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First Post... I'm the OW

The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 18th February 2018, 1:27 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by Sarahhurts View Post
I started out like you. Thought I had it under control.

Iím a married woman with kids.
There were zero expectations in terms of leaving his wife, in fact we both agreed that upfront. It was a distraction and it filled a void in my marriage. (Since figured out what the void is and working on it).

My warning feel like this now but the time will come when you are so sucked in and it will eat away at your mind, your mental health and your ability to lead a normal life. Itís like a cancer that takes over.

The scary part is that you donít get a warning that youíre about to bridge that transition. You just wake up one day and realise you are no longer in control, the addiction is.

Your happiness depend on the daily messaging and contact. And it only takes one small slip, one too uncomfortable question from his wife for him to take a break. A day, a week, a month, however long.

And during that time you stop living and you are truly experiencing what feels like agony and torture. The withdrawal and the come down takes over your life and ability to function.

I suspect you feel strong now because you get guaranteed, predictable daily contact. This wonít always be the case and once it starts becoming less scheduled the shift and loss of control will set in.

I wish you well and Iím glad you reached out. This group is a great support, irrespective of where you are in the cycle or in which camp.
This truly is how it feels.
I could have written these words verbatim, sarahhurts.
A really horrible downfall to this is the suffering in silence.
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Old 18th February 2018, 1:45 AM   #17
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Originally Posted by snowbunny22 View Post
Wow, a year! It's only really been three months for me and I can't even imagine it going on for an entire year. Famous last words, right? I feel like you and I would have a lot to talk about.
Yes a year...time flies when your having fun. Until itsnnot fun anymore. The last few months have not been fun. I spend the majority of my time waiting. Waiting for his call, waiting for his text, waiting for him to show up hours beyond when he was supposed to show up. Waiting for him to tell me when he can see me next. Wondering ...wondering why he hasn't.called, wondering why he hasn't texted, wondering if today will be the day he ends things. Get out while you can. This is no way to live. It's living life in limbo. The longer it goes on and the more your feelings evolve the worse it gets. Basically it's wasted time. I know there is no future for MM and I and yet I stay in it. From the beginning he mad e it clear he will not leave his family. I would never expect him too. I love him. And things that never bothered me in those early months eat away at me now. Wondering what he's doing when he's home, wondering if he's thinking of me. Wondering if he's being intimate with his W , wondering if he's getting closer to her. Our relationship has recently gone from spending every day together with the exception of Sunday, to only seeing him at work and after work and maybe once on the weekend, because his wife found out . I keep accepting less and less until eventually it will be an occassional crumb...and I know this. It is torture. And it will ruin your self esteem. Right now he is home with bad flu. I want to check on him, take care of him. I can't do that though, he has someone else doing that for him. That hurts. Knowing that if something were to happen to him i can't go see him. I'm a secret. And vice versa, if I were to be sick or worse...he wouldn't be able to be there for me, because of his circumstances. As time goes on, these little things will start to creep into your thought and bring things into perspective. But it doesn't make it any easier to get out. We tried to end it last week. 2 days with NC ...he called me at the end of the 2nd night and I caved.

Last edited by Lehcar1012; 18th February 2018 at 1:55 AM.. Reason: Want to add more
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Old 18th February 2018, 2:01 AM   #18
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You realize your life is now on hold. Waiting on him. For what????
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Old 18th February 2018, 3:11 AM   #19
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OP I think you're already sucked in deep because you say his wife could destroy your career but you don't care about the consequences of getting caught. I can't imagine that you would risk your career for a man you have no attachment to unless perhaps you have a habit of sabatoging your life with poor choices.

It's nuts to stay in their marital home. Tell him you want a hotel room. What is wrong with this guy? He disrespects his wife so much that he allows another woman to invade her house but he stays with her. What does that say about him?
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Old 18th February 2018, 8:05 AM   #20
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OP, you're enjoying the excitement. So is he.

The problem is, when you're getting off on the danger, it's extremely likely that the danger will continue to ramp up until a disaster occurs. Because it will always be more thrilling to take it just a little further.

This guy has been on this ride before, and he's been CAUGHT before. It's entirely possible that he enjoys the part where his wife catches him and gives him hell. He may even enjoy watching her ruin your life as it could give him a power trip, knowing that you intentionally walked into this because he's so sexy.

So before you go through with this I would suggest sitting down and thinking about it in detail.

What will you do if his wife comes home while you're there? What would you say to her? What do you think she'd say to you?

How will you handle the career consequences if she finds out in any way? What do you think she'll do to try and ruin your life? What would become of you? Would your friends and family be on your side, do you think? How will this interact with the other complicated life problems you have going on?

