MM Affair with MW Co-Worker

[Buccaneer55]

Here’s my story.

 

Four years ago I started a position with my company that put me at a desk right next to the most physically attractive woman I’ve ever seen in my life. At the time I was 27 and she was 38. Over the course of the four years we’ve become real good friends, who could talk about anything and everything. Two years ago I got married and last year we had our first child.

 

My marriage over the last two years has been extremely hard. From the get go we’ve had a hard time always being on the same page and learning to coexist has not always been easy as well. I’ve felt like I’ve always been verbally abused by my wife and she’s constantly threatened to walk out on our marriage.

 

This past January I was at my end with my marriage and I started to seek out my friend from work. I confided in her about everything and in return learned that her marriage of 20 years has been in shambles for a long time. She had only stayed in it for her daughter but her daughter had just moved out. We started messaging each other on social media and exchanged phone numbers. We talked all day through messaging at work and I was on an emotional high. We started meeting up in conference rooms at the end of the day to make out and touch each other.

 

One night me and my wife got into an argument and she said I needed to leave for the night, just kicked me out of the house. I messaged the OW and asked her if she wanted to do something crazy. She said yes so I booked us a hotel for the evening. Her husband is a truck driver and by choice chooses to drive overnight and leaves her home alone. So we met up at the hotel and had amazing passionate sex three times that night.

 

She started telling me things like she knew she was falling in love with me and all I had to do was say the words and she’d walk out on her marriage so we could be together. That in 42 years of her life she had never felt this way about anybody. I was very conflicted because while yes I was crazy about her, I didn’t want to leave my 8 month old child. I was torn between someone I loved and losing out on being a part of my child’s everyday life.

 

We continued to talk and the sex got hotter. We started taking long lunch breaks together and even found a place where we could have sex in her car during them with no chance of getting caught. My wife’s family lives 3 hours away and she goes and visits them sometimes without me because of our different work schedules. When she was gone the OW would come over late at night and we’d share long passionate nights together. I couldn’t go more than 10 minutes without thinking about her.

 

All of a sudden my wife’s attitude changed. She started being nicer and started to invest more into our marriage. My conscience started to eat at me at this point. Even though my wife was being nicer, I couldn’t have been any more emotionally detached from her. The OW had all of me. However, one night when she came over I panicked. I started to really think about my child and what I was doing and I told her I thought we needed to end it, and she was devastated.

 

We went almost two weeks before I broke and I went to see her at the office. I told her I missed her and I didn’t like being apart from her. I was dying on the inside because I knew that I had fallen in love with her but I didn’t tell her that. A week after we started talking again my wife confronted me at home and started asking questions. Originally I denied the allegations but after she continued to press and press I finally caved and admitted to everything. I completely expected to lose my marriage. The next day my wife told me she had no intentions of leaving and that she truly loved me and wanted us to work through things. She reached out to the OW and told her that if she contacted me she would out everything to her husband.

 

The following two weeks there was 0 contact and it was killing me. I was thankful for a second chance at my marriage but at the same time ALL I can think about is the OW. I wrote her a letter and let her read it. I spilled out all my feelings for her and that yes I am in love with her. She was in shock.

 

We talked about some things and I asked her about some new guy on her social media and she said yes she had been secretly messaging him those two weeks! I was crushed. Everything I thought about her was in doubt, and she swore he was just a friend who was married as well, but in my mind even if that’s true why would you even entertain that idea if you had just received a threat from someone else’s wife that they’d out you to your husband? All of a sudden I’m questioning everything she’s ever said to me and wondering if it’s really because she’s hurt and mad or if this is who she really is and maybe I wasn’t the first?

 

So that gets me to my current dilemma. Deep down I still love her and can’t stop thinking about her. I’m always checking her social media, and trying to run into her at work. I know if it continues I’m going to lose my marriage. Idk how to get the love for my wife back that we once had. She just feels like a roommate to me where as the OW feels like everything that you ever look for barring the recent discovery of the messages with the other married man. Idk if I should pursue this at the risk of my marriage still or completely turn around and run no matter how much it hurts and is going to hurt for a long time. I’m meeting up with a counselor as well to discuss everything as I know I’m all over the place and could probably use some professional help.

