Exit Affair

[joanofark]

How do you know if you are having an exit affair or if your affair happened to turn into an Exit affair? I understand some people go looking for affairs with no intention of leaving their spouse but if you found yourself in one how do you know how to classify it?

[Got it]

Do you want to leave? I knew I was wanting to divorce months prior to the affair even starting. It had been something I had been seriously considering for a year prior. For myself, I separated a few weeks after the affair started. I had no interest in cake eating and knew if I could have sex with another man I was completely done with my marriage. For my MM/husband it was about a year. For him it was a lot finances and the kids (I do not have children). But he had been ready to divorce since his (ex)wife's affair a few years prior. He was just trying to make it until the youngest turned 18.

[joanofark]

i was ready to walk 3 years prior to my A starting. But couldn't bring myself to do it. I could give every excuse in the book but all of them are invalid really. Does an Exit affair consist on BOTH parties leaving or can it just be one. I am D now and my A "officially" ended a week and a half ago which was 10 month post dray. And i don't feel a thing about either relationship.

[joanofark]

You're in an exit affair if the married AP or APs actually exit their marriages.

 

Until then, you're just waiting for heartbreak when the married AP doesn't end their marriage.

 

The mistake so many OWs make is believing their love will make it an exit affair. Sadly, it's not about the OW. Most MM have no intention of leaving their wives. Why should they? Costs money, reputation, and risks them being alone.

 

Way too much risk for a coward. So much easier to future fake and have their cake. If the OW gets tired of it, oh well, it was nice while it lasted. Next!

 

ok, this i absolutely love. i feel this exactly about my AP. Although, I love him like no one else and never have and hopefully I will find that again but in amore "normal" situation. I think i knew in the back of my mind that he would never leave for all aforementioned reasons, but definitely enjoyed it while it lasted. The two years i had with him were, sadly, better than my 11 year marriage. I think i used, i hate to say that, him as a concrete way out. i had met with lawyers etc prior to dday but was still dragging my feet. my exh served me within a week of dday. and i think that was all i needed. i was definitely a coward as well. and i own that. sorry for no punctuation etc, just not in the mood to correct : )

[cocorico]

How do you know if you are having an exit affair or if your affair happened to turn into an Exit affair? I understand some people go looking for affairs with no intention of leaving their spouse but if you found yourself in one how do you know how to classify it?

 

I guess it would depend on what you classify as an exit A. The term has been used in so many different ways on this board that I could not honestly say whether or not ours was one or not, without knowing what was meant by the term.

 

However, one thing that struck my from your account was that your BH filed for D. I have not seen anyone else using the term "exit A" to describe a WS that was dumped by the BS, however ambivalent the WS may have felt about the M beforehand. I have thus always assumed that in an exit A, the WS leaves the BS and not the other way round. As I say, this is an assumption only, based on what I've read, so I'm happy to be corrected by those who are more in the know.

[fellini]

I guess it would depend on what you classify as an exit A. The term has been used in so many different ways on this board that I could not honestly say whether or not ours was one or not, without knowing what was meant by the term.

 

However, one thing that struck my from your account was that your BH filed for D. I have not seen anyone else using the term "exit A" to describe a WS that was dumped by the BS, however ambivalent the WS may have felt about the M beforehand. I have thus always assumed that in an exit A, the WS leaves the BS and not the other way round. As I say, this is an assumption only, based on what I've read, so I'm happy to be corrected by those who are more in the know.

 

From my reading, an EXIT affair is primarily when a WS has an affair with the intention of using it to get her BS to end their marriage. The WS is incapable of doing this and needs the other to do it, for all kinds of psychological reasons. Exit affairs are more prevalent when the marriage is in trouble. One of the characteristics of a true exit affair is the WS deliberately (or unconsciously) leaves clues for the BS to find in order to push it when it's time to actually end it (for example the AP is single and asking).

 

IN addition, I have read, and I believe it's possible, that an affair can start as one kind, and pass over into an EXIT affair because the WS sees through the A that there is life on the other side of the door.

 

Sometimes the WS is not actually interested in the AP as the next partner, but is using the affair to get out.

