muchlovetogive Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 Do you buy a Christmas gift for your MM? I wanted to find out how many women do this. Both sets of friends who do and don't support my relationship with MM all agree that I shouldn't buy him anything, but I do feel guilty as he is special to me and I would not like to be empty-handed when I see him for the holiday. I've known him for 1 year on and off, but we've been serious the past 5 months. He doesn't have a lot of money, but seems to enjoy splurging on gifts for his kids and others. I was nosy and got him to admit he was shopping for a Christmas gift for me yesterday. He told me he got me more than one thing. (His kids got at least 10 gifts each). When we got to my place, he asked me if I got him anything. I said nothing and he said what are you, cheap? It seems he is expecting something, and I would feel bad not having anything for him. My friend explained that I shouldn't buy him anything cuz I don't have any "status" with him and that he needs to work to keep me. She says I don't need to buy anything, or if anything I can get something small like a bottle of wine? What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
LimeBlue Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 I have given this much thought too. I want to give him something special from the heart. I had started putting together a handcrafted item which references the phrases and jokes which are personal between us. But after yesterday and what he said to me, I don't think I will do it. I will just leave it be. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 OhmyGod, NO. Do NOT do that. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author muchlovetogive Posted December 19, 2015 Author Share Posted December 19, 2015 OhmyGod, NO. Do NOT do that. But why not Popsicle?? Is it because I have no status to him? Link to post Share on other sites
WestEndGirl Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 Whenever I gave MM gifts, I erred on the side of safety and made charitable contributions in his honor, from me. That way, he received an acknowledgment from the nonprofit and knew that I was thinking of him. He's very much a do-gooder, so this was something that he appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 call his wife and get suggestions. Get a new friend. Status is rather blurred when engaged in this style of relations. tbh, some holiday gifts that last a lifetime cannot be wrapped or bought. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 But why not Popsicle?? Is it because I have no status to him? Yes, and you will regret it one day. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 Just being practical... If you give a gift will will have to remain secret. It's just another heart breaking way for his W to find out. Ugh! Not a good idea for so many reasons Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 My MM and I do exchange gifts (not just at Christmas). Over the years we've bought each other clothes, artwork, etc. But our go to is books. Sometimes two copies so we can read it together and discuss. Having said that... If you're not comfortable buying him a gift, then don't. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 I would tell him the truth. "While you're special to me, because I have no status in your life, I'm not comfortable shopping for you." If he still presses the issue, I'd get him a gift card. Or get a couple of gift cards you can use if he bails on you. Yes, MM and I did shop for each other. Christmas, birthday, special days. He had access to my Amazon and he would add things to the wish list. He also bought things from Amazon for me. And then there were times when he bought things I hadn't asked for. I did the gift card route a lot. Wife did most of his clothes shopping and he really didn't have any hobbies that I could contribute to. So, I had to buy him things that he could either use at work or that he would buy for himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 When we were in the affair we bought each other gifts often and so bought Christmas gifts. There were no issues with them. If you want to buy him something then do so. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 This gift will be a secret to all. Or he has to lie about it if asked. As you're getting serious with him.. why not splash out on something.. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 Why would you waste your money ? He will have to hide it or lie about it. Poppy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 We always exchanged gifts. It should be something you are both comfortable with though, so talk about it first, set some parameters. Link to post Share on other sites
Samhain Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 But why not Popsicle?? Is it because I have no status to him? No you don't have any status to him, his wife and kids have status, you're somebody he uses for sex on the side. Good for you 4 Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 No you don't have any status to him, his wife and kids have status, you're somebody he uses for sex on the side. Good for you way too harsh don't you think? No one really knows what somebody's status is to anyone, in this case not even the wife. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Samhain Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 way too harsh don't you think? No one really knows what somebody's status is to anyone, in this case not even the wife. Not harsh at all, if she had "status" he'd be with her and not his wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 Not harsh at all, if she had "status" he'd be with her and not his wife. Absolutely untrue. When I was in my affair the one who lost status was his ex wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 If he has gotten gifts for you, then I would buy him something. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
