MM issues...

[LaceyFace]

So MM and BS have been separated for awhile....she lives 9hrs away. Last month she came to talk things over with him....ended up having to stay at his place overnight. He knew I was very unhappy about this. ASIs he slept on couch downstairs when she was upstairs. Just today I happened upon two unused condoms....my heart sank. All I fear for is the worst. I cannot confront him...as these were in his desk when I was looking for a piece of paper. What would the need of those be. Expiration date is 2018 which makes me believe they are fairly new....idk what to think....I feel sick...

[eleanorrigby]

I don't think you should confront him either, it's an invasion of his privacy to go rooting around in his desk and if he found out you betrayed his trust, he might not want to continue your relationship.

[LaceyFace]

I don't think you should confront him either, it's an invasion of his privacy to go rooting around in his desk and if he found out you betrayed his trust, he might not want to continue your relationship.

 

Wasn't rooting went for a piece of paper and they were right there

[krazikat]

So MM and BS have been separated for awhile....she lives 9hrs away. Last month she came to talk things over with him....ended up having to stay at his place overnight. He knew I was very unhappy about this. ASIs he slept on couch downstairs when she was upstairs. Just today I happened upon two unused condoms....my heart sank. All I fear for is the worst. I cannot confront him...as these were in his desk when I was looking for a piece of paper. What would the need of those be. Expiration date is 2018 which makes me believe they are fairly new....idk what to think....I feel sick...

 

Well, she is his WIFE, she kinda has dibs on him.

[eleanorrigby]

Wasn't rooting went for a piece of paper and they were right there

 

Yeah but that was his desk. He should be able to expect a little privacy.

[LaceyFace]

Yeah but that was his desk. He should be able to expect a little privacy.

 

Yes alil privacy i don't plan on confronting...if there was a piece of paper in the printer or on top of desk I would have taken it, just an unlucky stumble upon....as for BS he claims he doesn't know how faithful she has been due to dating sites she has been on and past cheating history of her own....he claims he hasn't touched her. But knowing it is still his wife....sigh....I hate this situation. I've tried pulling away but it's hard. I get pulled back.

[whichwayisup]

That's got to hurt and I am sorry that you're feeling bad.

 

Unfortunately, many separated couples do have sex once in a while, whether it be by habit, being familiar with one another, or their way of saying goodbye, it happens.

 

Try not to focus on that. If he is true to his word to you and they are divorcing, then keep that in mind.

[LaceyFace]

That's got to hurt and I am sorry that you're feeling bad.

 

Unfortunately, many separated couples do have sex once in a while, whether it be by habit, being familiar with one another, or their way of saying goodbye, it happens.

 

Try not to focus on that. If he is true to his word to you and they are divorcing, then keep that in mind.

 

Thanks...that does help...I know every situation is different. When I separated even 6 months prior, I didn't want touched by my then husband, and wasn't touched by him. I just pray that he has been truthful. I keep focusing on the positives and pushing forward. I don't want to start anything if nothing happened. I do love him and I do see a future with him. As he says he does with me. I may be blinded by love....I may just be hanging onto a false sense of hope. Whatever it is, I'm holding onto that hope and faith that we will be ok through all of this.

[MissBee]

So MM and BS have been separated for awhile....she lives 9hrs away. Last month she came to talk things over with him....ended up having to stay at his place overnight. He knew I was very unhappy about this. ASIs he slept on couch downstairs when she was upstairs. Just today I happened upon two unused condoms....my heart sank. All I fear for is the worst. I cannot confront him...as these were in his desk when I was looking for a piece of paper. What would the need of those be. Expiration date is 2018 which makes me believe they are fairly new....idk what to think....I feel sick...

 

Welll....

 

You could ask him about it. You were looking for paper, you weren't snooping, so you could ask and tell him exactly what you told us, that you were looking for paper to print and there they were and could he explain. Nothing is wrong with that.

 

What is your arrangement with him? Does she know he dates?

 

Could it be possible he may be sleeping with someone else besides the BS? It seems likely esp if he is using condoms. I imagine during their marriage they didn't use condoms, as most married people don't, and they're newly separated it seems, so he would also probably "trust" that he didn't need to. Do you guys use condoms? In any case...I don't think OW should be sleeping with known married men without condoms, regardless of what they claim about not having sex with their wives. But anyway, if he uses condoms with you, then could that be just some he has left over? If he doesn't, then he could be sleeping with someone besides his BS or with her. People don't buy condoms for NO reason...so having condoms is at least a clue to something and if you and he never use them, then her and someone else use them, BS or otherwise.

 

All you can do is speculate or ask and see how he reacts and what his explanation is. But I don't see the point of this relationship you're having if you can't ask about these things.

Edited November 16, 2013 by MissBee

[LaceyFace]

Welll....

