Physical, mental and emotional abuse in an affair

[Whisky30]

I'll keep this short as possible...

I started a new job 6 months ago and from the first day my boss was very flirtatious towards me. To begin with I was incredibly wary and a bit nervous of him because he was so full on, even in front of colleagues. However due to us working in such close proximity to each other, we spend a lot of time together and we fell for each other. Hard. It was magical. After 3 months we tell each other we love each other and I genuinely meant it. From the depths of my soul I truly meant it. I still do. He is engaged, and was genuinely in turmoil and stress (so much it actually hospitalised him) about what he was going to do. He felt as if god was punishing him for meeting me when he did, and he regretted his life decisions.

 

Problem being, whilst he was confessing how much he loves me like no other, sometimes, just sometimes, he would be a little rough with me. Not during sex but in public. Spitting on me in restaurants when I was idly looking the other way, pinning me down so I have bruises on my arms, slapping me round the face. And then be super duper amazing to me, so I forget these things. I even now as I type think, 'oh this isn't that bad'.

 

We've had some GREAT times together - and I don't say that lightly. 99% of the time we are laughing, holding hands, cuddling and he's amazing. He's kind, deep thinking and thoughtful and a big kid. I adore him. But he's also my boss. He's everyone's boss because he's the top dog at our company.

 

He's now gone to get married. Not a word to me about it, he just left work one day and I found out from someone else.

 

I think I've been mentally, emotionally and possibly physically abused from day one and he knew what he was doing. Did he mean the things he said? You can't fake the level of emotion that I felt from him. He was almost in tears sometimes. But could he have totally lied?

 

I need my job, it's well paid, I'm secure and comfortable in it and I don't want to leave. But I have to sit there everyday and hide knowing that this man and I have been in a secret relationship and we've love each other deeply. hearing his name and having to stop from telling everyone what their boss is really like. How do I handle this? How do I handle the confusion, anger, hurt, frustration of loving someone so much, having to work wth them, and seeing a ring on his finger when only 6 weeks ago he was holding me saying that he wanted us to be together forever and that he had never felt a love like this before?

 

 

I do feel as if he has gone through with the wedding out of pressure and responsibility. It's very easy to say "if he loved you he couldn't go through with it" and whilst that is true, I do believe men take the easy route sometimes. I know there's a lot of pressure from his friends and family and he's feels that. It's like he's resigned himself to it. I don't believe he's a bad person deep down, even though he himself says he is.

 

I'm also confused about the physical aspect of it. I've had to hide painful bite marks from colleagues, sat in meetings holding my arm when the man sat opposite me caused them. My natural instinct is to say 'he didn't mean it and he doesn't know his own strength'.

 

So. How do I find the strength of loving someone so very very much, even now he will be married (and I will absolutely NOT have an affair with him. He had his chance), and work with him too? How do I switch my feelings off?

 

Please help. I'm desperate for advice.

Edited May 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs added ~T

[Whisky30]

I should add that I love this man deeply. It's not as easy as to just 'forget about him'. I can't switch my feelings off and neither do I want to get another job.

 

My anxiety is suffering badly, my nails are bitten and I'm in a constant state of stress. Simply for the fact that the man who has been telling me he can't live without me has now married someone else. Because he felt he couldn't end it.

 

Then again, he's made zero effort to talk to me about it for the past few weeks and has instead ignored any effort to speak to me. Despite me asking him to. It's like he's shut himself off from me. And I'm left wondering what these 6 months were all about.

 

When he gets back from his wedding, do I just carry on as normal with him or try to speak to him? Is it better to just hold my head high and deal with the hurt privately or attempt to get answers out of him? I feel I deserve an explanation as to how he can go to such lengths, every single day for 6 months (his fiancé was nowhere to be seen and they don't see each other that often) to tell me he loves me.

 

Is it possible that some men go through with a wedding even though they don't want to but do anyway out of a sense of duty and not wanting to cause upset to his friends and family? I think this is common but unspoken. After all, sadly there is more of a social stigma attached to cancelling your wedding than there is to getting divorced. People gossip, questions are asked. Even though it's the 'right' thing to do if you aren't sure anymore, it also takes extreme guts to do and I understand that.