 

Another author, Brown, specifically, adds an interesting detail to this. She claims BOTH partners in the marriage want out / are aware things are not going to continue, and ONE of them uses the affair to get the other to do the work of saying it's over. Her analysis of an exit affair, is more along the line of "the exit affair" has almost ZERO chance for reconiliation because the marriage is already over, it's just that neither has made the move, and the emotional commitment to the AP is overwhelmingly in the favour of not bothering to try to recover the marriage. She believes the same about split-self affairs (or those affairs where a WS is in two long term relationships and is simply unable to end the marriage, but not because it is necessarily good, rather it provides a strong social capital and is comfortable (i.e. being in two relationships for a period of time has led the WS to believe it could go on indefinitely)

 

I think it's important to understand that the exit affair is about NOT being able to walk away from the marriage on one's own, so creates an environment impossible to sustain the M any longer, thinking the BS is going to be so angry or hurt that divorce is the only solution. What all the authors remark about, is that more often than expected, the BS does NOT end the marriage, but rather insists on trying for reconciliation.

[joanofark]

very interesting Fellini.

[WasOtherWoman]

From my reading, an EXIT affair is primarily when a WS has an affair with the intention of using it to get her BS to end their marriage. The WS is incapable of doing this and needs the other to do it, for all kinds of psychological reasons. Exit affairs are more prevalent when the marriage is in trouble. One of the characteristics of a true exit affair is the WS deliberately (or unconsciously) leaves clues for the BS to find in order to push it when it's time to actually end it (for example the AP is single and asking).

 

IN addition, I have read, and I believe it's possible, that an affair can start as one kind, and pass over into an EXIT affair because the WS sees through the A that there is life on the other side of the door.

 

Sometimes the WS is not actually interested in the AP as the next partner, but is using the affair to get out.

 

Another author, Brown, specifically, adds an interesting detail to this. She claims BOTH partners in the marriage want out / are aware things are not going to continue, and ONE of them uses the affair to get the other to do the work of saying it's over. Her analysis of an exit affair, is more along the line of "the exit affair" has almost ZERO chance for reconiliation because the marriage is already over, it's just that neither has made the move, and the emotional commitment to the AP is overwhelmingly in the favour of not bothering to try to recover the marriage. She believes the same about split-self affairs (or those affairs where a WS is in two long term relationships and is simply unable to end the marriage, but not because it is necessarily good, rather it provides a strong social capital and is comfortable (i.e. being in two relationships for a period of time has led the WS to believe it could go on indefinitely)

 

I think it's important to understand that the exit affair is about NOT being able to walk away from the marriage on one's own, so creates an environment impossible to sustain the M any longer, thinking the BS is going to be so angry or hurt that divorce is the only solution. What all the authors remark about, is that more often than expected, the BS does NOT end the marriage, but rather insists on trying for reconciliation.

 

That is not my understanding of an exit affair, although, I cannot quote any specific references, just my being i involved in this sort of board and reading thousands of these stories over the past 15 years.

 

I consider my situation to have been an exit affair on the part of my MM (I was single). He was waiting for his youngest child to go away to college, his marriage had been long over. We met and began an affair about 6 months before that. He began divorce proceedings and left right after his last child.

 

My understanding of the definition of an exit affair (as opposed to other sorts) is that the marriage is, by all accounts, already over by the time the affair begins. The affair partner is the catalyst that causes the married person to actually leave the marriage.

 

The part about using the affair to cause the betrayed spouse to file for divorce? Well, I think that is just called cowardice.

[fellini]

My understanding of the definition of an exit affair (as opposed to other sorts) is that the marriage is, by all accounts, already over by the time the affair begins. The affair partner is the catalyst that causes the married person to actually leave the marriage.

 

The part about using the affair to cause the betrayed spouse to file for divorce? Well, I think that is just called cowardice.

 

When people talk about the kinds of affairs they have, we are talking about the meaning of the affair. Nothing I have read conveys that meaning, that everything is over except the final say. This would suggest the affair was actually a LTR.

 

Exit Affairs commonly derive from conflict avoiders (which is why they enter into an affair in the first place).

