Ways to get over an affair without No Contact

[rae_lana]

If you do have suggestions for how I could possibly get myself back.. Even so I can just stop thinking about him as the perfect guy when I know he's far from it.. That would be very much accepted..

 

Everyone suggests confessing or no contact and that is not something I'm able to do so although I understand the general consensus is that would be the best thing to do.. I'm not going to be able to do that right now.

 

We are all friends. We are no matter how many times I'm told we are not 'real' friends because of the affair.

 

This other guy is playing head games but I believe if I tell him I know that.. he will be sorry it happened. He's not a bad guy but he's doing a really ****ty thing to me. And I am to my friend and husband. So I want to just stop my obsession and go back to being friends.. I know you all say it can't be done but I know it can because we are all great together no akwardness or anything like that in group situations. Me and him just need to stop corresponding privately and stop having sex... I could do that if he does not come on to me, it's like I have no back bond and decide I never will again but he kisses me and I just throw all that out the window.

 

I'm trying to work out every time he comes to my mind.. I've lost 17 pounds in two months. I feel like Im trading addictions.

[randomwoman]

It is very annoying when those are the only answers people are willing to give you and you're seeking a magic pill fix for an issue. I know, I do it too.

You can't think your way out of this, you must act your way out. Break the habit by incorporating other relationships into your circle and fade him out for now.

 

Think about how this is affecting the other relationships and friendships in your life. I'm sure this obsession has made you a less caring person because you are focusing only on him. Your family and friends don't know why you're treating them differently, you may not even notice that you are but you're not being present in those relationships when your focus is 110% on him.

 

You're going to need to stay physically away from him. This is difficult but this is something you'll need to do if you really want to get back to being friends with everyone, including him.

[Red Wolverine]

Tell him not to touch you, kiss you, or say anything inappropriately again. In fact, record the conversation as a reminder for you and as proof if he tries to throw you under the bus later.

 

Later, let him know you have the recording. That should keep him in line and demonstrate how serious you are about this ending.

 

Set boundaries and stick to them. Don't be alone with him and don't contact him. You may need to spend time with him but make sure your husband or his wife is always there, too.

[rae_lana]

Tell him not to touch you, kiss you, or say anything inappropriately again. In fact, record the conversation as a reminder for you and as proof if he tries to throw you under the bus later.

 

Later, let him know you have the recording. That should keep him in line and demonstrate how serious you are about this ending.

 

Set boundaries and stick to them. Don't be alone with him and don't contact him. You may need to spend time with him but make sure your husband or his wife is always there, too.

 

That's good advice but I'd feel really wrong recording him. I know that makes no sense. Maybe I need to start thinking of him as an *******.. Right now I care way to much about his happiness even at the expense of mine.

[rae_lana]

It is very annoying when those are the only answers people are willing to give you and you're seeking a magic pill fix for an issue. I know, I do it too.

You can't think your way out of this, you must act your way out. Break the habit by incorporating other relationships into your circle and fade him out for now.

 

Think about how this is affecting the other relationships and friendships in your life. I'm sure this obsession has made you a less caring person because you are focusing only on him. Your family and friends don't know why you're treating them differently, you may not even notice that you are but you're not being present in those relationships when your focus is 110% on him.

 

You're going to need to stay physically away from him. This is difficult but this is something you'll need to do if you really want to get back to being friends with everyone, including him.

 

Thank you that's all very good advice!

The longest ill be able to avoid him in a week and people notice when it's that long for sure.

 

I'm definitely changing towards other family and friends and this last couple months I've been fighting to get those relationships back but it's been half hearted because I'm still thinking about him so much.. I finally feel like I see this for what it is though, I think it's a good step.

[psm04]

I understand that sometimes, NC isn't an option. In my case, we are co-workers , so there will be some interaction, and it will look really strange if we just stopped talking or being around each other one day after being a part of a close small group, so I get it. I'm struggling with it too. My suggestion is to not entertain ANY private conversation with him. If what you are talking about is something you wouldn't want your husband to see, then don't do it. Be around him in the presence of your H and his wife, but never alone with each other. You can still keep things in control. Every time you feel like you need to respond to his advances, think about all the times he made you feel like crap.

[Red Wolverine]

That's good advice but I'd feel really wrong recording him. I know that makes no sense. Maybe I need to start thinking of him as an *******.. Right now I care way to much about his happiness even at the expense of mine.

 

It doesn't make sense. It should feel really wrong to have sex with him. At this point, what's a recording of a conversation?

 

Your statement about caring more about his happiness says it all. Based on his behavior, he's figured that out, too.

[rae_lana]

It doesn't make sense. It should feel really wrong to have sex with him. At this point, what's a recording of a conversation?

 

Your statement about caring more about his happiness says it all. Based on his behavior, he's figured that out, too.

