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Beginning to find strength to end affair


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Hi everyone. First time posting on these boards, and man, am I glad I've found them as I desperately need an outlet for this situation, and there is nobody in real life I can talk to.

 

This is going to be a real brain dump, but basically I am on the brink of ending a 5 month affair with a MM. I am a MW, and always considered my marriage to be happy-ish until the MM came into my life. I say happy-ish, because on a day to day basis we're happy. But I feel there could be more intimacy, and I think this is the crux as to why I've got myself into this situation.

 

Me and MM been friends for 2 years, met through a volunteer role we both do. I always liked him, but would never have engaged in anything. Back last year things changed slightly and we got closer, then he confessed to having feelings for me. I was steadfast in my situation, and even though by this point I had started to get feelings for him too, I explained I'd never be unfaithful to my husband. He pursued me for months and eventually my resolve broke and we embarked on a physical affair.

 

At first it was so exciting, and I went through the situation of making excuses for my behavior. Even though there is none, it was to make myself feel better. Lately I've been feeling it's all too much to cope with. I'm sure the reason I got myself into this is down to self-esteem issues. I liked the attention, I liked the chase, I liked the compliments. But I cannot continue with this. I can't continue to go behind my husbands back, I know it has to end. There's no scope for either of us to leave our partners, and that was said from the very beginning. I don't want to leave my husband, and whereas I think his marriage is in a worse place than mine, he won't leave his wife. That has always been a relief to me.

 

BUT, then comes the fear of it ending. I'll miss him, I'll miss our chats, I'll miss the attention he gives me. I know I need to accept this, it will hurt and it will be crap for a while, but I know I need to accept that and move on with my life. Re-focus on my husband and all the things I enjoy, instead of constantly checking my phone for messages from him. Which give me a very momentary high, to soon be replaced by a low of not hearing from him again.

 

So, that's where I am right now. Knowing it needs to end but just plucking up that last bit of courage to do it. I know I have to, but at this very precise moment in time it hurts just a little too much. I know we won't sleep together again, last time it happened I told myself it wouldn't happen again and I feel strong in that respect. I'm just hurting over how much I'll miss the contact with him. And it might sound daft, but I don't want to hurt his feelings either. Whilst I'm not kidding myself I'm in love with him, we are good friends and I do care about him.

 

Thank you for reading, please no judgement. From what I've read already you all seem such a supportive community. And I know what I've done is wrong so I'm trying to take steps to rectify it.

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Wow, I had to check that I hadn't written this post myself and forgotten about it!

I really do understand your pain, I've been in the same situation for 3 years but now we've had to stop (mAP is pregnant by her husband) and it's so hard giving up even though the situation means there's no alternative but it'll be easier for you to do this now rather than later.

You've also got the opportunity to end this before the devastation of a Dday and if you don't stop there will be a Dday and any pain your suffering now will be nothing to the pain you and your family will feel after D day.

 

There's not much you can do to ease the pain of ending the affair as I'm realising

I'd advise you to keep posting and keep reading other posts as you'll soon realise your not on your own.

Be strong it'll be worth it

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loveisanaction

Cas, I’m glad you understand that you have to end your affair with your married man.

 

No marriage is happy all the time, happy-ish is what most married couples experience on a daily basis. Any couple who is not satisfied with happy-ish will need to put more into the marriage; going out and having an affair is a cop out. It’s much easier to find somebody else to sleep with than it is to roll up your sleeves and put in the work hard it takes so that your marriage can go from happy-ish to very very happy.

 

You need to pucker up the courage and immediately tell your affair partner that it’s over. Tell him that you will no longer be giving him your body. You will not be hurting his feelings, you will be honoring the vows you made to your husband; even if his feelings are hurt your husband’s feelings come before anybody else’s.

 

Stop giving your body to a man who has not made an honest woman out of you. Your husband married you and built a home with you, he made a vow to you and even though your marriage is only happy-ish at least you have a good man to go home to every night.

