From primary to OW in 10 years: What now?

[sunny_day]

Please don't harshly judge me. I created this account because I've not shared this with anyone.

 

I know there is no other choice or option but to break it off. I have tried for more than 10 years to end this.

 

I met him when I was 36, and he was 33. We were introduced by mutual friends, who are still in my life, a wonderful married couple the same age.

 

The first date and second date we were out on a double date with the couple who introduced us. I was friends with the wife through work, and he was friends with the husband through work. They introduced us because they each knew us for years and thought we would be great together. The second date, was a fun birthday party. He took me out for breakfast alone afterward, and then back to my place. I had sex with him that night. I never do that so early in a relationship. I had and still have a chemistry and physical attraction to him that I've never had with anyone else.

 

We became boyfriend/girlfriend, a committed and monogamous couple. We had sex all the time. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. I was really in love with him. He was a great boyfriend, called when he said he would, took me out on nice dates.

 

The years go by, work transfers for both of us, me being older and afraid to have kids, him being younger and wanting to start a family, we have broken up. I'm the one who ended it. He chose to keep in touch. We stay in touch, because he won't end it. We meet up and have sex or spend weekends at the beach together through the years. I want to tell him then how much I'm in love with him.

 

About 8 years after we first met, in 2016, he contacts me, which isn't unusual. This time, I can tell something is different. I ask him if he's married. I ask him if he has kids. He says yes, he's married, and no, but they're trying.

 

He spent months begging me to meet him again last summer. I tell him no. I have morals. He needs to make his marriage work. I tell him I had my tubes tied because I know I won't be having any babies at my age. I do eventually agree to meet him in my hometown, where we first met. We spend a week together. He doesn't wear his ring. I tell him everything. How much I love him. That I was in love with him. That I always loved him. I tell him that having children is important to him. And that he is still young enough to get a divorce and get remarried if he's not happy, even if it's not to me. I show him photos of our mutual friends' babies, that I don't want him to miss out on that.

 

We agree that we will end our "relationship" or whatever it is now, and we will go our separate ways.

 

A few months later, he contacts me again. I find out through mutual friends, he has a baby, a son, about a year old. I ignore his emails for weeks. Finally, I respond back congratulating him on the baby. He lied to me when we met up, or I would honestly have not met him again if I knew there was a child involved. He doesn't care.

 

I block his fake email. He texts me. We talk on the phone, and I explain to him, no more emails. I tell him that I am worried about him committing suicide.

 

This is where I am at now. More than 10 years after meeting him. I love him enough to want him to make his marriage work, to stay with his wife and child. I want him to have more babies.

 

There has never been a divorce in my family. I was raised and still am a Catholic. Like that means anything after what I've done.

 

In my heart and in my rational mind, I don't want him to seek an affair partner who will blow up his life. I don't want him to kill himself. I'm glad he calls me instead of those alternative options.

 

I've told him I think he has an addiction. I've told him to seek counseling. I know he won't do it. He'll ask me on the phone, "Is this a goodbye call?" like his heart is broken.

 

I think about Robin Williams and Anthony Bourdain, and I genuinely do fear that he will hurt himself if I cut him off completely. I can't bear that thought.

 

I just recently checked my phone log, and see that there were some days he called me 3x in one day. I missed his calls. I never check my phone logs. We haven't seen each other since June 2017. This isn't really even about sex for him any more. It's about the connection to another person on the end of the phone line. That's what he tells me. We live across the country, so it's not like we're making plans to meet up and have sex. He says he's not having sex with his wife. I tell him the baby and toddler years are just notoriously hard for a couple, that he can do this and he can get through this.

 

What do I do? Please don't judge me. I honestly want him to be safe and happy. I can't see him ever divorcing and marrying me, especially now that I know he has a baby. My goal now is to ween him off of me. Can I convince him to get counseling or help, and not go out and find an affair partner for the sexual or emotional release?

 

And no, I'm not sitting at home waiting for his calls or anything like that. I feel I am a normal person. I'm moving to another city in my same state in a month, so right now I'm not dating. When I move, I plan to start dating and meet someone to settle down with. I hired a matchmaker to set me up with someone who is marriage-minded and wants to settle down, who is age appropriate and in the right life stage for a 47-year-old woman.

