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Being the other woman in his life. How to stop hurting, depressed and jealous? :(


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Old 4th May 2014, 4:22 AM   #1
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Being the other woman in his life. How to stop hurting, depressed and jealous? :(

I'm in the same tutorial class with this Brazilian guy who's 3 years younger than me. I'm 24 years old, and I'm Asian.
I've known him since January last year, and we've always been "bros", he's an introvert, so he doesn't have a lot of friends in his life, so we became really good friends. We could talk for hours, Skype each other every day for hours, and just be ourselves. I know him very well, and I know he's very comfortable with me. Though, he doesn't treat me like a lady at times.

But, then, we went on a trip last January, just the two of us, and things got intense - we started "playing" with each other. Then, eventually, we became FWB. For about 3 months now. We're in a very weird relationship. He calls me "bro", but I'm not sure why he would sleep with me, if I'm just his bro. He told me, he never had anything like this with any other people. Every time we're together, the sexual tension is so strong, that he'd get really "happy" down there, and he'd always tell me, this never happened to other girls he's been with.

We got into a fight once, and he punched me after I slapped his face and he told me, he has never loved someone as much as me, and never ****ed up with someone as much as he fcked me up. He told me, "I feel like jumping through the ****ing window right now.(because, he hurt me) You are the best thing that happened to me. And somehow I can only manage to hurt you. I wish I could give you excuses, I wish I could say I was worried that my grandfather would die, I wish I could say I feel like I should treat women bad cause of the way I saw my father being mistreated and cheated by my mother..

But I can't. I could never imagine myself hurting you the way I did. I don't know why I love you so much and I can't show it. Everything is coming back to me now, how I mistreated you all this time, and it's making me feel like ****. You have no idea how much this is weighting on my conscience, I''ve always despised anyone who would even touch a woman with the intention of harming her, and now I realize that I'm what I always hated.

You mean so much to me you have no idea, I wish I could tell you that before, I wish I could show you. But my ****ing insecurities wouldn't let me. I remind everything I said you, everything I did to you. Really, now it seems like I'm not even worth your friendship. I'm ****ed up in the head, more than you could imagine. I have something inside of me that I try to control and hide. I can easily say you're the person that know me the best, you've seen everything about me, not anyone in my life know that much about who I really am as you do.". I forgived him.

He told me not to tell anyone else that we're sleeping together, and when I ask him why he told me, its because he doesn't want to be in the midst of gossiping Brazilians, and that, he ask the same thing from every girl he's having something with. I think, I am developing feelings with him, I thought I was the only girl he's screwing around. Or, maybe its just because all the oxytocin confusing me, I can get really possessive to be honest. But, last April, I found out he has a "thing" with another Brazilian girl. Everything made sense to me, because I know him very well, those times he's not online, I know he's with the other girl.

It hurts.. so bad. I got so very depressed, jealous and I just can't get over the fact, that I'm the "new" girl, because what they had, was longer in terms of duration. I'm not sure the extent of their relationship, but he gives her gifts, the girl clearly likes him a lot, too and he told the girl, I like you, too. I realised that I'm the new girl that he's sleeping with now in his life. I actually wanted to win him over the other girl. I wanted to improve myself so much and be amazing, that eventually he'd pick me, not her. Despite the fact that he's extremely good looking and, he's very closed and secretive about everything else, I value him for the mental connection we have, I love him for his brain and mind.

Is this a bad idea?
I'm so confused really.
I'm way too emotionally invested with him now. I don't want to give up without a fight. The chemistry we have, is really strong and Ive never been so comfortable with another guy in my life.

I really don't want to jeopardise the friendship by telling him that I've developed feelings for him. He is my best friend here. And, I'm really attached to him.
I need to stop feeling jealous and possessive.

I'm depressed and angry every time I imagine that he's with another woman.
How could I move on?
How could I stop hurting?
What should I do?

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 4th May 2014 at 10:42 AM..
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Old 4th May 2014, 7:27 AM   #2
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Having worked with women in abusive relationships, THIS is about toxic as it gets!!!!

Not only is HE abusive both physically and emotionally but YOU are messed up and need professional help.

You're blinded by the sex which is clouding your judgement. And the supposed "connection" you think you feel is just an illusion because it's something you want to believe in so desperately.

RUN! Run as far and as fast as you can from this guy. And more importantly, GET HELP for yourself and your issues.
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Old 4th May 2014, 9:46 AM   #3
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Your post mentioned pain meds...are you on them for a medical reason or do you just take them for recreational "fun"?

