proseandpassion Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 OW here, and hating this situation. I met my MM five months ago, and at first I thought it'd just be a sexual fling... I had just gotten out of a relationship, and was feeling pretty low, but then MM made it very intense and romantic, much to my surprise, and started love bombing me 2 months in and future faking (incl. saying he wants to have a baby, wtf). His wife is suspicious, now telephones him everytime we're together, and he does get stressed/worried about it, but I've tried to end it once already and he tells me he's in love with me and blah blah. It's hard, because he does treat me great. I've never been with someone who treats me like a goddess. But part of me knows it's just so I'll be around for him whenever he needs me/wants me. He's also very possessive and jealous and doesn't want me seeing anyone else. I need this to end. When we're together, it's great. But I just cannot trust him. There is no foundation of trust. I question everything, and I think he lies about everything. I told him this and of course he said he hasn't lied--but he's a confirmed liar who lies to his wife, so how can I believe him? This lack of trust is the biggest mind f$#k. Do I need to reach that breaking point before I finally have the balls to end it for good? Part of me is so sad to let this go, but I have to know it's all a big lie...
Philosoraptor Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 You'll end it when you want to end it... it's that simple. If you truly wanted it to end it would be over. Right now what you're getting out of the relationship outweighs your desire to end the relationship... which is why you stay. 4
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I agree. If you really want it to end, you'll end it and stay away from him, making it impossible for him to contact you. You know what's what, that he is lying at times with you, that you can't trust him. Bottom line is, he is married and not divorcing. If he wanted to D he would and he hasn't. 5 months isn't that long, yes you've invested in him but really it hasn't been years and years. Don't be afraid of feeling pain and losing him. Once you get over that hump of the hurt and withdrawal (affairs can be addictive, especially the feelings) you'll be okay. Surround yourself with good trusted friends and family, those who really do care and love you. If you can't end it, then stay tuned for more roller coaster rides and strife. This is YOUR life, make it into what you want it to be. 4
Author proseandpassion Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 the thing is, I do not want him to leave his wife. I don't think I want to be with him. He's much older than me, and obviously has major issues if he's doing this to his wife! I also don't want her to get hurt. I express this to him all the time, breaking down in tears... why doesn't he show her the same consideration? That's a huge red flag. I don't even know the woman, and I worry about her feelings. I know I am not innocent. For the first three months I was pretty relaxed about it, but the last few have been awful... 1
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 the thing is, I do not want him to leave his wife. I don't think I want to be with him. He's much older than me, and obviously has major issues if he's doing this to his wife! I also don't want her to get hurt. I express this to him all the time, breaking down in tears... why doesn't he show her the same consideration? That's a huge red flag. I don't even know the woman, and I worry about her feelings. I know I am not innocent. For the first three months I was pretty relaxed about it, but the last few have been awful... You have a heart and know that the A is wrong. Question is, do you love and respect yourself MORE than how this MM makes you feel? If you can break the habit and addiction of him, you're going to be fine and feel so much happier once you do end it and grieve the loss. BE STRONG and fight hard. This guy is selfish and a cheater. A liar and he only thinks of himself. Focus on his negative qualities not how he makes you feel behind closed doors in an affair setting. 4
Author proseandpassion Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 You have a heart and know that the A is wrong. Question is, do you love and respect yourself MORE than how this MM makes you feel? If you can break the habit and addiction of him, you're going to be fine and feel so much happier once you do end it and grieve the loss. BE STRONG and fight hard. This guy is selfish and a cheater. A liar and he only thinks of himself. Focus on his negative qualities not how he makes you feel behind closed doors in an affair setting. thank you, this is great advice. I too often see the 'good' in people and even though the signs are clear it's a rotten egg I am dealing with, I so want to believe they have a good heart. This man is so sweet, and passive, and affectionate and loving and it's been tempting to believe he 'means well' - but his actions speak, VERY LOUDLY, as otherwise. The good news is he is going on holiday next week with his wife, so this is probably a good time to end it. While he's with her for a week, alone, he won't be able to contact me. 1
hippetyhop Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 End it before you invest more into the situation. Some may disagree with me, but when you do end it, let him know why. 1
awkward Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 His character is flawed. Is this the type of guy that you would normally go for or is it more of a rebound relationship? What type of guy are you looking for in a boyfriend? You are a single woman dating a creep. The sooner you figure this out the better. I do hope you decide to end it. If you are waiting on a breaking point, you might want to read some threads around here. Many of these woman haven't yet hit their breaking point, and some have been with their MM for years and years and years. And they KNOW they are dating a creep. 2
Author proseandpassion Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 This relationship is taking away my 'light' - that good energy that draws bad people to me. I feel so drained and useless. I feel so miserable and awful know that I've been duped. I had no idea what I was getting into. I was so blinded by all the attention, the affection, and the sweet words. I've never had someone say so many romantic things to me. And of course it's what I've always wanted, but it was just a lie. Ugh, this is so awful! Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement.
