QuakerOats Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I am/was the single OW to a MM from 2012 to present. Its been on an off and feels much like an addiction. Our affair started out as a "regular" relationship...in that he told me he was in the process of a divorce. We fell in love, spent much of the next year traveling to see each other. After a few months MM revealed that there wasn't a divorce underway, but that he wanted one and felt his W would be amicable about this. They have one 6 year old together. It was after I pressured him to take my after work calls (I work late) that he admitted he was still living with his W. Since then (late 2012) he claims they have an "in home separation". Because of financial constraints, they cannot sell their house and live separately. I know I sound like an idiot, and I feel like one. I must say, I love this guy, I really do. But I know it is all just not right. I'm starting to think he'll never file for divorce. He always has reasons. Right now he has to fix his house up for sale purposes, then find a new job to be able to move out, then he'll file. At one point he told me his wife "knew" about us. He told her he was in love with me. But, I don't think he actually said he was having an affair with me. I feel so horrible in this position of being in love, and being "on hold." Can anyone relate? How did it turn out. Is it possible it could work out? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 Do you...honestly...see any hope for change in your situation? Has he given you any indication that he's going to tell you the truth? Any reason to truly believe that he's going to leave her for you? Not words...actions. What have his last two years of ACTIONS told you about him, about his goals, and his plans for you? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
SunshineToday Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 Sorry to tell you this. Your affair type is super common here at LS. Your married man is saying all the classics. 1. Working toward divorce but can't yet due to......pick anything here, $, kids, unstable wife, biz reasons .....and on. 2. Living in a room mate situation with his wife and kid. Oh really? He isn't planning in getting caught or ever leaving. Hope you are not okay with being treated to that. Read around here and you will find many many situations just like yours. My advice: drop his azz like a hot potato. Best of luck. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
nais Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 can relate but he never told me it was over- he indicated he would not leave. I accepted the relationship- not in the hopes of falling in love but just having something to do. it has been some years now and- sigh- it can be harder than Chinese math but I have come to an understanding within me. He loves me, love him, and in the chaos we remain close. I consider the relationship ours, what we do ours, and his relationship with home his. Find your place- Link to post Share on other sites
Nattie Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 You know, as a MW involved with a MM, I have to say that he may not intentionally manipulating you or your situation. I don't know him, and a lot of guys are nothing but cake eaters (I myself am one)... BUT... I think a lot of times people are very honestly conflicted. When I'm with MM, he's all I want, I can see us being together a long time, he feels right and the attraction is like nothing I've ever felt. Then when I'm at home with my husband and kids, there's just no way I could leave him or disrupt that. Just a thought from the other end of the spectrum, the fact that he can't leave her doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care at all about you. Now, can YOU deal with sharing him without the possibility of having him all to yourself in the future? That's what you should probably ask yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 Quaker, sorry you are in pain. Welcome to loveshack! Like Sunshine said, you are getting all the classics as we've come to know them here on LS. He may well love you in the affair compartment. But you are not just "competing" with his wife, but with his life and lifestyle. Divorce would mean an entirely different dynamic with his child, with his friends, his family, his colleagues. It would probably entail a move, a lot less discretionary income, which you suggest is already a problem/excuse. He may lose respect, be treated differently at the office, at family functions, at the country club ... you get the idea. THAT is a lot to give up. What about you? You don't say how old you are, but do you want to limit your own chances of finding a husband or LTR, having children, etc? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
