msoptimistic Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Not sure where to turn or what to do...been in relationship with MM for 19 months and his wife just intercepted a text...needless to say its over in a heartbeat and my heart feels literally broken into pieces. Oh, I know it had to happen...we were playing with fire and now have officially been burnt. After reading posts on here for the past couple of weeks, I have known that I needed to break it off and really felt I had been working in that direction, but now it's all crashed so suddenly...15 minutes ago to be exact. I was ready to give up everything...my M, move to another town, whatever it took...I have no clue how to go home tonight and face H and him not be able to tell that I have never ever felt worse in my entire life. Everyone on here is so right when they say you shouldn't change or accept less than you deserve, but in that A fog, you always think you'll be different...there was no NC, as of this morning, we were texting, talking and planning to meet...now it's all gone...I know this is what should have happened and I know I am paying for my own actions, but that does not lessen the hurt one little bit...haven't cried this hard since a miscarriage years ago and never thought I could ever hurt that badly again...could someone please tell me it passes??? Or what to do next???
janedoe67 Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 I could do the whole "affairs are wrong how dare you" thing, but you are not stupid so I know you already know that. Regardless, I know it hurts, and any time a human hurts, compassionate people should care. I am sorry you are going through this. I know it doesn't feel this way AT ALL right now, but this can be a blessing even with the pain. You already were beginning to realize that it had to stop. Reach out for support and try to learn from it. 3
underwater2010 Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Tell your husband....before she does. 6
Author msoptimistic Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 She has no way of knowing who I am...untraceable phone and he thinks he fairly well covered his tracks, but the catch was when I asked him how he felt and if he was sad about losing her, his answer was "I'm sad if I lose everything I've worked for." That makes me feel really special...I absolutely know I was wrong, terribly wrong...I did confess everything to my H last summer and swore to end it and did for awhile, but like so many, it started back up pretty quickly and pretty heavily...if I tell H now that it went on after I confessed, there will be no saving the M...had myself convinced I didn't want to save it anyway, but I was living in a dreamworld...that's totally unfair to everybody involved...H didn't realize he was fighting the unwinable battle against the "grass is greener" syndrome...I think I'm in a bad way because it was all so sudden...I answered a text and his reply was "My wife just picked up my phone etcccc....just hearing him refer to her as my wife as pretty shocking...worst pain ever...
whichwayisup Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 I was ready to give up everything...my M, move to another town, whatever it took...I have no clue how to go home tonight and face H and him not be able to tell that I have never ever felt worse in my entire life. Since it seems you were planning on leaving your husband and move away, here's your chance to come clean - Tell your husband the truth and then divorce him. You'd be better off telling him because it won't be long before your exMM's wife calls and tells him about the affair. Grieve the losses and do get help if you feel you can't handle this on your own. Counseling can be a godsend. 6
whichwayisup Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 She has no way of knowing who I am...untraceable phone and he thinks he fairly well covered his tracks, but the catch was when I asked him how he felt and if he was sad about losing her, his answer was "I'm sad if I lose everything I've worked for." That makes me feel really special...I absolutely know I was wrong, terribly wrong...I did confess everything to my H last summer and swore to end it and did for awhile, but like so many, it started back up pretty quickly and pretty heavily...if I tell H now that it went on after I confessed, there will be no saving the M...had myself convinced I didn't want to save it anyway, but I was living in a dreamworld...that's totally unfair to everybody involved...H didn't realize he was fighting the unwinable battle against the "grass is greener" syndrome...I think I'm in a bad way because it was all so sudden...I answered a text and his reply was "My wife just picked up my phone etcccc....just hearing him refer to her as my wife as pretty shocking...worst pain ever... If he wants to save his marriage and she asks who you are, he will tell her. Since you know now your marriage more than likely is over, you have nothing else to lose, come clean and let the chips fall where they are going to fall. Never know, your husband could love you enough to give you another chance. Hiding it and lying about it now is pointless. 4
Sub Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 She has no way of knowing who I am...untraceable phone and he thinks he fairly well covered his tracks, I wouldn't be to sure of this, unfortunately. She'll want to know who you are, and he'll most likely have to choose between protecting you or R'ing with her. 5
Appreciate Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 I agree with the above two posters. Can you imagine being the wife and not demanding to know who the woman was he was having an affair with for 18 months? What, he's going to lie about your name, your marital status, what you do, are you younger, prettier, etc. Eventually that will come out. If your H finds out from her, it is much worse than finding out from you. What will you tell him? You don't regret the affair and you would have left him for MM, so there's not much to work with here. 2
proseandpassion Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Take care of yourself. Get rest (take pills to sleep if you can't), eat meals, work. Setting up a routine and focusing on self care will help you. If you are a musician--even better. Playing music occupies the brain completely and won't give you any room to feel much, except the meditative joy of making beautiful music.
