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Old 23rd August 2017, 9:30 AM   #1
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pregnant

not sure how's my story's gonna be received

I met mm 6 months ago.. we met online and met up for a quick coffee not expecting anything, we didn't even know how each other looked like.
coffee turned into 4 hours chat turned into dinner late into night.. turned into a night spent with each other.
by day 3 of knowing each other, we were declaring love for each other... that we have never connected this way before. we met daily for chats and meals and basically in less than a month, a vague plan was outlined for the future.
to be in love this way.. we wanted a future with each other. so he started arranging things financially for his BS and child, and for us.. i had to plan on annuling my marriage. without going into much details, he sleeps separate rooms with his wife, and i stay apart from my husband at the moment. there is no doubt about anything because we know everything about each other. there was no incentive to lie. and in a way i wanted to go into this as truthful and honest as i could (irony i know), and he accepted everything about me.. i had a colorful history that even my ex-es or husband doesn't know at all.

the state of our current marriages was in such a disarray, passionless, yet comfortable zone that we both agreed it still will require deep courage to break away. we admitted that it would have been much easier to continue like that for the rest of our lives. and i would have done so, if i havent met him. but it took meeting each other to realize that it was a possibility to step out. and start a new life. even if it's hard. even if we had to be selfish, bad people.

i know we are the bad people here.. it's ****ing selfish. and ugly. these actions.. it causes me a lot of pain to have to have met him this way. and that i am now a ow who is destroying someone's family. we discussed at lengths at how unfair it is to the BS-es to be dragging this along (and not ending marriage immediately) but we needed this bit of time to make sure things could be settled as amicable as possible.

so back to that, our vague timeline agreed was to end both marriages by end of first quarter of 2018 (something to do with his child schooling plus my work schedule makes this a "good timing") so we proceeded and continued our relationship and he slowly planned on how to ensure his BS and child can be taken care of, and in spite of everything, i had hopes and i live my life as happy as i can everyday.

and now my post title.
i found out i am pregnant. about 6 weeks along only. it can only be his as i haven't had sex with my H for more than half a year.
he is ecstatic but heartbroken, that our first baby started under this circumstances. and that i cannot hold my head up yet, in front of other people.
we both talked about it and i decided we should keep things under wraps for first trimester. in case the pregnancy is not viable. and we will have to expose and have a DDay once first trimester is up. that makes it a mere 1-2 more months.

immediately he started making plans for things to speed up. and be ready for us once we expose. i'm extremely upset at how stressed it's making him, but never once have he suggested anything negative or displayed anything that would make me feel he is not okay with this.. he accompanied me to all the doctor visit so far and has been more than sweet.

but end of the day he is still an mm. we are both still married to other people.
and i'm freaking out at why did i let myself get to this stage. i would love to be able to end my marriage cleanly... and him end his. and we might even have a shot at a wonderful relationship. (we previously even talked about potential issues about having a relationship started from affair.. how we can deal with trust issues etc.)

now with the pregnancy, i'm struggling with hiding my constant nausea from my family... and sad that i can't share the news yet. and fearful of how my family will be disappointed in me when they found out i got pregnant with another man'a child while still legally married.
at the same time i am awestruck at the new life inside me. that even if things don't work out with mm, i would be thankful that i was given this blessing.

maybe it's the preggy hormones... things are still going as per planned. once i start showing, we will tell both families, and our lives will no longer be as we know it. is it hypocritical that i feel so so so bad for screwing up his life as he knows it? yet as the same time he is deeply apologetic for not being more responsible and putting me in this ill-timed situation, that i need to face my family and friends alone. and most of all we do deeply want this life inside me and to have a life together.

i'm just so scared and had been crying at the drop of a hat. it's stressful and i don't think it's good for the fetus if i continue to be this way. i just hope that with such an awful beginning, we could even have a shot at making things work.....

Last edited by gonnabeflamed; 23rd August 2017 at 9:32 AM..
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Old 23rd August 2017, 9:35 AM   #2
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Forget your MM for a minute. You have bigger fish to fry right now.

Go see a divorce lawyer. Lay this whole sordid story out for the lawyer. Find out what your losses are going to be. Then go home, tell your husband that you want a divorce & that you are pregnant. Make arrangements to move out by the weekend. Your betrayed husband at least deserves the stability of getting to be the one who stays put in the short term; whether you are entitled to proceeds from the sale of the house is an issue for another day.