 

Do not insult your husband because you want to experience excitement, butterflies in your stomach and mushy- text messages from a man who would throw you under the bus in a NY minute if this affair was busted wide open by his wife.

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I'm going to be blunt and say it sounds more like you're ending it because you're afraid of getting caught than because you are truly remorseful. The fastest and easiest way to end the affair would be to tell both your and his spouse's but I'm assuming that's not on your agenda, which means you need twice the resolve to figure out how to hide your lies while reinvesting in your marriage.

 

I am a MW, and always considered my marriage to be happy-ish until the MM came into my life. I say happy-ish, because on a day to day basis we're happy. But I feel there could be more intimacy, and I think this is the crux as to why I've got myself into this situation.

 

Welcome to long term marriage. Did you ever express to your husband that you wanted more intimacy, or was there enough to be satisfied and it was only when you got the ego kibbles from your AP that your husband suddenly appeared inadequate? This is called "rewriting marriage history"

 

At first it was so exciting, and I went through the situation of making excuses for my behavior. Even though there is none, it was to make myself feel better. Lately I've been feeling it's all too much to cope with. I'm sure the reason I got myself into this is down to self-esteem issues. I liked the attention, I liked the chase, I liked the compliments.

 

Anyone expecting butterflies and champagne for an eternity will be eternally disappointed in marriage. How would you feel if it was your husband who was getting butterflies from someone other than you because he couldn't be bothered to tell you he felt neglected and decided it was OK to get it from someplace outside the marriage?

 

He pursued me for months and eventually my resolve broke and we embarked on a physical affair.

 

Would the "neglect" your husband felt be a result of him realizing he wanted more only after some OW pursued him? Also, do you honestly think your MM is that unhappy in his marriage or was he "happyish" until he found a new hallway to throw his wiener around in?

 

I'm just hurting over how much I'll miss the contact with him. And it might sound daft, but I don't want to hurt his feelings either.

 

This man has no regard for anyone's feelings but his own, nor do you at this time.

 

"I'm hurting."

"I'll hurt if my boyfriend is hurt."

"I hurt because I am hurting my husband."

 

With enough time and space you will see that you both took advantage of an opportunity that wouldn't have been present had you made better choices in the beginning. I suggest you read "NOT Just Friends" by Shirley Glass - it will help you get a grip on reality. Then, read How to Help Your Spouse Heal by Linda MacDonald (it's free online - paste this link in your search bar lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf)

 

Once you start thinking clearly again you'll think in terms of:

 

"I'm hurting everyone, including my boyfriend's wife."

"If my boyfriend is hurt it's his own fault because he got involved with an affair and I am not responsible for his feelings."

"I betrayed my husband and I feel guilt, shame, regret, sadness, and remorse."

 

You need to stop focusing on YOU and work on your marriage. You owe your husband a lot for taking the last 5 months away from him and you need to learn how to rebuild the rest of a "happyish" marriage.

 

I have two tips for you to get a jumpstart.

 

1) Write some letters, in this order: First, an apology letter to your AP's wife. You don't have to send it, but write a true, heartfelt, sincere apology. Second, an apology letter to your husband. Last, a letter of advice to your sister or best friend giving them advice if they came to you with the exact same problem you are having. I think you will find it enlightening.

 

2) To start focusing on your betrayed husband instead of your AP, every time you look at your phone to send him a text, send something to your husband instead - a joke, a compliment, an invitation for a date, a picture of your boobs. If you miss your AP and wish he could hug you, ask your husband for a hug. If you're feeling horny, jump your husband.

 

PS I suggest getting tested for STIs if you were having unprotected sex - even though you think you *know* him, you really don't.

Edited by Lobe
disabling hotlink, grammar
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MidnightBlue1980
Back last year things changed slightly and we got closer, then he confessed to having feelings for me. I was steadfast in my situation, and even though by this point I had started to get feelings for him too, I explained I'd never be unfaithful to my husband. He pursued me for months and eventually my resolve broke and we embarked on a physical affair.