 

Idk how to work on my marriage and not think about the OW and what we’ve shared. In the same regards when I’m with the OW and the sex is done idk how to not think about my kid and what him growing up in a broken home will do to him. I’m literally torn and have been struggling for months on what to do.

[BaileyB]

You could probably use some professional help, I would think so...

 

As for the other woman, I think you've been had. Sorry.

[skywriter]

Buccaneer55Idk if I should pursue this at the risk of my marriage still or completely turn around and run no matter how much it hurts and is going to hurt for a long time. I’m meeting up with a counselor as well to discuss everything as I know I’m all over the place and could probably use some professional help.

 

You should run away and never look back Buccaneer55.

[JDJ]

I think you should divorce your wife. It sounds like you never really loved her completely, and if you could do this to her so easily, you will continue to hurt her in other ways. Her threatening to leave you and verbally abusing you is also bad. Even if she is "nicer" to you now, while she is trying to hold on to you, that is likely to be only temporary.

 

So I agree with skywriter, you should run away and never look back.

 

Every positive emotion in your post is about the OW. I can't predict any success there either, but if you are divorced you would at least not be as conflicted about it. Or just try to start over with a new relationship entirely.

[BourneWicked]

Thanks for sharing your story. I always like to hear a MM's POV, because many times they're pegged as dogs just looking for sex. And while that is the case in some situations, I don't think that's the case in all.

 

 

Can't really comment on her contacting another MM. It's hard to say... for many women (but not all) when we fall there's only one guy we can "see", everyone else is just background noise. But some women (and people) are looking for attention and don't really care where it's coming from. Many people, when they feel a relationship fall apart, will act out because those feelings are deep and try and "replace" the other person. The fact that she admitted to messaging seemed like she was trying to be honest with you (versus just saying nope, didn't happen). Probably go with your gut on that one.

 

Once kids are in the picture, leaving becomes hard, because an intact family is probably the best for the child, especially since your wife does know the truth. Clearly there's some reason you married your wife. Do you have sex? Does there need to be more of that? Do you get along, complement each other, accept each other? Is there something you guys used to do together that brought you close that you could bring back into your life and make your marriage stronger?

 

Another thing I think is important... for me, there's a reason I'm interested in someone I can't have. My father was out of the picture at age 5, and it turns out 25 years later that wound doesn't heal. While digging up the wound doesn't automatically fix things, it does help you take a step back and recognize the reasons behind some of those actions. So I think figuring out why you're attracted to this person (if there's a deeper reason than just the connection) helps.

 

Things that helped me:

- imagining what really being together would be like (MM in my situation has some bad habits)

- distance and time

- that "not the first" thought. For me it was a first. For him... I'm still not sure. But it makes a difference, doesn't it?

- thinking about my family

- thinking about what I really want, what really makes me happy, outside a naughty little escape fantasy

 

Maybe a new job would help. Only you can figure that out. Hopefully counseling will be beneficial. Thanks for sharing... Take care.

Edited July 7, 2018 by BourneWicked

[knitwit]

OP, a few thoughts regarding your marriage come to mind:

 

1. You haven't been married very long, only 2 years. Many people find the early years the most difficult (most marriages which break up do so early on, within the first 5-10 years).

 

3. You've been involved in some way with the OW for the entire duration of your marriage. Your wife has been up against a comparator the whole time. If your wife had a hot hunk who she was shagging for the past year, she might feel only roommate feelings for you, too.

 

2. Your child is less than a year old. The first year with a child is challenging for most marriages, even stable ones. I wasn't sure my own marriage was going to survive the first year with our son.

 

All three of these lead to me wonder how much of a clear view you have on your marriage. You don't say in your OP if you've been with your wife for a long time prior to marriage. I think WS often don't see that the BS's bad behavior is often in reaction to the distance created in the relationship by the WS's affair.

 

As you weigh out your options, keep in mind that you were already involved in some way with the OW and you don't really know how good or bad it could get, without the influence of a third person. (Of course, if you've been with your wife for ten years before getting married, then you do have an idea, it's just not noted in your posts.)

 

Re your OW- who knows? She is still with her H, yes? So it's not as if she is a single OW who IMO would have every right to start to look for a different relations if the MM didn't leave after a DDay. I think often affairs start when boundaries get blurred and feelings develop- that is what happened with you. But understand that there is another class of people who cheat- they go looking for it. Your OW now sounds like she might be in that class; it is clear that she finds some comfort in getting attention from other men.