Assume that your MM is going to wind up with his wife. Get your divorce lawyer to explain child support to you.

Your 1st priority has to be this baby now.

If you don't want all of that, consider adoption or abortion
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Old 23rd August 2017, 10:06 AM   #3
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It's good that your MM is speeding things up if you two plan to be together with the baby that is growing inside of you. When do you plan to tell your spouses about this?
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Old 23rd August 2017, 10:10 AM   #4
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Yes. Agree with previous poster, please seek to protect your child (do you have children with your current husband?). It is encouraging hearing that MM is making plans, but talk can be cheap... And things can turn very quickly when things get out into the light. Especially if he already has a child with his BS. We all want to believe what the other person says, and maybe he/she truly believes it in his/her bones when they say it. Completely different story when it comes right down to it.

But because you are pregnant, get to an attorney now. Protect yourself and your baby.
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Old 23rd August 2017, 10:24 AM   #5
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Not much to say except that I hope it works out for you.

Not a good way to bring a new life into the world... my heart breaks for your respective spouses and his other child.

Not sure I would ever trust a married man who professed his love to me three days in... No, actually - I KNOW, I would never trust a married man who I met online and professed his love so quickly. But, I do hope that you find some happiness.
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Old 23rd August 2017, 10:30 AM   #6
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Well, it's definitely going to be a rollercoaster.

My advice - tell your husband as soon as possible. Whatever happens with your pregnancy (viable or not), take it as a sign that you and your husband clearly need to be out of this marriage.

It's not going to be easy. There will be a lot of drama, there will be a lot of judgment and there will be a lot of tears. I think it's something that you need to prepare yourself for. I really wish you all the luck in the world and would offer more advice, but currently there is just no possible way to predict which way this is going to go.
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Old 23rd August 2017, 12:22 PM   #7
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Actions speak louder than words. This mantra is so true when you are in an affair. For the past six months, you've been in the "bubble" that an affair creates - meeting your soulmate, planning a future together, etc. It is very intoxicating.

You need to focus on yourself and your future. MM may not be part of that future. Saying you are ending your marriage and actually ending your marriage are two very different behaviors.

You need to find out what caused you to have an affair in the first place. You need to decide if you want to keep this baby. And, if your marriage is over, then tell your husband and be prepared to be a single parent. If MM does not end his marriage, there is a good chance he will not have a relationship with your child.
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Old 23rd August 2017, 1:31 PM   #8
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(((gonna))) Kudos to you for coming here for advice. Sorry that you are in a tough spot. Things WILL get better. We are here for you.

Not all MM behave as dispicably as cloudy's, but it is also true to say that few leave their marriages, even if, at times, they say they want to. However, from what you have written, your MM seems as resolute and determined as any I have read about. It seems like he is serious about being with you and, as yet, had not done any backtracking, mind games or delaying.

It's difficult for us, who have heard about so many heartbreaking stories, not to be sceptical about this, but I would say you have as good a chance as any of making this happen. That said, you'd be very wise to take on board all the advice from all these posts about getting legal help and being very very cautious. While you still have your dream, be prepared for the possibility that it may not happen. And whatever happens, be kind and respectful to your H. Concentrate on H, yourself and that little life inside you for now. Let MM sort his side of things out and give each other space.

Keep posting, it's a frightening place where you stand, but you'll be ok. We are here
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Old 23rd August 2017, 3:21 PM   #9
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Quote:
i had to plan on annuling my marriage.
What have you done to make this happen? I echo the advice that you should see a lawyer and end your marriage as quickly as possible. It's not fair to potentially burden your husband with someone else's child.
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Old 23rd August 2017, 3:41 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gonnabeflamed View Post
not sure how's my story's gonna be received

I met mm 6 months ago.. we met online and met up for a quick coffee not expecting anything, we didn't even know how each other looked like.
coffee turned into 4 hours chat turned into dinner late into night.. turned into a night spent with each other.
by day 3 of knowing each other, we were declaring love for each other... that we have never connected this way before. we met daily for chats and meals and basically in less than a month, a vague plan was outlined for the future.
to be in love this way.. we wanted a future with each other. so he started arranging things financially for his BS and child, and for us.. i had to plan on annuling my marriage. without going into much details, he sleeps separate rooms with his wife, and i stay apart from my husband at the moment. there is no doubt about anything because we know everything about each other. there was no incentive to lie. and in a way i wanted to go into this as truthful and honest as i could (irony i know), and he accepted everything about me.. i had a colorful history that even my ex-es or husband doesn't know at all.