 

Exit Affair

Affair Exiters are Conflict Avoiders at heart, but they take it further. One spouse has already decided to leave the marriage and the affair provides the justification. The other partner usually blames the affair rather than looking at how their marriage got to this point.

 

The affair allows both partners to exit, to end their dead marriage, and both can blame it on the AP

• for the BS "the AP stole my spouse"
  
• for the WS "my affair partner is my true soul mate"
  

 

In my case my WS began with a basic infatuation for an available man, convinced herself that her needs were not being met (rather than recognising that she withdrew her needs from me as she mapped them onto her EAP, then deciding that the marriage was over, but that she hadn't told me yet, shifter into an PA and "Exit affair" in her last months.

 

When DDay came, it was obvious, even when I knew, she still couldn't decide what to do, so you basically left it up to me to decide. She was fully expecting me to throw a tantrum and kick her out, justifying her affair of course.

[WasOtherWoman]

When people talk about the kinds of affairs they have, we are talking about the meaning of the affair. Nothing I have read conveys that meaning, that everything is over except the final say. This would suggest the affair was actually a LTR.

 

Exit Affairs commonly derive from conflict avoiders (which is why they enter into an affair in the first place).

Exit Affair

Affair Exiters are Conflict Avoiders at heart, but they take it further. One spouse has already decided to leave the marriage and the affair provides the justification. The other partner usually blames the affair rather than looking at how their marriage got to this point.

The affair allows both partners to exit, to end their dead marriage, and both can blame it on the AP

• for the BS "the AP stole my spouse"
  
• for the WS "my affair partner is my true soul mate"
  

 

In my case my WS began with a basic infatuation for an available man, convinced herself that her needs were not being met (rather than recognising that she withdrew her needs from me as she mapped them onto her EAP, then deciding that the marriage was over, but that she hadn't told me yet, shifter into an PA and "Exit affair" in her last months.

 

When DDay came, it was obvious, even when I knew, she still couldn't decide what to do, so you basically left it up to me to decide. She was fully expecting me to throw a tantrum and kick her out, justifying her affair of course.

 

Yikes, can't even imagine being involved with someone who was not willing to make the hard decisions for their own life. As I said, that was not my understanding of what actually defines an exit affair, but I have been wrong before.

 

Regardless.... anyone who leaves it up to someone else to make their decisions for them is definitely not someone I could have for a partner.

[cocorico]

From my reading, an EXIT affair is primarily when a WS has an affair with the intention of using it to get her BS to end their marriage. The WS is incapable of doing this and needs the other to do it, for all kinds of psychological reasons. Exit affairs are more prevalent when the marriage is in trouble. One of the characteristics of a true exit affair is the WS deliberately (or unconsciously) leaves clues for the BS to find in order to push it when it's time to actually end it (for example the AP is single and asking).

 

IN addition, I have read, and I believe it's possible, that an affair can start as one kind, and pass over into an EXIT affair because the WS sees through the A that there is life on the other side of the door.

 

Sometimes the WS is not actually interested in the AP as the next partner, but is using the affair to get out.

 

Another author, Brown, specifically, adds an interesting detail to this. She claims BOTH partners in the marriage want out / are aware things are not going to continue, and ONE of them uses the affair to get the other to do the work of saying it's over. Her analysis of an exit affair, is more along the line of "the exit affair" has almost ZERO chance for reconiliation because the marriage is already over, it's just that neither has made the move, and the emotional commitment to the AP is overwhelmingly in the favour of not bothering to try to recover the marriage. She believes the same about split-self affairs (or those affairs where a WS is in two long term relationships and is simply unable to end the marriage, but not because it is necessarily good, rather it provides a strong social capital and is comfortable (i.e. being in two relationships for a period of time has led the WS to believe it could go on indefinitely)

 

I think it's important to understand that the exit affair is about NOT being able to walk away from the marriage on one's own, so creates an environment impossible to sustain the M any longer, thinking the BS is going to be so angry or hurt that divorce is the only solution. What all the authors remark about, is that more often than expected, the BS does NOT end the marriage, but rather insists on trying for reconciliation.

