MM's wife gave birth today

[Patna]

Has any OW has an A with a MM who's wife was pregnant during the A, & is there any change in the way MM treats you after his wife has given birth?

 

It's so difficult for me. On one hand, your conscious pricked you even more because there's children involved. On the other hand, you are scared your MM may desert you or treat you differently now, & probably has no more time for you.

 

I struggle with intentions of NC to fearing never seeing him again.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Depends on whether he is more 'family oriented' and was just using the affair as a sexual outlet or not. For some WS, the birth of a new child, a health scare or important event (like the birth, marriage or graduation of a child) seems to get their heads on straight, or at least make them see clear enough for a while.

 

Which means they develop a renewed "appreciation" for their marriage because of it. Obviously this means they either end the affair or limit contact with the AP. Yet for others however, such things are irreleavnt and they can carry on the affair as if nothing happened.

 

Really it all depends on how genuinely serious they are about the AP. The stress of a new baby definitely has an effect on an affair and priorities often shift dramatically. Their lives are no longer about maintaining the thrill and/or secrecy of the affair. They become about changing diapers, getting little sleep, family gatherings, the baby's first steps or words, etc. And honestly, there just isn't time to keep the AP (or mistress in your case) "happy".

[Cocochai]

Has any OW has an A with a MM who's wife was pregnant during the A, & is there any change in the way MM treats you after his wife has given birth?

 

It's so difficult for me. On one hand, your conscious pricked you even more because there's children involved. On the other hand, you are scared your MM may desert you or treat you differently now, & probably has no more time for you.

 

I struggle with intentions of NC to fearing never seeing him again.

 

No XMM found out his BS was pregnant two months into our A. I was more concerned then he was being in the A while she was expecting.

 

He also sent me a pic of the baby/called me right after she gave birth. Which I thought was strange at the time.

[Attachment issues]

Sorry you are in this spot.

 

When my son was born 23 years ago, my xH was having an A with his secretary. The boy was born prematurely and was very ill. I'm sure this made him pull away from AP, seeing this tiny creature. She got angry and turned him in to HR and of course a Dday, lost his job and we had to leave the country because we were overseas. We had to wait until the baby was out of hospital and strong enough to travel.

 

I think seeing the child and hearing labour pains does have an effect on them. It will die down over time.

[Ailsa1983]

ExOW here: I cannot fathom why you would still engage in an A with this MM who's wife has just given birth ? Why ? I can't exactly say my morals were any better than yours but as a mother myself and my H being present was the most joyous experience of our lives, leave them be you owe the child that much. Cut contact and tell him to focus on his new family or you will tell his wife, by saying this is almost a guarantee he will not contact you again.

[underwater2010]

A lot of times the pregnancy helps pull their heads out of their butt. But it is usually the birth of the child that ends it. Not every time...but a lot. I know it did for my FWH.

[sunburned]

ExOW here: I cannot fathom why you would still engage in an A with this MM who's wife has just given birth ? Why ? I can't exactly say my morals were any better than yours but as a mother myself and my H being present was the most joyous experience of our lives, leave them be you owe the child that much. Cut contact and tell him to focus on his new family or you will tell his wife, by saying this is almost a guarantee he will not contact you again.

 

Hey, Patna. Welcome to the forum. I believe Alisa hit the nail on the head. You should listen to that tiny (it should be BIG) prick you refer to. It's your conscience speaking. Is your goal honestly to continue the A? Did he say he would leave his W for you or are you comfy as the proverbial side dish? If you are expecting him to leave her, you are in for a very long wait. The most common MM excuse is "I have to stay for the kids." And they usually mean until they're 18. And then they still don't want to leave and spoil Bobby's first year in college.

 

 

Ask yourself why you would want a guy who cheats on his wife while she is pregnant. I am ashamed to admit I was a MOW myself, but if I were a BPS (betrayed pregnant spouse), I would never forgive the OW, or my H for that matter.