the state of our current marriages was in such a disarray, passionless, yet comfortable zone that we both agreed it still will require deep courage to break away. we admitted that it would have been much easier to continue like that for the rest of our lives. and i would have done so, if i havent met him. but it took meeting each other to realize that it was a possibility to step out. and start a new life. even if it's hard. even if we had to be selfish, bad people.

i know we are the bad people here.. it's ****ing selfish. and ugly. these actions.. it causes me a lot of pain to have to have met him this way. and that i am now a ow who is destroying someone's family. we discussed at lengths at how unfair it is to the BS-es to be dragging this along (and not ending marriage immediately) but we needed this bit of time to make sure things could be settled as amicable as possible.

so back to that, our vague timeline agreed was to end both marriages by end of first quarter of 2018 (something to do with his child schooling plus my work schedule makes this a "good timing") so we proceeded and continued our relationship and he slowly planned on how to ensure his BS and child can be taken care of, and in spite of everything, i had hopes and i live my life as happy as i can everyday.

and now my post title.
i found out i am pregnant. about 6 weeks along only. it can only be his as i haven't had sex with my H for more than half a year.
he is ecstatic but heartbroken, that our first baby started under this circumstances. and that i cannot hold my head up yet, in front of other people.
we both talked about it and i decided we should keep things under wraps for first trimester. in case the pregnancy is not viable. and we will have to expose and have a DDay once first trimester is up. that makes it a mere 1-2 more months.

immediately he started making plans for things to speed up. and be ready for us once we expose. i'm extremely upset at how stressed it's making him, but never once have he suggested anything negative or displayed anything that would make me feel he is not okay with this.. he accompanied me to all the doctor visit so far and has been more than sweet.

but end of the day he is still an mm. we are both still married to other people.
and i'm freaking out at why did i let myself get to this stage. i would love to be able to end my marriage cleanly... and him end his. and we might even have a shot at a wonderful relationship. (we previously even talked about potential issues about having a relationship started from affair.. how we can deal with trust issues etc.)

now with the pregnancy, i'm struggling with hiding my constant nausea from my family... and sad that i can't share the news yet. and fearful of how my family will be disappointed in me when they found out i got pregnant with another man'a child while still legally married.
at the same time i am awestruck at the new life inside me. that even if things don't work out with mm, i would be thankful that i was given this blessing.

maybe it's the preggy hormones... things are still going as per planned. once i start showing, we will tell both families, and our lives will no longer be as we know it. is it hypocritical that i feel so so so bad for screwing up his life as he knows it? yet as the same time he is deeply apologetic for not being more responsible and putting me in this ill-timed situation, that i need to face my family and friends alone. and most of all we do deeply want this life inside me and to have a life together.

i'm just so scared and had been crying at the drop of a hat. it's stressful and i don't think it's good for the fetus if i continue to be this way. i just hope that with such an awful beginning, we could even have a shot at making things work.....

So you met a guy, and three days later he was willing to stick a knife ( proverbial) into the back of his bs and children?

Really think about that for a minute.

You can never ever EVER depend n this guy. Never. I say that because as soon as he's bored with you ( and I can assure, he told his wife the same-words he's not telling you).

Now you're pregnant. Your first step is to TELL YOUR HUSBAND. I mean no offense to you when I say this, but right ow, your feelings will have to take a back seat. Not to mention the fact that if you are still married when the baby's born,it could lead to a whole lot more heartache.

Next, sort out what you want to do Your decision should be based on what's best for the new baby, not your m and not you either. Normally, I would say that you should take all the time you need to grieve, but one of the first lessons you are going to learn as a parent is that you have to put your child first.

As for him not sleeping with his wife anymore? That is one of the oldest line in the cheater's handbook. He's likely telling her everyday how much he loves her. Do no believe him and don't think that just because you aren't still sleeping with your husband,he's not sleeping with is wife.

Right now, you have enough to worry abut without adding him to the pile. Rest, take care of yourself, eat well and move on.
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Old 23rd August 2017, 3:46 PM   #11
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Not much to say except that I hope it works out for you.

Not a good way to bring a new life into the world... my heart breaks for your respective spouses and his other child.

