My H Knows, My Daughter Knows & She Hates Me

[TwoTowns]

Some months ago I posted about my long distance relationship with a divorced-but-cohabitating man, with whom (as a single girl) I had an affair in the early 90's. He was married at that time to the woman who has since divorced him and left him for another man. He lives about 900 miles away from me.

After we went NC, my 19-year-old daughter discovered my affair, and has hated/mistrusted me ever since. Despite my contrition, despite my remorse and transparency, she has since told her father what she knows, and what she thinks she knows. Prior to this was months of sporadic threats by her to tell, whenever she triggered.

I understand the logic of "outing" an affair, but I ended things voluntarily and knew that my husband would react in a destructive manner if he knew. And he has. Having said that, I am glad my child no longer has to carry the burden of this secret...and I am broken hearted that she now hates me and thinks I am a "whore." Worse, she has confided in outsiders about the situation...people who will embellish on this and spread it all over as rumor. I know these are the consequences of my actions, but I don't know how to move forward with a husband who daily finds ways to punish me and a daughter who hates me and is making sure everyone knows why.

My heart breaks at the hurt I have caused, but I can't help either of them if they won't give me a chance. Both seem hellbent on alienating me and isolating me. I have two other children, ages 8 and 12, who adore me and I am so afraid of them being dragged into this too.

I have no one to talk to. I work from home. My husband cut me off from access to the household money. He is a law enforcement officer and spends his time at home poring through bank and phone records looking for incriminating information, even though I have already confessed. He will almost certainly bash me to his family and friends, further isolating me. I am effectively trapped here with two people who have no desire to talk to me or find a way to work through this.

This is a nightmare I cannot wake up from.

[TwoTowns]

Yes, my adult daughter is devastated by my actions.

[yellowmaverick]

Hi TwoTowns.

 

I cried when I read your post because my own family is going through the same devastation, except that I am the BS. My children (all teens during the affair and on d-day) all know (3 of them found out from eaves-dropping on a phone call). While my children don't hate their father, they are all having a very difficult time reconciling the man they know as their father with the man who destroyed his family and lied to all of us for so long. One child barely speaks to him and two others have lost respect for him. Seeing what he has done to his children has been very difficult for their father.

 

If I could make a suggestion - Understandably, your post talks about YOUR pain and the nightmare that YOU feel. Trust me when I say this - for all of the pain that you feel, your husband and daughter feel it tenfold. They also have to deal with the huge betrayal, which is often the most devastating aspect of the affair. My suggestion - focus more effort on healing THEIR pain. Talk, talk, talk to your daughter and to your spouse. Apologize over and over to your daughter - be specific. Apologize specifically for the hurt you caused her father, for your betrayal to her and your husband, and - most of all - for forcing her to tell her father because you would not. You need to dig deep and REALLY feel her pain - you put her in the horrible position of having to either betray her father by keeping your secret or by betraying you in telling her father. She has SO much to deal with right now - forgiving you at this point may not possible and should not be expected. Keep talking, apologizing, and empathizing with her. Accept full responsibility for your choices and do not blame her father. In time, she will respect you for stepping up and for working to fix your relationship.

 

After d-day, both of my daughters remembered that were a party to some suspicious behavior from my husband. They feel tremendous guilt that they did not recognize what he was doing and did not tell me. Despite me asking my husband to do so, he has never apologized to them for putting them in that position. I know that this ate away at the younger one as she saw my devastation after d-day. Please don't make the same mistake with your daughter. Own up to your actions and apologize sincerely to her for putting her in the middle of this. With time and consistent remorseful actions, you will rebuild your relationship with your daughter.

 

Remember - a mother and daughter's bond is very strong. It may be bent, but it is not broken.

[bentleychic]

TwoTowns, my mother left my father for another man when I was 18. It was rough at first, I fully admit, but the circumstances were very weird (due to the specific person that she choose to leave with).

