How do you cope?

[KentuckyGent]

how do you deal with the punch to the gut to know that they never really cared and that you were just a vessel for their validation and ego boosting? In other words, it wasn't about you; it was about them. It's been a kick to my gut and a blow to my self-esteem (never high to begin with) to know it was never really me she claimed to love. Damn I am in my 40s and feel like a teenage girl with these feelings.

[Solcita2]

She LOVED how you made her feel...

 

She LOVED to be LOVED by you...

 

She is damaged goods, you're not.

 

Instead of feeling low because of this experience, you should now just look for the proper person to give all you know you have in you... you have the goods, you just made a mistake choosing who to give them to...

 

Does it make sense?

[Cali408]

Why are you beating yourself up? The problem is, your allowing yourself to daydream and thriving on the suffering. Stop it. You're doing the right things with no contact.

 

She's married and the situation is hopeless. You have NO chance of getting back together with her. You must accept this. Once you accept this, it will get better.

 

You're single, date and socialize. Don't compare anyone. You only saw her best side. She did love you, but she made a choice to stay.

 

You must now make the determined choice to get over it and stop beating yourself up. 40 and single is a great thing. Younger women love older men because the are more mature. Or you'll find someone great closer to your age.

 

There are 8 billion people in the world. Don't waste one more second on this broken hockey stick.

[Goodbye]

I cope by focusing on my kids when they are around. When they aren't, I stay as busy as I can trying to fix other areas of my life. I actively try and force exMM out of my mind...he creeps back in at times.

 

I am also in my 40's. It is a bit depressing to think of going through life without a deep, meaningful connection. Still, I'd rather be alone than with my exH. Nothing lonelier than living in an empty marriage. At least now I can do things I want to do...like travel, go back to school, have pets. Of course I'd rather do those things with a deep love interest...and I guess I thought that was going to be my exMM. But no, that didn't happen. Like for you, the end of my R with exMM has been more traumatic than my divorce. Awful, but survivable.

 

You need to finish your grief and then you will be a lot more open to meeting someone new. Single men in their 40's are a rare commodity...I'm sure you'll have plenty of options once you open your heart to it.

[KentuckyGent]

Why are you beating yourself up? The problem is, your allowing yourself to daydream and thriving on the suffering. Stop it. You're doing the right things with no contact.

 

She's married and the situation is hopeless. You have NO chance of getting back together with her. You must accept this. Once you accept this, it will get better.

 

You're single, date and socialize. Don't compare anyone. You only saw her best side. She did love you, but she made a choice to stay.

 

You must now make the determined choice to get over it and stop beating yourself up. 40 and single is a great thing. Younger women love older men because the are more mature. Or you'll find someone great closer to your age.

 

There are 8 billion people in the world. Don't waste one more second on this broken hockey stick.

 

I was doing great until she broke NC in August and let me know that she had left (or as is my theory kicked out because she got caught cheating with someone, not me) the marriage and was "trying to figure things out". Actually, I was much more accepting when I thought she was back in the marriage and attempting to make it work.

[KentuckyGent]

...I'm sure you'll have plenty of options once you open your heart to it.

 

 

Believe it or not, I don't. I'm reasonably fit for my age, educated, post-grad degree in law, own my home, run my own business, dress well, clean, etc. I don't get it. I feel like she was it---the last "great hope" at love. Love has been the one thing I've been an abject failure at---some of it of my own doing, immaturity, etc. It took a long time but I've grown up and I have a lot to offer someone but I have never, ever felt what I felt with exMW.

[happy stillmore]

Tell me. What would you gain if she suddenly came to you and said she wants to be with you? Would you be able to trust her? Wouldn't you always be waiting for her too move onto someone else? Would you really be able to forget the hurt she caused you? Your ego may be saying yes, you would take her but that is only satisfying the rejection you felt when she didn't originally choose you. You would secretly know she is settling because she will never be happy with anyone. What prize would you win? Not much. A selfish, insecure woman (girl) who uses others to make her feel better about herself. She is not a prize, believe me. You deserve a special woman who is confident and knows what she wants. Who is able to be honest with herself and others. Please move on from this girl who is setting you back. You need to move onto someone who can give you so much more.