 

Please give me some advice without judgment. Thank you.

Edited July 20, 2018 by sunny_day

[FMW]

I think there's a good chance he's playing on your love for him, and therefore your fear of harm coming to him. It's highly likely he's emotionally manipulating you. You'll fight believing that because you see him as a good guy who is hurting. But he's messed up and he's going to do messed up things (like play with your emotions).

 

You are not responsible for his happiness or well-being. You do not owe him moral support or counseling. There is no "weening" off, believe me I've tried. And good grief, NO, do not encourage him to seek out another affair partner. Encourage him to deal directly with his wife, get into marriage counseling, and if it just won't work then he'll have to be a grownup and make hard decisions.

 

You caught him in a lie so you know there are likely many more he's told you.You don't really know what his marriage is like. You told him you loved him. He could choose to be with you. But he chooses to stay where he is. He selfishly keeps you hanging on. So you choose you, what's best for you. And believe me, that is not keeping him in your life.

 

But I know from my own experience you're not going to accept that until you're ready. I hope you're ready soon, life is too short to waste it in limbo. I know you think you're moving ahead with your life but if you're honest with yourself you know that having this in your head, in your heart, won't allow you to truly move ahead.

Edited July 20, 2018 by Finding my way

[sunny_day]

I think there's a good chance he's playing on your love for him, and therefore your fear of harm coming to him. It's highly likely he's emotionally manipulating you. You'll fight believing that because you see him as a good guy who is hurting. But he's messed up and he's going to do messed up things (like play with your emotions).

 

You are not responsible for his happiness or well-being. You do not owe him moral support or counseling. There is no "weening" off, believe me I've tried. And good grief, NO, do not encourage him to seek out another affair partner. Encourage him to deal directly with his wife, get into marriage counseling, and if it just won't work then he'll have to be a grownup and make hard decisions.

 

You caught him in a lie so you know there are likely many more he's told you.You don't really know what his marriage is like. You told him you loved him. He could choose to be with you. But he chooses to stay where he is. He selfishly keeps you hanging on. So you choose you, what's best for you. And believe me, that is not keeping him in your life.

 

But I know from my own experience you're not going to accept that until you're ready. I hope you're ready soon, life is too short to waste it in limbo. I know you think you're moving ahead with your life but if you're honest with yourself you know that having this in your head, in your heart, won't allow you to truly move ahead.

 

I do accept everything you say. Let's say he's emotionally manipulating me. For what? We're not meeting up to have sex. I've written him that there will not be a next time. And yes, this time I mean it. I saw a photo of his son. And there is no way I will do anything to jeopardize that little boy's future.

 

Logistically, what do I do?

 

Do I have a phone conversation prepared the next time he calls? If so, what do I tell him? After more than ten years, he doesn't believe that I'm saying goodbye.

 

Anyone have a script out there for me to use when he calls me next?

 

"Larlo, we both know this isn't what is best for your son. We need to say goodbye. I'm hanging up the phone. I'm blocking your number. Don't ever contact me again."

[somanymistakes]

If he DID divorce his wife, would you be willing to be with him, as a part-time dad?

[BTDT2012]

What do I do? Please don't judge me. I honestly want him to be safe and happy. I can't see him ever divorcing and marrying me, especially now that I know he has a baby. My goal now is to ween him off of me. Can I convince him to get counseling or help, and not go out and find an affair partner for the sexual or emotional release?

 

 

Not your circus, not your monkeys. Just cut him off. He had no problem lying to you about being married and having a child. Pray for him. His well being is not your responsibility.

[BaileyB]

Anyone have a script out there for me to use when he call?

 

Quite simply, I would not answer the call. I don’t do emotional manipulation and I don’t do extra marital affairs.

[BaileyB]

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

 

Pray for him. His well being is not your responsibility.

 

Amen to that!

[sunny_day]

If he DID divorce his wife, would you be willing to be with him, as a part-time dad?

 

I'm 47-years-old. Most of my friends have children who are graduating high school this year, and they're empty nesters now with their kids in college.

 

I have one man who lost his wife to breast cancer two years ago, who is in his early 50s. He also now is interested in me. We've known each other for more than 10 years. He has no kids like me, no responsibilities, ready to retire in a few years.

 

I have another man in my life who was divorced about a year ago. His two sons are out of college. He and I are the same age.