 

ANYWAY, we did forgive and forget that and she's been married to the man for many years now.

 

(We do not have a good relationship at this time, but that has absolutely nothing to do with the affair and is more to do with who she is as a person (lots of guilt trips and toxicity).)

[TwoTowns]

Thank you for your replies. I truly am trying to hone in on and be empathetic to the pain my husband and daughter are in, and my betrayal is ever-present in my mind - but neither of them will speak to me or acknowledge my presence.

 

There is a long history of SERIOUS emotional abuse in my marriage that I did not address in my original post, because I didn't want to give the impression that anyone but ME was responsible for my emotional affair. Having said that, my husband has moved immediately into punishment mode and has no desire to reconcile or work through the issues that put our marriage in a precarious state. I own my actions, but without his help I cannot fully repair my marriage and family.

 

I sent my daughter a text message after she left the house yesterday, that read: "I am solely to blame. You have done nothing wrong. I am sorry you had to keep this secret for so long. Whatever happens, I love you and always will. I hope now you can begin to heal. I accept full responsibility for my actions."

 

I am not a serial cheater, or trying to minimize my emotional affair. I have never been unfaithful in any way, shape or form in the entire 21-year span of my marriage. I hope my husband and daughter will find a way to eventually look at the totality of my life as a good wife and mom, and find some forgiveness. For now, both of them have completely written me off. It's frustrating, because she doesn't know the whole history of what I've forgiven my husband for over the years, and he keeps going on about how I 'played him for the fool.' Revisionist history makes me want to scream. No one but ME is to blame for my affair, but we are a lost cause if he doesn't own his contributions to our frayed marriage.

 

If my post came across as self-serving, I apologize - but I was seeking support, and I am isolated in a house with a husband and daughter who are ignoring me. I am a flawed person, but I am not a bad person. I just needed some help. I thought this forum would be the appropriate place.

 

I would NEVER have made that type of post in a forum that was exclusively for BS. I honestly am trying to be respectful. I hope you understand.

[TwoTowns]

I wanted to clarify that, even though my husband cut me off from the household money, it WASN'T because I had drained the account to perpetuate my affair (which consisted mostly of phone calls and texts).

 

He is trying to keep me from having the means to leave.

 

He will not speak to me or help me work through our issues as a married couple or mine as the one who strayed. Sadly, this has been the dynamic throughout our whole marriage. In any argument, there was never any healing because I was the only one who ever conceded blame or tried to effect changes that would help us as a couple.

 

All I can do is get up, try to take care of my children, and the house and the yard - and wait to find out how my husband chooses to deal with me.

[HokeyReligions]

If your marriage was that bad even before the affair why haven't you left?

 

If you need immediate money there are pawn shops. Then try to find a job. Try a woman's shelter or family shelter. Do you have any family you can go to?

 

LEOs are no different from anyone else. If he's abusive get away.

[yellowmaverick]

I hope my husband and daughter will find a way to eventually look at the totality of my life as a good wife and mom, and find some forgiveness.

 

TT - Give it time and be dedicated to the process of trying to help your daughter heal. I don't know about your husband, but - in time - your daughter will remember that you have been a good mom. Although my children are still hurt from their father's affair, they love him and have a decent relationship with him. I would say 3 out of 4 have a very good relationship with him. I still think he needs to work on earning back some respect, but he definitely has their love.

 

The text that you sent your daughter was beautiful. Keep doing it. Once when my daughter and I were having some issues, I wrote her a poem about our lives together, how proud I am of her, and how I will always walk together with her in life. [she tore it up when she became angry with me about something else, but luckily I had typed it and kept a copy!! I have reprinted it several times over the years and put it on her pillow when she needed words of encouragement]. Find your own way to tell her how much she means to you. I know that you are frustrated about other issues that your husband contributed to in your marriage, but don't discuss these with your daughter - you will only alienate her further. Also, older children are not ignorant about the dynamics of their parents' marriage - they KNOW who does what. She is just very hurt right now and being protective of her father. Let her.