 

 

I can't imagine any better time (well, 9 months ago would have been good) to leave this dead end R. If not RIGHT NOW, what exactly would your hurdle be? Please gather up your dignity and tell him you are done.

 

 

Just ewww.

Edited April 3, 2014 by sunburned
spelling error, there are probably more.

[whichwayisup]

Has any OW has an A with a MM who's wife was pregnant during the A, & is there any change in the way MM treats you after his wife has given birth?

 

It's so difficult for me. On one hand, your conscious pricked you even more because there's children involved. On the other hand, you are scared your MM may desert you or treat you differently now, & probably has no more time for you.

 

I struggle with intentions of NC to fearing never seeing him again.

 

What do you want out of all this? What's the end game? Are you hoping one day he'll fall deep in love with you, divorce his wife, leave his baby/child behind and come to you? Forget in the heat of the moment, the today's and tomorrow's - How long do you want to be the OW? I'm sure you want someone to love only you, someone who you can depend on and call whenever you want, someone to care for you, someone who someday could be your own husband, build a life and have your own kids. With your MM, you won't have that as he already has a wife and a new baby.

 

How long as your affair been going on?

 

I wish you strength to get the courage to walk away. As time goes on you'll be more hurt, competing with the attention and time he gives you...it will be less, doubtful he'll be able to spend as much time with you as before since now he is a father. Please really think what it is you want to happen... Unless you're happy enough settling for the A and seeing him on his time frame and terms? Though something tells me you want more than it just being an affair.

 

Edit to add:

 

I read your other post, I see you are married as well and already had a Dday in December. So please ignore my reply about wanting your own husband and family, I see you already have one.

Edited April 3, 2014 by whichwayisup

[sunburned]

I missed the fact that she was married as well. Sorry.

 

But ... that only makes it worse. You all know each other, your H and OM are close friends, you had a Dday and his wife just gave birth??!! That's not an impending train wreck or anything.

[littlemermaid]

I must be dense or something, because in your other post you said you had a D-day back in December, you are NC with him, you said you had "lost your friendship with OM"...so...it's over, his wife has just given birth to their baby. It couldn't be more crystal clear that you need to leave these people alone.

[gettingstronger]

I'm sad for you that you expect anything from a man who has just had a child. Sure his wife physically gave birth, but there is no denying HE has a new baby. This is the flip side of the other post where the OW gave birth. I'm sad that man does not see HE has a new baby. Come on now, how can anyone compartmentalize that much. The child is innocent and deserves both parents focus and energy.

[Patna]

Depends on whether he is more 'family oriented' and was just using the affair as a sexual outlet or not. For some WS, the birth of a new child, a health scare or important event (like the birth, marriage or graduation of a child) seems to get their heads on straight, or at least make them see clear enough for a while.

 

Which means they develop a renewed "appreciation" for their marriage because of it. Obviously this means they either end the affair or limit contact with the AP. Yet for others however, such things are irreleavnt and they can carry on the affair as if nothing happened.

 

Really it all depends on how genuinely serious they are about the AP. The stress of a new baby definitely has an effect on an affair and priorities often shift dramatically. Their lives are no longer about maintaining the thrill and/or secrecy of the affair. They become about changing diapers, getting little sleep, family gatherings, the baby's first steps or words, etc. And honestly, there just isn't time to keep the AP (or mistress in your case) "happy".

 

Thanks Lernaean_Hydra. That's what I feared & am expecting too.

[nais]

Don't know his thoughts on this- but if I can only use his actions.... he was thinking he should do right (not sure what that meant) The first time she became pregnant. NC for the rest of the year then out of the blue hes calling. not sure why-

[Patna]

I know I'm a terrible person, & probably your are thinking how could I do such stuffs to a pregnant wife. I totally agree.

 

Just sharing a little background here... Am a MOW & had a A with a MM for 8 months. He's my husband's good friend so I knew his family for years. My marriage was doing well (or so I thought), but the affair drew me emotionally further from H, though not very serious.

