I replied saying thanks and that was it. He's not contacted me since. I honestly don't expect he'll try to come back this time, as his last email seemed final (wished me luck etc). I'm sure that with all the times he's been "dumped", the lustre of this has worn off for him just like it has for me.

 

I remember the exact moment I knew I was "done" with him. He'd walked me back to my car after our last coffee date. He wrapped me in his arms for a really long hug as he said said goodbye. As I watched him walk away, I found the only word to describe how I felt - "lost". And that was how I knew he had to go.

 

I've blocked him on my phone, and I've blocked his gmail address. I haven't blocked his work email though, as he sends club announcements through that email. (And unfortunately I have to email him back occasionally to advice of whether I'd be participating in some games/practice sessions). I've been at that club for 5 years and don't want to switch to another club because of him.

 

I sure as hell don't want him back. I don't ever want all that anxiety and guilt to be part of my daily life ever again. I see myself as having made a lucky escape at the right time.

 

Thinking back now, I don't even know how he managed to hide his texting from his wife. He texted me at all hours of the day, at times

including first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Also we went to popular cafes at peak hour - I don't know why he wasn't scared he'd bump into someone he or his wife knew.

[Starswillshine]

Thanks everyone for all your thoughts. I can't believe I was so blind to the grooming. The thing is he seemed like a genuinely nice, caring, wholesome guy. Never in a million years would anyone ever suspect him of being a cheat. That's how I believe he had me fooled.

 

Burnt - his last email, in response to my email was exactly what you wrote, almost word for word (apart from "I was wrong".) I replied saying thanks and that was it. He's not contacted me since. I honestly don't expect he'll try to come back this time, as his last email seemed final (wished me luck etc). I'm sure that with all the times he's been "dumped", the lustre of this has worn off for him just like it has for me.

 

I remember the exact moment I knew I was "done" with him. He'd walked me back to my car after our last coffee date. He wrapped me in his arms for a really long hug as he said said goodbye. As I watched him walk away, I found the only word to describe how I felt - "lost". And that was how I knew he had to go.

 

I've blocked him on my phone, and I've blocked his gmail address. I haven't blocked his work email though, as he sends club announcements through that email. (And unfortunately I have to email him back occasionally to advice of whether I'd be participating in some games/practice sessions). I've been at that club for 5 years and don't want to switch to another club because of him.

 

I sure as hell don't want him back. I don't ever want all that anxiety and guilt to be part of my daily life ever again. I see myself as having made a lucky escape at the right time.

 

Thinking back now, I don't even know how he managed to hide his texting from his wife. He texted me at all hours of the day, at times

including first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Also we went to popular cafes at peak hour - I don't know why he wasn't scared he'd bump into someone he or his wife knew.

 

He probably told her it was work. That is what my WH said.

 

My WH also did similar things. With actually many different women. Ask to meet up for drinks, or lunch, etc. Always with the guise as it was a professional meeting but he needed to be "friendly" to build relationships. That is what he told me if I ever found out about these meetings. There was one woman he was consistent with trying to meet up for coffee to "pick her brain". She was a bit out of his league though, especially for a married guy, but nevertheless he persisted.

 

I think most of these women dont even see it coming.

[NomiMalone]

He probably told her it was work. That is what my WH said.

 

My WH also did similar things. With actually many different women. Ask to meet up for drinks, or lunch, etc. Always with the guise as it was a professional meeting but he needed to be "friendly" to build relationships. That is what he told me if I ever found out about these meetings. There was one woman he was consistent with trying to meet up for coffee to "pick her brain". She was a bit out of his league though, especially for a married guy, but nevertheless he persisted.

 

I think most of these women dont even see it coming.

 

Starswillshine, that's awful of him. I'm sorry you went through that. My MM definitely met with other women for lunches/coffees. After my experience, I don't think I could ever trust men 100% again.

[stillafool]

Quote:

1) The ease with which he carried out his pursuit of me gives me the impression that I'm not the first girl he's approached and tried to begin an affair with.

 

No it's just that these men know there are millions of single women who are willing to cheat with a married man for affection and yes it is easy for them.

[Starswillshine]

Starswillshine, that's awful of him. I'm sorry you went through that. My MM definitely met with other women for lunches/coffees. After my experience, I don't think I could ever trust men 100% again.

 

Good men are out there. Just when you start to find them justifying behavior you don't agree with.... RUN!!!!!

