So torn

[csteel]

So, I met my husband when we were both 16. We had a child (son) at 20 years old. He is now 16. Last year I started an emotional affair with a married man at work. This happened because I was vulnerable as my husband has been pretty emotionally and verbally abusive to me for years now. I should have just got out of my marriage when that all started I know but I didn't know any better and didn't want my son to grow up in a divorced home.

 

The day after Valentine's day is the day my mother passes 7 years ago. We went night last year and H got completely obliterated wasted and disrespected me even though i kindly asked him to be nice to me as it was a hard enough day as it was (I know I shouldn't have to ask that). So I was ready to leave and went to get the car warmed up. He left me sitting out there for 45 minutes while he continued to drink. When he came out he could hardly walk or talk straight. I told him I hated when he did that and how annoying it was to have to be his parent. He then proceeded to tell me I was a Fat A$$ and that he could get 13 women that would just love to line up and suck him off. Told me he hated me and a bunch of other things on top of punching me in my arm. I should have left then and there but I did not. He has called me names in the past and I would get upset but would rug sweep it and just pretend it never happened. But in reality all it was doing was building up a huge wall of Anger and Resentment.

 

Shortly before that event I had started talking with a MM I work with. Mostly small talk. Come to find out we have a TON in common. I told him about what happened with my H and he was shocked someone that loved me would say and do such things. His support and kind words made me weak in the knees and butterflies in my stomach. Foolishly we started a full blown physical affair. I was caught and kicked out of my house. The A continued for a few months until I could no longer take being the side woman. And at the same time my H was begging me to come home, swearing up and down he would change. I just was not ready to go back home.

 

Fast forward one year after D day and I went back home to my husband and son to give it an honest try for reconciliation. No MC but I do go to IC every other week. I am learning a lot about myself. My H refuses to go and says counseling does nothing for him. He has told me in recent conversations that he is not happy, has anxiety because of me. He also said he had more fun while we were apart. I think us getting together so young and not experiencing different people opened his eyes.

 

Here is my dilemma, the MM is back to e-mailing me again saying how much he misses me and how he thinks of me every day. We went NC for 5 months straight and honestly there was not one single day that went by that I did not think about him. He wants to leave his wife and be with me. I don't know what to do! Any advise is much appreciated. I know I will get bashed for being unfaithful as well and I understand it was not a mistake but a choice I made.

[whatatangledweb]

I would get divorced. Your husband's anger and verbal abuse was bad before your affair. He will be worse now, sooner or later. Don't stay married if you are unhappy.

[ChancesAre24]

So, I met my husband when we were both 16. We had a child (son) at 20 years old. He is now 16. Last year I started an emotional affair with a married man at work. This happened because I was vulnerable as my husband has been pretty emotionally and verbally abusive to me for years now. I should have just got out of my marriage when that all started I know but I didn't know any better and didn't want my son to grow up in a divorced home.

 

The day after Valentine's day is the day my mother passes 7 years ago. We went night last year and H got completely obliterated wasted and disrespected me even though i kindly asked him to be nice to me as it was a hard enough day as it was (I know I shouldn't have to ask that). So I was ready to leave and went to get the car warmed up. He left me sitting out there for 45 minutes while he continued to drink. When he came out he could hardly walk or talk straight. I told him I hated when he did that and how annoying it was to have to be his parent. He then proceeded to tell me I was a Fat A$$ and that he could get 13 women that would just love to line up and suck him off. Told me he hated me and a bunch of other things on top of punching me in my arm. I should have left then and there but I did not. He has called me names in the past and I would get upset but would rug sweep it and just pretend it never happened. But in reality all it was doing was building up a huge wall of Anger and Resentment.

 

Shortly before that event I had started talking with a MM I work with. Mostly small talk. Come to find out we have a TON in common. I told him about what happened with my H and he was shocked someone that loved me would say and do such things. His support and kind words made me weak in the knees and butterflies in my stomach. Foolishly we started a full blown physical affair. I was caught and kicked out of my house. The A continued for a few months until I could no longer take being the side woman. And at the same time my H was begging me to come home, swearing up and down he would change. I just was not ready to go back home.

 

Fast forward one year after D day and I went back home to my husband and son to give it an honest try for reconciliation. No MC but I do go to IC every other week. I am learning a lot about myself. My H refuses to go and says counseling does nothing for him. He has told me in recent conversations that he is not happy, has anxiety because of me. He also said he had more fun while we were apart. I think us getting together so young and not experiencing different people opened his eyes.

 

Here is my dilemma, the MM is back to e-mailing me again saying how much he misses me and how he thinks of me every day. We went NC for 5 months straight and honestly there was not one single day that went by that I did not think about him. He wants to leave his wife and be with me. I don't know what to do! Any advise is much appreciated. I know I will get bashed for being unfaithful as well and I understand it was not a mistake but a choice I made.

 

This issue is really two issues as far as I can tell. Your unhappiness with your marriage should not be mixed with the issue of whether or not to go back to a married man that you have feelings for.

If you are not happy in your marriage and feel you have given that a fair shot you should divorce your husband and create a new life for yourself without the crutch of the relationship with the married man to support you emotionally.

Counseling sounds like its helping so keep doing it.

I would in all honesty ignore that married man. If he wanted to leave his wife he would have already before reaching out to you again but he has not. Men will lie to get a woman back that they want to be with. In his perfect world he can have his wife and you too.

Rise above it and be better than that. You owe it to yourself.

[Grapesofwrath]

I would not put a lot of stock in the fact that you thought about him daily during your time of NC. Fantasizing and daydreaming are things we all do during difficult times. It's an escape from reality, which is especially enticing when reality is particularly painful.

 

I would advise you to continue with counseling and consider divorce from your husband. He has abused you in many ways and that relationship is toxic for you and for your son. I am one of those who believe that coming from a divorced family is not the worst thing that can happen to a child. Living with domestic violence is far worse, in my opinion. What is your son learning about love and marriage by watching his father ridicule, hit, and denegrate his mother? Even if he has not witnessed the violence first hand, believe me, he feels it.

 

It will be tempting to give in to spending time with MM while you go through this. His support and companionship will feel good during the separation and divorce, understandably. Long-term, however, these things will undermine you. If for no other reason, your continued A will undermine all credibility that you have. This history of abuse will be overshadowed by your A.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. Now is your chance to break free. Free yourself.

[Clay]

Divorce and go be with the MM. If your thinking of the MM everyday for the last year then you have been in a false recovery and honestly there really isn't any point in wasting anymore of your time or your husbands. Let him move on and find happiness and you can go and try to be with the MM.

 

The better you work with your husband on the divorce and be honest with him the better relationship you will have with him as a co parent.

 

C

[Satu]

I agree with Chances,

 

These are two issues.

 

You need to look at the marriage first and decide if you want to in or out.

 

That decision will take some work, but it needs to be made.

[Susmay]

Do you realise that a MM having an affair is inflicting severe emotional abuse on his wife? Why would you want to exchange one abusive man for another?

[MJJean]

You file for divorce.

 

Your MM files for divorce.

 

You and your MM then try dating and see how it goes.

[Popsicle]

Your MM is still married, as are you, so there is nothing for you to do or be torn about. When BOTH you and he are divorced, then you think about whether you two can be together. Until then, it is impossible.