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The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 28th December 2017, 8:04 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by WorldInMyEyes View Post
You missed out. Imagine a cross between Romeo & Juliet, The Notebook, and the video for "Take on Me". I was lucky enough to experience exactly that as a young man before her family moved out of state and we never saw each other again.

I've been heartbroken for 20 years and would give away my current unhappy marriage in a second just to have one more moment with that girl.

I apologize for hijacking this thread. I'll show myself out.
I'm sorry but I think it's you that missed out. To feel that empty without the one person you think can fulfill you? I strongly suspect that reality wouldn't be what you hope for. What is wrong in your life that you cant be happy in yourself? And why stay in an unhappy marriage?
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Old 28th December 2017, 8:43 AM   #17
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48 hour update

I think I was bored and vulnerable but I didn't like the loss of control and emotional rollercoaster at all. (NC Rocks by the way -- should have done this weeks ago!)

I think I need IC. Honestly (and I can be honest here right?) I think I hold myself back from H in a way to protect my heart - even though he's probably the last person it needs protection from. Deep down, I just don't feel worthy of the love he gives me, so I subconsciously look for ways to prove I am right and don't deserve it. But this situation is showing me real truth about who I am, what motivates my behavior, and what I would be giving up if I do not just let my heart go completely with H. I need to give up all these small resentments and other nitpicky crap that I hold onto to keep me from being my very most vulnerable. I need to realize everyone deserve unconditional love, even me.......
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Old 28th December 2017, 9:39 AM   #18
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It's good to see that after you found out the MM is just a Player who has lots of women that you now want to make a go with your husband. Maybe you can now have all the sex you wanted with MM with your husband.
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Old 28th December 2017, 6:00 PM   #19
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It is not really the fact that...

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Originally Posted by lhgirl View Post
I think I was bored and vulnerable but I didn't like the loss of control and emotional rollercoaster at all. (NC Rocks by the way -- should have done this weeks ago!)

I think I need IC. Honestly (and I can be honest here right?) I think I hold myself back from H in a way to protect my heart - even though he's probably the last person it needs protection from. Deep down, I just don't feel worthy of the love he gives me, so I subconsciously look for ways to prove I am right and don't deserve it. But this situation is showing me real truth about who I am, what motivates my behavior, and what I would be giving up if I do not just let my heart go completely with H. I need to give up all these small resentments and other nitpicky crap that I hold onto to keep me from being my very most vulnerable. I need to realize everyone deserve unconditional love, even me.......
It is not really the fact that... you had an emotional affair that bothers me.

It is that you treat and feel about your husband like that.

I would like you to know that my wife was so much worse than what you have done, and she now lives in a small rent house and actually has to work for a living.

At one time she had a man that loved her madly, gave her great sex (her words not mine), a wonderful father, strong bread winner, really about everything most women seem to want. With the added benefit of me (and both of my sons) being really great professional musicians.

She managed to piss all of that away. Now she lives a with a roommate and wonders how she will make ends meet until she dies.

You may want to think about the way that you feel about your husband, the one that you "LOVE", but really don't want to have sex with for the most part.

You may want to think about how he would feel about your affair, and your attitude toward him and your benign feelings toward him. And you may want to wonder how you would feel if he found out and dumped you to your own devices.

Your are right about one thing, you do need IC...
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Old 28th December 2017, 6:04 PM   #20
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I can't understand how people can do this to their committed partners! Don't you realize how lucky you are to have that? I can't imagine the love is reciprocal when people do this. Any type of lying and deceit is not love.
I ask in all seriousness... then why are you posting on the OM/OW section?
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Old 28th December 2017, 6:33 PM   #21
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He's just a sad married loser who enjoys the chase and ego strokes.

I'm glad you ended it! Be glad you're not his wife!!

If you put that effort and energy into your H - you would get the same "feeling"!

Try it!


I'd suggest counseling for you too... to understand why you needed this MM attention... and how not to need it again.
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Old 28th December 2017, 6:36 PM   #22
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I ask in all seriousness... then why are you posting on the OM/OW section?
Easy: it is just so much easier to throw stones...

Sadly enough, before I did what I did, I had the same thoughts. I hope I didn't ever speak them aloud to people.

One thing this whole mess has taught me is not to judge unless I've walked in their shoes...(sounds so cliche, but it's so true)

But judging makes some feel so much better about themselves, even if it is at the expense of others. Also, super easy to do behind the safety of an anonymous web forum.
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Old 28th December 2017, 6:40 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by lhgirl View Post
I think I was bored and vulnerable but I didn't like the loss of control and emotional rollercoaster at all. (NC Rocks by the way -- should have done this weeks ago!)

I think I need IC. Honestly (and I can be honest here right?) I think I hold myself back from H in a way to protect my heart - even though he's probably the last person it needs protection from. Deep down, I just don't feel worthy of the love he gives me, so I subconsciously look for ways to prove I am right and don't deserve it. But this situation is showing me real truth about who I am, what motivates my behavior, and what I would be giving up if I do not just let my heart go completely with H. I need to give up all these small resentments and other nitpicky crap that I hold onto to keep me from being my very most vulnerable. I need to realize everyone deserve unconditional love, even me.......
NC sucks.... but it gets better. Yeah, IC is a good idea. Self-introspection is not an easy thing, but it's important to do. Own that something is missing in you, causing you to have all these feelings. Realize that the feelings are okay, the actions are not.

And sadly, no, your story is a dime a dozen around here.
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Old 28th December 2017, 9:50 PM   #24
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What a difference...