 

You could ask him about it. You were looking for paper, you weren't snooping, so you could ask and tell him exactly what you told us, that you were looking for paper to print and there they were and could he explain. Nothing is wrong with that.

 

What is your arrangement with him? Does she know he dates?

 

Could it be possible he may be sleeping with someone else besides the BS? It seems likely esp if he is using condoms. I imagine during their marriage they didn't use condoms, as most married people don't, and they're newly separated it seems, so he would also probably "trust" that he didn't need to. Do you guys use condoms? In any case...I don't think OW should be sleeping with known married men without condoms, regardless of what they claim about not having sex with their wives. But anyway, if he uses condoms with you, then could that be just some he has left over? If he doesn't, then he could be sleeping with someone besides his BS or with her. People don't buy condoms for NO reason...so having condoms is at least a clue to something and if you and he never use them, then her and someone else use them, BS or otherwise.

 

All you can do is speculate or ask and see how he reacts and what his explanation is. But I don't see the point of this relationship you're having if you can't ask about these things.

 

We don't use them as he has made clear to me the last 2years that they have been separated he hasn't touched her. One day soon I will bring up about being faithful and just have a conversation...I'm not bringing up those condoms tho.

[MissBee]

We don't use them as he has made clear to me the last 2years that they have been separated he hasn't touched her. One day soon I will bring up about being faithful and just have a conversation...I'm not bringing up those condoms tho.

 

Well my own stance is that nobody, even when dating single people, should simply be having unprotected sex with anyone just like that, as someone's word isn't the gospel truth, much less people who are married. But that is neither here nor there. If you don't care to know why he has condoms, then alright. The relationship seems very unstable though in that sense...where you can't even have honest conversations.

[LaceyFace]

Well my own stance is that nobody, even when dating single people, should simply be having unprotected sex with anyone just like that, as someone's word isn't the gospel truth, much less people who are married. But that is neither here nor there. If you don't care to know why he has condoms, then alright. The relationship seems very unstable though in that sense...where you can't even have honest conversations.

 

Really blows...I have been 100% faithful and honest with him....I know he doesn't lie....he doesn't even say anything. So there is nothing to lie about. This relationship is like a rollercoaster....up and down. All I ask for is the truth....just honesty. I'd rather him tell me if he did. Tho I know he won't.

[Journee]

Really blows...I have been 100% faithful and honest with him....I know he doesn't lie....he doesn't even say anything. So there is nothing to lie about. This relationship is like a rollercoaster....up and down. All I ask for is the truth....just honesty. I'd rather him tell me if he did. Tho I know he won't.

 

I say ask him. If you somehow know he doesn't lie. Then you will get an honest answer. This isn't just about making him upset about whether you snooped or not , this is about your health. If you do not use condoms and any woman besides you is staying the night at his house this is concerning. Finding condoms can also be concerning if he and you do not use them.

[bentleychic]

WELL, if MM looked in a specific place, he would find 2 full boxes of condoms and a half used other box. HOWEVER, I bought them for US at one time, but I don't know what to do with them now. LOL I also had a keepsake one in my pocket book for the longest time that a friend that is owner of a business that I helped start gave me. (It had a funny motto on it.) I kept it for the motto and joke, not b/c I planned to use it. (I later gave it to a friend from out of town as a momento.)

 

Is it possible that he had them for use before you or with you even?

[beach]

My bigger concern would be that he ALLOWED her to stay the night.

 

He could have paid for her to stay in a hotel - but he didn't - that would tell me everything.

 

He's not done with her/the M yet.

[beach]

We don't use them as he has made clear to me the last 2years that they have been separated he hasn't touched her. One day soon I will bring up about being faithful and just have a conversation...I'm not bringing up those condoms tho.

 

Ya, but you notice he didn't state clearly that he hasn't touched OTHER women?

 

 

Two issues to address here.

 

Why did she need to stay THERE?

 

Who did he have sex with that he needed the condoms for?

[LaceyFace]

My bigger concern would be that he ALLOWED her to stay the night.

 

He could have paid for her to stay in a hotel - but he didn't - that would tell me everything.

 

He's not done with her/the M yet.

 

Ya, but you notice he didn't state clearly that he hasn't touched OTHER women?

 

 

Two issues to address here.

 

Why did she need to stay THERE?

 

Who did he have sex with that he needed the condoms for?

 

Neither had the extra cash for hotel...she was supposed to stay at a friends house but that was 2 hrs away...so he felt bad and let her stay. And exactally.....why does he need them.....

[Speakingofwhich]

I'm with the "go ahead and ask him" posters. You were just looking for a piece of paper, not snooping.

 

Also, if he was doing anything he'd be ashamed of it seems he would have had them hidden away somewhere.

[MissBee]

Really blows...I have been 100% faithful and honest with him....I know he doesn't lie....he doesn't even say anything. So there is nothing to lie about. This relationship is like a rollercoaster....up and down. All I ask for is the truth....just honesty. I'd rather him tell me if he did. Tho I know he won't.