 

I don't want to leave my husband, and whereas I think his marriage is in a worse place than mine, he won't leave his wife. That has always been a relief to me.

 

.

 

1. It typically starts like this - married guy confessed feelings for married woman who suddenly realized she is not happy and returns his feelings. The reality is the MM is probably telling lots of women he likes them to see what sticks.

 

2. You did not mention love and you seem to be fine with him not leaving his wife. My advice is to get out now because that is next and if you read these threads, its a new kind of hell.

 

Welcome to LS

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I will say there really is t anything you can do to rectify the situation. The only thing you can do is move forward.

 

Things an only get more complicated, and possibly really bad for you. The complicated is what has happened. You are getting really emotionally invested.

 

The worse can be much worse and have life implications for you. What if his wife finds out? What will your husband do if he finds out? Will he ever trust you again? What will your kids think, if you have any.

 

I came here myself as an angry and bitter betrayed wife. So I am not innocent myself, because I had a PA with my exhusband a long while ago. I hurt my now husband so very much. At the time I justified it, but there was no excuse.

 

Anyhow, after reading the stories of OW's, I was filled with empathy at the heartbreak these women edured. I saw that the stories were similar, as others will tell you.

 

Now as a bitter and betrayed wife, due to a husband who had an emotional affair, not physical as far as I know, I did some things that I am not proud of. I messaged the OW's husband, parents, mutual friends, and kids. I forwarded every single correspondence and every piece of info that I had.

 

I did that because I was angry, hurt, and feeling betrayed. If my kids were going to suffer through divorce, then I didn't care what implications it had on her life. Not a moment I am proud of in the slightest.

 

Then I told my husband to leave. To get out and never contact me again. Period. That I was not sorry for what I had done, and never would be. I realized my self worth and didn't need it. I wasn't going to use the kids against him, I just didn't want him anymore.

 

He begged, he pleaded. On his own he told the other woman she was a mistake that he wasn't going to lose his wife for. To never contact him again. She was rightfully angry at this the most. We have moved past that, but he knows now that if I will and can walk away.

 

My point in telling you my story is that your affair can blow up in a really bad way. You and your husbands marriage could shatter. And in the end, your lover may walk away in a heartbeat.

 

Be strong and walk away with your dignity and marriage in tact, on your terms .

Edited by SnowBaby
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You and your husbands marriage could shatter. And in the end, your lover may walk away in a heartbeat.

 

Be strong and walk away with your dignity and marriage in tact, on your terms .

 

Great post by SnowBaby. It's just the last couple of sentences that I have a different take on. IMHO, her marriage is already shattered. Her spouse just doesn't know it yet. Dignity and honesty often walk hand in hand. She can walk away from this affair (and I really hope she does for her sake), but without total honesty any efforts to rebuild her "marriage" will be akin to building a foundation in sand.

 

Cas, let me ask you this. If the shoe were on the other foot, and it was your spouse who was having an affair, would you feel you had the right to know so you could make decisions in your own best interests?

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Firstly, many, many thanks for all your input into this. I've been feeling rather fragile so wanted to wait a bit to reply. There's a few points I'd like to address, I hope I cover them all.

 

Firstly Lobe, I'm not ending it because I'm scared of getting found out. I'm wanting to end it because what I'm doing is wrong. And whatever self esteem issues I may have will not be resolved by seeking attention elsewhere. I know that.

 

I know marriage isn't always easy. I've been married for 12 years now and it's certainly been rocky at times. But looking back, it's overall been all good. Yes the non-intimacy thing has been discussed and is not a knee-jerk way of me justifying my affair. It's been a long standing issue between me and my husband. Not a deal breaker, not at all, but still an issue nevertheless.

 

You're 100% right when you say I need to focus on my marriage. And the point you make about how would I advise a friend in my situation is such a valid one. I'd totally tell any friend to end it, and concentrate on what they have.