 

Get out of your tunnel. There is a world of women out there!

[Cali408]

She called you because you are plan b. The backup plan. You'll get her through the divorce and she'll drop you like 3rd period French. You were being used. Embrace the fact that you haven't heard from her in a month. Be the Alpha Dog and take charge of your life.

 

What would you say to your best friend if he was being jerked around like you are? Be your own best friend.

[Red Wolverine]

I know it's difficult but you have to focus on not viewing this as a contest you lost. She choose herself, not her H.

 

I'm the winner in my situation. I'm free to find a man who is capable of loving me openly and can allow me to do the same for him.

 

I'm free to sleep well at night, not feel guilty, and live honestly.

 

One of the reasons I ended my marriage was because I didn't want my children to experience dysfunction. A bonus would be for them to see me in a healthy, loving, supportive relationship. Now, without xH or xMM, that's possible.

 

In an odd way, I'm the lucky one. I have and am capable of making CHOICES.

[KentuckyGent]

I know it's difficult but you have to focus on not viewing this as a contest you lost..

 

 

That's exactly how I view it. But again, what opened this whole thing back up is that she apparently left the marriage and got her own apt. (or was asked to leave). I was in acceptance mode knowing she had chosen her marriage and understood it. Now she's out of the house last I knew and initiated contact again but only to, in her words, "check in".

[jlola]

It took a long time but I've grown up and I have a lot to offer someone but I have never, ever felt what I felt with exMW.

 

You said EXACTLY what everyone in a toxic relationship says once it is over. They are addictive because they make you feel everything you have not felt in a secure relationship.

 

No boredom, extreme highs and extreme lows,anxiety, insecurity,competition,intermittent time together. All these set you up to have "feelings" you will not have in most normal relationships. Well, at least not as extreme or as often.

 

People mistake these extreme feelings for "soulmate" love. I mean, you think about them constantly don't you? Well, we want what we cannot have and when something is witheld from us, we want it even more.

 

I have spoken with dieters who say even f they were not craving the "unwanted foods" as soon as they were told it was a no-no, they would crave it. I have heard dieters dream of food. But only when they are on diets and it becomes a focus. They obsess when they do not have it.

 

I think one day, scientist will do more studies on how affairs and other toxic relationships effect our brains to make us addicted.

 

I have seen too many great men and women who settle for so little when they can have it all. I mean beautiful women who can have any man settling for below average with baggage to boot!

 

I have begun to note the more unstable,insecure,push-pull,(hot and cold) these relationships run. The more addicted someone becomes. Even with a person who is not even close to your caliber.

 

This is what the "seduction" industry has learned. If you can make them feel negative AND positive feelings. You have them hooked like an addict!!!! Below par men pay good money to learn these mind altering techniques.

 

I always use the book "the art of seduction" by Robert Greene as example.

He says you can drive a person near obsession if you follow his rules which coincidentally says

 

*Come under the radar, pretend to be a friend.

*Use fantasy to show them what life will be like you you,IOW future fake.

*Create triangles(affairs naturally do that) so you appear like a BIG prize to be won.

*Play the push-pull game, find reason to stay apart,so when you leave you cause low lows and then make an appearance again to create high highs.

*Give intermittent time

*Be unpredictable

*create anxiety and uncertainty.

 

Much more. But basically if a great person gives even a loser a chance to use these technique's they will become obsessed. Pretty simple. I can clearly see how this works now. Since every person I know who is going nuts in a relationship and is addicted basically has been through the rollercoaster ride of uncertainty and carrot dangling.

 

Good luck

[BruisedBNBroken]

You said EXACTLY what everyone in a toxic relationship says once it is over. They are addictive because they make you feel everything you have not felt in a secure relationship.