 

I edited this to add, I've only been work colleagues and friends with the men I mentioned above. Now that they are single and available, they are calling and looking me up. I am interested.

 

It would take a lot for me to want to be with the man who now has a one-year-old son, for me to take on helping him raise his son. And I don't think he's finished yet having kids.

 

He would have to divorce her and be with me within a year, and I don't think that's going to happen.

 

Sometimes love just isn't enough to keep people together.

Edited July 21, 2018 by sunny_day

[FMW]

Let's say he's emotionally manipulating me. For what? We're not meeting up to have sex. I've written him that there will not be a next time.

 

Logistically, what do I do? "

 

Hard to know what someone else's motivations are. He probably isn't consciously aware of why himself. Maybe he's just unhappy and he's remembering better times with you and holding on to that. And he probably hopes that you WILL change your mind about meeting up with him again.

 

As to what to do? You have to find the words that are right for you and tell him there will be no further contact of any kind. Tell him whatever you feel you should tell him, what you feel compelled to tell him. You have to say what you need to say in order to be able to end it. Be gentle and loving or firm and unemotional, or whatever combination is genuine for you.

[anika99]

Look, this guy is totally manipulating you. Nobody forced him to get married and have a baby. He spent a whole weekend with you and didn't even admit that he already had a son. Why? Because he's a manipulative liar is why. He thought if he told you he had a baby you might get scared off or not want to see him. Since he thinks more of himself and his own feelings than he does about yours or his wife's he decided to just lie to you and his wife to get what he wanted. Perhaps you were flattered that he went to such lengths to see you but there is nothing flattering about being lied to. Lies are manipulative.

 

You are far to invested in his family and marriage. None of his crap is your problem. You say in one breath that you want him to have more babies and in the next you say he may be suicidal. Why on earth would you want this unstable man to bring more innocent children into his messed up life. Then you say you don't want him starting an affair with another woman and wrecking his marriage so it's best he keep talking to you. What? You are not Florence Nightingale. You are not his saviour. Get your nose out of his life and marriage. It's not your business or your problem. He's not going to kill himself if you stop talking to him but if you're so concerned then why don't you tell the people who really need this information and who can actually intervene. Like call up his wife and his parents and tell them what you said here. They will take over and take him off your hands.

[somanymistakes]

I'm 47-years-old. Most of my friends have children who are graduating high school this year, and they're empty nesters now with their kids in college.

 

I have one man who lost his wife to breast cancer two years ago, who is in his early 50s. He also now is interested in me. We've known each other for more than 10 years. He has no kids like me, no responsibilities, ready to retire in a few years.

 

I have another man in my life who was divorced about a year ago. His two sons are out of college. He and I are the same age.

 

I edited this to add, I've only been work colleagues and friends with the men I mentioned above. Now that they are single and available, they are calling and looking me up. I am interested.

 

It would take a lot for me to want to be with the man who now has a one-year-old son, for me to take on helping him raise his son. And I don't think he's finished yet having kids.

 

He would have to divorce her and be with me within a year, and I don't think that's going to happen.

 

Sometimes love just isn't enough to keep people together.

 

'No' is totally fine. I'm partly thinking, if it's definitely no regardless, maybe it would be better to just tell him that... that he needs to move on from you, you are a closed door to him.

 

If he's not satisfied in his current life, then he should consider leaving his wife and looking elsewhere, but not to you. Wish him well, tell him he needs to think about what he really wants, but not with you.

 

Then cut the cord. It does him no good to have friendly contact with you now.

[sunny_day]

Look, this guy is totally manipulating you. Nobody forced him to get married and have a baby. He spent a whole weekend with you and didn't even admit that he already had a son. Why? Because he's a manipulative liar is why. He thought if he told you he had a baby you might get scared off or not want to see him. Since he thinks more of himself and his own feelings than he does about yours or his wife's he decided to just lie to you and his wife to get what he wanted. Perhaps you were flattered that he went to such lengths to see you but there is nothing flattering about being lied to. Lies are manipulative.