Leelou Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 No one likes to lose. No one likes to lose what belongs to them, and what they worked so hard for. Or to lose things that they enjoy. In this sense, both you and MM stand to lose a lot... he stands to lose his marriage, his wife's trust and love, his reputation, his lifestyle, half his assets, any family life he has, etc and you stand to lose the security of your marriage, with your comfortable lifestyle, and your husband. When you have all these things, you may take them for granted, and look around for 'extra' things... like the benefits of a secret, and exciting, forbidden love affair... then you feel like that's the cherry on the top of your life. But don't confuse the 'extra's' as being better than the stable and secure assets in your life! Of course MM is going to cut contact with you! He stands to lose everything he has, just for enjoying some cherries of life with you! Be grateful that you had him for a time in your life, that he was a 'gift' that added love, validation, appreciation, and excitement -- and now you cannot have him anymore. Because that would mean trading EVERYTHING for just the bonus! It would make no sense for him to throw everything away to chase after you, would it? Be honest now. It was fun while it lasted, but now he has to 'pay the piper' and that's not easy or fun, and it comes with 'interest' so he has a whole lot of begging to do, and working extra hard to hold on to what he cherishes and values. Just because he values and cherishes having his wife and family and home, does not detract from the fun time he had with you! If he had it HIS way, he would have happily continued 'having his cake and eating it too' but now he has to put things straight. Try not to take his choice of his wife and life, over the affair, as a personal insult to you. It is over now. You simply have to weigh up the cost involved (the pain you feel now, the loneliness you will suffer for months, the anguish of feeling second-best and unwanted) and you will have to decide if it was worth it in the end, or not. It if was worth it, you will become a serial cheater. If you decide it was NOT worth it (if the pleasure you got from your affair was not worth the pain you now suffer), then you will make up your mind to NEVER cheat again. You will either avoid the unbearable, or you will try again, the drama and the excitement of the heady affair. This is Pay the Piper time. 9
Author msoptimistic Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 I think this is shock...I saw a counselor last week and his advice was "the last time you talked to your MM was the LAST time you talked to your MM." Now I wish I would have listened...I had gotten so invested in this relationship...but I know it couldn't have worked...my rational mind has been telling me for a long time that it couldn't work and all the turmoil and deceit was just putting off the inevitable...I think I just hadn't actually reached the point that I was ready to deal with it...I cannot imagine no phone call this evening...no text tomorrow...no visit over the weekend...everything I had emotionally was tied up in this man... Telling H is just not an option in my book right now...if wife tells him then its over, if I tell him then its over, so right now all I can do is try to survive till I see where the chips may fall...just don't think I could emotionally handle both at the same time... I keep seeing his picture in my head and when he called to tell me she had seen the text, I said then this is the end...his response was No, we just have to lay low for awhile...I just can't do that...being the other woman is like being a runner up in a competition with your MM being the prize...you know he goes home to her every night and after reading these posts, I know he's making love with her too...Valentine's Day is coming up and it was going to be hard anyway but it will sure be hard knowing he's trying to make up with her to save his "stuff"....I just have to find the strength and self respect to walk away...I had an untraceable phone just to communicate with him which I have turned off...he doesn't have my other number...he doesn't have my email and he doesn't know exactly where I work...all our communications were through that phone so as long as its off there will be NC... But on the bright side, I've had friends hugging me and telling me they love me all day, I have two beautiful children, I have a H who is still hanging in there at the moment that I did love at one time so maybe we can find that again??? I have a family who knows nothing about this but have always been there for me...I have a job I love...the only thing I don't have is the love of my life...I so hope this is rock bottom and things get better just don't know how much more sad I can stand.... Thanks for listening... 2
Sub Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Telling H is just not an option in my book right now...if wife tells him then its over, if I tell him then its over, so right now all I can do is try to survive till I see where the chips may fall...just don't think I could emotionally handle both at the same time... You may be able to salvage some trust, however. As the parents of two kids. If you tell him, it'll be over but you may get some points for telling him yourself and he MAY be able to trust you as the mother of his children. If she tells him, I can't see how any of that is possible. I have a H who is still hanging in there at the moment that I did love at one time so maybe we can find that again??? Please don't do this to him. Don't take him for granted. You don't want to be the "runner up in a competition". Don't treat your husband like one. 5
Author msoptimistic Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 Good points, he is not the father of my 2 kids...this is a second marriage for both of us...I don't want him to feel like a runner up cause this really sucks...just not there to tell him right now, maybe its just too raw or the hurt is unbearable, but I just don't think I can right now...maybe I'm wrong again, but I don't have a script to go by...just no good answers from my point of view....and the worst is I did this all to myself...not looking for sympathy, just how do I even get out of bed in the morning cause the first thought I've had for so long was just a couple more hours and we'll be talking...now never no more????