 

Having said that, my husband has moved immediately into punishment mode and has no desire to reconcile or work through the issues that put our marriage in a precarious state. I own my actions, but without his help I cannot fully repair my marriage and family.

 

 

 

Here is where your empathy comes in. Yes, in a typical marriage, BOTH partners usually contribute to issues in a marriage. However, where infidelity is involved, the spouses have to work through the infidelity FIRST, and then - only when some level of trust and security is restored - work on the other issues. If you lump them together, you will not reconcile. First, your husband will see it as you blaming him for your affair, no matter what you say otherwise. Secondly, he does not trust you. He cannot open up without some level of trust. Work on gaining back that trust by answering all of his questions and making yourself transparent. Don't get stuck in the "fair" or "not fair" pitfalls - if you want to save your marriage, help him heal FIRST.

 

You are facing a tough road ahead. You need to do a lot of work and there are no guarantees. You will have to swallow some pride and hurt. But all of these things are what made you a good mother to begin with.

[whatatangledweb]

Thank you for your replies. I truly am trying to hone in on and be empathetic to the pain my husband and daughter are in, and my betrayal is ever-present in my mind - but neither of them will speak to me or acknowledge my presence.

 

There is a long history of SERIOUS emotional abuse in my marriage that I did not address in my original post, because I didn't want to give the impression that anyone but ME was responsible for my emotional affair. Having said that, my husband has moved immediately into punishment mode and has no desire to reconcile or work through the issues that put our marriage in a precarious state. I own my actions, but without his help I cannot fully repair my marriage and family.

 

I sent my daughter a text message after she left the house yesterday, that read: "I am solely to blame. You have done nothing wrong. I am sorry you had to keep this secret for so long. Whatever happens, I love you and always will. I hope now you can begin to heal. I accept full responsibility for my actions."

 

I am not a serial cheater, or trying to minimize my emotional affair. I have never been unfaithful in any way, shape or form in the entire 21-year span of my marriage. I hope my husband and daughter will find a way to eventually look at the totality of my life as a good wife and mom, and find some forgiveness. For now, both of them have completely written me off. It's frustrating, because she doesn't know the whole history of what I've forgiven my husband for over the years, and he keeps going on about how I 'played him for the fool.' Revisionist history makes me want to scream. No one but ME is to blame for my affair, but we are a lost cause if he doesn't own his contributions to our frayed marriage.

 

If my post came across as self-serving, I apologize - but I was seeking support, and I am isolated in a house with a husband and daughter who are ignoring me. I am a flawed person, but I am not a bad person. I just needed some help. I thought this forum would be the appropriate place.

 

I would NEVER have made that type of post in a forum that was exclusively for BS. I honestly am trying to be respectful. I hope you understand.

 

I am sorry you are hurting and feel alone. Your husband says you played him for a fool as you have loved this man your entire marriage. You were not in an affair that whole 21 years but your husband never had you all to himself. That is a huge hurt to deal with.

 

You made your daughter lie to her father by keeping your secret. She most likely feels great guilt for doing that and has turned that into anger at you. You do not need to tell her things you have forgiven your husband for over the years. That does not concern her. And it will just turn her more against you. She has to deal with her guilt before she can forgive you. She also most likely needs to know her father forgives her for keeping it from him.

 

I don't see this as a good or safe place for you to stay. Can you stay with a friend or family? Does your husband want to stay married or is he using this time to punish you? It will take both of you to fix your marriage. One person can not do it alone.

 

Your story is painful for everyone involved. I wish you could all sit down with a therapist to work it out.

[TwoTowns]

I will never ever EVER throw my husband under the bus with my daughter or anyone else, to mitigate my actions or portray myself as a victim. I am totally at fault for my affair. I only mention the dynamic of our marriage and emotional abuse, because those things always made it hard to heal from typical marital conflict. They are now making the fallout of my affair nightmarish. At least he is not taking it out on the kids, although he is slightly subdued around them.

