He went back

[cat]

I posted on the breakup forum but the people here seem to have been through this and would understand more what I"m going through--

 

I never considered myself the OW but I guess I was...

 

5 months ago, as I was just getting out of a good relationship that had run its course, I met a MM. He said he fell in love with me right away. I'm not interested in dating a man who's living with a family. I had never been open even to dating someone who's separated.

 

Two weeks after meeting me, he moved out of his house. He said he was in love with me, and that he left his wife of 20 years just for a chance to be on my B list. We went straight into a full-on relationship that was pretty good on most levels except his jealous streak (red flag) and his parents' reaction to his leaving the marriage--really horrible for him.

 

I went against my gut on a lot of things--namely, that it went SO FAST. He practically moved all his stuff in right away (yes, I let him...) which I know now was becuase he had nowhere else to go. He said we were going to get married and have kids. He talked to a lawyer, drafted dissolution paperwork, and signed a quit-claim deed on his house...

 

...and then he went back.

 

I never, ever saw that coming.

 

He said I wasn't the person for him and he was trying to talk himself into it, and that he was going to reconcile with her. Up until the day before that he was "so in love with me" but the next day--BAM! He's gone.

 

I told him to get his s*** out of my house and whatever wasn't gone by the time I got back was going into the drieway. There was some stuff left when I got back and, yup, I hauled it up my basement stairs and dumped it into the driveway and left. When I came back again it was gone.

 

I feel like a total fool for believing what he said. I really came to love this man and I wanted what he said to be true. I really wanted him to love me so I overlooked so many red flags. I"m thinking about him now, I'm hoping he's miserable and that he's hating his decision to go back to a life he hated. By the way I don't htink his wife is a bad person--quite the contrary-- I just don't think they're suited for each other.

 

All that said, this hurts so dang bad. I really do miss him, I feel so lonely and can't imagine how I could have been so stupid and so wrong. I didn't consider myself the OW but I guess I was.

 

It's been 48 hours NC and it's been excruciating. Any advice on how to get past this??? Or how to make sense of it??

[TaintedLuv]

It's not a good feeling but Ur lucky u only wasted a few months. I don't mean to discount Ur feelings at all but some of us were strung along for years before breaking out.

 

Next time, don't ignore Ur instincts. Wishing u a speedy recovery!

 

Ps no need to make any sense of it. No one falls in love in a day or two! Just move on and don't look back!

[Cali408]

He looked at the financials and decided it wasn't a good business decision.

 

I'm sorry for your plight. But that's probably the reason. He's doing you a favor. The pressures and guilt from the divorce would have eroded your relationship. I know you can't see this now but you will.

 

You're a good person and not a fool. I guess the only piece advice I would give is until the ink is dry, it's still a marriage. A lesson I learned as well.

[jlola]

He looked at the financials and decided it wasn't a good business decision.

 

 

What does that have to do with the sort of person he is? First he leaves his wife and moves in with cat. Does anyone not see how painful this must have been to his wife? Now he leaves Cat with the sorry excuse of "You aren't the right person for me,just talked myself into it" BullC**p!

 

Really? He gets to destroy lives, make promises, tell cat he is in love with her one second, out the door the other(probably did the same t wife).

 

his reason is not finances. The reason is he is a selfish messed up prson who should not be in a relationship with anyone till HE gets his head straight.

 

Unfortunately, these confused men are usually the one dangling 2 or 3 women . With everyone excusing their illogical and crazy behavior with words like "guilt", his "finances" and "he is trying to do the right thing". Should those things have not been thought of BEFORE he allowed himself this behavior?

 

I mean if I am going to rob a bank, I would hope guilt is there to stop me from doing it, rather than doing it, then months and months later, feel guilty about it.

 

Noone looks at this man's previous behaviors and says, "Wow, for a person with so much guilt, he certainly seems to love to create pain and drama".

 

People should be accountable for their actions. Always searching for excuses for selfish,manipulative behavior is what keeps people stuck in these relationships in the first place.

 

It's called rose colored glasses. Glad cat is taking hers OFF!

[Speakingofwhich]

So sorry you're going through this! Think you're fortunate to get away from him. He seems unstable to me with this small bit of info about him.