Are there other ways you could get your fix? Like, for example, as a single woman if you go to a local swingers club you can probably get in free and everyone in t he whole darn place will fall over themselves trying to talk you into a threesome. And you can turn them all down. Easy naughty power trip.
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Old 18th February 2018, 9:14 AM   #21
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I am the wife that walked in on her H with the OW in bed. I could share with you the trauma that happened to all of us if you would like to hear it. This is serious stuff.
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Old 18th February 2018, 12:25 PM   #22
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Yes, wife and MM are having sex. If wife is powerful and smart (like you say) then this a trap. Youíre going to experience unbearable pain if you go see him.
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Old 18th February 2018, 3:18 PM   #23
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Make him get a hotel room. Playing house in her home is absolutely wrong. That's enough to put anyone over the edge. If he wants to be with you he'll get a room!
Women are like cops. They can have all the evidence in the world but they still need a confession.
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Old 18th February 2018, 4:22 PM   #24
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Your hormones are overruling your head. Why would you risk your career for a guy? And not even a guy who is willing to be a standup guy who earns your trust and appreciation? But a guy who wants to have you stay at his house - super cheap for him, by the way - with the risk that his wife will catch you?

You need to snap out of this fog and protect yourself. This is a crazy risk. Do you have a really good girlfriend or family member who you can share this with? Someone who helps ground you? I would urge you to talk to someone in real life before you do this.
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Old 18th February 2018, 4:27 PM   #25
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*Affair partner physically thrashed my husband and had a physical fight with my sons*
OP I think you should read this thread by sophisticatedlady, maybe youíll think twice about what your getting yourself into.
Good luck to you
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Old 18th February 2018, 4:52 PM   #26
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OP, you are getting some AMAZINGLY GOOD ADVICE on your thread. Please take heed!
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Old 18th February 2018, 6:27 PM   #27
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You are dating a man-boy with mummy issues. He is almost certainly resentful of his competent, successful partner for whatever reason.

He is acting out this resentment passive aggressively by having a secret affair. Passive aggressiveness and resentment are behaviours characteristic of emotionally immature people. How will this play out in his treatment of you?

If his wife finds out he may keep seeing you behind her back to continue the punishment. He will almost certainly unconsciously encourage and enjoy any punishment or anger she hands out.

This is happening outside of his conscious awareness. You are the third corner of the triangle. If it gets out it really wonít be exciting any more

. Betrayal of trust is really very very damaging to the betrayed, psychologically and physically. It is an attack on the vulnerability we offer when we trust. If we are complicit in betrayal , we add a little bit to the misery and callousness of life and give nothing to the best that is in us or others.
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Old 18th February 2018, 6:39 PM   #28
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If you want a sneak peek into this guys personality and what your future holds, you don't need a crystal ball. All you need is to see how he treats his wife.

Someone who goes behind their spouse's back, and more than once at that, who brings his dalliances to the home he shares with his wife, is a lech. Pure and simple. He will treat you no better than he treats her, and I would bet that you aren't his only " extra curricular activity". My guess is that he's like a little boy who feels like he's getting one over on his "mommy" by sneaking around behind her back. If so, his behavior is more about his needs and ego than any affection for you. If he gets caught, he'll throw you under the bus and you'll become the woman who chased him and wouldn't leave him alone. He'll be fine with seeing you go down inflames if it means he can save his sorry @ss.

I know you feel this is all just fun and there are no strings attached...but ask yourself this. How would you feel if he cut off contacting you today? Would you feel "meh,it was fun while it lasted" or woudl you start to feel a panicky feeling, wondering what was wrong and if you would hear from him again? Would you wonder if he had been caught and your career was in peril?

If this really is just about sex and distraction, there are lots of single guys out there who would love that kind of relationship, and it would come without the emotional and career risks to you. Is this married guy really with losing your career and having your heart broken?
"ďthereís no better system than our own morality, not law, not science, not religionÖ just decency.Ē-R.M.
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Old 18th February 2018, 9:26 PM   #29
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Snowbunny, I stupidly got involved with a MM a few years ago, a very similar situation to yours, the marriage was supposedly over in all but appearances. He was too gutless to face off with his bossy, controlling wife over issues that were making him angry and depressed, so instead he got back at her by carrying on with other women behind her back. The worst scenario played out. His wife found out, she threw him out of their family home, his three adult kids refused to speak to him, and then the wife decided she wanted a divorce and the money and assets fight started. He often said to me, "She'll get that house over my dead body". And she did. When the family court ruled that she would retain the family home, and that he would continue to keep her in the lifestyle she was accustomed to, (a massive amount of spousal support per year), he decided suicide was the answer. Obviously most affairs don't end so tragically, but my point is that had I stuck to my personal moral code, (like you I was having a bad moment in my life), I wouldn't have got involved with a MM in the first place, let alone been part of such a horrible tragedy.
Affairs and cheating are always sordid and grubby. You can conduct an affair in the penthouse suite of the most expensive hotel and toast it with the most expensive champagne, but it will always be cheap and nasty.
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Old 19th February 2018, 3:48 AM   #30
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Let him put his hands in his pocket and pay for a hotel. ..or does he think you're so cheap you aren't even worth the cost of a hotel room.

Even then she could have a PI tailing him..but it's less risky.
'Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to'
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