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Im craving a closure over ending an affair with a married man

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Old 4th November 2017, 9:24 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by burnt View Post
He already has given you closure. You are in too much pain, grief, and confusion to see it clearly now.

The best closure/gift he has given you is:
Showing you his real face.

1. He was married but was using a woman half his age for extra fun on the side.

2. When it came out, he dumped you without a single thought and put all his energy in his marriage and his wife--not YOU. You were a disposable temporary source of entertainment to him the whole time.

3. Despite knowing how much you have been suffering, instead of having the decency to reply with a single goodbye/closure message to help you move on and heal, he gave your last email to HIS WIFE so that she could deal with it and allowing her to send you a humiliating degrading nasty email back to you with a slap on your face. That's how little you mean to him. Now he is using his wife to clean up his dirty mess.

4. What is he doing right now? Most likely, telling his wife that SHE is the one who he loved all along, not YOU. He is probably telling her you meant nothing to him. He is having a fabulous life rebuilding his marriage right now. He used you to make his marriage better and to relieve himself from boredom. That's the kind of a man he is.

Closure is YOU realizing that you wasted your time on a man who is deceptive, a liar, cheater, a player, and cold-hearted selfish user.

Closure is YOU realizing that though you are in sheer helpless pain right now, in time you will get over him, but his WIFE will be forever stuck with such a characterless cheating man--not to mention she is actually protecting him thinking he was the poor victim in it all.

Closure is YOU realizing that an ugly story has finally ended and that such a useless toxic man is no longer part of your life. But now you have to work hard to repair--yourself and your marriage.

Stuckhereforgood, give it a bit of time. You will heal from this. You will NOT be stuck in here for good.
How's MM having a fabulous life rebuilding his marriage and how did his being with the OW make his marriage better? I would think that his marriage is worse now.
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Old 5th November 2017, 1:46 AM   #17
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Are you sure it's closure you're after?
It seems to me like you call it "closure", but what you really want is a different outcome.
BTW, I don't think it's rare at all. Imo, often people state, and even think, they want closure but what they really want is things to turn out different.
Maybe you're hoping that even if you don't end up together, there is something he can say or do to make you stop hurting.
Doesn not work that way.
Closure is a process, a long term one. I don't even think one can reach closure while still in pain and heartbreak over the relationship. It comes with time, with perspective, with insights- all the things a broken hearted person lacks.
Closure will not make you better right away. There is not one conversation that will spare you the pain.
I think it works the other way around, When you are better- and you will be- you will achieve closure by yourself.
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Old 5th November 2017, 3:21 AM   #18
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lftbehind, you posed this question to burnt, which I am hopeful will receive a response from the author:

Originally Posted by lftbehind View Post
How's MM having a fabulous life rebuilding his marriage and how did his being with the OW make his marriage better? I would think that his marriage is worse now.
I liked burnt's post, and would like to give my response on this perspective.

Most of us have no idea what is going on in the married partner's home; burnt gave a likely scenario. Whether or not the scenario is actually what's happening, reading such words sometimes help to shock Others living in fantasyland into the reality of their situations.

As an xOW, I, too, assume xMM is having a fabulous time - and has been all along - in his marriage, while I continue to struggle with processing what has happened. The difference is his wife has suspected, but doesn't know the truth, unlike Stuckherforgood's xMM's BW. I know for a fact that he has gaslighted her in the past. I have also felt that being with me "made his marriage better" as it supposedly allowed him to cope with (read: escape from) what he conveyed as a horrible situation. In actuality, of course, the affair was like a crude bandage with poisoned ointment.

On the other side of that coin, when the married couple is fully aware of an affair and are in true reconciliation, their bond is made stronger over time, based on what I have read on LoveShack to date. Thus, the marriage is actually worse, considering there was an affair and they are trudging through the muck, BUT in time, the marriage becomes better through true reconciliation. The xAP becomes a bad distant memory for both of them, if he or she is remembered at all.

Based on what Stuckhereforgood wrote, I can understand why burnt wrote that particular reply.

Last edited by Vivir; 5th November 2017 at 3:26 AM..
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Old 5th November 2017, 4:27 AM   #19
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I'm sure his marriage is no bed of roses at the moment. I'd also disagree with the view that he used you.

It was mutual to go down that road.

It's clear your husband isn't enough for you, so why are you still with him?