 

You are far to invested in his family and marriage. None of his crap is your problem. You say in one breath that you want him to have more babies and in the next you say he may be suicidal. Why on earth would you want this unstable man to bring more innocent children into his messed up life. Then you say you don't want him starting an affair with another woman and wrecking his marriage so it's best he keep talking to you. What? You are not Florence Nightingale. You are not his saviour. Get your nose out of his life and marriage. It's not your business or your problem. He's not going to kill himself if you stop talking to him but if you're so concerned then why don't you tell the people who really need this information and who can actually intervene. Like call up his wife and his parents and tell them what you said here. They will take over and take him off your hands.

 

I don't have my nose in his life. He contacts me by creating fake email accounts.

 

I am not Florence Nightingale. I work in the same field as he does. We have mutual friends and work colleagues.

 

He is in a profession where he will be publicly shamed and humiliated, as well as fired and possibly lose everything if he has an affair. It's that serious. I've seen it happen to other men.

 

I want him to be happy, and I believe that having a family and more kids is what will make him happy. I wasn't able to give him that. I think I'm terrible for him, but I also don't want to see him throw his life away.

 

I took steps by refusing emails and texts. I didn't realize until I checked my phone log recently that he calls me so often, sometimes when I'm not here. And I don't ever call him back.

 

I don't want to just "ghost" him. In the past, I've made up a lie and told him that I was seeing someone else. I've thought of telling him that again. Nothing really seems to work to get him to stop contacting me. And yes, because I love him, I cave in once I hear his voice.

 

That's why I came here to post. To get help. I know I'm not blameless.

[BaileyB]

I don't have my nose in his life. He contacts me by creating fake email accounts.

 

He is in a profession where he will be publicly shamed and humiliated, as well as fired and possibly lose everything if he has an affair. It's that serious. I've seen it happen to other men. I don't want to see him throw his life away.

 

I took steps by refusing emails and texts. I didn't realize until I checked my phone log recently that he calls me so often, sometimes when I'm not here. And I don't ever call him back.

 

I don't want to just "ghost" him. Nothing really seems to work to get him to stop contacting me. And yes, because I love him, I cave in once I hear his voice.

 

You need to ghost him, but you don't because part of you wants to hear from him. If you didn't, you would be more diligent in blocking him. If he is calling you, change your number. If he is creating fake email accounts, don't respond to his emails. If he continues to contact you, file a restraining order. If you really wanted him gone, you could make him go away...

 

And if it's really that serious that he could lose everything - his job, his family - he should have more sense than to continue chasing you.

[Citrus Princess]

I’m a lurker but this situation compelled me to come forward and share an experience that I witnessed in the hopes of maybe helping.

 

There was a guy I worked with and became friends with (later, at another job, I was his best friend’s boss) who entered into relationships at roughly the same time with person A, a divorced woman with kids who was a decade-and-a-half his senior, and person B, a peer who was engaged to her high school sweetheart. This guy was sweet, kind, giving, but he also suffered from crippling depression and anxiety issues as well as abandonment issues (without speculating, I don’t know the Dad that abandoned him as a baby helped this issue).

 

Person A had no intention of ever settling down with him, but “better him than alone” so she was with him 2 or 3!years during which he made clear he’d like to settle down with her. She said no, they’d break up, then they’d get back together. She had no clue about person B, a friend of hers, and his relationship with her. However at the same time he also made clear to person B, who knew about person A, he wanted to settle down with her too. She wasn’t interested. Despite this, they also would break up and get back together. With both, he’d threaten to kill himself, hurt himself, can’t live without them, beg, cry, plead, and make steps to attempt self harm or other means of self-destruction.

 

This went on for years. Person A and he yo-yoed for the entire time, person B got pregnant with a child of uncertain origins, presented it to her fiancé as his, married him, but also maintained an affair with him the entire time as well, with off and ons. His illness deteriorated further, his actions more extreme, his friend more alarmed, and it was a mess.

 

Finally, person A found a greener pasture, and she dumped cruelly and ghosted him while pursuing this new relationship. When he tried to reconnect, it was a mess. Her new unhealthy relationship partner was abusive to him verbally and encouraged his self harm, as did she. He spiraled. He turned more to person B than he ever did, and after another year of vicious back-and-forth where he threatened to test the parentage of her child, (while intermittently reaching out to person A, sometimes she gave kibbles, sometimes not) person B dumped him and ghosted him, though did numerous passive aggressive, clearly about him posts on FB. Somewhere in that year, not sure when, her husband found out and they tried to fix it, but she didn’t dump him for real until looooong after DDay.