You slapped this guy - that isn't love. He punched you. That isn't love.

He is using your body to satisfy his desire. You are not his girlfriend...you are his hook up.

I don't believe you love him...I think you are confusing love with lust.

You need to get out and meet new people. You need to stop allowing him access to your body. He isn't "the one"..he's a player who knows you have a crush on him and he's using that to get into your pants.
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Old 4th May 2014, 12:10 PM   #4
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Sorry-

This is as difficult as it gets. My breaking point tends to be when someone 'says' something to me that allows me to feel like I am just a dog to them. I have taken physical abuse only because I took it as a child but what always hurt me the most was the verbal- i'm a mental person so I listen to words as they are secrets I feel to the soul. He says I love you his actions show you maybe the physical isn't really what's happening but just reactions-
Thing is I realize I would never 'hit' someone so why should someone 'hit' me. You are very immersed in this relationship and if you want to do yourself a favor start separating yourself slowly maybe at first- new person to talk to may help- but that other person may help you find reasons to understand why this 'Bro' relationship is not a relationship. Perhaps it can be but again do yourself the favor of backing off a little at a time to see where it will go.


Good luck-


When I was in the midst of a crazy situation I realized I isolated myself, refused to be around people who would tell me what I did not want to hear. Once I began to separate myself I finally got away. Your here seeking help- there is a reason, your ready to take that step. I could not accept the people telling me' Oh girl id just leave' or 'oh my god how could you your so much better....' my esteem was shot and I couldn't love myself enough in that moment to do what was needed. You love yourself and I can tell- why? Your taking steps to CHANGE ... keep walking that path. Worse thing- you find Happiness, and that does not sound like a bad outcome.
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Old 4th May 2014, 12:22 PM   #5
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That is not love!

He's married - which means he's not available!

He's secretive and closed off - why would those qualities be even remotely attractive?

He's abusive - the R is abusive!

RUN! Do not look back!

YOU need to be the change you want to see.

Just stop communicating with him all together. If needed, tell his wife.
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Old 4th May 2014, 2:13 PM   #6
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((hugs))

I agree with the others...once I read he hit you, and you slapped him. Ugh. Just run. He's not even a 'friend' if he can do that. I'm sorry.

The pain and depression will lessen with time. It will ebb and flow, the the longer you're away from him the better, stronger you will feel.
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Old 5th May 2014, 6:29 AM   #7
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Run as fast as you can

Quote:
Is this a bad idea?
It's really a BAAADDDDD idea!!!
Why would you still want to be near and having intimacy with someone who has hurt you?

Quote:
I'm so confused really.
I'm way too emotionally invested with him now. I don't want to give up without a fight. The chemistry we have, is really strong and Ive never been so comfortable with another guy in my life.

I really don't want to jeopardise the friendship by telling him that I've developed feelings for him. He is my best friend here. And, I'm really attached to him.
Tell him how you feel and so you can see his real face?
He's just using you.
This guy loves you NOT.
Please get a healthier relationship.

Quote:
I need to stop feeling jealous and possessive.

I'm depressed and angry every time I imagine that he's with another woman.
He's not even your boyfriend.
He has never said that the two of you are lovers, thus you have no right to feel jealous. STOP letting him touch you and that possessiveness and jealousy that consume you will disappear. I was once in this kind of relationship few years ago (but we were lovers, I was his mistress.)
Whenever I think about it...I was not really happy being in a constant fight.

Now I learn to value men who are gentle and not abusive. (even verbally).

Quote:
How could I move on?
How could I stop hurting?
What should I do?
Stop letting him touching you and don't give in!
Find another man and learn to control your desires.

All the best!
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Old 8th May 2014, 10:40 PM   #8
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Q: Why would you still want to be near and having intimacy with someone who has hurt you?
A: Because, I can't bring myself to not have him in my life, to quit him. Just having him near me, despite how painful it is for me, at times, is a necessity for me. And, I forgived him.

Thank you so much!
I still find it very hard to move on, but I'm distracting myself, going out and meeting new people just to get him out of my mind. x
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Old 9th May 2014, 9:11 AM   #9
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i guess I'm putting up with everything, because i don't want to be all alone.
that over time i have come to not just love him as a good friend, but fall in love with him as well. i fell in love with his imperfection and his flaws. i accept him for who he is.
because nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than him.
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