 

My WH justified everything. Made me out to be so insanely jealous and insecure that I even started to believe it. Nah, it wasnt me... it was him. Took a long time for my heart to catch up with what I knew... so divorce is now in the works.

 

But good guys are out there. Just as many women cheat as men, but I know there are non-cheaters out there. I know this because I was faithful fiercely for 20 years. And if I was then others were, too!

 

So dont let a scummy sleazeball ruin the idea of love!

[jah526]

Good men are out there. Just when you start to find them justifying behavior you don't agree with.... RUN!!!!!

 

My WH justified everything. Made me out to be so insanely jealous and insecure that I even started to believe it. Nah, it wasnt me... it was him. Took a long time for my heart to catch up with what I knew... so divorce is now in the works.

 

But good guys are out there. Just as many women cheat as men, but I know there are non-cheaters out there. I know this because I was faithful fiercely for 20 years. And if I was then others were, too!

 

So dont let a scummy sleazeball ruin the idea of love!

 

Glad to hear you’re divorcing. The justifications from MM were what did me in. I have a tendency to doubt myself and listen to others anyway. It really caused a lot of cognitive dissonance. I remember actually feeling sorry for him, when he’d tell me he was “trapped” and “stressed”.

 

It occurred to me that one thing that might help if you are in the early stages is to ask to be his friend on FB. Mine never friended me. Maybe he was scared I’d have a way to contact his wife if he did. If nothing else it will help you to see how transparent he is, and may give you a way to contact his wife if necessary.

[NomiMalone]

Starswillshine - Good advice! It's so easy to wrongly write off red flags as simply us being insecure. I'm glad you realised it was him and not you! Hope you've been in a much better place since deciding to divorce.

 

Jah526 - my MM asked to friend me on FB but I said I was never on there so don't bother, and he didn't have Instagram (which is what I mainly use) so he couldn't follow me. With FB, apparently he's not posted any photos with his wife in them for about a year, so it would've been easy to get the impression he was available.

[DKT3]

Starswillshine - Good advice! It's so easy to wrongly write off red flags as simply us being insecure. I'm glad you realised it was him and not you! Hope you've been in a much better place since deciding to divorce.

 

Jah526 - my MM asked to friend me on FB but I said I was never on there so don't bother, and he didn't have Instagram (which is what I mainly use) so he couldn't follow me. With FB, apparently he's not posted any photos with his wife in them for about a year, so it would've been easy to get the impression he was available.

 

My MM...so you avoided having an affair? You sure? Maybe stopped short of having sex but you are neck deep.

[carhill]

Stipulating that no one can read the mind of another.....

 

 

1) The ease with which he carried out his pursuit of me gives me the impression that I'm not the first girl he's approached and tried to begin an affair with. (I wouldn't be surprised if he'd been texting and meeting up with multiple other women at the same time.) Why does he seem to have absolutely zero remorse, guilt or shame?

IME as a man and fMM, compartmentalization. You were the flirt box, the fun box, the attention box. When he was done with that he put it away and pulled out the wife box for his home life. Little different from men who separate work and home and the different personality characteristics often required.

 

2) Why can't I, even now, see him as the lying, cheating, manipulative, selfish person that he actually is?

Hard to know for sure but usually a combination of emotional attachment and historical love experience. His style felt 'home', even if your intellect can describe it as you did here.

 

3) Will I ever stop finding him attractive (and stop wanting to sleep with him)?

Eventually, IMO, sure. I found accepting the attraction and attachment as real and OK for its moment in life to go a long way. Moments end and new ones take their place.

 

4) Was he grooming me?

Hard to know. If he's had a lot of experience with other women while married, or prior when in relationships, he probably developed a style that works. Usually men who are good with women, successful with them, develop their game early in life, teenagers usually, and hone it with experience. Even if married, they still have the game in their head and can put it into play at any moment, or never.

 

This too shall pass. Break contact hard and move on to other things. The feelings will fade. If you need something to 'finish business', I found passing evidence to the spouse to work wonders. Hard and final end, done. Good luck!

[jah526]

Starswillshine - Good advice! It's so easy to wrongly write off red flags as simply us being insecure. I'm glad you realised it was him and not you! Hope you've been in a much better place since deciding to divorce.

 

Jah526 - my MM asked to friend me on FB but I said I was never on there so don't bother, and he didn't have Instagram (which is what I mainly use) so he couldn't follow me. With FB, apparently he's not posted any photos with his wife in them for about a year, so it would've been easy to get the impression he was available.