awkward Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 this man is so sweet, and passive, and affectionate and loving and it's been tempting to believe he 'means well' He is a cheater. He is a liar. He breaks promises. He doesn't mean well. He means to get what he can while he can from whomever will give it to him. That is someone I consider a taker, a user, even an abuser. He is taking his wife on vacation? I bet she thinks he is such a sweet hubby. Too bad she doesn't know yet. 1
Author proseandpassion Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 His character is flawed. Is this the type of guy that you would normally go for or is it more of a rebound relationship? What type of guy are you looking for in a boyfriend? You are a single woman dating a creep. The sooner you figure this out the better. I do hope you decide to end it. If you are waiting on a breaking point, you might want to read some threads around here. Many of these woman haven't yet hit their breaking point, and some have been with their MM for years and years and years. And they KNOW they are dating a creep. He's made himself into the model of what I find attractive. He's very affectionate, attentive, sweet, loving, intelligent, but I feel like it's just a very carefully planned manipulation. If it were true, and he were single, I'd like to date someone like him. But 'normal' guys don't start saying the L word less than two months into a relationship.
awkward Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 But 'normal' guys don't start saying the L word less than two months into a relationship. That is because they are not married. Have you ever been married?
Author proseandpassion Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 He is a cheater. He is a liar. He breaks promises. He doesn't mean well. He means to get what he can while he can from whomever will give it to him. That is someone I consider a taker, a user, even an abuser. He is taking his wife on vacation? I bet she thinks he is such a sweet hubby. Too bad she doesn't know yet. I consider some of the things he's done to me abuse as well. Twice now he's told me he's 'heartbroken and disappointed' by things I've done and made me work hard to win his approval back. The two things were pretty innocent - the first incident was me emailing with an ex boyfriend, the second was staying up all night drinking with a (female) friend. Yes, he's taking his wife on vacation next week. Of course he hasn't said this specifically. He said he's going on holiday, but of course that means she's going with him! Duh! She IS catching on, because she texts him nonstop and calls him nonstop. She has cheated on him before, too (or at least that's what he says--who knows if it's true). I do feel bad for her. At least I can ditch him, but she's stuck with him.
MissBee Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 OW here, and hating this situation. I met my MM five months ago, and at first I thought it'd just be a sexual fling... I had just gotten out of a relationship, and was feeling pretty low, but then MM made it very intense and romantic, much to my surprise, and started love bombing me 2 months in and future faking (incl. saying he wants to have a baby, wtf). His wife is suspicious, now telephones him everytime we're together, and he does get stressed/worried about it, but I've tried to end it once already and he tells me he's in love with me and blah blah. It's hard, because he does treat me great. I've never been with someone who treats me like a goddess. But part of me knows it's just so I'll be around for him whenever he needs me/wants me. He's also very possessive and jealous and doesn't want me seeing anyone else. I need this to end. When we're together, it's great. But I just cannot trust him. There is no foundation of trust. I question everything, and I think he lies about everything. I told him this and of course he said he hasn't lied--but he's a confirmed liar who lies to his wife, so how can I believe him? This lack of trust is the biggest mind f$#k. Do I need to reach that breaking point before I finally have the balls to end it for good? Part of me is so sad to let this go, but I have to know it's all a big lie... Most times. In my A I knew it had to end and I tried to several times but often it wouldn't last, until a breaking point came. It if often the same with other people as well. Few seem to be able to use their brains and say it needs to end and end it, most seem to go back and forth and have to reach some kind of breaking point.
