Both married in desperate need of and . Feel like running away!

[rosemond]

This is my first post although I have periodically been lurking here from time to time.

I'm sure this story has been repeated many times but as I cannot talk to anybody in RL then I was hoping somebody could help me.

 

I'm not sure where to start but basically I have been seeing my old boyfriend for the last 3 years I'm still in love with him but also love my husband and generally speaking I'm happy with him but feel there's something missing.

 

When AP and I were together during our twenties I was completely in love with him and felt we not only had incredible chemistry but complimented each other perfectly but not in a suffocating way. It was an instant attraction which grew deep and intense over time. He asked me to marry him but I didn't believe he was serious so said no and after that I felt we drifted apart and it morphed into something more casual and eventually we broke up.

 

We carried on meeting up for dinner and usually ended up in bed. I eventually felt like this was stopping me meeting somebody new so finished things completely which I found utterly heartbreaking. Later that year I met my husband who was completely different to him. Very kind, gentle, thoughtful and non-game playing. Ex-boyfriend had been very charming, intense, thoughtless sometimes and arrogant but fun and tender too.

 

I was very happy meeting somebody who was my friend, who I was attracted to but I didn't feel played or messed about. We got married and were happy but after a few years curiosity got the better of me and one night at a party I sent a text to ex-b saying hello etc. I didn't even know whether that was still his number but I was excited when he replied. We continued to text each other for several weeks (very platonic and friendly) but then he suggested we meet up. I thought this was a bad idea but thought I was over the whole thing being very settled and happy. I saw it more as confronting some old demons.

 

However when we met up all of my old feelings came back. It was wonderful to see him again. It transpired he was married too. It was clear that the chemistry was still there for both of us but nothing happened and I suggested we have dinner sometime just as friends. However later that evening I received a text from him saying how seeing me had blown him away, how he still had very strong feeling for me and would love to see me but not just friends.

 

We met up for dinner and afterwards the attraction was so strong we ended up kissing very passionately and saying how we still loved each other. We carried on meeting up every couple of weeks which I thought I could handle but as time has gone on I know I am head over heels in love with him and our short meetings an afternoon here and there lunch, dinner, coffee etc are not enough and saying goodbye each time has become harder and a wrench.

 

He is a strong gregarious man who it seems has married a "sensible choice" and is in one of these brothers and sisters marriages. He's very sexual and uninhibited and enjoys it. It seems she does not.

 

He has told me that he will not leave her and their marriage is "ok".

 

I feel incredibly upset that he's living a lie to save face and seems to be missing out on true love. To be they seem like room mates who have had a child. That's it.

 

I have tried to finished this 3 times now. Every time one of us gets in contact after 6 weeks to "stay friends" but then we are back texting and seeing each other again. Each time the feelings are stronger and deeper.

 

My head tells me to get some courage and finish it but my heart feels like it's been ripped out every time we attempt NC.

 

I have seen him recently where it was so passionate and intimate I was almost in tears when he left. Hearing him tell me he loves me while knowing that I missed out on him is too much to bear.

 

Sorry for this real long story. Any advice would be very welcome.

[Devastated1969]

Gently, read the thread by Mickey1982. It shows the heartbreak and reality these situations often end with. Take care

[rosemond]

Thank you for pointing me to this thread. I need a reality check ASAP. So hard when you can't discuss anything with a girlfriend.

[Scott Thomas]

Is divorce an option? Why stay married to someone you don't love?

 

How long have you been married? Any kids?

 

Is there something specific that you're looking for eg ending the A, ending your M, recovering your M or keeping both men?

 

In any case, we'll be happy to offer our opinions.

Edited March 24, 2014 by Scott Thomas

[gettingstronger]

I feel like the fact he was your BF in your 20's is telling- as we get older we long for those carefree younger days when we had less stress and the world was wide open- is it possible you are trying to recapture that part of your life for some reason- and if so, can you figure out why and how to deal with it in a healthier way?

[gettingstronger]

He is a strong gregarious man who it seems has married a "sensible choice" and is in one of these brothers and sisters marriages. He's very sexual and uninhibited and enjoys it. It seems she does not.