 

Who leaves a twenty year marriage for someone after knowing them for two weeks?

[Cali408]

What does that have to do with the sort of person he is? First he leaves his wife and moves in with cat. Does anyone not see how painful this must have been to his wife? Now he leaves Cat with the sorry excuse of "You aren't the right person for me,just talked myself into it" BullC**p!

 

Really? He gets to destroy lives, make promises, tell cat he is in love with her one second, out the door the other(probably did the same t wife).

 

his reason is not finances. The reason is he is a selfish messed up prson who should not be in a relationship with anyone till HE gets his head straight.

 

Unfortunately, these confused men are usually the one dangling 2 or 3 women . With everyone excusing their illogical and crazy behavior with words like "guilt", his "finances" and "he is trying to do the right thing". Should those things have not been thought of BEFORE he allowed himself this behavior?

 

I mean if I am going to rob a bank, I would hope guilt is there to stop me from doing it, rather than doing it, then months and months later, feel guilty about it.

 

Noone looks at this man's previous behaviors and says, "Wow, for a person with so much guilt, he certainly seems to love to create pain and drama".

 

People should be accountable for their actions. Always searching for excuses for selfish,manipulative behavior is what keeps people stuck in these relationships in the first place.

 

It's called rose colored glasses. Glad cat is taking hers OFF!

 

Sure, he's a louse and a cad. Absolutely. I'm not trying to be flippant. He moves in starts going through a divorce. What would make him change his mind? Does he love his wife? Maybe, Is he dealing with too much guilt? Maybe, but he started the papers. Divorce and alimony are expensive.

[cat]

What does that have to do with the sort of person he is? First he leaves his wife and moves in with cat. Does anyone not see how painful this must have been to his wife? Now he leaves Cat with the sorry excuse of "You aren't the right person for me,just talked myself into it" BullC**p!

 

Not that it matters but for what it's worth, I didn't let him "officially" move in after two weeks. I'm dumb, but I'm not that dumb. He still had a room at a friend's house... he never slept there, though. My house every night but about 5 the whole time I knew him. Plus he had a lot of things from his own house that he moved out and into my house--because he had nowhere else to go. He used me. I was his storage unit for his furniture and his lies!!

 

Unfortunately, these confused men are usually the one dangling 2 or 3 women . With everyone excusing their illogical and crazy behavior with words like "guilt", his "finances" and "he is trying to do the right thing". Should those things have not been thought of BEFORE he allowed himself this behavior?

 

I said this to him the other day-- I said "I'm not going to yell at you. You don't even deserve to hear my voice right now." He said "Please yell at me." I said "That's an easy roll for you to play-- do something bad and then hang your head while a woman yells at you. That's what your wife and you're mother do. Well, I'M not doing that. How about taking responsibility for your actions BEFORE you do something?"

 

Not that it makes it hurt less, just saying!

[whichwayisup]

So sorry you're going through this! Think you're fortunate to get away from him. He seems unstable to me with this small bit of info about him.

 

Who leaves a twenty year marriage for someone after knowing them for two weeks?

 

Was just going to say this. That's a huge red flag right there. Nobody can up and leave a 20 year marriage and the next day start a new life with someone they 'barely' know. So unhealthy and just asking for heartache.

 

You didn't invest years of emotions and love into him, so I hope you're able to let go and heal, grow from this experience.

[freestyle]

You dodged a bullet.

[jlola]

So, um... there is a difference between trying to make sense of something that happened to you and hurts, and making rationalizations for it. I think it's perfectly acceptable to look for reasons. I don't see anyone making excuses at all. What I see is you being overly sensitive. Clearly Cat is doing the best she can right now and there are those of us who would support her in whatever that is for her right now. I understand that you may think you are being supportive, but it's pretty harsh. Slow down Speed Racer, take a breath.

 

. I have been there.Trying to rationalize someone's behavior.Talking it over for hours with friends. Trying to use my rational and other people's to explain what happened kept me stuck.

 

Then I began to take look at behavior and quickly saw that people are where they want to be. There are many who dangle,play victim,ruin lives cause they are a mess.

 

My Analogy on this situation.