 

At this point in my life he's literally the only person I have not told any lies too. That's why it would feel wrong. I just wanted one person I could tell the truth too completely and he knew I wanted that and he said he wanted it too.

He has no idea I am thinking of ending it I don't think., we had a brief conversation in July about either leaving to be together or ending it, but it's like that conversation never happened.

[Red Wolverine]

At this point in my life he's literally the only person I have not told any lies too. That's why it would feel wrong. I just wanted one person I could tell the truth too completely and he knew I wanted that and he said he wanted it too.

He has no idea I am thinking of ending it I don't think., we had a brief conversation in July about either leaving to be together or ending it, but it's like that conversation never happened.

 

Ok but you've bared your body and soul to this man and he's playing games with you.

 

Honesty is a wonderful thing, however people you can trust don't use the knowledge they gain to play games with you.

 

He's acting like that conversation never happened because he doesn't need to act like he might make a decision.

 

He has developed into a typical cake eater. No decision or change is necessary.

[rae_lana]

Ok but you've bared your body and soul to this man and he's playing games with you.

 

Honesty is a wonderful thing, however people you can trust don't use the knowledge they gain to play games with you.

 

He's acting like that conversation never happened because he doesn't need to act like he might make a decision.

 

He has developed into a typical cake eater. No decision or change is necessary.

 

I completely agree and I'm slowly accepting it I guess. I feel like a friend died. It clicked in to me the other day.. I lost two very close friends right before this affair went from emotional to physical , to suicide. Sounds like a dramatic movie but it was just our reality.. we were all close friends. Honestly it was an insanely unstable time for me and I think I majorly romanticized our relationship in my head. Until the other day I never even realized how close together it all was (all within three months)

My husband was not there for me at all during my grieving and I think that was when my feelings for him really started to change. I have no idea if any of that affected this but I feel like it did.

It's not the cause if course because our emotional affair had already started.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Everyone suggests confessing or no contact and that is not something I'm able to do so although I understand the general consensus is that would be the best thing to do.. I'm not going to be able to do that right now.

 

So...you know the answer....you don't like it. And want something where you get to have it all.

 

Two of the group of four are being played for fools. That is the way they will always feel/see it. They will feel like you both were rubbing it in their faces...publicly. And you want to continue. And you can't say no if the mm kisses you. And you want the only person that you are loyal/truthful with to be the mm. And you only care about mm happiness. Got it.

 

So, other than NC and confessing...the only other healthy solution I see...is get a divorce.

[aliveagain]

Let me get this strait, it's ok to lie and cheat on your husband but it's not ok with your affair partner? Something's twisted here. Why don't you just tell him your married and than act like it?

[rae_lana]

Let me get this strait, it's ok to lie and cheat on your husband but it's not ok with your affair partner? Something's twisted here. Why don't you just tell him your married and than act like it?

 

I've never said any of this was ok. I said how I would feel and it wouldn't be easy for me to lie to him and he's the ones person I haven't lied to yet so of like to avoid it.

[ladydesigner]

If you do have suggestions for how I could possibly get myself back.. Even so I can just stop thinking about him as the perfect guy when I know he's far from it.. That would be very much accepted..

 

Everyone suggests confessing or no contact and that is not something I'm able to do so although I understand the general consensus is that would be the best thing to do.. I'm not going to be able to do that right now.

 

We are all friends. We are no matter how many times I'm told we are not 'real' friends because of the affair.

 

This other guy is playing head games but I believe if I tell him I know that.. he will be sorry it happened. He's not a bad guy but he's doing a really ****ty thing to me. And I am to my friend and husband. So I want to just stop my obsession and go back to being friends.. I know you all say it can't be done but I know it can because we are all great together no akwardness or anything like that in group situations. Me and him just need to stop corresponding privately and stop having sex... I could do that if he does not come on to me, it's like I have no back bond and decide I never will again but he kisses me and I just throw all that out the window.

 

I'm trying to work out every time he comes to my mind.. I've lost 17 pounds in two months. I feel like Im trading addictions.

 

The situation will always be complicated because you crossed a boundary and not only betrayed your BS but your good friend. It sounds like an awful situation and double betrayals are always worse for the BS should she find out. You and your MM have put each other in a very sticky situation which will most likely have an unfavorable ending. I hope for your sake it doesn't but don't be surprised if it does.

[rae_lana]

The situation will always be complicated because you crossed a boundary and not only betrayed your BS but your good friend. It sounds like an awful situation and double betrayals are always worse for the BS should she find out. You and your MM have put each other in a very sticky situation which will most likely have an unfavorable ending. I hope for your sake it doesn't but don't be surprised if it does.

 

If we stopped right now it's possible there would never be a DDay though right? Nobody else knows about it.