 

Interesting.

 

Thanks, Fellini.

[cocorico]

Yikes, can't even imagine being involved with someone who was not willing to make the hard decisions for their own life. As I said, that was not my understanding of what actually defines an exit affair, but I have been wrong before.

 

Regardless.... anyone who leaves it up to someone else to make their decisions for them is definitely not someone I could have for a partner.

 

Agree completely.

[fellini]

Yikes, can't even imagine being involved with someone who was not willing to make the hard decisions for their own life. As I said, that was not my understanding of what actually defines an exit affair, but I have been wrong before.

 

Regardless.... anyone who leaves it up to someone else to make their decisions for them is definitely not someone I could have for a partner.

 

Well, what do you think an affair is? Making a hard decision? ALMOST all affairs are about not being able to do what is right (make the right decision for the right reason) but rather, do what I "want"

 

The issue seems to be that needs triumphs over doing the right thing. Nothing more required. (By needs, I mean selfish needs, not "needs" not being met in the marriage needs!)

[cocorico]

Well, what do you think an affair is? Making a hard decision? ALMOST all affairs are about not being able to do what is right (make the right decision for the right reason) but rather, do what I "want"

 

The exception, from your description (below) would appear to be the "split-self" A, where the A is about not being able to do what the WS "wants" but rather, doing what is "right".

 

Another author, Brown, ... believes the same about split-self affairs (or those affairs where a WS is in two long term relationships and is simply unable to end the marriage, but not because it is necessarily good, rather it provides a strong social capital and is comfortable

[fellini]

The exception, from your description (below) would appear to be the "split-self" A, where the A is about not being able to do what the WS "wants" but rather, doing what is "right".

 

Well doing what is right in the split-self affair, is doing what OTHERS think is right (maintain the image of family, dutiful wife/husband etc.) Doing the "right" thing is normally doing the "moral" thing.

 

Actually in a split self affair the WS does what "she wants" (develops a strong attraction and relationship with another, and does the "right thing" by not ending her marriage. Brown believes the marriage in a split self affair is pretty much over as well.

[WasOtherWoman]

Well, what do you think an affair is? Making a hard decision? ALMOST all affairs are about not being able to do what is right (make the right decision for the right reason) but rather, do what I "want"

 

The issue seems to be that needs triumphs over doing the right thing. Nothing more required. (By needs, I mean selfish needs, not "needs" not being met in the marriage needs!)

 

Hm.... I think my comment was more general, maybe a personal problem. I have very little tolerance for people who "let things" happen to them in life, rather than making them happen.

 

Probably doesn't have anything to do with an affair at all.

 

Clearly what I thought was an exit affair in my case, based upon the true definition,, was not.

[Charlie Harper]

There are some ways some can see an infidelity, one of them is simply sex cheating, someone wants sex badly or wants to have sex with somebody and it happens… those relationships are shallow and seldom anyone wants to break their M.

 

On the other hand there is the emotional relationship that grows into an A, if that is the case, in almost all cases, the M is over for such a situation to occur, most of those arise from people or couples who CANT TALK their problems out or will retain grudges.

 

So in that case unbeknownst to one, you are in an Exit affair, you still think you will reconcile, most of the people who get caught on D day unconsciously want to get caught because they can't bring themselves to talk about the proverbial elephant in the room.

 

Every situation is different but in the core when you love someone else and cheat, and want to be 24/7 with that person you have already checked out your M, if you stay it will be on convenience, if you leave you have someone to blame it on….

 

People who stay are not cowards, most of the time it revolves around:

 

Family

Image

Economic reasons

just plain comfort

 

Evryone has its different reasons, cowardly may be one of them but not everyone fits the description.

[WasOtherWoman]

There are some ways some can see an infidelity, one of them is simply sex cheating, someone wants sex badly or wants to have sex with somebody and it happens… those relationships are shallow and seldom anyone wants to break their M.

 

On the other hand there is the emotional relationship that grows into an A, if that is the case, in almost all cases, the M is over for such a situation to occur, most of those arise from people or couples who CANT TALK their problems out or will retain grudges.