Not sure I would ever trust a married man who professed his love to me three days in... No, actually - I KNOW, I would never trust a married man who I met online and professed his love so quickly. But, I do hope that you find some happiness.
OP,
This is a situation that is going to come to a head sooner or later. If you really want the truth of your situation, tell his wife what's going on. All of his crap about wanting to make it easy on his bs and child is just that...crap. It's never going to be the right time to tel them, and it is always going to be painful for her, and if his plan is to make her so unhappy she will want to leave, well, how would you feel about that?

Also, I would highly suggest you get some therapy to help you figure out how you got yourself into his situation. It's going to be hard, but you'll surprise yourself at how tough you can be.
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Old 23rd August 2017, 3:55 PM   #12
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Indeed. Any man, who professes his love after three days and makes plans to leave his wife and start a life with you after just a few months should raise some big red flags.

Now, when this is a married man... Well, those flags can be seen from the international space station.

OP, I'm sure you will say that the marriage was bad, and they don't have sex, and that you have never had these feelings before about anyone... But that is the blissful honeymoon of any relationship, otherwise referred to as "affair fog." Just wait.

Not going to say that it won't work for you and you won't get your happy ending, but forgive us when we all say we are sceptical that this will be what you plan.

First and foremost, as has been said... Think about the fact that you are engaged with a married man who met a stranger on the Internet and three days after meeting this woman, professed his love and decided he was ready to walk away from his family. As they say - if he will do it with you, he will do it to you.

I say this not as a wife or a betrayed spouse, but as a woman who can not imagine trusting my life or the life of my child, to a man who would do this to another human being.

I don't mean to rain on your parade. Truly. Do I expect that you will consider any of these warnings given your current state of hormonal bliss, sadly no. I do hope that it works out for you because you seem like a nice woman. But, it will be a roller coaster, that's for sure.

Last edited by BaileyB; 23rd August 2017 at 4:44 PM..
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Old 23rd August 2017, 4:44 PM   #13
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Ok you met online but both of you are married, so was this an Ashley Madison "looking for an affair" kind of a meet or some dating app?

So it turned into a hook up and since then you have been in an affair.
It was hardly the most auspicious of starts and now you are pregnant.
Bareback sex with a MM when you were not sleeping with your husband was not very clever and certainly limits your options here.
You are in trouble deep.

Even if this is "love", then after only 6 months of dating, not many men would want to take this on, far less a married one with an existing child.

I am not saying this is necessarily doomed, but you need to seriously consider that you may well be left on your own here.
Can you afford to be a single parent?
If not then adoption or abortion may be your only real choices and you certainly do not want a late abortion, as that would be very traumatic for you. Up to 9 weeks a medical abortion is often pretty straightforward, after nine weeks, you may need a hospital stay or an op.
So you need to get the wheels in motion pretty fast. Do not dilly dally.
He may be all gung-ho at the moment, but once the enormity of the situation hits home, do not be surprised if he reneges and suggests you get an abortion due to "poor timing" or "its for the best".

YOU need to clarify your situation ASAP.
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Old 23rd August 2017, 5:28 PM   #14
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There's every chance he'll leave his wife and set up home with you. This may have been his exit affair, as telling you he'd leave her so early on in the affair.

The timing isn't great and I suspect a baby at this stage is going to cause an acrimonious divorce if his wife finds out. She may well make it hell for him and that will put financial pressure on you both.

If he doesn't tell her, then your baby becomes a secret to some extent .

I think you stand a better chance at the relationship without the baby. As it is, you won't get the chance to have a relationship that's not secret, just the two of you ...and will be stuck with the pressure of a new baby.

A baby puts pressure on relationships at the best of times anyway, but you're going to have the added pressure of not having been a proper couple to begin with.

His wife will be peeved. ...it has to be explained to his child /children. ...very messy.

Much as you say you're both in love. ...The baby could be what breaks you. Too much too soon.
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Old 23rd August 2017, 6:48 PM   #15
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To say you are in a difficult situation is an understatement...

I agree with the other posters... your priority is to take care of this baby inside you. Whether or not the pregnancy is viable, you need to have some serious conversations with your husband about your future.

And then I agree with the others about finding out your rights...

I really hope your story is different, but it reads like the countless others on here. If you've done some reading, you've probably seen it, so please understand why so many of us are cynical about your situation.

Your MM is lots of words, now let's see him man up and actually follow through. Then he would be different from the majority of MM we see here.

Please keep us posted and remember your priority is take care of yourself and your baby.
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