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I called in worse pain

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Old 29th October 2017, 12:32 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by What_Did_I_Do View Post
He was cold, hard and pointedly asked the question: what did you call me for. I didn't have an answer. Felt scolded (again) by the meanie school teacher. I hate him.
My affair was nowhere near as long as yours, so I always hesitate to weigh in on threads like these.

But what helped me move on was to remember times like this. Remember the sound of his cold, hard voice. Remember how, when you reached out at a vulnerable point, his reaction was to be cold and cruel. *That's* who he really is, and probably always was. You deserve better, WDID. So does his wife.
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Old 29th October 2017, 1:08 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by What_Did_I_Do View Post
Nothing good came from that call except more shame and embarrassment.
Not true.
Something good did come from that call. But you will need some time to realize the blessing in disguise that came from that call.
In time, you will be thankful that you made the call.

In time, when the grief and the pain subside enough, you will gain another perspective; that is:

You made the call in a moment of utter helplessness and desperation with NO support system in your life.

He, on the other hand, is not only in a comfortable place, but actually in a much MUCH stronger place than ever before--because not only does he have his family by his side, but also YOUR help for SEVEN years to make himself stronger and happier and more connected to his wife--all at the cost of your pain for that many years.

BUT it is only now that you get the final proof--that in your worst moment of pain, he returns your call with COLD indifference, as if you are a sheer bother to his life of luxury and convenience.

Remember This.
Remember This.
Remember This.

Remember how you felt hearing the sound of his cold voice at your moment of utter weakness.
Remember how you felt getting stabbed in the back by the man you loved for that many years.
Remember how you felt finally seeing his REAL face after so many years of pouring your heart to him.

In time,
it is this moment of brutal realization that will help you detach the last lingering attachments you still have to him.

You now know what he truly is under the superficial charm.

As another poster suggested,
despite the lack of support in your life, see if you can do some good and help out someone else in desperate need.

He creates pain in others who are already in pain.
So, you try to be someone who creates some touch of comfort in others who are already in pain.
Define yourself so that you are the exact opposite of him.

Hang in there.
It will take some time--but you will heal from this.
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Old 31st October 2017, 1:15 AM   #18
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Originally Posted by What_Did_I_Do View Post
I know, I know. How much I've read here on how that's the worst thing to do...and I did it. Was at work, couldn't post my torment on LS, so I called him instead. .
you have an addiction. in order to prepare for these moments of weakness you have to learn some tools to get you thru. one tool i learned is to: H.A.L.T.

when you feel hungry,angry, lonely or tired you are vulnerable to having a "slip".

and you did.

and yes, you will have to start over but hopefully he will not call back and set your recovery back further.

the most important thing is to prepare ahead of time for those moments.

it's pretty basic when it comes to hungry, angry and tired. but feeling lonely...that's where you need a buddy or like you said the ability to get online, even during work and log in to LS.

if it were me, i'd have gone into the bathroom with my phone, put the seat down and sat there reading LS or texting someone who will listen until i felt stronger.

good luck
take aim. reload.
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Old 31st October 2017, 12:19 PM   #19
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I hope this doesn't sound rite, but could you sign up to volunteer with a community group or other organization?

That way, you'll have something to keep your mind more occupied, you'll meet new " no tie to the affair" people and you may also find that you feel really good after helping others.

Another idea is to write him a letter every night. These are not to send, but to help you sort through all your feelings. Let everything out. All your hurt, anger and even the good stuff too. Once a week, review what you wrote and it will help you see that you are making progress, even if it seems really slow.

Also, make a plan for what you will do when you feel the urge to contact him, if he tries to get in touch with you. this way, you'll be able to feel a bit more in control of your situation. Don't forget to be kind to yourself and even reward yourself every time you reach another milestone, even if it's a small one.
"“there’s no better system than our own morality, not law, not science, not religion… just decency.”-R.M.
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Old 31st October 2017, 8:11 PM   #20
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Thank you all for your kind replies.

wmacbride - what a wonderful suggestion but I've volunteered so much in the past 15 years for so many great organizations, I'm simply burnt out and need a break. It was rewarding but came with severe consequences also (beginning of the end of my M as xH had no interest in joining me and really, really sadly is where I met xmm).

Reading here has become a way to bide time.

I'm out of the black hole...for today.

He's such an ***hole. I want to kick a pillow with his face on it!!
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Old 1st November 2017, 2:27 PM   #21
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Originally Posted by What_Did_I_Do View Post
Poppy, do you now feel some peace post long term A? I'm not chasing the elusive "happiness" rainbow, just want peace.

I wouldn't have called him if I had the opportunity to cry but couldn't go into that meeting with red and swollen eyes. Held that emotion in and then channeled it in a bad direction. NOTHING good comes from affairs. If we could only turn back time.
I will PM you WDID
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