 

He reached out to person A and B saying he was going to kill himself for real. He couldn’t take it. His life was a mess (by then it certainly was) and he had nothing to live for if he didn’t have them. Person B didn’t reply, person A told him she didn’t care.

 

He jumped off a bridge last winter, he didn’t survive.

 

Now, while the problem he was in certainly contributed I’m sure, the reason he was in that situation to begin with was due to issues that had nothing to do with either person A or B. He was dealing with crippling depression, found the false validation in having two women supposedly in to him, and it pacified these underlying problems for a time... Until it didn’t. Then it made them worse. He relied on emotional entrapment by threatening to kill himself, I’m sure not because he was manipulating them, but because he was desperate and lost. He was genuinely struggling and didn’t know how to ask for help, and the actions he took were as nonsensical and poorly thought out as one could expect from somebody who had his issues with depression, abandonment issues, and the mess that comes with. He had demons. They needed feeding. This is how he did it, and while it was destructive, I’m sure it wasn’t intentionally so. He just didn’t know what else to do.

 

In the time that’s passed since then, person B’s life is devastated. She has separated from her husband. She’s lost her child, job, home, and mental health. She feels immense guilt because she knew he was capable of doing what he did, but tried to fix it herself. When she couldn’t, she reacted as she did and feels responsible for what happened. She says she sees now she should have gotten him help because she knew he was capable, but she’s not at all equipped to help. She said if it had been cancer or a broken arm or anything else more tangible than depression, she’d have taken him to a doctor for help because she’s not at all qualified to treat these things. She doesn’t know why she felt differently for something like his mental health issues. She accepts it was his choice to kill himself, but faults herself brutally for not getting him help, which is what she thinks her role should have been. Especially since secrecy to protect her life was a reason to not do it, but she ended up losing everything anyway. She is really struggling.

 

Person A and her greener pasture are the other end of the spectrum. His choice, his fault, people break up and don’t kill them selves every day. He was troubled. He was broken. She never knew about his relationship with her friend, person B, until just before he died. She hates them both and cheaters reap what the sow.

 

That said, she’s trying to figure out why her life is in shambles now too. Since everything has come out, she has been ostracized by all of her friends, coworkers, and shut out socially. Her and her greener pasture’s sociopathic response to his death and her complete denial of having regret for not getting him help horrified the whole community. She doesn’t know why the police wanted to talk to her, her greener pasture didn’t allow it without a court order. They were targeting her. When she lost joint custody of her kids in large part to this, the judge picked on her and her evil ex was to blame. Out of curiosity I checked her FB, it’s a post bemoaning how nobody wants to come to her wedding with greener pasture because this guy who killed himself ruined her reputation.

 

Person B had no clue person A or her greener pasture were saying to this guy what they said, and when it came out in the media, she was destroyed.

 

In all of this mess, since you find yourself in a similarly awful position, I just wanted to say what I’ve learned watching this play out in bits and pieces as it happened and then learning the whole thing after (plus, I’ve dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts and actions as well... I am bipolar and treated now, but I remember the storm all too well):

 

I know how hard and how awful it is to have somebody say they will kill themselves because of something you do or don’t do. I hear and understand how that instantly puts you in an unwinable situation. I hear and understand your fear, your concerns, even concerns of the negative, like intentional emotional manipulation.

 

I want you to know that, no matter what he says, you likely aren’t the cause of it. The situation may be fueling it, but the fact that he is in the situation he is in is due to whatever illness (diagnosed or otherwise) he is dealing with. People who aren’t struggling do not reach for life rafts with people from their past in this sort of way.

 

I know and hear your fears of loss, regret, and love lost. I am sorry his situation is stirring up turmoil for you. I know how hard it must be to process and cope with. Having people use you as an emotional support or crutch is exhausting and confusing in its own right, but in a situation like this where it feels like it is a breech or boundaries, it makes it harder. Please, seek help and support for yourself. Do not face any of it alone. Get advice, don’t be afraid to take meds if you need them, and take care of yourself.