blue963 Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 I think you should just be patient and wait. No need telling your H yet. You may create more of a problem. This is a time to be very careful with your actions because these are big decisions. You must be in the right frame of mind. Once you do them they cannot be undone. 1
whichwayisup Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 .he doesn't have my email and he doesn't know exactly where I work...all our communications were through that phone so as long as its off there will be NC... Throw the phone out. Done, A is totally over and there's NC automatically. As long as you have that phone, you're tempted one day to turn it on. As for your husband, you don't love him and were planning on leaving and moving away from him, so now that you've lost your MM, why would you stay married? Unless you believe there is something to salvage, the love will come back one day? From what you've said and your actions too, have shown that you do not love your husband and are very detached from him. 1
ComingInHot Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 This stood out to me, "...A H I did love at one time maybe we can find that love again". If it was You who allowed Your love to die AND You Won't tell him the truth, how is there a "we" in finding Your love for Your H "again"??!? That seems like A lot to put on a Spouse who is ALREADY trying to recover from the betrayal of Infidelity And who is UN - AWARE of the truth of His current reality. ... How can You KEEP Lying to him? 2
Berkley Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 I think you should just be patient and wait. No need telling your H yet. You may create more of a problem. This is a time to be very careful with your actions because these are big decisions. You must be in the right frame of mind. Once you do them they cannot be undone. Agree 100% ! It's been less than an hour...don't make any life changing decisions right now. Let yourself heal from the shock and the pain before you decide on your next move.
Author msoptimistic Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 Now been 8 1/2 hours and still can't believe it...I expected to open that text to some sweet remark not my wife just picked up my phone...swing from crying uncontrollably to that SOB referred to her as his wife...did try talking to H and told him we have alot of issues to work on and apologized for having been "absent' for a long time..is it right to try to work on it because MM is out of the picture? Probably not but apologizing on any level is all I could do right now. Yes in all honesty I've thought about how soon I could contact him and ask how he is but we all know that is just a feeble attempt to maintain contact in hopes that something changes...I believe tomorrow will be on a minute by minute basis for NC...any longer time period and I'll never make it... Is it normal to hope for one of those sappy movie endings where he comes to his senses and realizes he cant live without me cause I've had 1 or 2 of those too...I just never thought I'd be here...friends have already been wonderful but I am assuming time is the only thing that is gonna help? Play with fire and you're gonna get burnt and boy does it hurt...truly never experienced pain on this level. Getting out of bed will be my first test...have wondered if he would try to contact after everything blows over...maybe getting rid of phone is the best idea...will have to work toward that...seems so permanent! Thanks so much for every comment and please say anything else I need to hear!
xAkulax Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 (edited) i'm sorry to hear about your situation but i don't think sitting idly by hoping his wife does not call your husband is NOT a smart move. you need to own this first and tell your husband what's been going on before she lays down her wrath. Better to be the bearer of bad news then the message. Edited February 5, 2014 by xAkulax 1
whichwayisup Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Your husband is going to know something is very off, not sure how you can hide this type of pain from him. Cry it out and DO call a trusted friend, you need that shoulder right now.