[darkmoon]

what happens when the OW loses her looks? can one of you afford plastic surgery?

 

 

 

You are in the fog of an affair, in an idealised secret world, where nobody argues and all is perfected on purpose, which is easy to do part-time, like now.

[anika99]

OP your posting history is all very confusing. Just two years ago you were talking about another old flame you had become involved with romantically and she was also married. On that thread you said you were single and had been divorced for 4yrs. So I'm lost. Is this your 2nd marriage and have you been cheating the entire length of your marriage?

 

One thing I did notice about your history is that you always seem to want the woman who is elusive and just out of reach. You like to pine and chase and obsess. You seem to think that love equals longing, pain and fantasy. Now here you are a father in your second marriage already and a cheater. Based on your history I would say it doesn't matter if you stay with your wife or run to the the OW because which ever one you choose will be the one you end up not wanting because you're more interested in chasing romance and love then actually having those things. If you run away to be with your OW then you will soon tire of her too. I would say your biggest problem is you and that any woman who is truly committed to you will be hurt. You are not good relationship material and it seems that until that changes any relationship you have will be a disaster.

[knitwit]

For some reason, only 1/2 my post was published. Here is the rest.

 

I know several happy marriages which started from affairs, two are in my family. Sometimes they truly do work out! I think the critical factor to determine is whether or not the AP brings true emotional support and can be a "value add" to life, or is instead more like a drug, a human heroin which feels oh-so-good in the moment but will lead to neglect of all the true supports in life.

 

Also, how bad is the marriage that you are considering leaving? Is it so bad that you will be OK with seeing another man have your wife by his side, in his car, in his house, in his bed? Is it so bad that you will feel more relief from your freedom than pain from losing 50% of your time with your child? What about the pain (if any) from the seeing the same man with your wife also being the one to raise your child 50% of the time? Sometimes the answer is Yes, there is more relief, I can be a better dad, a happier person, on my own.

 

These are important and weighty decisions. It sounds like you've made at least a half-hearted decision to try to save your marriage; if this is the case, you have to do the actions required to really try.

 

Right now, you are like an alcoholic who works in a bar and spends his off time wistfully staring at the vodka ads. Soon he comes to the decision that sobriety isn't really working for him and he's back to drinking until the next wave of painful consequences hit. If he wants to actually get sober he needs to turn away from the drinking life, not stare at it from the outside looking in. He needs to put his attention on his new life, building something new.

 

You need to get a new job away from her and go a true NC, no more social media stalking. If you want to save your marriage, put your focus there. Since you have a young child, I think that is your best move for now. It is going to take time to recover from an affair for both you and your wife. You can divorce at any time, but you only have a limited window to save your marriage and keep your family together. I think you will regret it if you don't try as best you can to do this, even if it doesn't work out.

[knitwit]

Interesting. After reading this post, I looked back as well.

 

OP, did you marry your MW from two years ago?

 

 

OP your posting history is all very confusing. Just two years ago you were talking about another old flame you had become involved with romantically and she was also married. On that thread you said you were single and had been divorced for 4yrs. So I'm lost. Is this your 2nd marriage and have you been cheating the entire length of your marriage?

 

One thing I did notice about your history is that you always seem to want the woman who is elusive and just out of reach. You like to pine and chase and obsess. You seem to think that love equals longing, pain and fantasy. Now here you are a father in your second marriage already and a cheater. Based on your history I would say it doesn't matter if you stay with your wife or run to the the OW because which ever one you choose will be the one you end up not wanting because you're more interested in chasing romance and love then actually having those things. If you run away to be with your OW then you will soon tire of her too. I would say your biggest problem is you and that any woman who is truly committed to you will be hurt. You are not good relationship material and it seems that until that changes any relationship you have will be a disaster.

[Buccaneer55]

I knew someone might notice this. So to make this as short as possible. I met my wife 8 years ago when I was 23 and we got married 6 years ago when I was 25. 3 years ago we got divorced I was 28.I tried to move on. I found an old flame from my high school days who I thought was divorced but was actually at the time only separated. I ended that relationship which is why my posts stop. About two months after I ended that, my ex-wife reached out to me, and we decided that we wanted to try again and thought maybe we had made a big mistake because we were young and should of worked on the marriage. We ended up getting remarried 25 months ago when I was 29.

