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ExMM calls 3 times on 1 year ann of DD (UGH)

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Old 20th January 2018, 4:18 AM   #1
Join Date: Jan 2017
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ExMM calls 3 times on 1 year ann of DD (UGH)

Hi Everyone

Im posting here so I dont do something stupid or something I will regret to prolong this drama in my life. Im almost to the finish line for my goals from the past year that I worked so hard for and focused on. So if theres spelling mistakes etc Im sorry but typing fast to get my anger, frustration, hurt, and are you kidding ExMM thoughts out.

Its been a year since DDay in that year at the nine month mark he contacted me I was blunt very honest and to the point the way I feel and that he choose where he is and his life. I did as asked left quiet and started to put my own life back together since DD. He claimed to have done the same. He was happy with his life but couldnt look me in the eye as he said it. Then poof he drove away and silence started again. I just kept going with my goals and focus on them and the holidays to come.

Now holidays were hard dont get me wrong I think of him everyday miss him actually or rather miss the person I loved and dreamed with that was a fantasy. As I see it now anyways.

So ONE YEAR to the date of DD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He sees me hello I was driving my end of town like I do everyday. He crossed over into my area of town. NOT like him at all even during the A. He drove by me waved I thought oh you can acknowledge me today? Some days he did some days he didnt, so I just quiet months ago acknowledging him why bother. The last time we had a Drive by he put stomped on it and raced by me in a rage. My thoughts when he did that So what he choose to be where/who/and how he lives his life just be mad at me all you want whatever.

So update on me quit my stressful job that I hated. Looked after me for a couple months and my kids we all needed me to be the steady force to bring
our little family together. It worked im closer to my children then ever before. They are thriving and learning trust and closeness with me will never waver again. Im all in when it comes to them. Im looking for a full time position in my field now that the new year has started. My separated H yes he know my goal no hiding it no secrets he still lives in our home and we raise the kids together better acutely. Theres no really fighting any more, no sex, and child care seems to work out good as we dont mind separate time with them or all together. Kids are what matters. H and I are best friends but thats as far as it goes and he knows it. I made it clear. Even tho the out side world sees a married couple! Emotionally were at a good place and open talk of living arrangements and kids now. Fingers crossed it stays this good for communication.

NOW onto ExMM one year to the date of his call she found text and that it was over. I was holding my breath waiting for this date to pass. I dont know why but it had a mark of OK on to the next I made it a year. I can do this. Then I see him my area of town. He drives by slow driver window to driver window and waves. I did not and kept going I got home changed and thought ok wait a few mins he will have gone and I can go about my day just get the day over. Then my phone rings I THINK WOO WOO MAYBE GOOD NEWS ABOUT A JOB! NOPE it was him I didnt know the number guess pay phone he confirmed. So I did the speech I had recited in my head so many time prepared if this moment came.

ME: Asked why he was calling?
HIM checking in making sure your ok
ME (thinking..... most inportant person in my life died last aug that didnt worry a call from him so why this day DD ann)
ME Im Fine why wouldnt I be? And where are you a Pay phone? and what do you want? Why are you calling me on this day of all days?
HIM: I didnt feel like going to work didnt even feel like getting out of bed (this is very unusual he does nothing but work? unless theres a party to go)
Whats so special about today?
ME: AAAA ya 1 year ago today you made that call to me we were done she saw some text and suspects.
HIM: oh is it ? I didnt realize oh ya its Jan I guess it would be around this date.
ME: (thinking F.... you like you dont remember the day our lives changed forever really ?) Why are you calling me?
HIM: checking in were friends and its been a long time thought I would check in.
ME: WERE NOT FRIENDS!!!!!!!!! friends hang out friends can call on there personal phone friends call when they hear of a close family death, friends care, friends show up at your door and hang out just because, friends say hi and chat when you run into each other in public.
ME AGAIN: If your looking for SEX forget it Im worth more then that dont you think?
HIM: I never asked for that you brought that up not me. I thought I call see how you are. We cant go back to that or it will all start again.
ME: (I said his name very clear and slow followed by) YOU DO NOT LOVE ME YOU NEVER DID. WHAT DO YOU WANT. in a calm deep voice.
HIM: just to see how you are 4 years was a long time........
ME: Im fine
HIM: OK I will let you go then
ME: OK Bye

Second call different pay phone later. I didnt worry thought it was done I answered UGH

ME: Hello
HIM: Hi again
ME: WTH? what are you doing? Your married I dont know what you want from me.
HIM: Your married too. Thought I would say hi one more time.
ME: OK thanks then but I have to go and so do you.
HIM: Ok bye
ME: Final time Bye

3rd call later after dinner again thinking it was over he got to me mission accomplished I pick up my phone again.

ME: Hello
ME: Why are you calling me again?
HIM: I wanted to make sure you still have my office number?
ME: I know it off by heart always did still do for different reasons now so yes I have that number even if I didnt want it. Any thing else?
HIM: random chat
ME: I have to go now
HIM: you know where to contact find me now.

(now this made me really mad I know him too well. Thats what he says when people drop him so he can believe to him self well they didnt come to me after I told them im open so its their fault we dont communicate not mine they left.

ME: (thinking IN anger raging anger your not releasing your guilt onto me no way) Very calm and strong I said DITTO thats it just DITTO

HIM: what does that mean?
ME: when you have your life in order you know where and how to find me too. so DITTO.
HIM: ok true bye
ME: yep (click)

So heres the part that made me so sick like I really did throw up in my mouth and my stomach turned. During this an acquaintance ran into me a few days later. And she told me how there all planing another not 1 but 2 fun vac to the warm sun very soon it was put in motion the week before he called me. So hes planning a vac with his W and Minions(friends) and calling me on the side burner during this. I was sick to my stomach. I always hated she got the fun open him and I got the crums If that honestly mostly nothing from him. I dont think he loves or cares about anyone but him self. How did I let him treat me like a ghost for 4 years? How come I let my self be used like that? Most of all why do I think about him every day still? My head says no hes a jerk and others names I wont say but my heart wont meet with my brain yet?