 

 

 

If I had a dollar for every person that claims to be in a brother/sister marriage I would be rich- I think this is an excuse- who would have an affair with someone that admits that they still have passion for their spouse but for whatever reason is looking for a little more-I know our OW said something about my marriage being stable and brother/sister- when I asked my husband why he said this he said- I needed to frame it that way for both of them so it made it seem OK- it gave the message that he would not leave while also giving him the excuse he needed to be selfish-JMO

[Scott Thomas]

So to summarise:

 

 

1. You like your H and the lifestyle he provides.

2. You love the AP.

3. The AP will sleep with you but won't end his marriage.

4. You plan on continuing this

 

Did I miss something?

Btw your story is a classic case as described by Michelle Langeley in her book 'Women's Infidelity'. You might want to read it...

[rosemond]

Thank you for your replies.

 

Some more info.

 

I do love my husband yes we have a very nice life together. He's attractive, kind and funny perhaps too nice for me? We don't have children and not planning to have any. We still have a good sex life.

 

I have met my AP's wife socially many years ago and couldn't believe that was who he married. She seems very introverted, dependant on family, not interested in socializing which seemed an odd match for a outgoing, gregarious person who enjoys an active social life. She seemed a bit dull if I remember not unattractive but vanilla. When he's at home he says they stay in a lot watching TV and says he's envious of my social life.

 

I guess what I want to know whether I should be thankful for what I have, NC with the ex-b and stick to my resolve.

 

Or leave and start afresh.

[rosemond]

H and I have been together for 9 years. AP and I were together for 2 years then on and off for another year.

[confusedandhurt2002]

I would hate to see you get used, first, but also for him to hurt his wife and you your husband. Just because she might be boring in your mind doesn't mean she isn't a person with feelings. I would encourage him to either tell her about this or for you to be the bigger person and walk away for the sake of the wife. I can tell you from personal experience how much it hurts to be betrayed and how it destroys you from the inside out. Try to think of the other woman, even though your feelings are strong. Don't be afraid to look at the infidelity forum where there is a lot of pain expressed to give yourself a bit of a wake up call to the reality of what you are doing. Maybe it will wake you up a bit from your fog? Best of luck....

 

 

This is my first post although I have periodically been lurking here from time to time.

I'm sure this story has been repeated many times but as I cannot talk to anybody in RL then I was hoping somebody could help me.

 

I'm not sure where to start but basically I have been seeing my old boyfriend for the last 3 years I'm still in love with him but also love my husband and generally speaking I'm happy with him but feel there's something missing.

 

When AP and I were together during our twenties I was completely in love with him and felt we not only had incredible chemistry but complimented each other perfectly but not in a suffocating way. It was an instant attraction which grew deep and intense over time. He asked me to marry him but I didn't believe he was serious so said no and after that I felt we drifted apart and it morphed into something more casual and eventually we broke up.

 

We carried on meeting up for dinner and usually ended up in bed. I eventually felt like this was stopping me meeting somebody new so finished things completely which I found utterly heartbreaking. Later that year I met my husband who was completely different to him. Very kind, gentle, thoughtful and non-game playing. Ex-boyfriend had been very charming, intense, thoughtless sometimes and arrogant but fun and tender too.

 

I was very happy meeting somebody who was my friend, who I was attracted to but I didn't feel played or messed about. We got married and were happy but after a few years curiosity got the better of me and one night at a party I sent a text to ex-b saying hello etc. I didn't even know whether that was still his number but I was excited when he replied. We continued to text each other for several weeks (very platonic and friendly) but then he suggested we meet up. I thought this was a bad idea but thought I was over the whole thing being very settled and happy. I saw it more as confronting some old demons.

 

However when we met up all of my old feelings came back. It was wonderful to see him again. It transpired he was married too. It was clear that the chemistry was still there for both of us but nothing happened and I suggested we have dinner sometime just as friends. However later that evening I received a text from him saying how seeing me had blown him away, how he still had very strong feeling for me and would love to see me but not just friends.

 

We met up for dinner and afterwards the attraction was so strong we ended up kissing very passionately and saying how we still loved each other. We carried on meeting up every couple of weeks which I thought I could handle but as time has gone on I know I am head over heels in love with him and our short meetings an afternoon here and there lunch, dinner, coffee etc are not enough and saying goodbye each time has become harder and a wrench.

