Let's hear it from the men, success stories involving KIDS?

[megamommy]

So, we all know that this whole affair business can be risky, people get hurt, there may or may no be happy endings..

 

 

My question is. How many of you left your wives, even though you had children with them, and what helped you get past the hurdle of leaving your children "behind", so to speak?

[veryhappy]

The demographic here is women on both sides with some men who were BS. MM do not stick around; sounds familiar?

 

I suggest you do what I did - read old threads for hours and you'll find those MM stories as well.

[GatsbyMH]

I was curious about this as well but from the woman's point of view. My AP wants to leave her husband but she hates the idea of being without her kids even part of the time. She is so scared.

[Got it]

Not a man but from my husband's standpoint I can give you his thought process.

 

This area was a major fear and some of his fears did come true. He has continued to repair the damage from the affair. For him, a major reason why he was comfortable with divorcing was his wife's affair prior to his and her lack of remorse. He has kept it from the kids (so he has bared the brunt of their anger and pain without bring this into the mix) but for his internal though process he just didn't see life with her becoming better nor her owning any piece of it.

 

So he did leave but it has taken a major hit on his relationship with his kids and he is still trying to repair it 5 years later. His ex wife paired herself up with the kids and said that he was leaving her and them (which wasn't the case he wasn't leaving them). She brought the kids into the divorce, used the oldest as a sounding board and support, refused him being able to take them to therapy (in our state both parents need to consent for minors), etc. So he has tried to muddle through, settled a very generous alimony and child support to help his ex wife, does not ever bad mouth her to the kids, apologizes to them, and just tries to make up for everything. reaches out to them, etc.

 

We see the youngest ones the most and so the relationship is the best with them.

 

But yes it does happen but it can be as people fear. I know that I really underestimated how bad things could be and that there was some validity to his fear. I humbly stand corrected.

 

My father and I have gone back and forth on my parent's miserable marriage and waiting to divorce. He had similar reasons and so they didn't divorce until the youngest went to college. I don't agree and I am not sure if we were better off for them waiting because of how bad their marriage was, but I respect his reasoning and his thought process with it.

[Owl]

To the best of my knowledge, there are a couple of MM who post here, but none of whom left their wives and started a marriage with their affair partners.

 

As mentioned previously...its a small handful to begin with that come here and post...fewer that stay...and none that I'm aware of that meet your criteria for success.

[cocorico]

So, we all know that this whole affair business can be risky, people get hurt, there may or may no be happy endings..

 

 

My question is. How many of you left your wives, even though you had children with them, and what helped you get past the hurdle of leaving your children "behind", so to speak?

 

My H left his xW when his kids were teens. However, he did not "leave his kids behind" - he brought them with him (their choice). They are now grown and left home.

[MissBee]

There are few MM here who can tell you about that straight from the horse's mouth.

[megamommy]

My MM has expressed thoughts of leaving. His major concern is that he will not be able to see his son more than every other weekend, or the new baby that is on the way.

 

Where we live they take into account who is the primary caretaker of the child and they both do exactly 50/50 work. He takes care of their son during the day and works graves, his wife takes care of him at night and works days.

 

So, IF my MM were to leave he would more than likely get visitation every weekend Thurs. night through Sunday evening.

 

I have tried expressing this to him, but he is still scared. I suppose only time will tell.

[unicorn farts]

His wife JUST got pregnant again. He's not done having kids and he's not done with her. He's just giving you an emotional reason for not leaving so you will feel too guilty to pressure him.

[Got it]

My MM has expressed thoughts of leaving. His major concern is that he will not be able to see his son more than every other weekend, or the new baby that is on the way.

 

Where we live they take into account who is the primary caretaker of the child and they both do exactly 50/50 work. He takes care of their son during the day and works graves, his wife takes care of him at night and works days.

 

So, IF my MM were to leave he would more than likely get visitation every weekend Thurs. night through Sunday evening.

 

I have tried expressing this to him, but he is still scared. I suppose only time will tell.

 

The best way to assuage fear is getting knowledge. Meeting with an attorney would tell him what his rights and likely outcome would be.

[Quiet Storm]

It upsets me when the difficult relationship between the children & father is blamed on the betrayed wife. I agree that she should not try to influence their opinions, but even if she does, it does not negate the pain that MMs actions caused his children. A vindictive BW may add fuel to the fire, but his actions are the cause of their pain.

 

Most fathers teach their children to be honest and loyal. They teach them that family comes first.

 

When a child sees their father act in ways that are against everything he ever taught them- his entire character comes into question. He seems like a hypocrite to them, a liar. They are disappointed & hurt. They feel he betrayed not just their mother, but them, as well.