 

I deserve to be punished. I NEVER was a happy AP. I felt/feel guilt at all times. I always loved the man I was involved with, and that put my husband at a disadvantage from the very beginning. Again, that is MY fault.

 

I'm here to candidly answer any questions he asks. My phone and laptop are out in the open, accessible to everyone. My affair ended months ago, prior to my daughter's disclosure to her dad.

 

So far, my husband is not communicating with me at all. The silence is scarier to me than the rage.

 

At this point, there's nothing I can do but end this marriage if I am never given any opportunity for recovery.

[TwoTowns]

OP

 

You never loved your H and yet you decided to marry him.

 

How does your daughter see the marriage?

 

 

I do love my husband, I hope I never said otherwise in a post because that is not true. But my overwhelming emotion towards him in recent years is fear and pity. He has always kept me at arm's length, he has never been very demonstrative with his affection. He has a temper problem. So does our daughter. :-(

 

My daughter, I think, was shocked to learn that I was involved with someone else. It has been completely out of character for me. I was always pretty close to her. My husband and I never made out in front of our kids (we never kiss at all), but they have seen us joking and holding hands. I would imagine my daughter thought our marriage was a relatively good one. Now she thinks our home has "no love." She wants to "make some changes so" she doesn't end up like me. That is my legacy to my little girl.

 

As hurt as I'm sure my husband is (and has a right to be), my daughter is hurting worse. My husband may have lost some love for me over the years, and acts somewhat angry but not devastated. He is acting today much like he usually acts when he's pissed at me. He's watching tv, surfing the internet, and ignoring me.

[whichwayisup]

I wanted to clarify that, even though my husband cut me off from the household money, it WASN'T because I had drained the account to perpetuate my affair (which consisted mostly of phone calls and texts).

 

He is trying to keep me from having the means to leave.

 

He will not speak to me or help me work through our issues as a married couple or mine as the one who strayed. Sadly, this has been the dynamic throughout our whole marriage. In any argument, there was never any healing because I was the only one who ever conceded blame or tried to effect changes that would help us as a couple.

 

All I can do is get up, try to take care of my children, and the house and the yard - and wait to find out how my husband chooses to deal with me.

 

Not that it's an excuse or a justification for doing what you did, but your marriage was broken, as well as you inside, for a long time, so you were ripe for an affair.

 

Why is it you want to save your marriage? Your H is a cop and obviously has the law on his side, he can use that to his advantage. He has his own issues and is broken as well. He is punishing you but not wanting to fix things or divorce. He's getting a sick thrill of watching you suffer, so it seems.

 

As for your daughter, she loves you and in time will forgive you. Things may never be the same in the sense of how close you two will be, but she will always be your daughter and you will always be her mom. Give her time and space and let her know that you love her and will wait for as long as it takes for her to come talk to you, hear your side of things. She's 19 so she's old enough to hear it all, and that means (though I'm sure she knows how her dad is, she has seen the dynamic between you two for a long time) maybe opening her eyes to the fact her dad wasn't the perfect husband. He may be an excellent father, but a crappy H.

[Artie Lang]

does your daughter know the extent of the relationship between you and this man..... that you were his OW before? does your husband?

[2sunny]

How did your daughter find out - all these years later?

[TwoTowns]

does your daughter know the extent of the relationship between you and this man..... that you were his OW before? does your husband?

 

At the beginning of our relationship, I told my husband all about it. He has always known, and in arguments over the years would throw it in my face. I always regretted telling him. He again threw it in my face the other day.

 

When my daughter first found out (she found my cellphone), I felt I had to be as honest as possible without being graphic. I told her I met and loved this man before I ever met her dad. I have repeatedly told her i love her dad.

 

In his hurt...and knowing how he reacts when angry...I am sure her dad will eventually tell my daughter that this man was married when I was first involved with him.

[TwoTowns]

How did your daughter find out - all these years later?