 

Halfway in the A, when I first found out his wife was pregnant, I actually broke up with him immediately. I'm a mother of 2, so I wouldn't want to hurt another mother. I may be a bitch, but I am genuine when I said these. He kept pleading with me & I was not strong enough to stay away. After a while, I gave in & we resumed the A.

 

But over the next few months when we were together, I couldn't carry the guilt & constant tension anymore, and we broke up in November 13. We tried remaining as friends and we did stick to the boundaries because we felt that was the only way we could be in each other's lives for a long time, without hurting anyone.

 

But in mid December, his wife sensed that OM has not been himself. He was affected by the breakup then, and appeared unhappy. The 4 (H, me, OM, OM's wife) of us met up for dinner, and she also sensed that I was distant towards them. She discovered an email I wrote to him when I first broke up with him when we found out his wife was pregnant. So Dday happened for us even though we had broke up then. We had NC.

 

During this period, I confessed to H what had happened. I felt I owed him the truth. The A also revealed the weakness in my marriage, and if I wanted to work out these issues, I know I had to confess. H was very forgiving. He also saw that he was often not around in the marriage as his work kept him away. I know I may be a bad woman, but I really do love my family a lot and as H is always not around, I'm the one who take care of my girls mainly. He saw that I became lonely and stressed, and that's how OM came into my life as my emotional support. H also forgave OM, and he even told me not to let OM know that he is aware as he wants to keep the friendship since they had been friends for almost 20 years. He didn't want his friend to feel awkward with him. I know I have a very good H.

 

I know you guys will be thinking problems are all solved now on my side. Unfortunately and sadly, no. When I broke up with OM in Nov, I actually grieved for the loss of our relationship even though I was the one who broke it off. I was very sad then. When Dday happened, I fell into depression because I knew that would be the end of our friendship even, and I would never see him again. During NC, I also missed him a lot, and didn't know how to handle it. I broke down and cry everyday. I had never been like this before. 2 days before Christmas, I had an car accident because I was driving and crying at the same time. That's when I realized I'm in such a bad condition. H even told me that he forgave me because he saw what I went through the past few months, and knew it was painful for me. During the A, I was often nauseas, didn't had much appetite to eat, and lost some weight. After Dday, it was worst.

 

H started working on the marriage by spending more time with me, but it only lasted 2 weeks. He had this problem of prioritizing his work over the family, and I thought after I confessed, he would change his priority to work things out together. The change didn't happened, and I was disappointed and of course sad.

 

In January, OM started calling me once every few days. The conversations were brief. Then in Feburary we met up, and I guessed we missed each other too much and we engaged in the physical aspect again. Since then, he's been calling me everyday again, and we would talk for hours. I felt a lot better, even though I know that's not the solution. We don't meet up as much now (once a week), and we no longer go out together for dinner and drinks anymore. He also seems to detach his emotions.

 

So a month ago, I questioned him about it. He said we are just friends to him now. I guessed he means FWB. He said he can no longer loves me or put in any more feelings. He has to detach his feelings away from me. How can a man do that so fast? I cannot and it's hurting me. I saw Mickey's post and it hurts that he can just turn off his feelings for me overnight with a switch.

 

I started crying again, though not as badly as in December. I told him in early March that we need to NC. He kept telling me that we can still be friends, and that he will no longer have sex with me. But he still always initiate sex and for the first time, I started to wonder if he had been using me for sex. I kept suggesting NC but he would call me again the next day as if nothing has happened. And I know I am simply too weak to walk away. Every time he calls, I would pick up the call again and I guessed it's the emotional attachment that I craved from him. Just a day before his wife deliver, we met and I told him I will cut off all contact with him once his wife deliver. He kept telling me not to think too much and he will call me when he can.