Author proseandpassion Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 That is because they are not married. Have you ever been married? Nope, never have been.
violet1 Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 the thing is, I do not want him to leave his wife. I don't think I want to be with him. He's much older than me, and obviously has major issues if he's doing this to his wife! I also don't want her to get hurt. I express this to him all the time, breaking down in tears... why doesn't he show her the same consideration? That's a huge red flag. I don't even know the woman, and I worry about her feelings. I know I am not innocent. For the first three months I was pretty relaxed about it, but the last few have been awful... These are the reasons you need to end it. I was an MOW, recently had a D Day. It's one of the most painful experiences I've had. Please end it before a D Day rocks everyone's world, including yours. 1
Author proseandpassion Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 These are the reasons you need to end it. I was an MOW, recently had a D Day. It's one of the most painful experiences I've had. Please end it before a D Day rocks everyone's world, including yours. What I find weird, is that I know D-Day is coming, but he refuses to think about it. Am I dealing with someone who just isn't in reality? It sure seems like it.
awkward Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I consider some of the things he's done to me abuse as well. Twice now he's told me he's 'heartbroken and disappointed' by things I've done and made me work hard to win his approval back. The two things were pretty innocent - the first incident was me emailing with an ex boyfriend, the second was staying up all night drinking with a (female) friend. Yes and you deserve so much better than this. You know your value is better than this. Girl, you are a single woman with so much going for you. Nope, never have been. Once you are married for awhile, you will see why single guys and married guys are different animals. What I find weird, is that I know D-Day is coming, but he refuses to think about it. Am I dealing with someone who just isn't in reality? It sure seems like it. How do you feel about a D-day? What impact will it have on you, your family, your life? I think right now is a good time to think about you and let him go have his nice vacation. 1
Babolat Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 (edited) To answer your question, some people, myself included, are thinking about a "breakup" but, actually don't do it, until there is a trigger, an event if you will. Most of my breakups work out this way. The trigger is your "a ha" moment, and in some cases gives you the excuse to go. Or, it makes you realize what's been right in front of you the entire time. The event seems trivial, to them, and they may not understand the event itself causing the end, but for you, it's the strenght/courage/motivator to get you to act on what you have already been thinking about. It's occurred two times for me with my ex gf, then gf, now ex gf again. It happened to me in my marriage, only in reverse. We had a trivial argument, that turned into her saying she did not love me anymore. I was floored, like how did this argument lead to that? Looking back, it was her trigger, her event. Hope this makes sense. Edited January 21, 2014 by Babolat 1
Author proseandpassion Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 Yes and you deserve so much better than this. You know your value is better than this. Girl, you are a single woman with so much going for you. Once you are married for awhile, you will see why single guys and married guys are different animals. How do you feel about a D-day? What impact will it have on you, your family, your life? I think right now is a good time to think about you and let him go have his nice vacation. Are you saying that married men have learned that "I love yous" and sweet talk get them what they want? I mean, that makes sense. If I can avoid D-Day happening at all, that is what I'd like.
Author proseandpassion Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 To answer your question, some people, myself included, are thinking about a "breakup" but, actually don't do it, until there is a trigger, an event if you will. Most of my breakups work out this way. The trigger is your "a ha" moment, and in some cases gives you the excuse to go. Or, it makes you realize what's been right in front of you the entire time. The event seems trivial, to them, and they may not understand the event itself causing the end, but for you, it's the strenght/courage/motivator to get you to act on what you have already been thinking about. It's occurred two times for me with my ex gf, then gf, now ex gf again. It happened to me in my marriage, only in reverse. We had a trivial argument, that turned into her saying she did not love me anymore. I was floored, like how did this argument lead to that? Looking back, it was her trigger, her event. Hope this makes sense. I guess that's what I have been waiting for. I am the type that can't truly take action unless I am ANGRY. And I am waiting to get angry. Which might be silly.