Edited May 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs added ~T

[somanymistakes]

It's not as easy as 'just forget about him' no - but this man has intentionally violated your boundaries and exploited his position from day one.

 

You are not safe in this job. You say that you absolutely will not have an affair with him, but this guy knows how to push your buttons and has control over your work environment.

 

What will happen if he pressures you? Blackmails you? Threatens to fire you?

 

Did he mean the things he said? You can't fake the level of emotion that I felt from him. He was almost in tears sometimes. But could he have totally lied?

 

I've known some manipulative, possessive people who were capable of working themselves into great passions. 'Almost' in tears? Bah, I've seen them capable of sobbing because they mean what they say in that exact moment. And then they go on and do things that make that seem like a lie anyway. Because they can switch it off based on what's useful to their goals.

 

 

Is it possible that some men go through with a wedding even though they don't want to but do anyway out of a sense of duty and not wanting to cause upset to his friends and family? I think this is common but unspoken. After all, sadly there is more of a social stigma attached to cancelling your wedding than there is to getting divorced. People gossip, questions are asked. Even though it's the 'right' thing to do if you aren't sure anymore, it also takes extreme guts to do and I understand that.

 

Possible, yes, but common, no.

 

People do cancel weddings. Yes, there will be gossip, but much less than a divorce, and it's a lot cheaper as well.

 

Based on your story I don't currently see evidence that he didn't want to get married. I think he got exactly what he wanted, like he always does.

[BaileyB]

I think you go directly to a counsellor. Do not pass go and collect your $200...

 

I'm sorry, but for a man to spit on my in public, put bruises on my body, and slap me in the face - well, he wouldn't even get the courtesy of a goodbye... In fact, he would get a visit from the police from me. Absolutely, under no circumstances, would I tolerate that kind of physical assault from a man.

 

You have some deep thinking to determine why this kind of behavior is acceptable to you, and why you would ever believe that you "loved this man."

 

This isn't love. It's an abuse of power. It's sexual harassment in the workplace. It's a criminal offense - assault. It's emotional abuse.

 

If not a counsellor, go to a women's shelter where they provide services for women who are trying to leave abusive relationships. Educate yourself. Get some support.

 

And, start looking for another job. You are not safe in this job. You need to leave. Today.

Edited May 24, 2018 by BaileyB

[Whisky30]

When I requested (calmly, politely and nicely) that we sit down and have a chat to discuss what we mean to each other he said he would but he was too busy that day.

 

Then I said "because don't forget I know your professionally, and personally too" and I said it with a smile.

 

My intention was to remind him that we have spoken every day, 6 times a day for 6 months, and that we've gone away together (where he's held me so tight and said he can't believe how amazing I am and how lucky we are to have found each other), had adventures, travelled the country together, spent weekends together and countless romantic dinners etc

 

However he took what I said as a threat (!!) and said "it would be a big mistake for you to try and threaten me. BIG mistake"

 

I'm trapped. On one hand I believe that he does love me and the timing was wrong. I felt it. On the other, I just wish I could tell HR and his wife what he's done. I wish I could leave my job but I really do need the money, I wouldn't be as well paid anywhere else and I have debts.

 

I don't want to feel as if I've been used. Surely if someone looks you straight in the eye and tells you they love you (and everything else, like they want to have children with you, a life, they love you so much they never thought it could be possible, they miss you every second they're not with you) over months, that it was true. Can people really lie to that extent?!

 

He's said that him loving me so much has nothing to do with him getting married. I was wholly confused by that.

[Whisky30]

Is it sexual harassment in the workplace if I was a willing participant though?

 

I can't tell anyone at work what he is like because he knows where I live, and although everyone respects him at work and he's made a success of his life professionally and financially, I am the only one at work who knows what a shady and violent past he's had. Plus, he's a very big man. Very tall, and very muscly and stocky.

 

I am normally very strong and independant, I pride myself on it. So when he slapped me (he walked into the hotel room drunk, came up to me and did it - albeit lightly and it didn't hurt - and he was laughing as he did it. Then he did it two more times and I was stood there and asked what on earth he was doing as it was weird.