 

The remarriage started good but after about 4-5 months both of us were falling back into the same patterns and routines that made us leave the first time. She got pregnant right during this time and we had our first child last year. Even after our child was born nothing has gotten better between us. We’re on the same page as far as our child and raising it, but our own relationship is non-existent.

 

The last four years I’ve known the OW but we had always only been friends. This past January things started to change but the affair didn’t begin until March, and Dday was a couple weeks ago.

 

So that’s the complex history of the last 8 years of my love life from 23 to now 31.

 

OP your posting history is all very confusing. Just two years ago you were talking about another old flame you had become involved with romantically and she was also married. On that thread you said you were single and had been divorced for 4yrs. So I'm lost. Is this your 2nd marriage and have you been cheating the entire length of your marriage?

 

One thing I did notice about your history is that you always seem to want the woman who is elusive and just out of reach. You like to pine and chase and obsess. You seem to think that love equals longing, pain and fantasy. Now here you are a father in your second marriage already and a cheater. Based on your history I would say it doesn't matter if you stay with your wife or run to the the OW because which ever one you choose will be the one you end up not wanting because you're more interested in chasing romance and love then actually having those things. If you run away to be with your OW then you will soon tire of her too. I would say your biggest problem is you and that any woman who is truly committed to you will be hurt. You are not good relationship material and it seems that until that changes any relationship you have will be a disaster.

Edited July 7, 2018 by Buccaneer55

[BaileyB]

Well, it sounds like you made the classic mistake of thinking that things would be different the second go around... only to remember all the reasons why you divorced and made her your ex-wife.

 

Now, it seems that you are making the classic mistake of thinking that the OW is somehow going to change her ways and devote herself to you, to live faithfully ever after. That’s unlikely to happen.

 

I would suggest that perhaps, it’s time to spend some time alone and find your own way for a little while... rather than being entangled with a these women. You’ve made some poor decisions and your picker is definitely off! It’s time for a reset to think about what you want for your life and how to build healthy, happy relationships with your child and eventually, a new relationship.

[fredflint]

Try to make your marriage work. Your wife still loves you. You are REALLY LUCKY. How is this not the obvious choice? You'll be devastated with what you are left with if your marriage breaks up. Think hard about what your life will be like sharing custody. You'll lose at least half of your kids early years.

 

Once you come to that conclusion (that trying on your marriage is the obvious best choice) then the logical next step is that you have to break the addiction and get your AP our of your head. The way to do that is to block her completely across the board and commit to never again with her. Make that decision, and put your heart into trying to love your wife again. If you chase two rabbits you will lose both. If you work on your marriage, you can probably find love again with her.

Edited July 7, 2018 by fredflint

[BaileyB]

If her sister is a police officer, I would hope that she would have encouraged her to go to the police after he beat her and threatened her children?

[burnt]

To everyone reading this: it's a really good idea to read OP's backstory (all his original threads) to get the whole story, to meaningfully understand what's going on here.

 

To OP:

In the strongest terms possible, may I suggest that you please go back and re-read everything you had written about your wife going back to 2010 in this site. Please re-read all the suggestions other posters made to you over and over again about how much of a bad news she was all along and how so many people urged you to ditch her and move on.

 

People gave you good suggestions 8 years ago; you didn't listen. Every red flag about your now-wife (then girlfriend) you ignored. She used you, emotionally abused you, strung you along, played you for a fool and treated you like a dummy and you ate all that up every time. You ignored every good advice and then despite it all, married her. Then got divorced. Then got involved with other women in your life. Then got remarried to the same dysfunctional emotionally abusive woman again. Now brought a child into the world with this woman. Then carried out a four year affair with someone who was willing to give it all up to be with you for life, but you ditched her to be with your dysfunctional marriage. Oh for heaven's sake, you are treating this OW who has been in love with you and has been willing to walk away from everything for you and you have been treating her like a yo-yo toy.

 

Are you willing to listen to any advice given to you in this forum?

What advice are you asking for?

 

Since your first post in 2010, everything you write about your wife seems to show the same pattern: she likes to string you along, ignore you, hurt you, and then the moment you try to move on, she woos you back to her to keep you at her feet. Have you counted how many times she has done the same thing?