 

What do you mean you know he doesn't lie? Everyone lies...it is just a matter of what the lie is about and why.

 

You found condoms in his drawer and you're upset and scared to ask about them and say all you ask for is honesty, and you know he won't tell you, yet you're saying he doesn't lie...

[whichwayisup]

Thanks...that does help...I know every situation is different. When I separated even 6 months prior, I didn't want touched by my then husband, and wasn't touched by him. I just pray that he has been truthful. I keep focusing on the positives and pushing forward. I don't want to start anything if nothing happened. I do love him and I do see a future with him. As he says he does with me. I may be blinded by love....I may just be hanging onto a false sense of hope. Whatever it is, I'm holding onto that hope and faith that we will be ok through all of this.

 

Time will tell if he is truly sincere about divorcing. Just don't rely on him for everything and focus on your own life, friends, family, hobbies, etc.. Putting him first and making him a huge priority isn't good for you (right now). IF he divorces, then things will change, but until that happens remember that it's still an affair and don't put expectations on him and hopes that he may not be able to keep. Have a deadline for yourself as well. Come Spring, if he isn't in the real process of divorcing, then maybe you need to re think things until the D is final.

[whichwayisup]

Really blows...I have been 100% faithful and honest with him....I know he doesn't lie....he doesn't even say anything. So there is nothing to lie about. This relationship is like a rollercoaster....up and down. All I ask for is the truth....just honesty. I'd rather him tell me if he did. Tho I know he won't.

 

Lacey, saying nothing can also mean omitting truths. Please be realistic, this man has cheated on his wife, lied and betrayed the woman he said vows to in front of their families and friends. Don't ever fool yourself into believing he wouldn't ever lie to you... Just saying it can happen.

 

Ask him outright, 'I need to know, when your ex slept over, did you two have sex? I feel I have the right to know since you and I don't use condoms.' see how he reacts, watch him closely while he answers.

 

The thing is, put yourself in his shoes. Would you answer that question honestly?

If his answer is yes, I did have sex with her , what then? How would you feel? How would you react? He could be avoiding drama and avoiding your reaction and pain of admitting he did have sex with his wife.

[megamommy]

Unfortunately people who split up do end up sleeping together again that's just the way it goes.

 

If they were already divorced I would bring it up but they aren't. So legally she has every right to sleep with him...

[Mascara]

I know he doesn't lie

 

Did he go home and tell his wife every time he had sex with you?

[threelaurels]

So MM and BS have been separated for awhile....she lives 9hrs away. Last month she came to talk things over with him....ended up having to stay at his place overnight. He knew I was very unhappy about this. ASIs he slept on couch downstairs when she was upstairs. Just today I happened upon two unused condoms....my heart sank. All I fear for is the worst. I cannot confront him...as these were in his desk when I was looking for a piece of paper. What would the need of those be. Expiration date is 2018 which makes me believe they are fairly new....idk what to think....I feel sick...

 

On average, non-lubricated latex condoms have a shelf-life of 3-5 years and lubricated/spermicidal latex condoms have a shelf-life of 2-3 years. Non-latex condoms have a shorter shelf-life but typically have an expiration date of up to 3 years. While they differ based on brand and other factors, it's pretty clear that any condom with an expiration date of 2018 would have to be bought fairly recently. There's no way these are old condoms from a couple years ago.

 

I should highlight that condoms have uses outside of sexual intercourse when it comes to sex play, so it's possible he has them for that reason. You would know better than us if it's possible that he uses condoms on toys for himself.

 

If not, it sounds like he (a) may still be intimate with his wife, or (b) has been seeing or is planning to see someone else. I don't think you'll get the truth if you confront him about them. I think he'll just spin you a story about how he got them for free from some sort of health fair or from a doctor's clinic or whatnot.

[GypsumSatellite]

One thing you should never do is: be afraid of asking for the truth regarding something you've found out about your AP. You live in fear of upsetting his boat, you become just as blind as his BW was. Don't do that to yourself. He has no problem letting you look through his belongings alone long enough to find a sheet of paper, so he shouldn't be offended when you find condoms.

 

Say "Hey, what's with the condoms in your desk? We don't use condoms." and watch his face, watch his eyes. See how his body language is. Does he get defensive (arms crossed) does he sigh heavily (gathering strength to even his voice)? If you and him don't use condoms and you think you're his only sexual partner, that's a talk you need to have for YOUR sexual health, not the sake of keeping him as a partner.

 

If he's separated and still having familiarity sex with his W, the separation isn't as separating as you may think. If he's having sex or planning to have sex with new partners, it should be a conversation you're included on. I see the irony in that, but you have your eyes wide open. You need to ask the questions and get the answers you deserve.