imsosad Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 Before the whole xmas gift thing,something you wrote caught my attention. You say it is getting serious between you. What do you mean? Are you spending xmas together?introducing each other to friends and family? I am not being mean.i was a MW/OW myself. My guess is,he is telling you alot of things that are really exciting to hear. Look at his actions:do they indicate at all that he is serious about you? Has he told his wife and asked for a D? Did he break it off with you so he can finalise things with his wife? Words are sweet,and i bet he has planty for you. They dont mean a thing,though,when he spends the holidays with the people he really cares about.actions,not words. I dont think you should get him anything. My exAP used to buy me gifts,bring flowers and such.i never got him anything,not even for his birthday. I could not pretend it was a normal R.exchanging gifts is normalising the situation. Good luck,whatever you decide to do. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 Reading your prior posts I see that your MM is a serial cheater and that he has actually had another OW since your affair began. I wouldn't buy him anything but if you feel you must, buy him condoms and a book about safe sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author muchlovetogive Posted December 20, 2015 Author Share Posted December 20, 2015 Anika, he did meet someone after we broke up. He said things were starting to get serious between us and he asked what the point was if our relationship couldn't grow. He felt selfish from keeping me from other guys who could take me out and wine and dine me whenever I wanted, so we agreed to stop. We did continue to have sex once a month, but the daily text messages stopped. During that period is when he met someone else. I'm not proud of going back with him after they stopped seeing each other, but to be fair, we weren't really "together" and talking all the time like before at the point he met someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author muchlovetogive Posted December 20, 2015 Author Share Posted December 20, 2015 Before the whole xmas gift thing,something you wrote caught my attention. You say it is getting serious between you. What do you mean? Are you spending xmas together?introducing each other to friends and family? I am not being mean.i was a MW/OW myself. My guess is,he is telling you alot of things that are really exciting to hear. Look at his actions:do they indicate at all that he is serious about you? Has he told his wife and asked for a D? Did he break it off with you so he can finalise things with his wife? Words are sweet,and i bet he has planty for you. They dont mean a thing,though,when he spends the holidays with the people he really cares about.actions,not words. I dont think you should get him anything. My exAP used to buy me gifts,bring flowers and such.i never got him anything,not even for his birthday. I could not pretend it was a normal R.exchanging gifts is normalising the situation. Good luck,whatever you decide to do. He had continued to see me after D-day, but when things started getting serious, we had to stop because our feelings were growing, but the relationship itself couldn't grow. We couldn't go anywhere, his phone was being monitored. I was frustrated. He has since moved to a relative's house. We started seeing each other again this summer and with more freedom. We go out where I've met his close friends. I've met his parents, who don't get along/talk to BW. He's was pushing me to go to a bday party for family member early on after reuniting, but I didn't yet feel comfortable to meet his extended family. I went to Thanksgiving at his parents' and he's coming down to see me on Christmas Day after he's finished with his family. He hasn't filed yet. In the beginning, he was worried about the kids, but now I think it might be financial. Whenever I ask if she's said anything, he said they haven't discussed anything. It just seems like they're ok with things as is, living apart and him going to see the kids on his days. I realize we don't have a normal relationship, where gift-giving is expected. He's gotten me gifts and flowers for my bday and a random gift too. But I do know he cares for me and I want to get him something too. But don't want to look stupid, like I'm head over heels over him, even though he probably knows I am. I think I probably will get him something :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 Anika, he did meet someone after we broke up. He said things were starting to get serious between us and he asked what the point was if our relationship couldn't grow. He felt selfish from keeping me from other guys who could take me out and wine and dine me whenever I wanted, so we agreed to stop. We did continue to have sex once a month, but the daily text messages stopped. During that period is when he met someone else. I'm not proud of going back with him after they stopped seeing each other, but to be fair, we weren't really "together" and talking all the time like before at the point he met someone else. You're missing the point...it doesn't matter that you were "broken up". What matters is that he pushed you away but continued to have sex with you--AND found someone else to replace you! The man is married! Having an affair because he has feelings for someone else is one thing, but he has proven that all he cares about is having a mistress. He found someone else who caught his eye so he convinced you that he was letting you go for your own good--and you bought it!--so of course he'll keep you around. I don't know what you want or expect out of this affair but if it involves having a man who loves you, you need to end it yourself because he doesn't. Make THAT a Christmas gift you give to yourself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
imsosad Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 Im sorry, but it seems to me he's making a fool.out of you. "Letting you go" for your own good,but still having sex with you? Honey,wake up. He found a great way to still have sex with you,without all the courting hassle. Plus,he found a third woman. Talk about cake eating! Dont get him anything. He already knows youve fallen hard for him and is taking advantage of it. How do you know he cares about you? Be smart. Use your head.Dont fall in to pattern. Do you mind if i ask,is there a significant age gap between you guys? I really know how hard it is to let go of him,but you are paying a bigger price by letting yourself be second and third best. Link to post Share on other sites
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