violet1 Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 What I find weird, is that I know D-Day is coming, but he refuses to think about it. Am I dealing with someone who just isn't in reality? It sure seems like it. Yep, that's basically it. He's in fantasy land and thinks he won't get caught. Read posts from a variety of Waywards on this forum. 90% of them all believe they won't get caught. I also believed I wouldn't get caught either. In fact, I ended the A, but I didn't stick with NC and got caught. My H is in so much pain because of my choices. This won't be easy, but you can do this. Let this man go and don't look back. Don't make the same mistakes I did and break NC. 2
awkward Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 Are you saying that married men have learned that "I love yous" and sweet talk get them what they want? I mean, that makes sense. If I can avoid D-Day happening at all, that is what I'd like. I am going to just give one example but I can think of a handful more off the top of my head. Married men looking to date do not have the same type of dating pool that single men have. They have a liability that many women just can't overlook. But they do have something that a lot of single men don't, and that is the ability to quickly be committed to another woman. They can jump right in with the ILY's etc. because they don't have to follow through. At the end, they get to say to the other woman, well you knew I was married. When single men start with the I love you, and want to be with you, want to marry you, have babies with you, etc. it almost always comes with an expectation from the woman they are saying these things to. Great you want to marry me, where is the ring. They actually expect the guy to follow through and if he doesn't then he is probably gone. Sure married men can even give their OW a ring and some do, but they CAN'T follow through because they are already married. Plus they have all these built in excuses that even the OW will make for them. I'm sure you've read about them: kids, finances, family, pets, holidays, don't want to be the bad guy, etc. Almost all the MM/OW relationships you will read on here have the affair partners in constant communication. I mean day and night, sometimes hourly. How many single guys do this with their girlfriends after a year of dating? How many married people are in constant communication with their spouse day and night? If you want to think about another dynamic, married men often choose vulnerable women. Women who just had a breakup/divorce, would suffering from low self-esteem, women who are hurting, women who when feeling good about themselves and their life would normally laugh their asses off when hearing about poor, poor MM's sad life and his mean, unloving wife. 6
Babolat Posted January 21, 2014 Posted January 21, 2014 I guess that's what I have been waiting for. I am the type that can't truly take action unless I am ANGRY. And I am waiting to get angry. Which might be silly. I had my moment with my ex gf, then gf, now ex gf, this weekend. I finally threw everything out, or tore it up, that was "her" in my house Sunday night, and I felt anger I have not felt in a looong time. I put her stuff in a bag and left it inside the front foor. I took 24 hours to calm down, then asked if I could talk to her last night, she agreed. I was hoping to hear something to change my mind; but, I heard the same stuff, the same irresponsbile answers, and she was short and nasty with me. So, I'm done.
Author proseandpassion Posted January 21, 2014 Author Posted January 21, 2014 I am going to just give one example but I can think of a handful more off the top of my head. Married men looking to date do not have the same type of dating pool that single men have. They have a liability that many women just can't overlook. But they do have something that a lot of single men don't, and that is the ability to quickly be committed to another woman. They can jump right in with the ILY's etc. because they don't have to follow through. At the end, they get to say to the other woman, well you knew I was married. When single men start with the I love you, and want to be with you, want to marry you, have babies with you, etc. it almost always comes with an expectation from the woman they are saying these things to. Great you want to marry me, where is the ring. They actually expect the guy to follow through and if he doesn't then he is probably gone. Sure married men can even give their OW a ring and some do, but they CAN'T follow through because they are already married. Plus they have all these built in excuses that even the OW will make for them. I'm sure you've read about them: kids, finances, family, pets, holidays, don't want to be the bad guy, etc. Almost all the MM/OW relationships you will read on here have the affair partners in constant communication. I mean day and night, sometimes hourly. How many single guys do this with their girlfriends after a year of dating? How many married people are in constant communication with their spouse day and night? If you want to think about another dynamic, married men often choose vulnerable women. Women who just had a breakup/divorce, would suffering from low self-esteem, women who are hurting, women who when feeling good about themselves and their life would normally laugh their asses off when hearing about poor, poor MM's sad life and his mean, unloving wife. This makes a lot of sense. It also explains why my MM, despite claiming I am his soulmate, cannot name one specific quality I possess that he loves. I was just conveniently around. And I am vulnerable and naive because I am not cynical and have an inordinate amount of empathy. I'm also a love addict. I can't wait for this to be over so I can be alone and heal.
Recommended Posts