 

I hope I'm not too weak this time to stick to NC. I don't know if he will contact me again. Because like what some of you said, he will feel more guilty now, and probably be too stress with his newborn to care about me. Like some of you said, I owe the child and should leave his family alone. Honestly, as a mother myself and been through the pains of labor, I think I owe his wife too. I hope these thoughts will keep me in NC this time.

 

I guess I will still have a lot of questions. Like if he will still contact me or do I just disappear from his mind now that he has a child? Did he love me during the past month or just used as a FWB. If he had use me as a FWB, then did he really love and care about my feelings in the past. If he didn't love me, why bother to invest so much of his time calling me everyday for 1-2 hours on the phone? I know with NC, I had to live with no closure.

 

I need to be strong to keep to NC this time. For OM, OM, And H. I also need it for my sanity...

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

DO you remember the birth of your own children? Do you remember what a special time that was? The bond between you, husband and new baby? It was a precious time...a bubble..high on endorphins, love, joy...The best moment of your life?

 

Now imagine having an intruder into that time. Imagine your husband was sneaking out to message another woman, sending her photos of the baby YOU just grew and delivered... someone who used to call them self your friend, but betrayed you in the most heinous of ways... having sex with your husband during THE MOST VULNERABLE time of your life. Imagine another woman stealing your husband away from you and your baby with no compunction.

 

That woman is you. Is that what you want to be?

 

Remember that scene when you feel like feeding your need for attention.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Thanks Lernaean_Hydra. That's what I feared & am expecting too.

 

I don't see very much to fear here. If anything, if what I said does come to fruition, it sounds like just the kick in the rear you desperately need. One of you HAS to be strong here and resist and if it can't be you, hopefully this new baby will force MM to do it.

 

You already said you didn't want to hurt another mother so this is really the best case scenario.

[gettingstronger]

Please read what you wrote a few times. Gracious me, what a mess. Get some IC to see why this is acceptable to you. Best of luck.

[amaysngrace]

Has any OW has an A with a MM who's wife was pregnant during the A, & is there any change in the way MM treats you after his wife has given birth?

 

It's so difficult for me. On one hand, your conscious pricked you even more because there's children involved. On the other hand, you are scared your MM may desert you or treat you differently now, & probably has no more time for you.

 

I struggle with intentions of NC to fearing never seeing him again.

 

I wouldn't worry about it. If anything you may see him more now.

 

Women with newborns are too tired for sex.

[Patna]

Please read what you wrote a few times. Gracious me, what a mess. Get some IC to see why this is acceptable to you. Best of luck.

 

 

gettingstronger, this is not acceptable to me. Which is why I had been struggling so much. Being in the A was the worst year of my life. Which is why I hope to maintain NC this time.

[Patna]

DO you remember the birth of your own children? Do you remember what a special time that was? The bond between you, husband and new baby? It was a precious time...a bubble..high on endorphins, love, joy...The best moment of your life?

 

Now imagine having an intruder into that time. Imagine your husband was sneaking out to message another woman, sending her photos of the baby YOU just grew and delivered... someone who used to call them self your friend, but betrayed you in the most heinous of ways... having sex with your husband during THE MOST VULNERABLE time of your life. Imagine another woman stealing your husband away from you and your baby with no compunction.

 

That woman is you. Is that what you want to be?

 

Remember that scene when you feel like feeding your need for attention.

 

 

 

I remember, which is why I posted on LS for the 1st time. I had been in this forum for months, but this time I really need to maintain NC to end it for good. Which is why I posted. So that I can have the answers I will be asking during NC. So that I can have the strength to maintain NC.

 

 

So that I can speak out my thoughts. So that I can be reminded that I'm hurting a lot of people. So that I know no matter how much I love that man, he will never love me the same way anymore. So that I can finally "verbalise" out the reality. So that I can finally be free. So that although I may have done the wrong things before, I have the chance to do right again. So that I can live the right way again. I knew a lot of hurting comments will be thrown at me, and it hurts, but I also need those to remember what I had done, and for the strength to do right.