 

I don't love my AP, I don't want to leave my husband and I don't want him to leave his wife. And I don't want ever want to get to that point either, so it's more reasons why I have to end it.

 

Malvern99 that's an interesting question, and food for thought. But I'm not going to tell my husband about this. I think it would be different if I wanted to leave him, but I don't. And I am going to end this and concentrate on what I have. And if the boot were on the other foot and he felt the same way about it as I do, I think I'd prefer not to know. Different strokes for different folks, but that's how I feel about it.

 

Thanks again all for your input. I do appreciate how non-judgmental you've all been. I am so, so lucky to have a husband who loves and cares for me, I need to concentrate on that. Not on getting a quick ego boost elsewhere.

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I wish you the best of luck Cas. I just hope you have it in you to try and rebuild your marriage while your AP constantly lurks in your head. If you can't excise AP completely, I just don't see how a marriage can recover because unbeknownst to your spouse, he is in a competition with a ghost with zero chance of winning. In an affair, everything is exciting because it is taboo. Affairs have no room for real life to intrude. Bills, children, illnesses, regular everyday problems ... none of those matter in an affair because participants are caught in a world of unicorns and fairy dust. Transitioning from unicorn world back to the real world on your own will be one of the hardest things you will ever do if it is even possible. Look at it this way... you say you are done with the affair, and that is good. However, what will happen in 1 week, month or year when you get bored again and AP comes sniffing around (and trust me he will)? If this stays hidden, what controls do you have in place to stop yourself from falling back in? Affairs thrive in the dark. Sunlight disinfects and allows people to rebuild from a clean base. How will you not live in constant fear of your BH finding out? That kind of paranoia is no way to live... wondering if every bad mood he is in means he suspects or he found out.

 

I advocate disclosure for many reasons, but one of the main ones is the fact that you will need real life support to navigate your new reality. You can't get that support by withholding the truth, because like it or not, there are and will continue to be 3 people in your marriage. Romantic relationships are a zero sum game. Each of us has a finite amount of energy to pour into them, and every second you spend thinking about AP is a second you take away from your family. You can't have your cake and eat it too. You must choose between living authentically or living with this sword always dangling over your head, because what will you do if your AP's wife catches him either in this affair or his next one and he spills the beans about everything? Ultimately though, the choice and the consequences are yours alone. Good luck.

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Have you ever voiced your marital issues with your husband? Ever suggested some counseling to get things back on track? I don't see how diving into an affair was gonna help your situation.

 

Are you ever gonna disclose to your husband your "indiscretions" with this man? I don't think you can think of working on your marriage before you start to get honest... especially with the one person you vowed to be TOTALLY honest and truthful with. Your marriage will still be a sham if you don't admit to your faults and take a more responsible route.

 

 

And before you come out and give the standard cheater mantra- "I don't want to hurt my husband." You already have, he just doesn't know it, yet.

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Cas, I’m so sorry you’ve ended up in the situation you have but it’s good that you recognize that what you’re doing is wrong. That’s half the battle right there because you can’t change what you won’t accept. By acknowledging that you’re doing the wrong thing I believe means you’re genuine about getting help and rectifying the situation. Does that mean it’s going to be easier cutting the affair off, unfortunately no but I believe you have the courage it takes to end it and reinvest back into your marriage.

 

I’m sorry you fell into the trap of seeking something, whether physical or emotional, in someone other then your husband. While I don’t want to make excuses for your behavior, as much as it takes two to make a marriage work, it also takes two to break one, so I feel there was probably some complacency or neglect on your husbands side (whether unintentional or not) that probably contributed to your actions. With this in mind I’d advise you to seek some professional marriage counseling with your husband to fix those problems so that neither one of you is lacking in any area within your marriage. Otherwise even if you cut this affair off but don’t take care of the root of the problem you’ll be more likely to falter back to your BF (or someone else) when you hit another rough patch in your marriage.

 

I hope this was helpful for you and I hope everything works out for you and your husband. Take care!