 

He is a strong gregarious man who it seems has married a "sensible choice" and is in one of these brothers and sisters marriages. He's very sexual and uninhibited and enjoys it. It seems she does not.

 

He has told me that he will not leave her and their marriage is "ok".

 

I feel incredibly upset that he's living a lie to save face and seems to be missing out on true love. To be they seem like room mates who have had a child. That's it.

 

I have tried to finished this 3 times now. Every time one of us gets in contact after 6 weeks to "stay friends" but then we are back texting and seeing each other again. Each time the feelings are stronger and deeper.

 

My head tells me to get some courage and finish it but my heart feels like it's been ripped out every time we attempt NC.

 

I have seen him recently where it was so passionate and intimate I was almost in tears when he left. Hearing him tell me he loves me while knowing that I missed out on him is too much to bear.

 

Sorry for this real long story. Any advice would be very welcome.

[Mickey1982]

Gently, read the thread by Mickey1982. It shows the heartbreak and reality these situations often end with. Take care

 

Yes, read my devatstaion...3 1/2 with my soulmate who claimed that he'd lay down his life for me. He loved me more than he could ever imagine loving anyone. He wished he married me. He wished I bore his children. He wished and loved.........D-day came and guess what? He threw me and 3 1/2 years to the curb and the Mrs. became his only focus. I went from being the one he could not live without to a thorn in his side who he could not wait to get rid of. NC for the past 8 weeks. His life is going on---claims his marriage is better than ever---at my expense! The pain is unimaginable. I never thought in a million years I'd be in this place, but I am...Take my advice and RUN....I wish I had!

[Scott Thomas]

Staying and working on your marriage includes no contact with the AP for the rest of your life, telling your husband the truth and not cheating again.

Is this possible?

 

If not then leaving and starting afresh is a good idea. However, I would suggest that you spend some time seeing a counsellor and discuss this entire situation before starting another relationship. The last thing you need is to repeat this experience and cheat on your second husband.

 

Furthermore, his wife may be "dull" but she is still a human being. This "dull wife's" child is also a human being. Why destroy his life.

 

I'm a former BH, M-OM and WH. Trust me when I say this, continuing this isn't a good idea.

 

If an honest marriage isn't a choice then coming clean and divorcing is the way to move forward.

[rosemond]

It isn't just me who thinks that she comes across as dull. The description of his life with her seems like one obligation after another. I would never have done that to him. I would never have made his life like a chore. Controlling and dreary. That's his life with her. You can see it in his face.

 

If he was truly happy, fulfilled emotionally and sexually, felt his wife was everything he wanted why on earth would he continue to see an old girlfriend? Somebody who he has loved and had intense experiences with? He wouldn't.

 

It's very difficult to walk away from both a marriage that makes me feel secure and loved and somebody whom I love and needs me.

[Quiet Storm]

Some of the most intense connections are the unhealthiest.

 

It is common for people to feel very comfortable with these unhealthy bonds. This is because they often have the same dynamics as a person in your past, commonly a parent. It feels familiar, and creates a magnetic attraction. Its not just positive qualities that attract us to others. Negative bonds create a feeling of always wanting to fix it, feeling like you want their approval or attention, and feeling relief or rewarded by their affection. The uncertainty leaves us vulnerable, which intensifies the feelings and makes us feel weak.

 

Also understand that his personality of game playing, or push-pull amplifies your feelings. It creates those same feelings of vulnerability and uncertainty. The drama recharges the emotions.

 

Just remember that intense feelings doesn't always mean its meant to be. Sometimes its a sign to stay far, far away. Protect your heart and your marriage by ending contact and staying away from this guy.

[rosemond]

Thank you Quiet Storm.

 

Rings true with me in many ways.

 

Yes my AP does push/pull a lot. It's exhilarating when I feel I'm making him happy. He's said I'm his one big love.

 

He has said when I've tried to end it/NC "I can't do this without you".

[Scott Thomas]

Choice:

The AP or your H.

Who do you love more?

Can you live without the AP in your life?

Can you live without your H in your life?

Realistically, you can't have both. Your choice?

[rosemond]

They are different loves.

 

I know the right thing to do but I don't want any regrets.

 

I undoubtedly love my H but strangely it felt natural seeing my AP again. In the beginning I felt guilty to have such strong feelings for another man but I've known AP for 20 years so it has never been awkward. He's not a random person I met on a dating website!