So today I did this. Out loud I told H about my real, true, deep feelings. The ugly truth about me, our M and him specifically . How in the darkest corner of my soul, my self esteem allowed me to believe he wouldn't be with me if I wasn't the main source of income. That the little voice in my head kept telling me that I wasn't worthy of unconditional love -- and how I held myself back emotionally afraid that if I didn't provide that support OR he became the breadwinner, that he wouldn't feel the same about me and would dump me. (no matter how unrealistic this may sound, in my heart of hearts, this is how I felt).

How I resented being responsible for household chores, cleaning and cooking. How I did not feel valued. (I have nagged about housework and such but I guess never really spelled out my true feelings).

This was the worst ---- I told him I didn't respect him sometimes and I felt that might be affecting my sexual attraction to him and possibly always has.

To say he was flabbergasted was an understatement. He had no idea I had held all this in all of these years. How important some of these things are to me. (Honestly until I started posting here and doing some serious introspection, I couldn't fully identify the issues I had with H - too many years of holding it all in I guess?)

So today, I acted like an adult and communicated. I didn't admit to the EA but he eluded that he knew I was pulling away in the last few months, could feel me letting go and worried that I would leave him or find someone else. He said he was hoping that I would try to give us a chance before I did something stupid.
(For all those people in affairs thinking their spouse doesn't know, I call BS because I would now bet my favorite cat that he suspected from the instant I started talking to the ex what was going on, what could happen).

Limerence is real. Self esteem issues are real. True love is real - if we can love ourselves enough to accept it. IC here I come.
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Old 28th December 2017, 10:03 PM   #25
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So proud of you!

I know how hard that was, but it's really wonderful that you found the courage to open up with him. I hope the open communication continues and you find your way to a more satisfying and happy relationship. Marriages require regular maintenance - it's so easy to just put them on autopilot, but so dangerous.
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Old 28th December 2017, 11:18 PM   #26
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Originally Posted by lhgirl View Post
So today I did this. Out loud I told H about my real, true, deep feelings. The ugly truth about me, our M and him specifically . How in the darkest corner of my soul, my self esteem allowed me to believe he wouldn't be with me if I wasn't the main source of income. That the little voice in my head kept telling me that I wasn't worthy of unconditional love -- and how I held myself back emotionally afraid that if I didn't provide that support OR he became the breadwinner, that he wouldn't feel the same about me and would dump me. (no matter how unrealistic this may sound, in my heart of hearts, this is how I felt).

How I resented being responsible for household chores, cleaning and cooking. How I did not feel valued. (I have nagged about housework and such but I guess never really spelled out my true feelings).

This was the worst ---- I told him I didn't respect him sometimes and I felt that might be affecting my sexual attraction to him and possibly always has.

To say he was flabbergasted was an understatement. He had no idea I had held all this in all of these years. How important some of these things are to me. (Honestly until I started posting here and doing some serious introspection, I couldn't fully identify the issues I had with H - too many years of holding it all in I guess?)

So today, I acted like an adult and communicated. I didn't admit to the EA but he eluded that he knew I was pulling away in the last few months, could feel me letting go and worried that I would leave him or find someone else. He said he was hoping that I would try to give us a chance before I did something stupid.
(For all those people in affairs thinking their spouse doesn't know, I call BS because I would now bet my favorite cat that he suspected from the instant I started talking to the ex what was going on, what could happen).

Limerence is real. Self esteem issues are real. True love is real - if we can love ourselves enough to accept it. IC here I come.
Good for you OP. I think it's a step in right direction for now.

So you didn't tell him about EA? He claims he knew? What kind of an EA was it? Did you both announce your feelings for each other or was it assumed and understood by you and other person?
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Old 29th December 2017, 3:25 AM   #27
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Good for you OP. I think it's a step in right direction for now.

So you didn't tell him about EA? He claims he knew? What kind of an EA was it? Did you both announce your feelings for each other or was it assumed and understood by you and other person?
I didn't tell him anything, he just said he had noticed I was pulling away etc. in the last few months. I did not admit or deny anything.

I am now going to describe the EA as a married man looking for no strings attached fun on the side.
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Old 29th December 2017, 4:09 AM   #28
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Instead of criticizing the things you don't appreciate about your husband - why not get honest with him and tell him you're hypercritical of him because you've been focused on another man - a fantasy man/world he couldn't possibly compete with/live up to?

I think it's cruel you are critical of him knowing full well you've been emotionally attached to another man.


We don't need you to type more about your OM - that's the main problem - you're still focused on the OM and not how your husband must feel with you betraying him and your marriage.


Your "confession was self serving and you're still lying by omission. Get honest.
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Old 29th December 2017, 4:29 AM   #29
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lhgirl, I think it is an amazing feat to recognize our bad behavior and go even further to understand The Why behind how we are acting and its impact(s) and how to STOP doing those things and make an effort to be better. I agree with jjgitties and think it is great that you had this conversation with your husband, but I also agree with S2B that it was an opportunity for you to come totally clean with him and put ALL of your cards on the table.

With that said, coming clean and admitting that we have done wrong is scary as heck! I can understand not wanting to be the "bad guy" -it is NOT great. Right now, you know, and he may suspect. Your husband will know for certain that you have been a villain, and disclosure is likely to explode your life, relationship, etc. None of us can know what is best for you and your marriage. For now, you have made the decision not to disclose your affair. Many believe that relationships can rise from the ruins of an affair if people love each other and are willing to work to reconcile. Many people who do this will end up experiencing the best relationship of their lives... others aren't so lucky...

Ultimately, as you know, it's your call to make.
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