 

That’s kind of what I meant about transparency. If you are in doubt about his intentions, FB can give you some clues. Is this someone who posts about his wife/family? Mine rarely did. Lots of pics of himself. Nothing under relationship status. Looking at his wife’s page was completely the opposite.

[NomiMalone]

A little update: I've received an email from his work address. Just a "Hi how are you?" with a little update about his week.

 

For a moment I felt my resolve to maintain NC dissolving, but after awhile came back to my senses. He is, once again, putting in minimal effort to test the waters and to see what he can get. Maybe he's bored. I have no doubt he misses having me in his life, but ultimately he's just trying to get what he wants out of me. Now I just feel a mixture of emotions, none of which are good. Just mainly disappointment and emptiness at this no-win situation I've found myself in. I feel he's disrespected my request to not contact me (about non-club related stuff). I'm not going to reply. No way am I going back to living with a cloud of anxiety and doom hanging over me.

[Overtaxed]

Do you know what a "trot line" is? It's something that fisherman have used in the past, instead of a line with a single lure at the end, they put a line in the water with 200 hooks, one every 2 feet. Basically the idea being that rather than spend a lot of time on making a really good lure, or casting 100's of times to a single fish, you put a TON of lures in the water and just wait for something to bite. And you know what? It's so effective that it's illegal for many types of fishing; it's considered unfair because fishing success is in large part determined by how many times your lure is seen by the fish, put in 1 lure, it might be seen 10 times, put in 100 lures, it's seen 10,000 times and you catch 100X more fish.

 

This is how most male AP's operate. The lure they have kind of stinks. Most women don't want to bite on it because the position of AP for a woman isn't exactly the most attractive relationship agreement if you're not out for NSA sex (which most women aren't). There's not much you can do about the lure sucking so, instead of trying to patch up your lure (get a D before dating) you take a new tactic. A trot line. Instead of trying to get one woman in bed, you try to get 10, 20 or 100. You make sure everyone sees your lure so that if anyone is even slightly hungry, you're going to be the first person they see and jump into bed with. It's a game of numbers, the more lines you have in the water, the more likely you are to get a bite. Most of the time, A's aren't about trophy hunting, they are about dinner fishing, you're just looking to get a fish on the line, not land any particular fish.

 

The other thing, the payoff is incredibly asymmetric for the AP, it takes very little time/effort to drop another line in the water. A few more e-mails, some TXT messages and a lunch or dinner (that they needed to eat anyway) here or there. So with very little investment for each lure you throw out there, you wind up the potential to hook a fish that will keep you fed for a long time. So what's the downside; if you come across someone who might be interested, rig up another rod and drop another lure in the water, see what happens. Nobody ever caught a fish without putting their line in the water, pretty much a truism among fishermen and men out looking for new sexual partners.

 

The problem is, your the fish, and you're hooked, struggling to get off the line. It's very likely he's hooked a few other fish too and they are struggling down line from you, but you getting off the hook matters A LOT more to you than the fisherman getting another fish. He's not starving, in fact, he's got a whole house stocked with fantastic food already (his wife). But you, struggling on the hook, this is life/death for you. If you get off, you swim away and get to keep living, if not, you get chucked in cooler (and you'll eventually get released, this fisherman is only out for sport, not dinner fishing) but you'll miss a whole lot of the ocean you could have seen otherwise and wind up released all torn up and not knowing which way is up anymore.

 

It matters a whole lot more to the fish than the fisherman. Each fish is just one more trophy, one more thing to take his picture with. If he doesn't catch you, he'll catch another.

 

Throw the hook and swim away.

[NomiMalone]

Thanks Overtaxed for taking the time to offer your insights. Really appreciate the well put together analogy and it made me understand the situation on a different level - namely that in this instance it means more to me to be rid of him, than to him to add another notch to his belt.

 

I now believe he had me as a target for the trotline from the get go as he has NEVER spoken of his wife. If he had only meant to strike up a friendship with me, he would've been open about his marriage and home life, which is what friends talk about. This for me answers the question about whether grooming was involved.

[What_Did_I_Do]

A little update: I've received an email from his work address. Just a "Hi how are you?" with a little update about his week.