 

Many feel that their father is on a quest for his happiness, at the expense of their own. Their lives get turned upside down, their mother is devastated, sometimes they have to move, change schools, etc. When they ask why and are told by their dad "I just wasn't happy. OW makes me happy.", they take it personally. They want their well being and happiness to matter to their father. They feel as if they are expected to suck it up and deal with the divorce, when their father couldn't suck it up for them. Here is a person that promised to protect them, a guy that says he'd take a bullet for them... and yet it is too much for him to live with them? They have a strong need to have their dad in their home with them, and for him to disregard that need often make them feel unloved, marginalized and unimportant.

 

Young kids often feel "Why didn't my dad love me enough to stay?". Even though MM isn't technically "leaving" his kids, from the perspective of a child- he is leaving the home they have always known. He is abandoning the "family unit". Dad may love them, care for them, etc. but it is now in another place, a place without mom. A family unit is very important to a child. To tell a child "Daddy's not leaving you, I'm just going to live somewhere else, and you'll have a room there & can visit whenever you want" is very confusing to a child.

 

Children are very self focused. Parents who think it will all be OK because "my kids will be happy that I am happy" are often sadly mistaken.

 

I know adults deserve happiness, too, but I think parents should put their kids interests first.

 

Kids benefit from divorce is if there is abuse, untreated addiction or severe mental illness in the home. Kids get annoyed by their parents bickering & arguing, but most would happily tolerate it, if they had a chance to live the alternative. It's easy for adults to say "my parents argued all the time, it drove us crazy, and we wished they would have split", but they are speaking from the perspective of someone raised in an intact family. They don't know what their experience would have been, as they haven't had to experience what kids of divorce feel.

Edited November 21, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[Got it]

It upsets me when the difficult relationship between the children & father is blamed on the betrayed wife. I agree that she should not try to influence their opinions, but even if she does, it does not negate the pain that MMs actions caused his children. A vindictive BW may add fuel to the fire, but his actions are the cause of their pain.

 

Most fathers teach their children to be honest and loyal. They teach them that family comes first.

 

When a child sees their father act in ways that are against everything he ever taught them- his entire character comes into question. He seems like a hypocrite to them, a liar. They are disappointed & hurt. They feel he betrayed not just their mother, but them, as well.

 

Many feel that their father is on a quest for his happiness, at the expense of their own. Their lives get turned upside down, their mother is devastated, sometimes they have to move, change schools, etc. When they ask why and are told by their dad "I just wasn't happy. OW makes me happy.", they take it personally. They want their well being and happiness to matter to their father. They feel as if they are expected to suck it up and deal with the divorce, when their father couldn't suck it up for them. Here is a person that promised to protect them, a guy that says he'd take a bullet for them... and yet it is too much for him to live with them? They have a strong need to have their dad in their home with them, and for him to disregard that need often make them feel unloved, marginalized and unimportant.

 

Young kids often feel "Why didn't my dad love me enough to stay?". Even though MM isn't technically "leaving" his kids, from the perspective of a child- he is leaving the home they have always known. He is abandoning the "family unit". Dad may love them, care for them, etc. but it is now in another place, a place without mom. A family unit is very important to a child. To tell a child "Daddy's not leaving you, I'm just going to live somewhere else, and you'll have a room there & can visit whenever you want" is very confusing to a child.

 

Children are very self focused. Parents who think it will all be OK because "my kids will be happy that I am happy" are often sadly mistaken.

 

I know adults deserve happiness, too, but I think parents should put their kids interests first.

 

Kids benefit from divorce is if there is abuse, untreated addiction or severe mental illness in the home. Kids get annoyed by their parents bickering & arguing, but most would happily tolerate it, if they had a chance to live the alternative. It's easy for adults to say "my parents argued all the time, it drove us crazy, and we wished they would have split", but they are speaking from the perspective of someone raised in an intact family. They don't know what their experience would have been, as they haven't had to experience what kids of divorce feel.

 

While yes one wouldn't know what it would have been like I completely disagree that kids are better off in an unhappy household than with happy parents who are divorced. I WAS that child and myself and my siblings, since we were teens have said we wished that they divorced.

 

I think it is very insulting for someone who has not grown up in this dynamic can just sweep away and minimize what it is like to have parents who actually are always fighting or (even worse) completely ignoring each other. And what it is truly like to be put in the middle of their battles.

 

Being in a household with constant tension or outright fighting is living with stress 24/7. There is no way that is healthy and contributes in children developing many unhealthy coping mechanisms as they age because of it.