[muststopthecycle]

Patna - I am here with you. This is my first post.....

 

 

It seems there is a lot of judgement passed on this board (seems a lot of BS's peruse and post???) But I am here, unfortunately, as a comrade. Not a place I want to be (I'm sure you don't either!) but, here we are!

 

I don't know the lingo that well yet, but I am married, have 2 children of my own and have been in this A for nearly a year.

 

My MM had his baby in Feb.

 

At risk of being inundated with shame, I'll plainly explain what happened with us. At first, he continued to make me a priority. He continued to contact me as much as he ever did, and could. I was sure to be very very understanding about what was goin on in his life - having 2 kids of my own, I get it. Also, I knew my place. I was not just SECOND in his life now, I was THIRD. And I was fine with that. (Sadly)

 

As time went on, he told me he didn't want to lose me under any circumstances, but with how much guilt he was feeling, as well as exhaustion/obligation at home - he didn't want us to "see" each other physically anymore......for at least a while. He wanted to just continue to talk as normal, though, through text/phone. I obliged. I wasn't happy with it, but again, knowing the demands of a newborn, the love you feel for that child, how it changes your world, etc - I wasn't about to put any more pressures on him.

 

A few weeks ago things started melting down in my own home (My H and I are hanging by a thread, our M is going to end, just a matter of time). I told OM about it and for some reason it struck a cord in his own mind/life - and sent him into a tailspin.......one that would essentially end our relationship.

 

Long story short, he couldn't accept what this all meant. The feelings he had for me; the reason he was having the A to begin with - it all pointed to things he wasn't ready to accept: His marriage was not good and he was settling for his wife. And oddly enough - I get that too. I get that its not easy to accept those things, and especially with a new child, the option of leaving is not there, right now. There is a definite feeling of obligation, and for that reason, I don't feel any anger or resentment towards him for the decision he's made.

 

What I do know? It won't last. That marriage is doomed. She is useless at best, unattractive, and disinterested in him. He can do better. Am I saying better is me? Maybe, maybe not.........but what I know is that relationship will not last. That is beside the point, though.

 

 

To answer your question, in short: Yes, the child being born changed things drastically between him and I, after some time. And it makes sense that it did.....

 

Doesn't mean I'm not absolutely devastated. I am.

 

 

[Patna]

muststopthecycle Thanks so much for sharing. Our stories are so similar. My A also started in Apr 13, so it has been a year too. His marriage isn't that fantastic as well, unattractive wife, fierce, demeans and talk down at him in front of friends, very controlling, don't allow him to go out much with friends and control his paycheck. But that's the choice he has to stick with and honor, and I guessed that's why I was able to come into the picture. I wished I never had, just like you.

 

 

I supposed NC is the best way to prevent myself from receiving even lesser crumbs and to gain back that little dignity that I have left. Sometimes it hurts that they could let go of us so easily while we still hang on to them. So I need to move on when he has already move on. In fact, what's left to still stay there when there's already nothing left for me to hold on to...

[muststopthecycle]

Patna - lets keep in touch - even privately if you want to. I need the support and comraderie right now too, VERY badly......

 

 

I'm a mess

[Patna]

Patna - lets keep in touch - even privately if you want to. I need the support and comraderie right now too, VERY badly......

 

 

I'm a mess

 

I would love to keep in touch too! But we can't PM each other... Any other ideas?

[Owl]

OP, I'd suggest that you use this time to end your marriage.

 

Frankly...even if you feel it's your H's fault for not being there...what you (and your MoM) are doing to him is wrong.

 

File for divorce, start working to seperate your life from his. Focus on that for now.

 

It'll either free you up to be with MoM at some point if he chooses to end his marriage, or it'll free you up to be with someone who might be able to give you a marriage that you're happy in.

 

But to continue on with the A behind your H's back, after being forgiven already...not good for anyone here.

 

So...start with that, see where things go with you and OM as that progresses.