 

She saw a text message. To be clear, I was first involved with this man for two years in the early 90s - when he was married and I was single. When it ended, I met my husband and have been with him (without any unfaithfulness of any kind) for the last 21 years.

 

My ex AP was divorced when he reached out to me last year. It was a month or so afterward that my daughter found out.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I understand the logic of "outing" an affair, but I ended things voluntarily and knew that my husband would react in a destructive manner if he knew.

 

 

No, you don't understand the logic of outing an affair.

 

Had you understood, you would have told your husband about the affair well before he had to learn about it from your daughter.

 

Ending things voluntarily was great, but once you knew there was the slightest chance that anybody else might inform your husband first, the "logic of outing an affair" dictates that the guilty party fess-up before the innocent party has to learn it from a third source.

 

 

And if there is no realistic chance that the innocent party would ever find out from outside sources, then to tell them (ever) is an additional selfish move on the part of the guilty partner.

 

.

[Artie Lang]

I am sure her dad will eventually tell my daughter that this man was married when I was first involved with him.

 

yea, this is what i meant. she doesn't know the extent of the relationship with this man- that he was married and you were the other woman. it's only gonna add to her anger when she finds out.

 

your daughter is deeply hurt by all this. all you can do is give her space.

 

as for your husband, do you still want to be married to him? personally, i think you're better off divorcing given the torment that you're facing should you stay.

 

 

it seems that your husband and daughter have come to the conclusion that they were/are the consolation prize in this sordid affair..... that your true love lies with this OM. I mean, you have referred to him as "the love of my life." you go on to say- "I still love him." these are excerpts from your initial thread.

 

pretty hard to discount those feelings. sounds like your heart lies elsewhere..... always has.

Edited September 9, 2013 by Artie Lang

[JPMC]

Leave the marriage and stop the pity party. You admit you are being emotionally abused. Your daughter is not doing you any favors by spreading it around town.

 

Ignoring someone is abuse, no matter how angry. You need to sit your husband down and explain to him that if he doesn't stop, there will be consequences. I know he's seething, but, you're being controlled.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Some months ago I posted about my long distance relationship with a divorced-but-cohabitating man, with whom (as a single girl) I had an affair in the early 90's. He was married at that time to the woman who has since divorced him and left him for another man. He lives about 900 miles away from me.

After we went NC, my 19-year-old daughter discovered my affair, and has hated/mistrusted me ever since. Despite my contrition, despite my remorse and transparency, she has since told her father what she knows, and what she thinks she knows. Prior to this was months of sporadic threats by her to tell, whenever she triggered.

I understand the logic of "outing" an affair, but I ended things voluntarily and knew that my husband would react in a destructive manner if he knew. And he has. Having said that, I am glad my child no longer has to carry the burden of this secret...and I am broken hearted that she now hates me and thinks I am a "whore." Worse, she has confided in outsiders about the situation...people who will embellish on this and spread it all over as rumor. I know these are the consequences of my actions, but I don't know how to move forward with a husband who daily finds ways to punish me and a daughter who hates me and is making sure everyone knows why.

My heart breaks at the hurt I have caused, but I can't help either of them if they won't give me a chance. Both seem hellbent on alienating me and isolating me. I have two other children, ages 8 and 12, who adore me and I am so afraid of them being dragged into this too.

I have no one to talk to. I work from home. My husband cut me off from access to the household money. He is a law enforcement officer and spends his time at home poring through bank and phone records looking for incriminating information, even though I have already confessed. He will almost certainly bash me to his family and friends, further isolating me. I am effectively trapped here with two people who have no desire to talk to me or find a way to work through this.

This is a nightmare I cannot wake up from.

 

You made a mistake with your affair, you know that and you should work on resolving your underlying issues with a professional.

 

First I think you should see a counselor to help you deal with your daughters anger and how to tell your younger children, in an age appropriate way so they are not used as pawns. This can be done.