 

If you truly believe in your heart he could hurt himself, get him help. Get him numbers. Contact authorities. Do what you need to do to feel you’ve done what you can to keep him safe. Will he hate you? Yes. I hated the person who did this to me for years. Maybe one day he will come around and thank you for it, like I did to the person who did it to me. Maybe not. But an ex lover who hates you and is alive is way better than an ex lover who loves you and had left a child without a father.

 

And remember, what you see of him is all you know. There is another person involved here, he experiences both of them. If the other person is a person A, who’s telling him to just do it and be done with it, or a person B who cares but not enough to get him help or not yank his chain, or some other type of person (like one who has no idea he’s struggling like he is), act with care. You genuinely don’t know what all is going on, so act in a way that treats you both with dignity as you try and disentangle yourself.

 

Can you save him? No, you can’t. You might be able to send him in the path or to the people that can, but you, personally, cannot save him any more than you can cure cancer. Dont expect you can or try to, you will only hurt you both.

[burnt]

The years go by, work transfers for both of us, me being older and afraid to have kids, him being younger and wanting to start a family, we have broken up. I'm the one who ended it. He chose to keep in touch.

 

Sunny_day, can you elaborate a bit more on this?

You said, you ended it; all those years ago, when you told him you didn't want to have children, what did he say to that? Did he say he'd deal with it and still want to be with you or did he continue to insist that you change your mind about that to be with him?

 

Majority of the MMs are notorious for loving a woman, marrying her and then when things get mundane and dormant in the bedroom (usually after children) they seek out thrill outside the bedroom but all along want to keep the marriage going as well.

 

Your "MM"--the sense I'm getting is that--was in love with you and forced himself to marry another woman after chasing and pursuing you for many years, but still haven't been able to let go of you.

 

Time to truly care about each other ended when the relationship ended between the two of you years ago.

It sounds like since then he has been forcing himself to 'love' his wife and 'love' his family all the while still wanting to be with you.

It was your choice to let him go, so let him go; from the sound of your post it sounds as if you are very much emotionally prepared to move on and build a life with someone else down the road. So, let him go and cut all contact.

 

You want to 'save' him, but by responding each time, you are delaying that healing process for him.

 

Send one last email saying all you want to say and then block him on every avenue of contact so that he knows it's a permanent goodbye with absolutely no hope of reestablishing contact again.

 

Let him move on. For his sake; for his wife's sake; for his child's sake.

[sunny_day]

You need to ghost him, but you don't because part of you wants to hear from him. If you didn't, you would be more diligent in blocking him. If he is calling you, change your number. If he is creating fake email accounts, don't respond to his emails. If he continues to contact you, file a restraining order. If you really wanted him gone, you could make him go away...

 

And if it's really that serious that he could lose everything - his job, his family - he should have more sense than to continue chasing you.

 

I will not betray his trust.

 

I will not file a restraining order against him.

 

I have changed my number, and he was easily able to contact me.

 

I like knowing that he is alive, safe, not in harm's way, and that he's moving on with his life.

 

And when I read comments on this thread to the OW, such as "tell his wife," "get a restraining order," this is what he will face from either his wife or some other woman besides me, when the relationship ends.

 

I don't believe his marriage is going to work at this point, except maybe long enough for both of them to have and raise kids together.

 

The more I write it out here, the more this is helping me, just to see how harmful this has all become.

 

And I need to be at peace with myself, that if he does decide to do something stupid, it's not my responsibility. It's not my fault.

 

I've told him in the past that I have something prepared to say to him, but when he calls me, I just don't say it. I need to write out the numbers of counselors or some place he can go to talk to someone, a marriage retreat or something. He is correct to be concerned that he doesn't necessarily want to reveal too much information even to a counselor.

[sunny_day]

Sunny_day, can you elaborate a bit more on this?

You said, you ended it; all those years ago, when you told him you didn't want to have children, what did he say to that? Did he say he'd deal with it and still want to be with you or did he continue to insist that you change your mind about that to be with him?

 

Majority of the MMs are notorious for loving a woman, marrying her and then when things get mundane and dormant in the bedroom (usually after children) they seek out thrill outside the bedroom but all along want to keep the marriage going as well.

 

Your "MM"--the sense I'm getting is that--was in love with you and forced himself to marry another woman after chasing and pursuing you for many years, but still haven't been able to let go of you.

 

Time to truly care about each other ended when the relationship ended between the two of you years ago.