[anne1707]

Kids benefit from divorce is if there is abuse, untreated addiction or severe mental illness in the home. Kids get annoyed by their parents bickering & arguing, but most would happily tolerate it, if they had a chance to live the alternative. It's easy for adults to say "my parents argued all the time, it drove us crazy, and we wished they would have split", but they are speaking from the perspective of someone raised in an intact family. They don't know what their experience would have been, as they haven't had to experience what kids of divorce feel.

 

I have to disagree. With my parents, there was no abuse, no untreated addiction at the time and no mental illness. But it was a tremendous relief in some ways to me when they finally split. The arguing between them was an awful situation to be in the middle of.

[megamommy]

His wife JUST got pregnant again. He's not done having kids and he's not done with her. He's just giving you an emotional reason for not leaving so you will feel too guilty to pressure him.

 

 

 

After recent discussions he's not 100% against leaving, he's just waiting for the baby to be born. He isn't 100% positive it's his child. She had discussed the possibility of having another one, and she ended up pregnant. He feels she may be having an affair behind his back as well.

[unicorn farts]

Well, if you believe what you read here all of these MM's wives are having affairs.

 

I suppose it'll be one less kid for him to worry about ...

[Got it]

After recent discussions he's not 100% against leaving, he's just waiting for the baby to be born. He isn't 100% positive it's his child. She had discussed the possibility of having another one, and she ended up pregnant. He feels she may be having an affair behind his back as well.

 

Does he not recall if he had sex with her? If he didn't then absolutely I think he has valid claims, if they had sex, and unprotected sex, well I think there is a good likelihood it is him. BUT if he seriously doesn't think it is his, I would seek legal counsel now as paternity will need to be challenged, etc. as he will be named the father on the birth certificate. There is quite a process to show one is not the father and it is in his best interest to start laying that foundation now.

 

Mega, I am not saying he is lying but I would take what he is saying with a heavy dose of salt. If he is just talking but not actually doing anything to take action, seek legal counsel, protect himself, then that is a red flag to me.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I have to disagree. With my parents, there was no abuse, no untreated addiction at the time and no mental illness. But it was a tremendous relief in some ways to me when they finally split. The arguing between them was an awful situation to be in the middle of.

 

This was definitely true in our situation. My dad stayed "for the kids" and it took 10 years for him to finally leave. My sister (who is the youngest and really took the brunt of their dysfunctional relationship with my middle brother) said, when dad told her "it's about time". We all agree we would have been much better off if they had split while we were young.

 

Sometimes staying together is NOT in the best interest of the children.

 

@Megamommy - believe me, this IS his child. He is and has been having sex with her. My gut says he isn't going anywhere - not for a long while and maybe never. I hate to tell you this. Not with a new baby.

[Owl]

After recent discussions he's not 100% against leaving, he's just waiting for the baby to be born. He isn't 100% positive it's his child. She had discussed the possibility of having another one, and she ended up pregnant. He feels she may be having an affair behind his back as well.

 

Amazingly convenient for him...he thinks it might be someone else's child.

 

If that's the case, then tell him to insist on a paternity test...they could potentially do it via bloodwork even prior to birth.

 

Bet you a quarter he won't even consider raising the question of paternity to her. But by raising this 'concern', he's giving himself months more access to you.

[Quiet Storm]

This was definitely true in our situation. My dad stayed "for the kids" and it took 10 years for him to finally leave. My sister (who is the youngest and really took the brunt of their dysfunctional relationship with my middle brother) said, when dad told her "it's about time". We all agree we would have been much better off if they had split while we were young.

 

 

 

I know this opinion of mine is unpopular. I do understand that in some cases, the children end up better off. It has just been my experience that the majority of children end up in worse situations. I believe research has shown this, as well.

 

If the child is lucky enough to have well balanced parents that have the children's best interest at heart, and if the children have developed healthy copings skills, then I agree. The kids are much better off. In a perfect world, it would work well.

 

However, most kids are not fortunate enough to have those circumstances. Many parents are not emotionally healthy, well balanced people. They don't model good coping skills for their children, and the kids don't have the tools to deal with their circumstances. Most are never even offered counseling to help, and are left to deal with it on their own, their parents too wrapped up in their new lives to care. They eventually grow into adults that make poor choices regarding their relationships, and rely on unhealthy coping mechanisms like denial, detachment & substances to cope. Adding a divorce to a childs already difficult circumstances just gives them a harder life, IMO. Most of the time, divorce doesn't end a dysfunctional situation. It just sets up even more dysfunction, with parents adding more dysfunctional people into the mix (new girlfriends, boyfriends, step parents, step siblings).