 

By putting your daughter in the middle, and forcing her to keep the secret, and having to decide to tell, she was just in a lose lose...you know? She is very angry and behaving in a relatively immature manner, but probably somewhat expected at this time.

 

You need to continue to apologize for putting her in that position and let her know you love her unconditionally. It may take a long time before she forgives this.

 

Don't worry about neighbors and others, they do not matter in the near term at all, no matter what they think.

 

Your marriage is another matter. The advice usually given is to recognise that the affair NOW trumps all discussions about marital issues for a bit. His reactions are not all that uncommon for someone betrayed, so without your comments about his prior abuse I would assume he is processing in a somewhat normal way.

 

However, if you are intimidated and afraid, I echo other posters that you should look into shelters and legal aid to help you separate and divorce.

 

There is no reason to be imprissoned in your house with no money as punishment. You can leave.

 

You can also start marriage counseling alone, if needed, to start to explore possible resolution scenarios I think your husband would attend if you showed proactive planning and commitment.

 

But if you are afraid, get out right away. Good luck.

 

IIWII

[2sunny]

It seems that you may be better off divorcing this man you're married to - since he never met your needs and hasn't made you happy.

 

You could be happier if you divorce.

[Turtles]

No person is in charge of the happiness of someone else. Life does not work that way. I suspect OP will be unhappy whether married or divorced because she is not intrinsically happy.

 

That may well be but being in an emotionally abusive relationship sure is a drag on one's happiness, no matter how intrinsically happy they tend to be!

 

That being said with 2 young kids involved and the husband a cop divorce is probably going to make things much much harder before they have a chance to get better. Without physical abuse I think It-is-what-it-is advice is sound.

[watergirl12]

I wanted to clarify that, even though my husband cut me off from the household money, it WASN'T because I had drained the account to perpetuate my affair (which consisted mostly of phone calls and texts).

 

He is trying to keep me from having the means to leave.

 

He will not speak to me or help me work through our issues as a married couple or mine as the one who strayed. Sadly, this has been the dynamic throughout our whole marriage. In any argument, there was never any healing because I was the only one who ever conceded blame or tried to effect changes that would help us as a couple.

 

All I can do is get up, try to take care of my children, and the house and the yard - and wait to find out how my husband chooses to deal with me.

 

 

I am sorry honey but this is borderline abuse. And this really concerns me. Affair or no, he has no right to do this.

[watergirl12]

No person is in charge of the happiness of someone else. Life does not work that way. I suspect OP will be unhappy whether married or divorced because she is not intrinsically happy.

 

Um no. I know you like to play armchair psychologist but when abuse is involved, it is a whole different can of worms. Her self worth, whatever it may be, did not drive this man to abuse her. The motives of abusers is to tear down their victims to have no self worth so they won't leave and are completely dependent on him, and it is working. The first thing the man did was remove her access to money. Typical.

[TwoTowns]

Even though she detests what you did, there's a chance that your daughter may become more sexually promiscuous as a result. Even though outwardly she is not okay with it (because you hurt her and your H), inwardly there may be a part of her that will model your behavior because you are her mom and she doesn't want to see her mom as being bad. Therefore, cheating may become less "bad" in her eyes and she's more susceptible to it. If she's confronted with temptation in the future, part of her may think "okay, now I understand what mom felt" and give herself more leeway. You may wish to monitor this over time and have some very honest discussions with her as she matures about the motivations to cheat and the progressive decisions which got you in trouble.

 

This is a very real concern for me. I have been the parent she was closest to, and the one who kept tabs on her whereabouts. The rule was for her to text me wherever she was, as she got there. She is typically at school, at church, at work, or with her boyfriend. Her curfew has been 11:30. Since this all came out, she does not speak to me or keep me informed. I finally asked her dad to please make her accountable to him, since he is the one she now talks to. He is not speaking to me either, though, and I don't think he is being consistent with her. Last night she didn't get home until after midnight.