xMM contacted me..noooooooo

[kxpxsc3]

I'd like to start by saying thank you to anyone who reads or provides feedback. I know being involved with someone's husband is not right, but I'm where I am and I can only go forward from here.

 

I've was involved with a married man from work for the past year. He lives in another country but came to mine frequently for work, and this is how things got started. Soon after we started things his wife found some emails between us.

 

You may probably guess what happened next... he was 100% pro saving his marriage for a couple of weeks, until he came crawling back to me once things calmed down. He is from a different country than where he currently lives, and said he is afraid his wife would take their 2 kids and go back, since they do not have any family in the country where they have been living for 10 years, and he is the bread winner. (I made it a point to tell him she can't legally do that, but he says he does not want to put his kids through a custody battle).

 

I so foolishly ran back into his arms. We quickly grew even more emotionally involved and frequently took "work" trips to see each other (we have flexibility to work remote at our company). The conversation moved towards a potential future for us, but there was always a deadline that him and his wife were going to 'figure things out' by - ie. work on the marriage or separate. He said he didn't want to make any first moves in fear that if it would not be a mutual decision, she would take the kids and go.

 

Of course he told me many of the same things that I see in other stories here - that he is in a sexless 'operational for the kids marriage', that him and wife are like roommates raising kids together. I don't know if that's true or not but at this point it doesn't really matter.

 

The last of his 'deadlines' was in December 2017 when him and his family went back to their country for the holidays. The deadline was to have things figured out by the time the kids get out of school for the summer. Well the deadline is almost there and I have been stupidly waiting and hoping that he, or they, would finally decide what to do.

 

3 days ago I had a serious conversation with him, in which he informed me that, while they are not working on the marriage but keeping things together for the kids, it may not be figured out by the time they end school, and he really doesn't know when it will be figured out. On top of that, he said that him and his wife "don't have the guts" to separate because of the kids.

 

That was the end of it for me. I didn't even beg or plead or say more. I realized right then and there that there is never going to be a deadline, he will never leave. I told him I don't want to stay in contact. He said I deserve better and he's available if I ever want to talk.

 

I know there is no future with him, and I plan to stay 100% NC even if it kills me. Right now it feels like it's killing me and the tears won't stop. I'm sad about losing the person I love, angry that he strung me along for as long as possible without any intentions of ever having a R, and most of all ANGRY at myself, at how incredibly foolish I was to believe I could have had a future with this man.

 

I do miss him but I regret so much getting involved with him and now feeling this way. I feel guilty that his wife does not know we continued to see each other, although do not plan to contact her. I feel it's best to just move on, but IT HURTS SO MUCH.

 

Can anyone offer words of hope?

[d0nnivain]

Now that you have gotten something out of your life that wasn't working, you have made room for a new relationship that will be more fulfilling. You still have some grieving to do & some soul searching but you are on the right track!

[Origin]

Its hard, very hard, but over time it does get easier. It took me a little over 1-year to be OK with things. I wouldn't say completely over things but just at some peace, but of course you will still have your moments. The way he "ended" it, it sounds he will reach out to you in hopes of continuing the affair.

 

 

It sucks but the truth is if they don't leave the partner right away, they will never leave. As you said it yourself (and many many many more on this forum) there will always be an excuse on why they cant.

[DKT3]

Your mind controls your emotions, not the other way around. Positive thoughts result in positive outcomes.

 

The pain is temporary and will only last as long as you allow yourself to be trapped in this spot.

[Origin]

Oh and also, stay away. I know its easier said then done but they don't change. It anything you're prolonging your pain and making it bigger by falling for new promises. Simple as that.

[kxpxsc3]

Thank you for your reply. It's nice when there is someone who understands. It's very difficult and the only thing getting me through the situation is to remind myself: Liar, Cheater, Manipulator, and Coward.

 

This may not be the best way, but it's the only way I am able to cope now. Otherwise, i can't eat or sleep, I feel sick to my stomach. Last week it just all clicked into place, that things were never going to change and I've been foolish to allow myself to strung along. There was nothing to "figure out" because they likely already chose to stay together after she found out - meanwhile his wife is under the impression he ended things with me, but he was still keeping me there for all the fringe benefits under the impression there would come a time he would decide.

 

It was nothing but a pipe dream.

[kxpxsc3]

Hi All, I posted a couple of days ago about ending it with my MM. I told him I don't want to keep in touch, as it would be too hard and I just want to move on. Well, one week into NC and he sent me a message at on our work chat.

 

"Hi :)"

 

I know he is probably fishing to see if I want to continue the A. I want to respond saying "I don't see a effing reason to be smiling!!!"

 

I did not respond and ended the chat, but now I feel a sense of guilt - I know this is irrational, but I don't want to seem like a bitch by being stone cold. Please someone kick some sense into me!! All the tears I cried over this man. All the broken hopes and dreams of having a future with him. All the time wasted that I can't get back....

 

Please someone come cut my hand off so that I don't respond!

[BaileyB]

Why have you not blocked him?

 

Just because he sent you a text does not mean you need to respond. It cost him nothing to send you the text - 10 seconds away from his marriage. Don’t think it’s any kind of grande gesture... he’s just pulling your strings - don’t give him the satisfaction of a response. Your silence will speak volumes.

[stillafool]

I'm wondering why he wasn't blocked as well. How could you plan a future with a man who is married to someone else?

[kxpxsc3]

I have blocked him on all social media and phone. We work for the same company and the message was sent via our company chat system. I haven't found a way to block someone on this system but will keep looking. Luckily we are not in the same location, so bumping into him is not an issue.

 

I've had time to think of it, and I realize it was very selfish of him to message me that. If he had any respect for my feelings, he would leave me alone to move on. Then again, I AM talking about a liar and a cheater here...

 

Writing here has helped me put my thoughts together. It's still quite fresh but thank you for your words.

[FMW]

Unfortunately you probably can't block him on your company network. So you'll just have to ignore him. Hopefully he won't persist.

 

These things aren't rational or logical. I completely understand the guilt thing, crazy as it is. So don't beat yourself up about it, just stick to your decision to end it. Keep reminding yourself why your decision is the right one and why you do not owe him anything, including a response.

 

It's really hard and will take time. But have faith in yourself and that things will be better!

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree that if he cared about you at all, he'd respect your request and leave you alone. As many point out on this forum, it's much easier to keep an affair partner than get a new one. He's being selfish, as usual.

[isolatedgothic]

He wants to keep you engaged in conversation. He wants to keep you as his side girl. He thinks "hi" is all you need, obviously.

 

If he has made the choice to stay in his marriage, help him keep those vows he made before God and man and do not respond.Not to "hi," not to "I miss you so much," not to "OMG help me, my lying pants just caught fire!"

 

Move forward.

[Bittersweetie]

I recently read this book on affairs and it listed as one of the reasons an AP keeps in touch with xAP because the AP "doesn't want to be rude."

 

I think this is a valid point since people, especially women, feel that being "rude" by ignoring an xAP is bad or wrong. But, as many people here who've been through it can say, there's nothing bad or wrong with ignoring. It's putting your own mental health first.

 

So act rude in this case and own it!

[brokenandhopeless]

Run away fast...and DON'T RESPOND. As somebody who is struggling with NC, I am telling you, getting sucked into it is only going to put you back at square one. Rip the band-aid.