 

No boredom, extreme highs and extreme lows,anxiety, insecurity,competition,intermittent time together. All these set you up to have "feelings" you will not have in most normal relationships. Well, at least not as extreme or as often.

 

People mistake these extreme feelings for "soulmate" love. I mean, you think about them constantly don't you? Well, we want what we cannot have and when something is witheld from us, we want it even more.

 

I have spoken with dieters who say even f they were not craving the "unwanted foods" as soon as they were told it was a no-no, they would crave it. I have heard dieters dream of food. But only when they are on diets and it becomes a focus. They obsess when they do not have it.

 

I think one day, scientist will do more studies on how affairs and other toxic relationships effect our brains to make us addicted.

 

I have seen too many great men and women who settle for so little when they can have it all. I mean beautiful women who can have any man settling for below average with baggage to boot!

 

I have begun to note the more unstable,insecure,push-pull,(hot and cold) these relationships run. The more addicted someone becomes. Even with a person who is not even close to your caliber.

 

This is what the "seduction" industry has learned. If you can make them feel negative AND positive feelings. You have them hooked like an addict!!!! Below par men pay good money to learn these mind altering techniques.

 

I always use the book "the art of seduction" by Robert Greene as example.

He says you can drive a person near obsession if you follow his rules which coincidentally says

 

*Come under the radar, pretend to be a friend.

*Use fantasy to show them what life will be like you you,IOW future fake.

*Create triangles(affairs naturally do that) so you appear like a BIG prize to be won.

*Play the push-pull game, find reason to stay apart,so when you leave you cause low lows and then make an appearance again to create high highs.

*Give intermittent time

*Be unpredictable

*create anxiety and uncertainty.

 

Much more. But basically if a great person gives even a loser a chance to use these technique's they will become obsessed. Pretty simple. I can clearly see how this works now. Since every person I know who is going nuts in a relationship and is addicted basically has been through the rollercoaster ride of uncertainty and carrot dangling.

 

Good luck

 

This is an AMAZING post, and describes to perfection exactly what I am feeling, with a toxic xAP way below my "normal" standards. So the question is, how do you make it go away? I assume NC is the only answer.

[jlola]

This is an AMAZING post, and describes to perfection exactly what I am feeling, with a toxic xAP way below my "normal" standards. So the question is, how do you make it go away? I assume NC is the only answer.

 

No contact, just like an addict needs to with his drug of choice. Or same advice given to stop limerance. Get together with the person permanently. Consummate relationship and live together. This is usually the real wake up call where rose colored glasses come off.

 

Do any of these behaviors feel familiar?

 

24 laws of seduction

 

Choose the right victim

 

Create a false sense of security—approach indirectly

 

Send mixed signals

 

Appear to be an object of desire—create triangles

 

Create a need—stir anxiety and discontent(Stir within them feelings of discontent, an unhappiness with their circumstances and themselves. The feeling of inadequacy that you create will give you space to insinuate yourself, to make them see you as the answer to their problems. Pain and anxiety are the proper precursors to pleasure. )

 

Master the art of insinuation

 

Keep them in suspense—what comes next?

 

Use the demonic power of words to sow confusion

 

Confuse desire and reality—theperfect illusion

 

Isolate the victim

"An isolated person is weak. By slowly isolating your victims, you make them more vulnerable to your influence. Take them away from their normal milieu, friends, family, and home. Give them the sense of being marginalized, in limbo—they are leaving one world behind and entering another. Once isolated like this, they have no outside support, and in their confusion they are easily led astray. Lure the seduced into your lair, where nothing is familiar."

 

Stir up the transgressive and taboo

People yearn to explore their dark side. Once the desire to transgress draws your target to you, it will be hard for them to stop. Take them farther than they imagined—the shared feeling of guilt and complicity will create a powerful bond."