 

The next day he drove me to the pharmacy to buy the morning after pill. He didn't come in with me and I had to buy it myself. Then I cried when I was back in he car as I took it. He said he felt bad.

 

The spitting came when we were out for dinner and I was looking the other way at passers by in the bar. We had just finished dinner and there was a lull in conversation and then I felt a spray on my chest. I turned around and said if he ever did that again I would tell the owner of our company. After that he walked me to my station and walked off. We were meant to spend the evening together.

[Whisky30]

I don't want to feel this way.

 

I don't want to be in love with him. But I am and I now fully understand what it's like to be in an abusive relationship. It's confusing, numbing, and makes you question yourself.

 

I really am a strong, kind and independent person. Maybe he saw me as a conquest. Who knows. But I feel sick 24/7 at the thought that someone could be this deceiving and not mean his words.

 

I excused the spitting/slapping/bruises as they only happened once each time and he played them down saying I was over exaggerating.

[skywriter]

whiskey30, you are only as trapped as you choose to be. The way to take your control back is to leave while your lover boss is on his honeymoon.

 

The no contact put in place, block his calls, don't be anywhere he might show up , give yourself time to heal. You will begin to realize, this wasn't normal or anything you would want for yourself and it's not love.

 

 

Stick around and you'll find out things can and will escalate to worse.

 

 

He's said that him loving me so much has nothing to do with him getting married. I was wholly confused by that.

In other words, you are his other woman and she's his future wife. You are like a toy, tucked away ,to take out and play with on his terms.

 

 

Please get out and take your self respect and power back. Stop trying to understand him and understand your own needs and desires won't be filled by this unavailable, abusive man. His life's changing and you are choosing to watch it. Him not being available, starting a family, going on trips, celebrating milestones. It's gonna be very difficult at best.

Edited May 24, 2018 by skywriter

[bathtub-row]

No, it isn’t sexual harassment because you went along with it. As far as whether this numbskull loves you or not, as the saying goes, don’t believe what people say, believe what they do. I think what he’s done tells you everything you need to know.

 

I totally disagree that there’s more stigma attached to breaking an engagement than divorce. Not sure why you’ve drawn that particular conclusion. Look, the truth is, if this guy was as nuts about you as he said he was, there was absolutely no reason whatsoever for him to go through with the wedding. He has had plenty of time to call it off. But, for argument’s sake, let’s say hypothetically that he had a gun to his head and had to get married. How do you explain the fact that he just disappeared without at least some kind of explanation to you beforehand?

 

This guy has zero respect for you and you’re now in an impossible position. If you simply can’t quit right now, then put all your energy into finding another job. Personally, I’d wait tables before I spent one more day there.

[somanymistakes]

The fact that you EVENTUALLY consented does not mean that it was never sexual harassment.

 

Legally, it is still sexual harassment even if you 'went along with it' if you did so out of fear or pressure. There is court precedent for this.

 

If you were 100% willing and had no fear of the consequences of saying no or ending the relationship, in THAT case it would not be sexual harassment.

 

I can't tell anyone at work what he is like because he knows where I live

 

Sure doesn't sound free of fear to me!

 

I excused the spitting/slapping/bruises as they only happened once each time and he played them down saying I was over exaggerating.

 

Have you looked up the term 'gaslighting'?

 

This man has tested your boundaries and found that he can do absolutely anything to you and you won't report him or pull away.

 

You need a new job, a counselor, and possibly a lawyer.

[BaileyB]

There is an imbalance of power between your two positions. So, you may believe it to be "consensual," but, his behavior is essentially, an abuse of power. As such, he could, and should, lose his job.

 

The fact that you fear disclosing this "relationship" and his abusive behavior because he knows where you live and you may lose your job tells you, this is sexual harassment.

 

The laws related to respectful workplace environments and sexual harassment in the workplace exist for a reason - for your protection. I can't imagine that he would keep his job, if HR knew what was occurring...

Edited May 24, 2018 by BaileyB

[Whisky30]

At first yes I was a willing participant. Because over a period of months he got to know me, I felt safe with him, he was kind, and lovely. And he had already told me he was in love with the me and wanted to (ahem..) marry me. Yes, I can see the irony....