Berkley Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 I'm confused as to why you're so upset that he called his wife, his wife?? He's married, you know he has a wife. 9
whichwayisup Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Your husband is going to know something is very off, not sure how you can hide this type of pain from him. Cry it out and DO call a trusted friend, you need that shoulder right now. maybe getting rid of phone is the best idea...will have to work toward that...seems so permanent! Thanks so much for every comment and please say anything else I need to hear! Your A is over. Now, whether or not you and your husband divorce, exMM and his wife stay together or divorce, if you two are meant to be, in the future when the timing is right, you'll find another again. But, don't go hoping and wishing for that - Right now you're raw and emotional. I do think hiding your phone in a safe place and leave it off for at least a month is what you need to do. I'd love to hear that you smashed it, but only do that if you feel it's necessary. Bolded. You asked for it! Come clean, tell your husband the truth, this is the only fair and respectful thing to do. He has to hear this from you, not exMM's wife.. which leads me to the next thing - You called him an SOB for him referring to her as his wife. You refer to your husband as your husband? Just trying to understand that part of it since you both are married. You both lied to your spouses, both betrayed them and chances are, each of you told lies or omitted truths from one another during your affair. More likely as to not 'hurt' each others feelings. Grieve and cry, just whatever you do, don't reach out to him.
Leelou Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 (edited) how do I even get out of bed in the morning cause the first thought I've had for so long was just a couple more hours and we'll be talking...now never no more???? How? You switch to thinking that thank god he's not dead and even though you won't be seeing him or talking to him ever again, at least he is alive and happy. Wish him well in your heart and move on. For what it's worth, I think it's wrong for you to 'try' again with your husband only because your exMM is focusing on his wife. Don't do that to your H. Are you 'trying' so that when you inevitably fail (due to not being open and honest with him, of course that will be the only result - failure to have a strong marriage... you simply cannot succeed, based on lies, cover-ups, and deceit... it's not possible), you can then blame HIM... make him think it's HIS fault the marriage 'isn't working'? Don't 'try'. That's a half-assed attempt, not a REAL try. So it's not gonna work, and you shouldn't waste anyone's time, and certainly you shouldn't mess with your H's sense of reality - that's cruel. Either tell H the truth, or DON'T 'try' to make the M work - just carry on with life like you did before, or divorce him. Don't lie AND pretend to be 'trying'... that's not how marriages work... that's how they fail. Edited February 5, 2014 by Leelou 2
Author msoptimistic Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 Got out of bed and made it to work...but that first thought about what all happened yesterday hit like a ton of bricks this morning. Been reading these posts and my crazy thoughts are going like this...I guess it hurt to get a text saying my "wife" just picked up my phone because we had always just referred to her as "her" and he avoided using the term wife and he didn't have to use it in this text...I guess its just little things like that that I focused in on...I don't really know... Yes, I do think we were both deceitful with each other while being deceitful with our spouses...I look back at big honking red flags that I knew but chose to ignore...just last week his ringtone for her was "Say you, say me...say it together faithfully..." whatever that Lionel Richie song is...and I knew then that I was only seeing what I wanted to see... I get all the advice about the M and how to deal with H, he knew about the A, just didn't know it had continued and is truly just now ending...so have I been totally unfair the whole time? Absolutely, I've been just plain wrong...but there are some things that just can't be put into words on a discussion board...he knew the depth of my feelings toward MM as he has been there before in his first marriage...he chose to stay and try to make his M work, but he knows the A was the beginning of the end for them...I stay so confused because in some ways he acts as if the A was "normal" and just something we deal with and then sometimes its the end of the world...to go into detail now would be the end without a doubt...we've never tried to shy away from discussing the A...actually probably overthink it... Having said all that rambling stuff, the fact is I have to deal with what feels like a death in my world right now...someone said to be thankful he's alive and I guess be grateful to have had what time we had together, and I guess I will get there one day but right now everything feels wrong and sad and painful and the tears just come unexpectedly.. Will be going to see a counselor this afternoon...booked an hour...probably should have booked a whole day! I keep telling myself that lots of people on here offering advice have been where I am and come out on the other side...right now that looks like Mt. Everest to climb to get to the other side! So for now...it's 7:52 a.m. here and I have not made contact...trying to quit thinking that somehow someway it's gonna all work out cause I do know it won't....do believe I will be way more sympathetic when people around me are hurting from now on cause I can honestly say been there....
cozycottagelg Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Thinking of you... I can't imagine how hard it must be to lose someone you love in an instant. I have questions, just for clarity. You say you confessed this to your husband a while ago, did he not ask who the man was? And if he knows, how come the wife wasn't informed, or was she? Has he had a D-day before? Did you think he would R if a D-day came? I hope you are okay... I truly do, the pain sounds horrible. <3
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