 

Mix pleasure with pain

Make them feel guilty and insecure. Instigate a breakup—now a rapprochement, a return to your earlier kindness, will turn them weak at the knees. The lower lows you create, the greater the highs. To heighten the erotic charge, create the excitement of fear."

 

Give them space to fall—the pursuer is pursued

 

Beware of the aftereffects

"Danger follows in the aftermath of a successful seduction. After emotions have reached a pitch, they often swing in the opposite direction-toward lassitude, distrust, disappointment. If you are to part, make the sacrifice swift and sudden. If you are to stay in a relationship, beware a flagging of energy, a creeping familiarity that will spoil the fantasy. A second seduction is required. Never let the other person take you for granted- use absence, create pain and conflict, to keep the seduced on tenterhooks."

[KentuckyGent]

You said EXACTLY what everyone in a toxic relationship says once it is over. They are addictive because they make you feel everything you have not felt in a secure relationship.

 

No boredom, extreme highs and extreme lows,anxiety, insecurity,competition,intermittent time together. All these set you up to have "feelings" you will not have in most normal relationships. Well, at least not as extreme or as often.

 

People mistake these extreme feelings for "soulmate" love. I mean, you think about them constantly don't you? Well, we want what we cannot have and when something is witheld from us, we want it even more.

 

I have spoken with dieters who say even f they were not craving the "unwanted foods" as soon as they were told it was a no-no, they would crave it. I have heard dieters dream of food. But only when they are on diets and it becomes a focus. They obsess when they do not have it.

 

I think one day, scientist will do more studies on how affairs and other toxic relationships effect our brains to make us addicted.

 

I have seen too many great men and women who settle for so little when they can have it all. I mean beautiful women who can have any man settling for below average with baggage to boot!

 

I have begun to note the more unstable,insecure,push-pull,(hot and cold) these relationships run. The more addicted someone becomes. Even with a person who is not even close to your caliber.

 

This is what the "seduction" industry has learned. If you can make them feel negative AND positive feelings. You have them hooked like an addict!!!! Below par men pay good money to learn these mind altering techniques.

 

I always use the book "the art of seduction" by Robert Greene as example.

He says you can drive a person near obsession if you follow his rules which coincidentally says

 

*Come under the radar, pretend to be a friend.

*Use fantasy to show them what life will be like you you,IOW future fake.

*Create triangles(affairs naturally do that) so you appear like a BIG prize to be won.

*Play the push-pull game, find reason to stay apart,so when you leave you cause low lows and then make an appearance again to create high highs.

*Give intermittent time

*Be unpredictable

*create anxiety and uncertainty.

 

Much more. But basically if a great person gives even a loser a chance to use these technique's they will become obsessed. Pretty simple. I can clearly see how this works now. Since every person I know who is going nuts in a relationship and is addicted basically has been through the rollercoaster ride of uncertainty and carrot dangling.

 

Good luck

 

You (and Robert Greene) are so right. Looking back, the feelings may have been good or they may have been bad but, by damn, at least I was feeling something. . . and it was an addiction. She did every single one of those 7 things you listed, right down to starting as "just a friend". She didn't even let me kiss her for several months. Then lo and behold invited me to a hotel room where she was staying while visiting her parents where it all just happened by "accident". It was all so intoxicating.

[KentuckyGent]

No contact, just like an addict needs to with his drug of choice. Or same advice given to stop limerance. Get together with the person permanently. Consummate relationship and live together. This is usually the real wake up call where rose colored glasses come off.

 

Do any of these behaviors feel familiar?

 

24 laws of seduction

 

Choose the right victim

 

Create a false sense of security—approach indirectly

 

Send mixed signals

 

Appear to be an object of desire—create triangles

 

Create a need—stir anxiety and discontent(Stir within them feelings of discontent, an unhappiness with their circumstances and themselves. The feeling of inadequacy that you create will give you space to insinuate yourself, to make them see you as the answer to their problems. Pain and anxiety are the proper precursors to pleasure. )

 

Master the art of insinuation

 

Keep them in suspense—what comes next?