 

So it's very difficult to cut the contact completely. I would always be wondering about him.

[rumbleseat]

I'm sorry to say it, but you are being a huge hypocrite re: his wife.

 

You say that in his case, how could he possibly have an A if he loves her, yet you are cheating on your H, whom you claim to love.

 

Why is it so hard to believe he is in the same boat as you?

 

His w is boring, because she is stable, reliable, a source of strength for him. How could he possibly love someone like her? Your husband is those things, yet you love him.

 

Again, why it is so hard to believe it's different with his wife?

 

You imply she isn't as interested in sex or as sexually exciting as you. Funny, but most of the people I have met in my life who seem dull turn out to be the most interesting in bed.

Seems like all his interest in sex has led to him cheating in order to gets bit more on the side.

 

Of course you see her as having so many negative qualities. After all, if she wasn't in the way, he'd come racing to be with you. She is , in effect, your competition. Yet he doesn't end his M. He stays. This boring, dull woman is somehow enough to make him want to stay M even though he has his " soul mate" in you.

 

Why do you think that is. Is it possible that she gives him many things that you do not? That she, being quite different than him, gives him something you can't?

 

Most likely, he was a little bored at home, had a bit of a wandering eye ( had maybe even had a fling here and there), then along comes you, and it sure didn't seem to take much effort on his part to lead you back into his life and his bed.

 

I'd think about that, and it would also keep in mind the old saying about " before removing the mote in thy neighbours eye, attend to the beam in thine own" . Before worrying so much about what's lacking in his life and m to make him cheat, why not turn that lens around and take a look at yr own life. Put your own life in order before you begin to worry about his. He's a big boy, and one who lies at that. Keep in mind that if he can lie to her, he sure as h@ll can, and will, lie to you in order to keep you.

 

Are you being truthful (100%) with no " white lies" to protect his feelings? If not, then why are you so sure he isn't doing the same to you?

[jellybean89]

Totally agree with Rumble...

 

You have such disdain for his wife; is it because she 'won' him and not you? Is it because he is married to her and you are jealous? Is it because he has told you he isn't leaving his wife so therefore, you need to speak poorly of her/talk poorly of her....yet he goes home to her every night.

 

You reached out to him -- you invited him into your life. He didn't reach out to you. I do not mean to make this crass, but you are a 'sure thing' for him. He knows what he will have with you - intense sex. But he has his wife at home to build a life with, a future with..he has chosen her. You hang on because you don't want to let the wife 'win'. But she has....so let go. Let him go live his life.

 

He tells you he envies your life; yet I would bet that he love his home life. Sure, with you he can party and get drunk and all that...but in the end, he stays with his wife.

 

Put the past to rest. What happens if your H finds out of your deception? Are you okay with him kicking you out? And let's pretend the cheaters wife finds out...I'd bet he begs her to reconcile and forgive him...and again, where does that leave you?

 

If he wanted to be with you - he would be. But he has chosen you for the OW role; not the role of W. Focus on that. Let your H go -- let him go find someone who rocks his world. Let him find someone who would be loyal and honest with him. Let him find someone who loves him enough not to cheat with an old boyfriend.

 

Please, please .... let your H go and then you can focus on the MM. He may never choose to leave his wife; but at least your H won't have to endure your cheating. I hope you are using protection too because that isn't fair to the wife or your husband.

[rosemond]

Yes I completely understand what you're saying however life isn't as clean cut as that!

 

I've never said my husband is boring or doesn't make me happy. He does.

 

I look at AP and see nothing but frustration and obligation in his life. When we meet up he looks like the life has been sucked out of him.

 

Of course he's not going to leave her. Her family breathing down his neck, selling their house, breaking up his cosy sensible set up. Of course not.

 

It doesn't mean that he's happy though. I don't think he wants to rock the boat or be seen as the bad guy.

 

That's why I've become so desperate about the whole thing.

[rosemond]

Can I just make a few things clear.

 

We do not "party and get drunk". I socialize and travel for business and privately. He used to too. We are incredible careful about sex. We are both very discreet and I never bad mouth his wife or my husband.

 

He has met my family and knows my mother well.

 

A few posters asked about his relationship hence I mentioned his wife.