AND how long before you forgive yourself and trust people again I dont think I ever will. not after an emotionally abuse marriage. and being made a secret personal basically sex ghost to XeMM

Most of all how long and how do you forgive yourself for being so low?

Thanks for reading if you made it this far.
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Old 20th January 2018, 10:32 AM   #2
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I'm sorry you are going through this, but thank you for sharing that. That kind of post really helps me a lot to understand the perspective of my xAP. She could easily be thinking all of those things about me.

I have rationalized that she is married too and she's the one that contacted me after the last NC and bears just as much responsibility for all of this and has no right to be angry at me, etc, etc.

The reality is I have the wherewithal to do the right thing and leave her alone to find happiness. So, that's what I can do. That's within my power. We are NC again by the way, and reading your post helps rid me of any notion of contacting her again. If I care about her, I'll leave her alone. Actually broader than that, if I care only about myself, I'll contact her. Otherwise, I'll leave her alone.
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Old 20th January 2018, 11:52 AM   #3
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Can't you block his number? And if you can't block (?), then use the old fashioned hangup at the first sound of his voice. Any sort of communication, even telling him off, just sets you back in your progress towards heart-wholeness.
Heavily medicated for your safety.
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Old 20th January 2018, 11:55 AM   #4
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Despite you preparing a speech in your mind for a long time in case he called you, you prepared the wrong speech.

Saying "if you called for SEX..." was the wrong thing to say. He didn't call for sex. He called for EGO boost. He called because he was bored and needed you to free him with a "I still pine for you and at the sound of your voice I still melt" or something equivalent.

After the affair is 'over', MMs don't call for sex--they call to give themselves a little reminder of the high they used to get during the affair. At this stage your xMM, like all others, calls for a self validation "I'm calling because I am not a monster; I am a human who still cares about you and you OW are the monster for not wanting to have a civil chit chat about the good old days."

You can assure yourself that after all those calls, he didn't feel guilty or even remotely aware of the pain he caused you or the way he insulted you. In his mind he's telling himself, "I can't believe she's so rude--I just wanted to be a friend who cares."

To say I'm fuming in anger reading your post is an understatement. You did everything to put yourself back together and there he comes all over again with nothing but insult, more humiliation, but placing himself on a pedestal as a "good guy with cares".

So, back to your speech, what could you have said? I don't know, perhaps "Should I call your wife and ask if she is ok since you are so concerned about if I am ok? Next time you call or even wave at me, your lovely wife will get a call from me, so think twice."

You are a stronger person than I am. I would want to call his wife right before the vacation and give her the report on her husband's thoughtful caring calls to you and wish him a happy vacation.

How else is anyone supposed to stop him from doing this to you? He has nothing to lose. He knows you will brew in your emotional hell, but at no consequence to him.

I am so sorry for what you are going though. Stay strong. Be proud of how you handled it, despite the ugliness of it all.

Last edited by burnt; 20th January 2018 at 11:58 AM..
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Old 21st January 2018, 12:34 PM   #5
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Change your number or block him. You kinda brought this on by answering his calls 3 times after many many months of NC. The A is over and there's no point of any contact except game play. It seems he did it on purpose to stir up emotions and get you to think of him. Sadly it worked.

BLOCK HIM or change your number that way you won't ever hear from him again on year 2 DD.
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Old 22nd January 2018, 10:36 AM   #6
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You really seem like you did not want to talk to him. May I ask why you continued to answer the phone?
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Old 22nd January 2018, 4:19 PM   #7
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Another member said it best in regards to staying freinds with an AP

Plus seriously, how would being friends work? "Hey want to hang out and think about that time we had sex and I destroyed my entire family hurting every person who loves me and that I love." Um....that is a big NO.
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Old 24th January 2018, 1:08 PM   #8
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The first thing you did was accept his phone call although I'll let you off the hook on that one because it was a # you didn't recognize but why did you answer the 2nd and 3rd time? I'll tell you why, because you thought it would some how be different this time and sweety, its not. He's still the same ole con-artist and you keep entertaining him. Don't you see that he now knows that he still has power over you, why because you picked up the phone not once but 3 times.

Block him from all avenues of contact and do not pick up #'s that you don't recognize. He's trying to squirm himself back in and there is no such thing as being friends in a dynamic as this. He still has you wrapped around his finger and he knows it.

Today is a new day, so keep your head up and start anew! You got this!
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Old 28th January 2018, 5:42 PM   #9
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Why are you answering the phone, from a number you don't know?

I think you loved the attention, and now you're mad about it.
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Old 29th January 2018, 1:27 PM   #10
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Hold up everyone....

The XMM called from THREE different phone booths. How was OP supposed to "block" those numbers??! I'm sure she has his personal/office phone numbers blocked already. Plus, she's in the middle of a serious job hunt. OP picked up the unfamiliar numbers hoping it was a job offer. Yeeesh.

To the OP: Call his wife and tell her what her hubby did. He's fishing again and she needs to know. I guarantee the BS knows the D-Day anniversary date as well as you do. She'll believe you....or, at the very least, she'll put hubby on such a lock-down you won't have to worry about him bothering you again.

Good luck sweetie. Don't let XMM derail your progress. You are on the right path.

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