 

For many kids, the financial hit is huge.

 

I also feel that child sexual abuse in this country is an epidemic (1 in 4 girls, 1 in 6 boys). It has been my observation that a significant portion of the perpetrators are stepfathers, moms boyfriend, coaches, priests, etc. Kids from intact families aren't exposed to moms boyfriends. Most coach/ priest type pedophiles choose victims where the father is not in the home. A father's presence in the home is a huge deterrent. Part of a fathers job is to protect, and I just don't think they can do that as well from another home.

 

It is easy to say, I would've been better off if my parents divorced. However, if you are one of the kids that experienced the circumstances I desribed above, tolerating bickering parents would be a dream for them.

 

I do know that there are cases that do work out for the better, so I wanted to explain the reasoning for my opinion in my other post.

[Owl]

BS love to turn the kids away from the WS. Of course only perfect ones post here but in RL it is a common thing. His concern is valid but not reason to

Continue an affair.If it is true the unborn child is not his then that is a messed up home. Maybe insalvalgable.

 

Yeah, clearly we're from the axis of evil, intent upon destroying all that is good in the world.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Quiet Storm - I do understand your point of view and value it. However, I am just speaking from our own experiences. I was sexually abused as a child of about 9 years old when my parents were still together and seemingly happy - and it happened at a family Christmas. So, that is not reserved for children of divorce for certain.

 

This is just my experience based on the four of us siblings talking now years and years later. My parents "stayed for the kids" - it was unhealthy and we didn't see how a true marital partnership was supposed to work.

 

And honestly, who knows how much worse off we would have been if they had split when we were still all at home? I don't know - but it's hard to think we would have been worse off, that's for certain.

[unicorn farts]

Not sure how you got that impression. I was trying to point out that many, MANY MM falsely claim that their wives are having affairs to OW. If this MM thinks his wife is pregnant with another man's child and isn't planning to contest paternity, I'd say chances are good he is just spinning stories for Mega.

[Got it]

Sorry, I meant OP. I guess I don't get why we should support people who are trying to break up a family? And like you said cheaters will make up stories about their spouse to justify their behavior and to manipulate their affair partner.

Can't tell you how many people I've known who were cheated on who found out spouse said THEY were cheating, or they were abusive alcoholics.

 

Helen, you are not required to support said individuals. But this is the OW/OM board so supporting this individual is usually the protocol. This may not be the best board for you then.

[goodyblue]

I am sick of people using analogies to describe a relationship when there is nothing comparable to it. We are human beings and each situation is different. You may think me ending up with my fmm is not success, but when you consider the circumstances he left behind, it definitely is. He is better off, so am I and hopefully someday his ex will be too. Why should MM give up happiness and live miserably? That is selfish of a bs to ask.

[Got it]

Support can come in differing forms. In this case I am going to say, how can you use the word "success" when there is clearly nothing successful about affairs? Sure, AP's may end up together, but I will never judge success when it comes on the backs of innocent people. Kinda like the guy who would steal from his own mother to build a business...do you consider him successful? I consider him a thief. Now, had this man given his mother a business plan and asked for a loan, she would likely help him out of her own free will rather than have him take away her choices by stealing from her.

 

THAT is success.

 

Most people who have been on the receiving end of theft would agree that the "success" of the thief is unfair. Same with BS's...many people love to denigrate a BS but find themselves feeling exactly the same way when it happens to them. Most people would never cheer on someone whose happiness comes at such a high price for people who didn't ask for it.

 

OP, has MM opened the lines of communication with his wife regarding his fears about her having an affair, or is he just complaining to you?

 

And, people, stop believing every little thing you hear about the BS! I know that BS and OW alike wish to believe the other side is completely awful and deserves everything they are getting, however, MM lie, exaggerate, and just plain make things up.

 

OP, I wish everyone in your situation peace and happiness with everyone free to make their own choices. Then, if MM leaves, I would consider it a success.

 

1. I don't recall using the term success though obviously the word is going to have many meanings depending on the context of use. Based on the context of the OP's original question, my relationship would be considered a "success" and so I answered the question posed. I don't go on posts and ignore their premise and question and start posting my opinion which has little to do with the actual question.

 

2. I don't see anyone denigrating the/a BS on this thread. But one can support and be positive about aspects of their affairs, affairs, etc. and it is not tied to denigrating the BS.

 

I don't post on infidelity, on posts where the BS is in pain and start posting about the pain of the WS or OP, or even why they may be at fault. If I go I post with "the correct hat on" and am sensitive to the board that I am on.