 

Use the demonic power of words to sow confusion

 

Confuse desire and reality—theperfect illusion

 

Isolate the victim

"An isolated person is weak. By slowly isolating your victims, you make them more vulnerable to your influence. Take them away from their normal milieu, friends, family, and home. Give them the sense of being marginalized, in limbo—they are leaving one world behind and entering another. Once isolated like this, they have no outside support, and in their confusion they are easily led astray. Lure the seduced into your lair, where nothing is familiar."

 

Stir up the transgressive and taboo

People yearn to explore their dark side. Once the desire to transgress draws your target to you, it will be hard for them to stop. Take them farther than they imagined—the shared feeling of guilt and complicity will create a powerful bond."

 

Mix pleasure with pain

Make them feel guilty and insecure. Instigate a breakup—now a rapprochement, a return to your earlier kindness, will turn them weak at the knees. The lower lows you create, the greater the highs. To heighten the erotic charge, create the excitement of fear."

 

Give them space to fall—the pursuer is pursued

 

Beware of the aftereffects

"Danger follows in the aftermath of a successful seduction. After emotions have reached a pitch, they often swing in the opposite direction-toward lassitude, distrust, disappointment. If you are to part, make the sacrifice swift and sudden. If you are to stay in a relationship, beware a flagging of energy, a creeping familiarity that will spoil the fantasy. A second seduction is required. Never let the other person take you for granted- use absence, create pain and conflict, to keep the seduced on tenterhooks."

 

My ex-MW had to have written this book. I got played BIG TIME!!!

[Red Wolverine]

That's exactly how I view it. But again, what opened this whole thing back up is that she apparently left the marriage and got her own apt. (or was asked to leave). I was in acceptance mode knowing she had chosen her marriage and understood it. Now she's out of the house last I knew and initiated contact again but only to, in her words, "check in".

 

This is the equivalent of keeping you on ice. Managing you.

 

Regardless of affair or maritial status, she has way too much power. You made the choice to give it to her. Now make the choice to take it back.

 

Even if you were in a full-time, legitimate relationship with her, she'd have the power. That isn't healthy. Look at how you feel now. Imagine that all the time.

 

She's toxic. Love isn't fear. This isn't love.

[jlola]

My ex-MW had to have written this book. I got played BIG TIME!!!

 

No, your ex MW did not purposely do this. This happens in toxic and affair situations. Thing is many people do not understand why the affair or toxic relationships hurt so much! The clue is "X made me feel a way noone else did!

 

Whether it is conscious or not, these behaviors are literally a mindf**k. most people do not relate this book with affairs or toxic relationships and connect the dots to how your head can get so messed up with certain circumstances. Like a lab rat pressing the lever obsessively once he knows it is given intermittently. But previously when it was available all day and everyday, he took it for granted.

 

The obsession is the lack of availability. It is in the triangle, the fear, the anxiety, the high highs and low lows, the fantasy of how your life will be once you have this person.

 

This is why affairs and toxic relationships cause such depression. THEY MADE YOU FEEL like noone ever has. Your emotions are all over the place. happy,depressed,high,low,anxious,relief,fear,safety."I have o go work on my marriage" one week,2 weeks later, "I love you and can't live without you" Rollercoaster of emotions. Crazy making!!!

 

Normal relationships do not compare. Just read this board.

 

Once you sit down and become an observer, you begin to see the crazy toxic relationships seem to be the one people think are their "soulmates". Some people love the adrenaline.

[KentuckyGent]

jlola that is simply brilliant. A real eye opener. Excellent post.

[browneyed]

Believe it or not, I don't. I'm reasonably fit for my age, educated, post-grad degree in law, own my home, run my own business, dress well, clean, etc. I don't get it. I feel like she was it---the last "great hope" at love. Love has been the one thing I've been an abject failure at---some of it of my own doing, immaturity, etc. It took a long time but I've grown up and I have a lot to offer someone but I have never, ever felt what I felt with exMW.