 

For a moment I felt my resolve to maintain NC dissolving, but after awhile came back to my senses. He is, once again, putting in minimal effort to test the waters and to see what he can get. Maybe he's bored. I have no doubt he misses having me in his life, but ultimately he's just trying to get what he wants out of me. Now I just feel a mixture of emotions, none of which are good. Just mainly disappointment and emptiness at this no-win situation I've found myself in. I feel he's disrespected my request to not contact me (about non-club related stuff). I'm not going to reply. No way am I going back to living with a cloud of anxiety and doom hanging over me.

 

No, no....he IS disrespecting your request for NC. Because this is all about him.

 

OT is bang on. He's throwing the line out for you and hoping you'll bite. If you don't respond to this email he might try again with something a little more clever - possibly some dire situation that needs your immediate attention or help. One where only you can help OP. And if that attempt fails, he'll shrug his shoulders and move on to the next fish on the line. Do you see the pattern here?

[carhill]

Change your e-mail and phone number and done. Push notifications of that to whomever needs to know. It goes on every day. Find out how to contact his spouse (I did this) and send the spouse evidence of contact from him. It'll all end, one way or another.

 

The presumes you want a solution and to move on. If not, disregard. I'm still going off the title of the thread.

[NomiMalone]

Change your e-mail and phone number and done. Push notifications of that to whomever needs to know. It goes on every day. Find out how to contact his spouse (I did this) and send the spouse evidence of contact from him. It'll all end, one way or another.

 

The presumes you want a solution and to move on. If not, disregard. I'm still going off the title of the thread.

 

Thanks Carhill. I've already blocked his gmail and his number on my phone. Unfortunately he works at the sporting club I attend, and I cannot block his work email address, as that is the email address he uses to send club announcements from.

 

I have not replied to his latest little email, and in my mind I have already moved on, with my decision to never go back.

 

Appreciate your other reply also. Thank you - some very good points there.

[NomiMalone]

MM is still in my life and I need advice on how to end this politely, once and for all. In the last fortnight, he has contacted me via the work email to let me know he had a gift for me, which I ignored. A few days later, he called me from the club landline number. I didn't pick up the first time, but when he called again, I stupidly picked up, ending 2 weeks of onerous NC. Picking up was my biggest mistake and the moment of weakness has since been an immense regret. The conversation went for an hour and a half, during which we talked like we used to. He suggested meeting for lunch. I declined. When he ended the call, he said we'd speak again. I said no. He sounded amused and I realised that by having taken his call and engaging with him, in his eyes I've lost my credibility.

 

I'm so angry at myself, and I need this man out of my life. I'd like to do it politely, but I don't know whether that's even an option anymore given the circumstances.

 

Obviously, all calls from the club landline will now go to voicemail.

 

Would it be best to simply ghost him?

[DKT3]

MM is still in my life and I need advice on how to end this politely, once and for all. In the last fortnight, he has contacted me via the work email to let me know he had a gift for me, which I ignored. A few days later, he called me from the club landline number. I didn't pick up the first time, but when he called again, I stupidly picked up, ending 2 weeks of onerous NC. Picking up was my biggest mistake and the moment of weakness has since been an immense regret. The conversation went for an hour and a half, during which we talked like we used to. He suggested meeting for lunch. I declined. When he ended the call, he said we'd speak again. I said no. He sounded amused and I realised that by having taken his call and engaging with him, in his eyes I've lost my credibility.

 

I'm so angry at myself, and I need this man out of my life. I'd like to do it politely, but I don't know whether that's even an option anymore given the circumstances.

 

Obviously, all calls from the club landline will now go to voicemail.

 

Would it be best to simply ghost him?

 

If you REALLY want to end it you will. It kinda sounds like you enjoy knowing that he is still trying.

 

Secondly, why do you need it to be polite? Why not just say you aren't interested in a committed man and if he insists on continuing to contact you, you will inform his partner? Done and done.

[JuneL]

Thanks Carhill. I've already blocked his gmail and his number on my phone. Unfortunately he works at the sporting club I attend, and I cannot block his work email address, as that is the email address he uses to send club announcements from.

 

I have not replied to his latest little email, and in my mind I have already moved on, with my decision to never go back.

 

Appreciate your other reply also. Thank you - some very good points there.

 

Leave the sports s club. Report him to the sports club director.

[Bittersweetie]

I read this book recently about affairs and it was talking about how many times APs (more so women) will not go no contact because they don't want to be rude.

 

But the thing is, if there's a situation to be rude, isn't this it?

 

You are choosing yourself, valuing yourself. You have asked him to not contact you and he continues to disrespect you and your wishes.

 

Go be rude. You have permission.

 

And yeah, you may need to find a new sports club.