It sounds like since then he has been forcing himself to 'love' his wife and 'love' his family all the while still wanting to be with you.

It was your choice to let him go, so let him go; from the sound of your post it sounds as if you are very much emotionally prepared to move on and build a life with someone else down the road. So, let him go and cut all contact.

 

You want to 'save' him, but by responding each time, you are delaying that healing process for him.

 

Send one last email saying all you want to say and then block him on every avenue of contact so that he knows it's a permanent goodbye with absolutely no hope of reestablishing contact again.

 

Let him move on. For his sake; for his wife's sake; for his child's sake.

 

Thank you, yes, this is what I intend to do. I have to do this. I will not talk to him again.

 

He's never threatened to hurt himself, actually. That's just me looking at the statistics of men who kill themselves when they're in a mid-life crisis.

 

Just writing here and getting the responses is giving me more strength and more clarity, that this is not acceptable and not okay.

 

Not answering the call or blocking his number will be for the best.

[sunny_day]

As far as me ready to move on, I live in Florida, USA, in a retirement beach town. I'm moving to Miami for work next month. I will be around a younger population again.

 

I know there are some cities where women in their 40s have babies and push baby strollers around.

 

It's just that, I've been living here where there are so many people happily retired in their 50s, 60s, 70s, and beyond.

 

Their kids and their grandkids aren't living with them. Most of them spend their time golfing, fishing, boating, and other recreational activities that retired people do.

 

There are many older women living out their years alone.

 

I think women should marry younger men, so they spend more of their golden years with their spouses instead of alone.

[BaileyB]

I will not betray his trust.

 

I will not file a restraining order against him.

 

I have changed my number, and he was easily able to contact me.

 

I like knowing that he is alive, safe, not in harm's way, and that he's moving on with his life.

 

And when I read comments on this thread to the OW, such as "tell his wife," "get a restraining order," this is what he will face from either his wife or some other woman besides me, when the relationship ends.

 

I don't believe his marriage is going to work at this point, except maybe long enough for both of them to have and raise kids together.

 

The more I write it out here, the more this is helping me, just to see how harmful this has all become.

 

And I need to be at peace with myself, that if he does decide to do something stupid, it's not my responsibility. It's not my fault.

 

I've told him in the past that I have something prepared to say to him, but when he calls me, I just don't say it. I need to write out the numbers of counselors or some place he can go to talk to someone, a marriage retreat or something. He is correct to be concerned that he doesn't necessarily want to reveal too much information even to a counselor.

 

With all due respect, you just proved my point.

 

There is a part of you that doesn't want to lose contact with this man. Are your sure you are not waiting for him, thinking that his marriage will fail and you want to be in contact with him when he does...

 

Let him go. Let him be with his wife - whether the relationship succeeds or fails, it will be between them. If he needs a counsellor, he can find one. And, just because men in mid-life sometimes commit suicide, does not mean that he will harm himself. For all you know, he will find another woman and have another extramarital affair. You would be wise to focus on your own life and let him move on...

Edited July 22, 2018 by BaileyB

[sunny_day]

With all due respect, you just proved my point.

 

There is a part of you that doesn't want to lose contact with this man. Are your sure you are not waiting for him, thinking that his marriage will fail and you want to be in contact with him when he does...

 

Let him go. Let him be with his wife - whether the relationship succeeds or fails, it will be between them. If he needs a counsellor, he can find one. And, just because men in mid-life sometimes commit suicide, does not mean that he will harm himself. For all you know, he will find another woman and have another extramarital affair. You would be wise to focus on your own life and let him move on...

 

 

I'm not sure what point you're trying to prove.

 

 

If I'm honest with myself, I would have liked to have seen the relationship with him succeed with me. I'm mostly to blame for why it didn't.

 

 

 

It didn't bring me any happiness and I wasn't flattered at all to see that his marriage wasn't working out. And if he's cheating either with me or someone else, the marriage isn't working.

 

 

 

I also had to come to terms with the fact that he is a cheater, that he became a cheater, the kind of man who would cheat on his wife.

 

 

 

I would have preferred to see a man with whom I shared a valuable relationship with, become successful in life, to be happily married with a family, or to become a happily divorced single man or single dad. Do I want to see him become a cheating louse? Absolutely not.