 

So, here's my suggestion:

I don't think you would ever leave you wife, no matter what she does. She loves to drag you along like a pet and for some reason you comply.

 

But please don't get other women involved in the process. It is truly heartless and pitiful of a man to get another woman involved who is willing to give it all up, when in reality he is NEVER going to leave his wife no matter what she does.

 

You and your wife are made to be together for life. Please stay with her and don't get other people involved in your life.

Your wife likes to play games with you, but please don't play games with other women's hearts.

 

Leave the OW alone; let her heal. Don't contact her. She has suffered enough.

 

Stay with your wife.

Edited July 7, 2018 by burnt

[Buccaneer55]

The post that started in 2010 we’re not about my wife. They were about the girl I dated in college. I met my wife after I finally went full NC on her. They are not the same person.

 

Again I’ve been in a 4 month affair, not a 4 year affair.

 

Thanks for the advice though.

 

 

 

To everyone reading this: it's a really good idea to read OP's backstory (all his original threads) to get the whole story, to meaningfully understand what's going on here.

 

To OP:

In the strongest terms possible, may I suggest that you please go back and re-read everything you had written about your wife going back to 2010 in this site. Please re-read all the suggestions other posters made to you over and over again about how much of a bad news she was all along and how so many people urged you to ditch her and move on.

 

People gave you good suggestions 8 years ago; you didn't listen. Every red flag about your now-wife (then girlfriend) you ignored. She used you, emotionally abused you, strung you along, played you for a fool and treated you like a dummy and you ate all that up every time. You ignored every good advice and then despite it all, married her. Then got divorced. Then got involved with other women in your life. Then got remarried to the same dysfunctional emotionally abusive woman again. Now brought a child into the world with this woman. Then carried out a four year affair with someone who was willing to give it all up to be with you for life, but you ditched her to be with your dysfunctional marriage. Oh for heaven's sake, you are treating this OW who has been in love with you and has been willing to walk away from everything for you and you have been treating her like a yo-yo toy.

 

Are you willing to listen to any advice given to you in this forum?

What advice are you asking for?

 

Since your first post in 2010, everything you write about your wife seems to show the same pattern: she likes to string you along, ignore you, hurt you, and then the moment you try to move on, she woos you back to her to keep you at her feet. Have you counted how many times she has done the same thing?

 

So, here's my suggestion:

I don't think you would ever leave you wife, no matter what she does. She loves to drag you along like a pet and for some reason you comply.

 

But please don't get other women involved in the process. It is truly heartless and pitiful of a man to get another woman involved who is willing to give it all up, when in reality he is NEVER going to leave his wife no matter what she does.

 

You and your wife are made to be together for life. Please stay with her and don't get other people involved in your life.

Your wife likes to play games with you, but please don't play games with other women's hearts.

 

Leave the OW alone; let her heal. Don't contact her. She has suffered enough.

 

Stay with your wife.

[BaileyB]

If her sister is a police officer, I would hope that she would have encouraged her to go to the police after he beat her and threatened her children?

 

Oops, clearly wrong discussion...

 

I’m curious OP, what kind of advice are you hoping to hear?

[Buccaneer55]

So my dilemma is this. I love my kid, becoming a father has been the best thing that’s ever happened to me. However, his parents are in a marriage that just doesn’t seem to work and is borderline loveless.

 

I’m in love with the OW and I really do believe that I’ve gotten to know her well over the last 4 years. Yes, I’m aware that we haven’t lived together and gotten to see the bad sides of each other.

 

So it’s choosing to be with my kid and hoping that somehow me and the wife can fall back in love and work a good marriage that models the type of marriage he should one day want. The other choice is being with the person I’m in love with but losing all that time with my kid and having someone else eventually come into his moms life and having another man help raise my kid when I’m not there.

 

Oops, clearly wrong discussion...

 

I’m curious OP, what kind of advice are you hoping to hear?

[fredflint]

I used to work with a guy who told me once he decided that reneging on his wedding vows was not an option for him, he found a way to make it work

[BaileyB]

So my dilemma is this. I love my kid, becoming a father has been the best thing that’s ever happened to me. However, his parents are in a marriage that just doesn’t seem to work and is borderline loveless.

