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Encouragement


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 21st February 2018, 4:26 PM   #46
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I don't know, HadMe, the consensus around here is that it is far more manipulative and destructive when the MP reaches out during NC despite knowing that the xAP has asked for no further contact; thus, xAP's not reaching out during NC is what is respectful...

but I digress.

I have to admit that I felt some flattery when xMM sporadically attempted contact... even though it was quite jarring. I mean, he even showed up at my home once... Unfortunately, I was unable to reconcile the above argument: is he contacting me because he actually loves and misses me... or is he doing it because it is easier to keep an OW than to groom a new one??? Since his actions did not match the former, I had no choice but to lean toward the latter.

These days, I keep stumbling over my shame and supposed lack of worthiness. I feel that these feelings have been exacerbated due to my additional experience of having told a romantic prospect (someone I had formerly dated) the truth about the affair and subsequently being ghosted. Actually, this has happened twice (two different guys)... I feel a great deal of shame, like I am untouchable, when I think of what happened in these scenarios... I feel like I am wearing the shame on my face (that scarlet letter "A") when I see either of them, they know my secret and have deemed me unworthy, undateable... they could have nothing further to do with me AT ALL. In their eyes, any value I had dissolved into nothingness. Having to fight against these thoughts in my mind is horrible.

Like you, when these thoughts become overwhelming, I repeat to myself, "I am letting go and moving on." I mean, what else, really, can I do other than that? I cannot undo the past. It is now a part of my history and has shaped who I am as a person...

While I am too cheap to see a counselor, I have been reading tons of helpful articles into my voice recorder and then listening to them later on when I feel down... last week, I focused these articles on how I had been feeling: extreme anger, being used (not chosen and thus discarded repeatedly, A and otherwise), shame, depression, etc... It has been working! In fact, I call them my "healing the soul" sessions since I add in my own thoughts and commentary on what I am reading

Sometimes, though, everything about it all is so exhausting.

By the way, I would be interested in delving more into this affair hangover phenomenon that you mentioned...
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Old 21st February 2018, 8:23 PM   #47
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Originally Posted by Vivir View Post
These days, I keep stumbling over my shame and supposed lack of worthiness. I feel that these feelings have been exacerbated due to my additional experience of having told a romantic prospect (someone I had formerly dated) the truth about the affair and subsequently being ghosted. Actually, this has happened twice (two different guys)... I feel a great deal of shame, like I am untouchable, when I think of what happened in these scenarios... I feel like I am wearing the shame on my face (that scarlet letter "A") when I see either of them, they know my secret and have deemed me unworthy, undateable... they could have nothing further to do with me AT ALL. In their eyes, any value I had dissolved into nothingness. Having to fight against these thoughts in my mind is horrible.
That is a huge fear of mine. I'm currently a little interested in someone who is a very successful and accomplished and respected person, we've started spending time together as friends for now. I keep thinking I'm not "good enough" for him because of my experience. I'm sure if I ever told him about my being an OW (especially since he knows the xMM) he would lose all interest and respect for me.
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Old 22nd February 2018, 1:53 PM   #48
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Finding My Way,
It is tricky... especially since the person you're interested in knows your xMM. The two revelations took place over the course of 1.5 years. One of the guys knew xMM on a superficial level. I had been dating each of the single guys for 3-6 months (not at the same time), and honestly thought things were getting more serious and that is why I disclosed the information. But I had been asked about it directly in both instances. I promised myself I wouldn't lie, because authenticity is one of my values.

Quite a few people here told me not to disclose, and quite a few people told me to disclose... my problem was determining when to disclose. I mean, do you wait until you've been married to the person for twenty years to tell them that kind of thing about your past? Or do you tell them up front so they won't feel "misled" as you progress into officially being an item. That was my dilemma...

Going forward for the time being, I am refusing to bring it up. Still, I will not lie if I am asked about it directly, but I am letting go and moving on. I realize that as I make peace with my history as an OW, the only person I owe anything to at this point is myself.

I need to be OK with it before I can help anyone else be OK with it.

And if we are *dating*, right now, and not in a relationship, I just don't care about what a potential partner wants in terms of knowing about my past that is over and done with. Maybe I will change my mind again in time.

I honestly wish I hadn't said anything to anyone about it and kept my business to myself. Of course, you'll have to gauge your own situation for yourself.

There are posts within other threads that address this very issue. The advice is mixed.

The best advice I can give you at the moment would be to continue to work through how you're feeling about the affair, learn to make your peace with it. If you're dating or interested in someone, date them and remain friends for as long as possible. Put some distance between you and the affair.

You can't help anyone else be OK with your past affair before you are OK with your past affair.

Wishing you good luck!
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Old 22nd February 2018, 2:01 PM   #49
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Vivir,

I applaud you for your honesty and integrity. Quite frankly, if being with an honest woman who acknowledges her past wasnít something either guy respected, then it is THEIR loss, not YOURS. They donít deserve you if they had had time to get to know the real you, had earned your trust enough for you to share a painful secret and then rejected you. Scrape them off. You deserve better.
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Old 22nd February 2018, 2:37 PM   #50
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I really appreciate your message, Georgia Girl. Thank you I agree with you, and I tell myself that they were well within their right not to choose me to be in their lives. And I am well within mine to keep them both at a great distance. I am polite, I will give a nod to the one who gave me a slow fade, but I don't talk to either of them. I don't even acknowledge the one who ghosted me. I try like hell to hold my head high despite my feelings of acute shame whenever I see these two guys out and about, and sometimes I even have a little cry off in the corner somewhere before going on with my day...


I just realized that I totally threadjacked HadMe's thread! So sorry
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Old 22nd February 2018, 7:10 PM   #51
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TJ was my fault Sorry HadMeOverABarrel.
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Old 23rd February 2018, 5:34 AM   #52
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TJ was my fault Sorry HadMeOverABarrel.
No worries. Good to discuss and happy to provide the place to do it.
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