rumbleseat Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 No one can say for sure what he is going to do, but a good way to look at is to ask yourself if you are willing to wait around and let him make choices about your life? Look at all the data you have to go on. Do you feel he is an honest person? Do you feel that he will lie to meet his own needs? Are you willing to live with that in your life? I may be a bs, but it stories like yours make me angry at married people who will make an otherwise grounded person question their own judgement and common sense. Does that sound like you before the As? If so, the. Pay attention to that little voice inside you that seems to be seeing that situation for what it is. You are no fool, don't let this mm make you feel like one. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 Is it possible it could work out? Seriously!? Nobody, nobody can ever know that. Life is a chance. His W probably didn't anticipate her H wanting a D when she agreed to M him. Yet there she is . . . What do you want him to do? File D and be with you? You are not happy the way it is now? Why not? Think long and hard about him Ding and what that brings with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 I am/was the single OW to a MM from 2012 to present. Its been on an off and feels much like an addiction. Our affair started out as a "regular" relationship...in that he told me he was in the process of a divorce. We fell in love, spent much of the next year traveling to see each other. I could have written this. EXACTLY my situation, except for the fact that he WAS in fact filing for divorce, was separated and living separately from her when I met him. And for the fact that the A lasted many years. Guess what... many years later and he couldn't go through with the divorce. So here I am. Sorry for what you are going through. If I were you I would demand some sort of action or movement from him before you continue, unless you want to waste a lot of time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuakerOats Posted March 26, 2014 Author Share Posted March 26, 2014 No one can say for sure what he is going to do, but a good way to look at is to ask yourself if you are willing to wait around and let him make choices about your life? Look at all the data you have to go on. Do you feel he is an honest person? Do you feel that he will lie to meet his own needs? Are you willing to live with that in your life? I may be a bs, but it stories like yours make me angry at married people who will make an otherwise grounded person question their own judgement and common sense. Does that sound like you before the As? If so, the. Pay attention to that little voice inside you that seems to be seeing that situation for what it is. You are no fool, don't let this mm make you feel like one. Rumbleseat...well, he did lie to me about a pretty big life issue, so I have to assume he has the capacity to do this again. So no, I don't feel he is an honest person. And yes, before this affair I would not have felt I was a woman capable of being so gullible. I've seen other women in similar positions...but me? No way. And here I am. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuakerOats Posted March 26, 2014 Author Share Posted March 26, 2014 Quaker, sorry you are in pain. Welcome to loveshack! Like Sunshine said, you are getting all the classics as we've come to know them here on LS. He may well love you in the affair compartment. But you are not just "competing" with his wife, but with his life and lifestyle. Divorce would mean an entirely different dynamic with his child, with his friends, his family, his colleagues. It would probably entail a move, a lot less discretionary income, which you suggest is already a problem/excuse. He may lose respect, be treated differently at the office, at family functions, at the country club ... you get the idea. THAT is a lot to give up. What about you? You don't say how old you are, but do you want to limit your own chances of finding a husband or LTR, having children, etc? Sun, I am 40. Not a great age for getting out there. I've been divorced for many years. Don't have kids of my own, which is depressing for sure, but I do have grown step kids from my previous marriage...and we are close, so I don't necessarily feel the same urgency some women might feel to have a family. It is hard to start over and trust someone again. I don't share myself easily. Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuakerOats Posted March 26, 2014 Author Share Posted March 26, 2014 I could have written this. EXACTLY my situation, except for the fact that he WAS in fact filing for divorce, was separated and living separately from her when I met him. And for the fact that the A lasted many years. Guess what... many years later and he couldn't go through with the divorce. So here I am. Sorry for what you are going through. If I were you I would demand some sort of action or movement from him before you continue, unless you want to waste a lot of time. Hope, that is sad. Why did he never go through with the divorce? What were his "reasons"? Have you moved on? Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuakerOats Posted March 26, 2014 Author Share Posted March 26, 2014 You know, as a MW involved with a MM, I have to say that he may not intentionally manipulating you or your situation. I don't know him, and a lot of guys are nothing but cake eaters (I myself am one)... BUT... I think a lot of times people are very honestly conflicted. When I'm with MM, he's all I want, I can see us being together a long time, he feels right and the attraction is like nothing I've ever felt. Then when I'm at home with my husband and kids, there's just no way I could leave him or disrupt that. Just a thought from the other end of the spectrum, the fact that he can't leave her doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care at all about you. Now, can YOU deal with sharing him without the possibility of having him all to yourself in the future? That's what you should probably ask yourself. Nattie...It really does boil down to that. Can I deal with sharing? And...can I deal with the thought that his wife doesn't know he is? No, I can't. I've always been a monogamous person, this isn't for me. I think you are right. I think he does have the ability to feel strongly for two people and it feels so authentic when he is with me, so I doubt he is faking everything. This is depressing as h#ll. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 Nattie...It really does boil down to that. Can I deal with sharing? And...can I deal with the thought that his wife doesn't know he is? No, I can't. I've always been a monogamous person, this isn't for me. I think you are right. I think he does have the ability to feel strongly for two people and it feels so authentic when he is with me, so I doubt he is faking everything. This is depressing as h#ll. If his wife knew that he was 'in love' with someone else she would have sent him packing and they would be divorced. I doubt very much he's said a word to her about you. This man is lying to you. I know your heart and emotions don't want to believe it. He is still 'living life' with his wife and young child yet he lies to them daily to continue his A with you. He may have real feelings for you but does it really matter since it is more likely you two are not going to be together as a real couple? Link to post Share on other sites
P1nginLOVE Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 Met him two days ago over dinner after 10 weeks of avoiding n trying to keep my distance. Been experiencing on off moments which puzzled him. He said he wanted us to have human relationship. He asked whether he's my sex toy... Fyi, in the last 7 months, I left him 3x, we had sex only 3x, other than that just hands and kisses...can't believe I'm sharing these details... But before we were together I had been a single parent for 2,5years...he's the only guy I let to touch me. He said he missed me and our conversation. It killed him because he couldn't understand my feelings. Then I told him that for me it's more than physical, he said he was happy to hearthat..this is the second time he proposed us to be officially in a relationship. Confused. Conflicted. He's French and he's cheating on his W...should I believe I'm the only girl he's intimate with other than the W? We've known each other since almost 2 years ago and he started to come on to me since a year ago. I finally surrendered 7 months ago... This is a terrible thing to do...I feel like I hurt his W less if we just keep it physical. Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 If you haven't read Mickey's thread yet, please do. It may shed some light on your own sitch. I didn't mean to imply you needed children to be happy. Not at all. But, at 40, you really need to take a hard, honest look at your relationship goals. You are still young enough to meet a great single guy with whom you can enjoy a LTR. Nais (above) indicates she has carved out an OW niche that makes her comfortable. Maybe you can too but your OP says you know it's all wrong. You might want to listen to that little (but wise) voice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 P1, start your own thread. You will get more responses directed specifically at you. Link to post Share on other sites
P1nginLOVE Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 (edited) Sorry I didn't mean to repeat. Maybe one comment... Better not to give all of your heart. I myself keep my heart n try not to fantasize being with this MM in the future Edited March 26, 2014 by P1nginLOVE repeating my previous post Link to post Share on other sites
P1nginLOVE Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 P1, start your own thread. You will get more responses directed specifically at you. Sunburned....sorry, I didn't want to start my own thread. Just trying to explain I also had that on off moments like her in her relationship. And conflicted just like her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuakerOats Posted March 26, 2014 Author Share Posted March 26, 2014 If you haven't read Mickey's thread yet, please do. It may shed some light on your own sitch. I didn't mean to imply you needed children to be happy. Not at all. But, at 40, you really need to take a hard, honest look at your relationship goals. You are still young enough to meet a great single guy with whom you can enjoy a LTR. Nais (above) indicates she has carved out an OW niche that makes her comfortable. Maybe you can too but your OP says you know it's all wrong. You might want to listen to that little (but wise) voice. Yes, I can't imagine being comfortable as an OW. Its either become number 1 or end it. I suspect it will end. I will give it one more conversation. This sounds stupid, but I'm crazy busy with work this week and don't want to think about ending it this week because it will mess up my ability to focus. Next week I will seriously consider ending it unless the miracle occurs. Link to post Share on other sites
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