 

Before I contacted him initially after years of no contact he himself had repeatedly text me asking to meet up some years before when I was first dating my husband. I politely asked him to stop contacting me.

 

For me seeing him again is not about reliving a past love I can't have but seeing a man I care about and love.

[rumbleseat]

Yes I completely understand what you're saying however life isn't as clean cut as that!

 

I've never said my husband is boring or doesn't make me happy. He does.

 

I look at AP and see nothing but frustration and obligation in his life. When we meet up he looks like the life has been sucked out of him.

 

Of course he's not going to leave her. Her family breathing down his neck, selling their house, breaking up his cosy sensible set up. Of course not.

 

It doesn't mean that he's happy though. I don't think he wants to rock the boat or be seen as the bad guy.

 

That's why I've become so desperate about the whole thing.

 

Think about what you just wrote, and reverse the situation.

 

If we were to ask him for a candid answer, I wonder what he would say about you and your M? Would it be much different?

 

What if we were to ask him about his M?What would he tell us, vs. what he tells you?

 

Does he know you still love your H?

 

Does he know you secretly would be happy if he left his w?

 

 

It honestly seems as if you are seeing what you want to see, and it's no wonder.

You love the guy, so you see his positives and Downey his negatives. Most people in love do that.

Your problem is that you are not two single people, you are both M.

 

As for this mm, he sounds like a real catch. Trying contact his old flame who has moved on while he is either married himself or on the road there.

 

Paging you love him, but those rose colored glasses are really blurring the view.

[rosemond]

My situation and life is different to his.

 

I don't ever feel like his wife really knows what she has. She seems complacent and doesn't care as she has him where she wants him. Doesn't appear to make an effort. This is what I glean and after meeting her years ago makes perfect sense.

 

She thought because she had married him she had locked him down. They don't even go on date night or have adult time. It's family time obligations and chores.

[whichwayisup]

My situation and life is different to his.

 

I don't ever feel like his wife really knows what she has. She seems complacent and doesn't care as she has him where she wants him. Doesn't appear to make an effort. This is what I glean and after meeting her years ago makes perfect sense.

 

She thought because she had married him she had locked him down. They don't even go on date night or have adult time. It's family time obligations and chores.

 

You guess, you assume but you really don't know as you're on the outside looking in. To make that assumption only meeting her once many years ago, that is not fact.

 

For me seeing him again is not about reliving a past love I can't have but seeing a man I care about and love.

 

But you're married. How unfair is this to your husband? How would you feel if your H was doing this, having an A with some other women he knew, reconnected with now loves and cares about her, and he was doing what you are doing now? Do you see how selfish this is? Sorry to be blunt. No good is going to come of this and so many innocent people will be hurt when you two are busted.

[rumbleseat]

My situation and life is different to his.

 

I don't ever feel like his wife really knows what she has. She seems complacent and doesn't care as she has him where she wants him. Doesn't appear to make an effort. This is what I glean and after meeting her years ago makes perfect sense.

 

She thought because she had married him she had locked him down. They don't even go on date night or have adult time. It's family time obligations and chores.

 

Again, how do you know any of this?

If you want to know the truth, why not ask her? If their m is so horrible for him and he's so miserable and you want to swoop in and have him, go right ahead and do it. Call his w. Tell her how wonderful he is, how much he deserves and how you are the one to give it to him.

After all, the two of you are so much in love, that he's bound to come running to your arms, whole the theme from Romeo and Juliet plays in the background, the sun setting above as you run off together, freed from his ball and chain.

 

( yes, I am being sarcastic, as I'm hoping you will see how ridiculous it all is)

 

As for your own life, attend to that before you worry about his. If you love your h, but want to have someone else too doesn't he deserve to know instead of having you lie, lie and lie some more to him? Maybe you just aren't cut out to be with only one person at a time. Some people aren't. If that's the case,be honest and ask him for an open marriage. Allow him the same opportunity to see other people on the side. Give him the chance to have sex with an other woman the way you do with this other guy. Let him feel the joy of love with someone else while he's still married. At least that way, it will all be above board and you won't have the guilt nagging at you.

How would you feel about that, would you be okay with him seeing someone else too?

If you can't do that, then at least have the decency to own up to what you are doing and let him go.