This was wrong I am well aware, and caught or not its forever changed my thinking, and how I feel about myself. I'm shocked I was able to do it, and I thought about it a lot before I did.. So it didnt "just happen"

 

It's causes me to lie to friends that I've never kept anything from before.. And I'll have those secrets from them forever now and that in itself breaks my heart, my husband is one of them. I've been with him since we were teenagers. I can't believe I did this.

 

And on the other side I refuse to believe the other man is this cruel. I think he's damaged the same as me I don't think he's doing all these games deliberately although its hard to believe he's not.. It's right in front of me.

[ladydesigner]

If we stopped right now it's possible there would never be a DDay though right? Nobody else knows about it.

This was wrong I am well aware, and caught or not its forever changed my thinking, and how I feel about myself. I'm shocked I was able to do it, and I thought about it a lot before I did.. So it didnt "just happen"

 

It's causes me to lie to friends that I've never kept anything from before.. And I'll have those secrets from them forever now and that in itself breaks my heart, my husband is one of them. I've been with him since we were teenagers. I can't believe I did this.

 

And on the other side I refuse to believe the other man is this cruel. I think he's damaged the same as me I don't think he's doing all these games deliberately although its hard to believe he's not.. It's right in front of me.

 

Are you seeing a therapist (IC) not Marriage counselor? I would suggest that to help you through your thoughts. Also, holding THAT secret from your BS is going to be like a hidden barrier between you two. Do any of the BS's suspect anything?

[rae_lana]

Are you seeing a therapist (IC) not Marriage counselor? I would suggest that to help you through your thoughts. Also, holding THAT secret from your BS is going to be like a hidden barrier between you two. Do any of the BS's suspect anything?

 

I've begged my husband to go to councelling he agreed once years ago but it was half hearted and nothing came of it. I am hoping to see someone individually but not sure if I can tell the truth but I want to.

 

And no, I don't think anyone suspects anything. My husband definitely sees a change in my behaviour towards him but does not think I'm in an affair he wouldn't see how Id have time to be.

Shortly after this started his wife told me she thought her husband was obsessing over me and then she said it was a crush and she thinks he's over it.

[ladydesigner]

I've begged my husband to go to councelling he agreed once years ago but it was half hearted and nothing came of it. I am hoping to see someone individually but not sure if I can tell the truth but I want to.

 

And no, I don't think anyone suspects anything. My husband definitely sees a change in my behaviour towards him but does not think I'm in an affair he wouldn't see how Id have time to be.

Shortly after this started his wife told me she thought her husband was obsessing over me and then she said it was a crush and she thinks he's over it.

 

These are the gut feelings that BS's pick up on. Some know to look straight to cheating and other's won't, it depends on the BS. I would definitely look into individual counseling. Is there a way you can start to phase these friends out of your life. With contact it will be a constant reminder of the A, which also can keep the feelings alive. This will either cause the A to start up again, BS's getting more suspicious, or at best there will always be THAT white elephant in the room.

[Quiet Storm]

If we stopped right now it's possible there would never be a DDay though right? Nobody else knows about it.

This was wrong I am well aware, and caught or not its forever changed my thinking, and how I feel about myself. I'm shocked I was able to do it, and I thought about it a lot before I did.. So it didnt "just happen"

 

It's causes me to lie to friends that I've never kept anything from before.. And I'll have those secrets from them forever now and that in itself breaks my heart, my husband is one of them. I've been with him since we were teenagers. I can't believe I did this.

 

And on the other side I refuse to believe the other man is this cruel. I think he's damaged the same as me I don't think he's doing all these games deliberately although its hard to believe he's not.. It's right in front of me.

 

 

Although it may not be discovered, a secret as big as an affair blocks the ability for you to have true intimacy with your husband.

 

One of the most important lessons that I have learned in life, being related to the mentally ill and the addicted- is that it doesn't matter if they are damaged. It doesn't matter if their inconsideration or behavior is intentional. The effect on your life is the same. You are left feeling confused, hurt, angry and sad- regardless of their motivations.

 

We need to protect ourselves and keep our distance from people that hurt us. I believe it is part of being a functional adult- you have to act as your own parent sometimes to keep yourself out of harms way.

Edited September 8, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[road]

You need to tell your BH and go NC with the OM.

 

There is no reason why you can not go NC. Your problem is you choose to not do NC.

[HopingAgain]

You have to look at this as if you've already lost your 2 friends (MM and his wife) because you HAVE. Whether you acknowledge it or not, your friendship is over and whats going on now is just you clinging to the remains. Soon they are gonna start stinking to high heaven.

 

At some point your feelings of discomfort and guilt are going to overtake you and it will kill you inside to be fake around your MM and his wife. You cannot successfully fake a friendship where you are screwing your so called friends husband, not for long anyway. It's gonna destroy you emotionally and mentally.