 

The ONLY reason I entered into an affair with him was because I honestly, in my heart of hearts, thought that it was just a case of bad timing that we met when we did. I told him my feelings, laid it out on the line that I wanted to be with him, and said I wouldn't stick around if he intended to get married. So I ended it back in April. He begged me not to.

 

But I feel that I have him enough time (I gave him 8 weeks from the day he told me he loved me. I didn't tell him this, but it's an important decision, a life changing decision, to decide to end a marriage because you've met someone else - so in my head I thought that 8 weeks was a good enough time for him to to think and action it)

 

If I thought this was just sex, I would have said NO. Immediately.

 

The first time we slept together was the time he slapped me. The time after that was loving and gentle and romantic. He switched between being rough and being gentle.

[Whisky30]

There is an imbalance of power between your two positions. So, you may believe it to be "consensual," but, his behavior is essentially, an abuse of power. As such, he could, and should, lose his job.

 

The fact that you fear disclosing this "relationship" and his abusive behavior because he knows where you live and you may lose your job tells you, this is sexual harassment.

 

The laws related to respectful workplace environments and sexual harassment in the workplace exist for a reason - for your protection. I can't imagine that he would keep his job, if HR knew what was occurring...

 

If he loses his job he will do something to me. Maybe not now, maybe not in a year. But he will. He's already said t will be a big mistake if I threaten him.

 

Believe me, I would love to tell everyone, to sing it from the rooftops. For everyone at work to know, for his wife to know. But my life is worth more than that.

[bathtub-row]

I hear what you guys are saying about sexual harassment but I have seen this situation before and this man has far more power than you think. But to be certain, OP, it would be best to talk to an attorney about it. He can advise you as to how to proceed. And I strongly suggest that you do that.

[BaileyB]

If he loses his job he will do something to me. Maybe not now, maybe not in a year. But he will. He's already said t will be a big mistake if I threaten him.

 

Believe me, I would love to tell everyone, to sing it from the rooftops. For everyone at work to know, for his wife to know. But my life is worth more than that.

 

 

Well, then you go to the police. You get a restraining order and file charges. You leave your job and move to another city.

 

I'm sorry, I know it's hard, but fear is not a good enough reason to stay in an abusive situation.

[somanymistakes]

Considering how high up he is, reporting him to HR is not necessarily useful, but you DO need to protect yourself.

 

Talk to a counselor and look for a new job ASAP. Keep that quiet.

 

Once you've looked into how to get out of your current situation, then you can contact the police/lawyers for assistance.

 

This man is dangerous. You need to get away from his influence, and then hopefully bring his misbehavior to light to prevent him from abusing someone else. But the first priority is you. You are not safe right now.

[Whisky30]

I agree with you. I've considered it but he's way too valuable to the company. Plus he's so charming that everyone adores him. I wish they knew the truth. He can't get any higher up in the company and is credited with turning the success of it around. It would be me that loses my job and I have debts so I can't afford to.

 

I have already started looking for other jobs and have so far had one interview (I was too senior so didn't get it) so the wheels are in motion but I don't want to go to just anything. I am proud of my career and want to go to something that will progress me. If I went to just 'anything' a feel he would have 'won' in a certain way. If I go, I want it to be to something amazing where I know I will be happy.

[bathtub-row]

If he loses his job he will do something to me. Maybe not now, maybe not in a year. But he will. He's already said t will be a big mistake if I threaten him.

 

Believe me, I would love to tell everyone, to sing it from the rooftops. For everyone at work to know, for his wife to know. But my life is worth more than that.

 

If you have anything in writing from him, keep it. And start documenting everything. Make an appointment with a lawyer. He or she may be able to work something out so that you can leave the workplace and still get compensated. The fact that he has gotten violent with you and has threatened you puts a whole different spin on things. You need to act and please don’t shy away from this.

[Whisky30]

I have 10,500 WhatsApp messages from him that begin in November of last year.

 

The nature of these are work related, extremely explicitly sexual, about our lives (health, family, food, going out, general life stuff), but mainly him missing me, that he wishes I was there with him, that he loves and adores everything about me etc.

 

Sometimes he says he is the devil, and that he is bad news.

 

There are some from his stag do where he says he misses me (on his stag do!!) and then he gets sexual. Again, he was on.his.stag.do. At this point I tell him to leave me alone because it's painful and hurtful.