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Re-focus on my husband and all the things I enjoy, instead of constantly checking my phone for messages from him. Which give me a very momentary high, to soon be replaced by a low of not hearing from him again.

 

I'm not sure this helps, but realize it's a real chemical addiction- these highs and lows. Your brain has been trained to respond this way over time, based on his lack of availability. In light of that, I think sometimes we mistake this addictive response to an actual emotional pull... it might not really be.

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Hi everyone. First time posting on these boards, and man, am I glad I've found them as I desperately need an outlet for this situation, and there is nobody in real life I can talk to.

 

This is going to be a real brain dump, but basically I am on the brink of ending a 5 month affair with a MM. I am a MW, and always considered my marriage to be happy-ish until the MM came into my life. I say happy-ish, because on a day to day basis we're happy. But I feel there could be more intimacy, and I think this is the crux as to why I've got myself into this situation.

 

Me and MM been friends for 2 years, met through a volunteer role we both do. I always liked him, but would never have engaged in anything. Back last year things changed slightly and we got closer, then he confessed to having feelings for me. I was steadfast in my situation, and even though by this point I had started to get feelings for him too, I explained I'd never be unfaithful to my husband. He pursued me for months and eventually my resolve broke and we embarked on a physical affair.

 

At first it was so exciting, and I went through the situation of making excuses for my behavior. Even though there is none, it was to make myself feel better. Lately I've been feeling it's all too much to cope with. I'm sure the reason I got myself into this is down to self-esteem issues. I liked the attention, I liked the chase, I liked the compliments. But I cannot continue with this. I can't continue to go behind my husbands back, I know it has to end. There's no scope for either of us to leave our partners, and that was said from the very beginning. I don't want to leave my husband, and whereas I think his marriage is in a worse place than mine, he won't leave his wife. That has always been a relief to me.

 

BUT, then comes the fear of it ending. I'll miss him, I'll miss our chats, I'll miss the attention he gives me. I know I need to accept this, it will hurt and it will be crap for a while, but I know I need to accept that and move on with my life. Re-focus on my husband and all the things I enjoy, instead of constantly checking my phone for messages from him. Which give me a very momentary high, to soon be replaced by a low of not hearing from him again.

 

So, that's where I am right now. Knowing it needs to end but just plucking up that last bit of courage to do it. I know I have to, but at this very precise moment in time it hurts just a little too much. I know we won't sleep together again, last time it happened I told myself it wouldn't happen again and I feel strong in that respect. I'm just hurting over how much I'll miss the contact with him. And it might sound daft, but I don't want to hurt his feelings either. Whilst I'm not kidding myself I'm in love with him, we are good friends and I do care about him.

 

Thank you for reading, please no judgement. From what I've read already you all seem such a supportive community. And I know what I've done is wrong so I'm trying to take steps to rectify it.

 

Hey, Cas

 

My goodness. This was almost my exact sitch 3 three years ago. Both married, friendly for many years, became closer in year or so leading up to A due to shared involvement in a civic organization. Our EA turned somewhat physical. I think you've had some great advice here already, especially from lobe who could easily have been analyzing my own situation. I've highlighted some of your post b/c it was exactly the same for me.

 

All I can add -- since I don't know you or your resolve -- is "on the brink" of ending the affair sounds a bit wishy-washy. I hope you're not waiting for the "right time" because it will never come. It will never get easier and as others have suggested could become downright devastating. You will miss the "highs" of your addiction (and it is one). You will cry over him as well as over what you've done to your M. You will miss his texts, his touch, his jokes, his ego kibbles terribly. You will also get over it in a matter of months. You are not filling out an application for medical school, you are not launching a new business, you are not pinning down a fertility cycle. You don't need a "plan" or the "right day." Don't wait until after his big meeting or his dog's birthday. Do it now. Just say something along the lines of "I enjoy your company, but this is wrong and isn't working for me. I'm sorry for my part in what we have done. Please respect my wishes for no further contact. I will not reply further to any communication from you." Then block him and go dark. Good luck to you!

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