 

If it makes you feel any better, I'm looking for someone like you now that I'm dating after the A ended. You guys are hard to find!

 

I know exactly how you feel too.

[Cali408]

JLola,

 

I come on here to understand why I did what I did, and help people not make the same mistakes I made.

 

I just want to say out of every thread I have read, the 3 you put on here tonight have done the most to explain everything.

 

It all makes sense, this is the best information I received. I was the seducer, I always understood that a normal relationship couldn't compare, but, never knew the whys of the brain.

 

You've provided the answer. This SO VALUABLE! Thank you!

[KentuckyGent]

If it makes you feel any better, I'm looking for someone like you now that I'm dating after the A ended. You guys are hard to find!

 

I know exactly how you feel too.

 

 

We're out here, I promise.

[jlola]

JLola,

 

I come on here to understand why I did what I did, and help people not make the same mistakes I made.

 

I just want to say out of every thread I have read, the 3 you put on here tonight have done the most to explain everything.

 

It all makes sense, this is the best information I received. I was the seducer, I always understood that a normal relationship couldn't compare, but, never knew the whys of the brain.

 

You've provided the answer. This SO VALUABLE! Thank you!

 

thank you:) this explained it all to me also. I became obsessed years ago with a man who I initially would not give the time of day. In fact if you asked me today if I had dated him, I would be too embarrassed to admit it.

But he basically did many of what was in the book.

 

Then,I began to observe so much of this around me. I somehow found some "pick up artist " websites and began reading. then I read Robert Greene.

 

It all made sense. And as Robert Greene says,this will basically have someone obsessed with you if done right. Thing is, people in affairs do this subconsciously, as do sociopaths and anyone else in a toxic relationship.

But the results are the same. Crazy-making!

Robert Greene's The Art of Seduction - Business Insider

[BruisedBNBroken]

thank you:) this explained it all to me also. I became obsessed years ago with a man who I initially would not give the time of day. In fact if you asked me today if I had dated him, I would be too embarrassed to admit it.

But he basically did many of what was in the book.

 

Then,I began to observe so much of this around me. I somehow found some "pick up artist " websites and began reading. then I read Robert Greene.

 

It all made sense. And as Robert Greene says,this will basically have someone obsessed with you if done right. Thing is, people in affairs do this subconsciously, as do sociopaths and anyone else in a toxic relationship.

But the results are the same. Crazy-making!

Robert Greene's The Art of Seduction - Business Insider

 

Funny, I feel this same way about xAP. This man is someone I would never give the time of day to. As a matter of fact, when my two friends that know about the affair have asked to see a picture of him, I refuse because I'm embarrassed. And yet, the obsession continues . .

[jlola]

Funny, I feel this same way about xAP. This man is someone I would never give the time of day to. As a matter of fact, when my two friends that know about the affair have asked to see a picture of him, I refuse because I'm embarrassed. And yet, the obsession continues . .

 

 

Where else but in affairs or toxic relationships do you see young beautiful women pinning over men who are much older are below average with a wife and tons of baggage? I mean if she is willing to date much older men, they are everywhere and it would be like shooting fish in a barrel. But ugly older man is married and unavailable and his value goes up!

 

Until we get well, we cannot see how we are attracted to these types. I say you attract who you are at that stage. When you get well, you understand.

 

I have even seen young,fit good looking men who can get any woman they want,get attached to an average MW with kids and pine for her while viable candidates are passing by.. I read in one forum where the WS left for a woman 20 years older (52) with 6 kids and he had none. I mean what was this man smoking. The advice was he was probably going through depression and a just a bit nuts at the time.

 

The BS could not figure it out. she described the MW as one with a face only a mother could love, built like a linebacker on top and a ballerina on the bottom. that had me laughing for days!

Edited September 18, 2013 by jlola

[KentuckyGent]

Well I'll be! Phone rang at 11:30 pm last night and guess who? I didn't answer but of course she's now at the forefront of my mind.