[Whisky30]

I could also obtain a call log from my phone company of how many times he has called me. These would run into the hundreds figure. At a guess I would say 400 times over the course of 6 months

[bathtub-row]

All that proof is fine. Just make sure he can’t access it and delete it. I can’t say it enough — go see an attorney that specializes in employment law. Today, if possible.

[Whisky30]

I 100% understand what you're saying (I'm British by the way so I think an attorney is a lawyer or a solicitor?) - however I know what this man is capable of. Through us getting to know each other he has divulged information to me (he feels he can trust me because I'm so empathetic) and I know he is capable of very violent things. And so is his network of friends.

 

If I got a solicitor and started to go through a legal process of sexual harassment, regardless of whether the police were involved, he would find a way to get to me. Hence, I am trapped.

 

I will not leave my house, my job, my city. I need to try and find a way to work with this man and regain my sense of power and self control.

 

Oh, I also know he has been married before. Something his current fiancé does not know.

[somanymistakes]

You're British? Then you've probably read the recent news story:

 

Sex, lies and payday loans: The parachute murder plot - BBC News

 

This is what happens with dangerous men who are used to getting everything with no consequences.

 

You cannot safely work with this man. HE KNOWS HE CAN PUSH YOU. He knows he can violate boundaries with you. He knows your weaknesses. He tells you whatever he wants you to think.

 

Also you said a few minutes ago that you were looking for another job, now you say you won't leave your job?

 

You cannot just sit quietly and hope everything will be okay.

[Art_Critic]

The next day he drove me to the pharmacy to buy the morning after pill. He didn't come in with me and I had to buy it myself. Then I cried when I was back in he car as I took it. He said he felt bad.

 

That isn't love in motion, that is abuse in motion.

 

You are not loved, you are abused....

 

You need help to pull you from this addiction before you are seriously injured.

 

He doesn't love, a person how loves another doesn't slap them, spit on them or treat them like a piece of sexual meat.

 

I think you need to go find an abuse shelter of some sort or a therapist to help you extract him from your life.. he is a terrible influence on you and is doing real damage to you.

[RecentChange]

Do not pass go... GO straight to a counselor. Honey, this is sooo messed up! SO MESSED UP!! And the fact that you can't see what is right in front of your face is... I don't know, I am at a loss for words.

 

Until you get help for yourself, you will continue to seek out abusers, and continue to accept appalling treatment.

 

YOU set the boundaries. YOU decide how you will let someone treat you. YOU choose who you love.

 

And until you love yourself.... there will be misery like this.

 

 

 

I think I've been mentally, emotionally and possibly physically abused from day one

 

Sounds correct.

 

I don't believe he's a bad person deep down, even though he himself says he is.

 

BELIEVE HIM, he is a terrible person!!! He is broken! Anyone capable of doing what he has done to you is not a "good person".

 

Problem being, whilst he was confessing how much he loves me like no other, sometimes, just sometimes, he would be a little rough with me. Not during sex but in public. Spitting on me in restaurants when I was idly looking the other way, pinning me down so I have bruises on my arms, slapping me round the face. And then be super duper amazing to me, so I forget these things. I even now as I type think, 'oh this isn't that bad'.

 

Mind blown, you know what a good response to being spit on would have been? Flipping the who F'ing table over on him. *I* want to beat this guy down for the crap he has done to you in the name of women!! Holy S Lady!!!

 

This is not okay. Not okay for a moment. Its a REALLY BIG DEAL, it is so bad.

 

You know abusers aren't crappy all the time right? Otherwise no one would stick around for them to abuse. They abuse, and then they are oh so sweet and nice to suck you back in - so that they can stomp you down again. These are seriously damaged people.

 

 

I'm also confused about the physical aspect of it. I've had to hide painful bite marks from colleagues, sat in meetings holding my arm when the man sat opposite me caused them. My natural instinct is to say 'he didn't mean it and he doesn't know his own strength'. .

 

Please get help... if you stay on this path, if you keep accepting behavior like this, allowing it, covering it up etc - you are going to end up either completely broken or murdered. Do you know how many women are killed by their "lovers" every year?