 

You know in your heart that your friend and your husband will despise you when they find out what has happened. Your Husband may forgive you and take you back. Your friend? It's not going to happen. The best you can hope for is that she feels complete indifference towards you many years in the future. But as for you maintaining a friendship? It's not happening so stop allowing yourself to beleive that fantasy. You will be lucky indeed if she doesn't fly off the handle and physically and/or emotionally harm you.

 

There is no way to resolve a double betrayal without going NC. I've been there. And even if you do go NC, your odds of coming out of this with ANY of these 3 people, MM, his wife OR your husband are dismal at best. Get to work on healing yourself and making healthy choices.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

This exhausts me because it was what I lived. I hate to tell you but you are in a no win situation here. I am not saying that eventually something couldn't work out but for now, you are never going to recover while being in contact with this man. It will not work.

 

I am 4 years down the road - over 4 years from the first dday and almost 4 years from the dday that blew it all up. I can guarantee you will not recover without nc.

 

It is a situation that is never, ever going to be the same again. There are days that I hope, in the future, the four of us will be able to converse again but I think that is pretty far out.

 

Don't continue this - cut it loose right now and end it - at least start the healing process.

 

I wish you luck - the road ahead is not easy.

[rae_lana]

You have to look at this as if you've already lost your 2 friends (MM and his wife) because you HAVE. Whether you acknowledge it or not, your friendship is over and whats going on now is just you clinging to the remains. Soon they are gonna start stinking to high heaven.

 

At some point your feelings of discomfort and guilt are going to overtake you and it will kill you inside to be fake around your MM and his wife. You cannot successfully fake a friendship where you are screwing your so called friends husband, not for long anyway. It's gonna destroy you emotionally and mentally.

 

You know in your heart that your friend and your husband will despise you when they find out what has happened. Your Husband may forgive you and take you back. Your friend? It's not going to happen. The best you can hope for is that she feels complete indifference towards you many years in the future. But as for you maintaining a friendship? It's not happening so stop allowing yourself to beleive that fantasy. You will be lucky indeed if she doesn't fly off the handle and physically and/or emotionally harm you.

 

There is no way to resolve a double betrayal without going NC. I've been there. And even if you do go NC, your odds of coming out of this with ANY of these 3 people, MM, his wife OR your husband are dismal at best. Get to work on healing yourself and making healthy choices.

 

You give really good advice but its getting old how everyone comes across as if we have already been caught. The only way this will come out is if one of us confesses or we get caught in the act which is very unlikely to happen. We have never been together when either of our spouses were closer than an hour away.. Except in the beginning and we learned fast that was a huge mistake.

 

I am feeling so much guilt. I can't stop thinking about it lately.

 

I want to end the physical affair it's the emotional side I miss so so much and as friends we are all closer than ever.. If I can just see him for what he is.. A total player I can stop myself from obsessing.

I do think though if I grow to hate him how will I keep from trying to expose him to his wife. I don't know. It kills me for her.

 

I feel like its someone else doing it to her.

[HopingAgain]

You give really good advice but its getting old how everyone comes across as if we have already been caught. The only way this will come out is if one of us confesses or we get caught in the act which is very unlikely to happen. We have never been together when either of our spouses were closer than an hour away.. Except in the beginning and we learned fast that was a huge mistake.

 

I am feeling so much guilt. I can't stop thinking about it lately.

 

I want to end the physical affair it's the emotional side I miss so so much and as friends we are all closer than ever.. If I can just see him for what he is.. A total player I can stop myself from obsessing.

I do think though if I grow to hate him how will I keep from trying to expose him to his wife. I don't know. It kills me for her.

 

I feel like its someone else doing it to her.

 

The reason why everyone keeps approaching this as if you've already been caught is that at some point, accidentally, you probably will be. I'm just telling you the truth. It's almost comical how accidentally some affairs get discovered. There is no amount of planning or calculation that can stop a pure chance occurrence. Most affairs are discovered, so it's not being smart to think yours will go against those odds. It may even be years later after uits ended, but the truth always comes out eventually.

 

That being said, even in the meantime while the BSs don't know about the affair...it is still destroying YOU on the inside like a cancer. You are being tormented by your feelings of uncertainty and it will continue to gnaw away at you until you do what you know in your heart is right. Sometimes relationships NEED to end, and that is o.k. I think you want to hold on even though you know to do so will really mess you up. If you haven't already started having physical symptoms like a knot in your stomach that won't go away, or full blown panic and anxiety attacks, just keep ignoring your conscience because they will materialize. You have to do what you know you neeed to do in order to stop hurting yourself. When you do that, you'll be in a better place to stop hurting others as well.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Who cares what the mm is or isn't .

 

WHO.ARE.YOU.

 

That is the only question you need to answer.

 

Are you or are you not a person who lies, manipulates, cheats, deceives, steals, etc. etc. etc