 

So in that case unbeknownst to one, you are in an Exit affair, you still think you will reconcile, most of the people who get caught on D day unconsciously want to get caught because they can't bring themselves to talk about the proverbial elephant in the room.

 

Every situation is different but in the core when you love someone else and cheat, and want to be 24/7 with that person you have already checked out your M, if you stay it will be on convenience, if you leave you have someone to blame it on….

 

People who stay are not cowards, most of the time it revolves around:

 

Family

Image

Economic reasons

just plain comfort

 

Evryone has its different reasons, cowardly may be one of them but not everyone fits the description.

 

If you are referring to my comments about cowardice on the prior page, I didn't really mean it in reference to those who stay (or those who go). I meant it with regard to people who use an affair with the intent that their spouse find out and either a) end the marriage FOR them or b) convince them to stay.

 

I find that cowardly.... not what happens afterwards.

[cocorico]

Well doing what is right in the split-self affair, is doing what OTHERS think is right (maintain the image of family, dutiful wife/husband etc.)

 

Yes, that was my point - hence putting "right" in inverted commas.

[Charlie Harper]

If you are referring to my comments about cowardice on the prior page, I didn't really mean it in reference to those who stay (or those who go). I meant it with regard to people who use an affair with the intent that their spouse find out and either a) end the marriage FOR them or b) convince them to stay.

 

I find that cowardly.... not what happens afterwards.

 

 

Point taken, I think you are right, but remember that most people don't want to be caught, a lot of discoveries happen because unconscious guilt and the need to hurt the other.

People who have clear boundaries, or are completely douches never get discovered, the first because they have a clearer understanding of their A and the other because they are serial cheaters...

[Got it]

When people talk about the kinds of affairs they have, we are talking about the meaning of the affair. Nothing I have read conveys that meaning, that everything is over except the final say. This would suggest the affair was actually a LTR.

 

Exit Affairs commonly derive from conflict avoiders (which is why they enter into an affair in the first place).

 

Exit Affair

Affair Exiters are Conflict Avoiders at heart, but they take it further. One spouse has already decided to leave the marriage and the affair provides the justification. The other partner usually blames the affair rather than looking at how their marriage got to this point.

 

The affair allows both partners to exit, to end their dead marriage, and both can blame it on the AP

• for the BS "the AP stole my spouse"
  
• for the WS "my affair partner is my true soul mate"
  

 

In my case my WS began with a basic infatuation for an available man, convinced herself that her needs were not being met (rather than recognising that she withdrew her needs from me as she mapped them onto her EAP, then deciding that the marriage was over, but that she hadn't told me yet, shifter into an PA and "Exit affair" in her last months.

 

When DDay came, it was obvious, even when I knew, she still couldn't decide what to do, so you basically left it up to me to decide. She was fully expecting me to throw a tantrum and kick her out, justifying her affair of course.

 

Then what is the type of affair when the person leaves but doesn't expose the affair?

 

My ex husband doesn't know about the affair. I was already planning on leaving, the affair started, left within weeks and we mutually decided to end the marriage. It meets some of the criteria that neither fights for the marriage, it was a very anticlimactic moment/event.

 

Nor did I ever blame why I was leaving on the AP. I knew why I was leaving separate of him, knew what was wrong with the marriage well prior to him, and regardless of him have never regretted divorcing. It was absolutely the right decision for both me and my ex.

[fellini]

Then what is the type of affair when the person leaves but doesn't expose the affair?

 

My ex husband doesn't know about the affair. I was already planning on leaving, the affair started, left within weeks and we mutually decided to end the marriage. It meets some of the criteria that neither fights for the marriage, it was a very anticlimactic moment/event.

 

Nor did I ever blame why I was leaving on the AP. I knew why I was leaving separate of him, knew what was wrong with the marriage well prior to him, and regardless of him have never regretted divorcing. It was absolutely the right decision for both me and my ex.

 

Its difficult to say. Depends on why you felt entitled to start a relationship with someone new before settling things in your current marriage. You havent said much about how you excused yourself to have an affair before ending your M, or your reasons for lying to you BH.