 

I’m in love with the OW and I really do believe that I’ve gotten to know her well over the last 4 years. Yes, I’m aware that we haven’t lived together and gotten to see the bad sides of each other.

 

So it’s choosing to be with my kid and hoping that somehow me and the wife can fall back in love and work a good marriage that models the type of marriage he should one day want. The other choice is being with the person I’m in love with but losing all that time with my kid and having someone else eventually come into his moms life and having another man help raise my kid when I’m not there.

 

Staying with a woman that you don’t love, hoping that you will somehow fall in love with this woman, is not going to work. Don’t you think you both deserve more than that for you life?

 

There is a third option... divorce your wife because you don’t love her and it is the fair thing to do for her. And then, stay single and parent your child. You don’t need to jump from one relationship to another - that’s what got you into this mess in the first place!

 

If you are insistent on trying to make it work with the other woman, divorce your wife and then date the other woman. Let your relationship develop as a normal, healthy relationship would develop...

[MidnightBlue1980]

Staying with a woman that you don’t love, hoping that you will somehow fall in love with this woman, is not going to work. Don’t you think you both deserve more than that for you life?

 

There is a third option... divorce your wife because you don’t love her and it is the fair thing to do for her. And then, stay single and parent your child. You don’t need to jump from one relationship to another - that’s what got you into this mess in the first place!

 

If you are insistent on trying to make it work with the other woman, divorce your wife and then date the other woman. Let your relationship develop as a normal, healthy relationship would develop...

 

Isn't the OW married though? How can they date?

 

OP, did the OW divorce?

[S2B]

The post that started in 2010 we’re not about my wife. They were about the girl I dated in college. I met my wife after I finally went full NC on her. They are not the same person.

 

Again I’ve been in a 4 month affair, not a 4 year affair.

 

Thanks for the advice though.

 

It's not been 4 months. You've been emotionally tied to the OW for 4 years!

 

Your marriage never had a chance since you've been tied to the OW more than your wife.

 

 

You say you love your kid... so divorce and still be a Dad. Just because you divorce doesn't mean you stop being a Dad.

 

You have not been fair to your wife. You never invested in that relationship ship. You say you don't love her like the OW.

 

Give your wife the benefit of getting away from you - you've never been fair to her.

 

 

The OW may not leave her H. That's the risk you took when you got involved.

[BaileyB]

Isn't the OW married though? How can they date?

 

OP, did the OW divorce?

 

That's what I thought, I'm getting confused...

 

In that case, you should definitely walk away from both women and focus on your child.

[Adiron]

This is one very messed up situation.

 

 

Dude you need to figure yourself out before you consider being with anyone else.

 

 

 

End the marriage, find a way to end your connection with the woman at work, and get some much needed therapy.

[knitwit]

@Buccaneer55, thanks for spelling out the rest of your history.

 

What made you want to get back with your ex-wife? How long did you date before you remarried? You say that you are in a "near loveless marriage" and that even having a child didn't bring you back together.

 

But hear this clearly: Newborns do NOT bring partners together! The first year of your first child is one of the most stressful times in many marriages, mine included. I know there are some women who are blissfully happy in the first year (and every year thereafter) but for us mere mortals, it is a VERY difficult time. Your emotional distance due to your affair is not likely helping the situation, either.

 

Have you actually talked with any other married men who said that the first year of their kid's life was just A+ in their marriage? I've yet to meet one.

 

I think you have some "Affair Fog" going on. Even if your attention weren't on the highly attractive woman that you're ****ing on the side, this would be a hard year. Add your affair to what would normally be a really hard time and you are looking at destroying your family over fixable reasons.

 

Something in your gut knows you are making a mistake with you affair, it's why you put the brakes on it.

 

You have some kind of spark and history which made you marry your wife not once, but twice. And you have a very young child. You can still build a much better marriage but not when one of the partners is out having sex with another person. In other words, when you want to figure out what is causing your marriage to go South, you start with a look in the mirror and fix that person first.

 

If you didn't have a child, it wouldn't matter that much in the long run what you decided to do.

 

I recommend that you do some reading- Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs, would be good places to start. Go NC with your AP, get a new job, and give your marriage your best shot.

 

In 10 years, when you look back, what are you most likely to regret: Giving up on the OW or giving up on your family and time with your child? Since you're not in a terrible or abusive marriage, it basically comes down to that question.