I got burned

[100percentsad]

Hi all,

Thanks to all for the great posts.

This forum has been a invaluable resource for keeping my sanity in the last months...

Here is my story:

5 years A, both married, both with children.

I was coming from a difficult period in my marriage and I decided to give the A a try.

I did not have any previous experience of this kind (Ironically I considered myself a righteous man...)

After a period of total high (lasted 3 roughly 3 years) I began to give things for granted and act superior toward her.

At one point she could not stand the situation anymore and decided to end it.

We reconcile soon after but, no matter how hard I tried, things were never as before.

Then, with ups and downs, two more years have passed.

I've thought many times to leave the relations (so did she) but never found the courage to do it, always fearing the aftermath.

Then, one day, after a rough telephone call (I kept repeating, since two years, that a "phone" relationship was not enough for me) she decided to stop calling me and so did I.

Since then we are both NC.

She is very proud and stubborn so, I do not expect her to call me.

Not to mention that she probably moved on and I would end up with more suffering.

And here comes the question I'm still not able to answer: how is it possible that a non-relationship involving a tiny portion of time shared between two people can generate this amount of suffering?

I've not suffered so much (not even close) when relationships have ended with me and my mate living together for years and sharing a gazillion more experiences,

And now, after almost 3 months of NC, I cannot think about anything but her.

I read of people taking months to move on from "text" relationships, Jesus.

How long will I take to move on from a 5 years A?

Please, help.

[Romantic_Antics]

Because it's mostly fantasy and you build this person up in your mind to be much more than they actually are. Your mental image of them is the idealized culmination of all your hopes, dreams, and fantasies all rolled into one person. Losing them is like losing the most perfect dream girl/guy you'll ever know and losing something like that is damn near impossible to get over. However, this person was not perfect and that is what you need to remind yourself.

[skywriter]

Because it's mostly fantasy and you build this person up in your mind to be much more than they actually are. Your mental image of them is the idealized culmination of all your hopes, dreams, and fantasies all rolled into one person. Losing them is like losing the most perfect dream girl/guy you'll ever know and losing something like that is damn near impossible to get over. However, this person was not perfect and that is what you need to remind yourself.

 

 

Extremely accurate Romantic_ Antics.

[preraph]

Easy enough answer. When you're not face to face and spending significant time, it's much easier to project each other's "perfect mate" onto each other. If you'd been face to face, it probably would have fizzled much earlier. Most of us have that perfect man/woman in our head and a lot of us can't help but think each new person is going to fit that mold and we try and try to see it that way until we just can't anymore. So in non-real-life relationships, this can go on for years and be very painful. Just as a nonrequited crush can be painful in real life for the person crushing if they never get to know you and see you have flaws and aren't their dream person.

 

Just know that you don't really know this person. Even with the rose colored glasses of just text, you were unable to continue to get along, so that simply is a fact.

[FMW]

Those are the easy answers, and possibly the right ones for the OP's situation.

 

But my own experience isn't one of fantasy and idealistic dreams. I never had a fantasy idea of my AP of 3 years - he's a very damaged guy and believe me some of the things he does leave no room for fantasy thoughts, and it's been that way from the very beginning. I very much realize that if we ever were to truly be together there would be many serious challenges. I fully realize it's in my best interest that he isn't "all mine". I have no illusions or delusions about him or our relationship.

 

But that doesn't stop him from being very deep in my heart and mind every day. We've had a few breaks with NC that lasted 7 or 8 weeks, but my thoughts of him didn't lessen during those breaks.

 

I don't know what the answer for your situation is 100percentsad, only you can figure that out (I haven't figured that out for myself). Hopefully if you are still checking in the responses will help.