It must be a hit to his self esteem knowing you've been off with a man twice your age and likely a lot older than him.

It's now about acceptance and ensuring he and his wife do not file a harassment charge against you.

Seriously think about your marriage though.... because it probably isn't the right relationship for you.
'Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to'
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Old 15th November 2017, 6:37 AM   #20
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Its lies whilst in the affair.. what makes you think one would be interested in telling you the truth after it?. He stopped caring once you went past the line he drew, he wont give a shoot about you or your craving for closure.

Work on yourself, that will give some outcome atleast.
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Old 15th November 2017, 7:52 AM   #21
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This is probably about ego.
Faced with the fact this was "just" an affair, most women do not want to think of themselves as a "bit of fun" and the "side piece".
Bad marriage and a supposedly "besotted" older man raises the possibility of a better life.
Old, plain, boring, stupid wife vs young, vibrant, sexy, interesting OW.
No contest.

But he wasn't playing ball, he liked the status quo, so he needed a shake up.
Not content to just end things, the OW feels the need to put a bomb under his life so he has to make a choice and yes he WILL choose the OW.

Only he doesn't, he shuts her out of his life and scuttles back to the wife. It was a no contest right enough but not in the way envisaged.

The problem is that MM may indeed wish to leave their marriage, but few will leave for some other man's cheating wife, or a woman who is "happy" to sleep with him behind his wife's back. Hypocritical yes, but often true.

So not only has she lost the validation, comfort, "love" and support of the MM, her ego is severely dented too.
Maybe she didn't want the full blown leaving of the wife, but she at least wanted to see some emotion, some pleading, some begging, some indication he was gutted. Without that, she feels worthless, a little foolish maybe and cast adrift...

The closure being sought here is not really closure, it is really a desire for everything to go back to the way it was.
Once the furore dies down the MM may indeed resurface, but the rules have changed, if she accepts his offer of continuing the affair, it is on the condition she is his #2 and it will stay that way.
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Old 15th November 2017, 12:38 PM   #22
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Originally Posted by Stuckhereforgood View Post
I ended an affair with a married man who was almost twice my age and I called his wife to inform her that we are having an affair because at that time I thought that that was the only way that he would stop contacting me but I didn’t realize that I wasn’t ready for it, about a week I have there my best friend contacting him after seeing how depressed I was and basically what he told her that he wants nothing to do with me he wants no contact with me at all and he doesn’t want to hear for me ever, after about two months I tried contacting him by email apologizing for contacting his wife and compromising his marriage because I’m also married and wonder if there started we had the terms that we will not compromise each other‘s marriages but I received a nasty email in response from his wife instead of him. It’s been three months and I still can’t cope with that every single day I have an urge to contact him I drive by his job about twice a week just gathering my’s thoughts and just Step in to his office where he would have no choice but Closure to me that I need. I forgot to mention that I’m also married and a young mom...I have been severely depressed over the break up I’ve been seeing therapists and taking antidepressants and anti-anxiety he medications it doesn’t seem to be helping at all I’m just looking for some help on this website because I’m sitting here trying to compose an email to send him and reach out one more time to get the proper closure that I need for myself and for my health
Occasionally, I come to this forum to remind myself why my husband's AP was such a basketcase and treated me so strangely and badly (considering she was my sister-in-law). For the longest time, I couldn't get over the fact that she had no clue or care about me or how much I was suffering. Every, every, everything was about her—as if her pain was all that existed (nevermind the devastation she and he had caused in both our families), as if it was up to her whether we had contact or not, as if having her best friend contact my husband didn't count, as if she was the only victim. Only her needs mattered.

And because she was incapable of empathy, she was also incapable of understanding her own problems and the delusional thinking that had led her to make such painful choices for herself and, ultimately, for the rest of us sharing our lives with her at the time.

Reading this enables me to have a modicum of sympathy for her, however, and, of course, for her family. Affair fog is a state of mind that virtually cancels out any progress you've made toward personal autonomy and emotional maturity. So I realize you had to decide not to take responsibility for your life or for those you were, in fact, already legally and morally responsible for in order to keep up the destructive and unrealistic llongings.

You don't need "closure"; you need shock treatment to get back to earth and out of your narcissistic universe of me, me, me.

And, just out of curiosity, how do you know who is the father of your baby?
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