 

 

What woman wants to go from being the primary relationship to being the OW and just a sidepiece? Not me.

[CloudyHead]

Something seems off here. I think you don't want to let him go. Why do you tell him that you love him but he needs to stay in his marriage? It seems that he has moved on with his life (marriage, wife, child) but you have not moved on with your life. Also, he has not said anything about him harming himself - you think he will based on statistics of middle age men having a midlife crisis? You feel that if you cut off communication with him that he will harm himself even though he has never said he would do so? It does not make sense. What does make sense, in my opinion, is that you have feelings for him and cannot move on with your life.

[sunny_day]

Something seems off here. I think you don't want to let him go. Why do you tell him that you love him but he needs to stay in his marriage? It seems that he has moved on with his life (marriage, wife, child) but you have not moved on with your life. Also, he has not said anything about him harming himself - you think he will based on statistics of middle age men having a midlife crisis? You feel that if you cut off communication with him that he will harm himself even though he has never said he would do so? It does not make sense. What does make sense, in my opinion, is that you have feelings for him and cannot move on with your life.

 

 

 

 

What doesn't make sense to you?

 

 

 

He creates a fake email account, and he will contact me via email. I will ignore his emails, but I do read them. I will ignore them for weeks, until I read one where he writes, "I can't believe you're really ignoring me." And then I reply back. I reply back, "Work on your marriage."

 

 

 

I have moved on with my life.

 

 

 

Moving on with your life, doesn't necessarily mean getting married and having a baby. He got married and had a baby, and he is the one who still contacts me!

 

 

 

I don't like the responses that I got from here when I posted, because I think they're nuclear options, such as "tell the wife," "tell his parents" (our parents are deceased), "get a restraining order" "block him" "ghost him." I've also lied and told him I was seeing someone else.

 

 

 

If you had someone in your life, who you really genuinely liked as a person, and you didn't want to see this person destroy his life but you know he needs to stop contacting you, without going nuclear, what would you do or say, that would lead to the best outcome, of no hurt feelings, wishing each other well, and just moving on in different directions?

 

 

 

The last time we saw each other, that is what we both agreed to. I kept that agreement. He did not. It's my fault. He doesn't believe me any more that I really want him to stop contacting me.

 

 

 

The truth is, I really do want him to stop contacting me. I wouldn't have posted here asking for help if I didn't mean it. Thank you for reading.

 

 

The first time he and I had to separate, I told him, "I'm really going to miss you." And he just smiled and asked, "Are you sure about that?" Within 5 days of him leaving me, I heard from him, when I didn't think I would ever hear from him again. That was more than 10 years ago. It's a pattern that was established with us, that I now need to break.

[CloudyHead]

Sometimes ending relationships causes hurt feelings. And, that is okay. I do not know why you are so concerned about his feelings at this point in your life. You cannot be friends. You cannot have a romantic relationship. There are relationships in life that run their course and they end. You change, the other person changes, you have different goals, values, interests, etc. I do not understand why ending a relationship with him is so difficult for you. You posted that he is living the life that he wants to live. So let him go. If he e-mails you, delete the e-mails. If he texts you, delete the texts. If he calls you, do not answer his calls.

[FMW]

Unfortunately NC is the only thing that is going to put an end to this. If you consider that a nuclear option that you're not willing to consider then honestly I don't think there's anything anyone can say to help. What you're doing obviously isn't working, there's no way to talk your way to an end because he won't accept it.

 

I think you probably do get something out of holding on to the connection, it fills some need you have, maybe to be needed and feel significant. We all have those needs - we just have to be aware of how we're going about filling them.

[sunny_day]

He called me again last night around 9:30 p.m. my time, and 6:30 p.m. his time. He's probably out of town again on a work trip. He texted me after he called that he just called me.

 

 

 

I'm not responding to him.

 

 

Being able to post here has helped me gain some clarity on this situation, and how I don't owe him an explanation. I've given him my explanation. The explanation is simple. He is a married man. He is not single or emotionally available.

 

 

 

Thank you for reading and being supportive while I continue to find strength. I crossed myself and said my prayers last night before I fell asleep. I've never shed a tear over him in all these years, except last June when we agreed to go our separate ways. For me at least, writing it out helps, and praying helps. Your support is helpful.