 

A man earns 100k a year. He stands to lose half with child support, divorce or whatever. Ok. Meanwhile, this same man is "in love" with OW. OW earns 60K a year. He leaves marriage . If he and this woman are truly in love he knows they will end up together. He may have to struggle a bit for awhile,if he is smart and does not move in with her right away. But life is never perfect.

 

He knows whatever income He loses in the divorce,they "together" can unite and still make it. Rebuild.

 

if he is truly in love,for him to use finance to stop the divorce go back to wife would make no sense. Otherwise money to him is more important than love.

 

If I had to work 2-3 jobs, in order not to live with someone I do not love and have a chance to be with the love of my life,I would do it.

I always say I would preffer to live in a small apartment with a man I love and eat peanut butter sandwiches everyday,rather the. Live in a mansion and eat lobster everyday with someone I do not love.

 

Sacrifices are part of love.As for not being able to see children.Almost everyone I know has shared custody. Most who are divorced and really focus on the children tell me the quality of time they now spend with their kids is also important.

[jlola]

Not that it matters but for what it's worth, I didn't let him "officially" move in after two weeks. I'm dumb, but I'm not that dumb. He still had a room at a friend's house... he never slept there, though. My house every night but about 5 the whole time I knew him. Plus he had a lot of things from his own house that he moved out and into my house--because he had nowhere else to go. He used me. I was his storage unit for his furniture and his lies!!

 

 

 

I said this to him the other day-- I said "I'm not going to yell at you. You don't even deserve to hear my voice right now." He said "Please yell at me." I said "That's an easy roll for you to play-- do something bad and then hang your head while a woman yells at you. That's what your wife and you're mother do. Well, I'M not doing that. How about taking responsibility for your actions BEFORE you do something?"

 

Not that it makes it hurt less, just saying!

. You are really strong and not allowing emotions to rule over logic.This is the first part of healing.A sincere big hug!

[Acire52]

It.'s so hard to not be able to communicate with people the depth of those feelings/emotions isn't it. I have been in a relationship for the past 2years with a man I/we both agree is a soul connection, so for me that's pretty deep. Yet, he remains where he is with his woman, whom I didn't find out about until nearly the 1st year was coming up. But here I am, still here. It's devastating and I fully empathise with you. No matter what I could say to help in the end its a case of "going with the flow". Let those emotions and feelings ride the wave. As for trying to understand why they do this, I don't and never will comprehend why! My MM also runs his own business and uses the excuse of I WILL LOSE MY BUSINESS and all that I have built up from nothing. Even I can't understand those reasonings when they say they love you heart and soul.

I have my ups and downs also, and there's is nothing worse than feeling so alone when you are in a supposed relationship.

His partner facebooked me, and I told him that if she asks questions I was not going to lie to protect him (after all, he never protected me). They talk their way out a paperbag backwards.

So all I can say to you Cat is no-one can and should not judge people because we follow our hearts. Hang in there k and I am here should you need to talk it out or even to just download k. All the best.

[happy stillmore]

.If I had to work 2-3 jobs, in order not to live with someone I do not love and have a chance to be with the love of my life,I would do it.

I always say I would preffer to live in a small apartment with a man I love and eat peanut butter sandwiches everyday,rather the. Live in a mansion and eat lobster everyday with someone I do not love.

 

That is soooooo true. I told xMM the same thing. I told him if he was so unhappy with his wife and couldn't financially afford to leave and live on his own, he should work two jobs. What I saw was him sleeping on the weekends with his wife making few demands on him because she didn't want him to leave. He was a cake-eater who enjoys the easy life. His wife supporting him. It is evident he didn't truly love me. If he had, he would have worked hard to be able to live the life he wanted (or I thought he wanted.)

 

Instead, they always go back to "I promised to take care of my wife and girls." Ha ha! It is more like they are taking care of him! Oh and why didn't he think of that promise two years ago when he said he wasn't happy with his marriage. I'm with you, jLoli. I would rather live on pb&j sandwiches with the man I love than be stuck in an unhappy marriage and financially comfortable.

[egalew]

Cat, I so feel your pain. I had a somewhat similar experience. ExMM had moved out. Wasn't living with me, though. Divorce papers were on the table. All he had to do was sign. They had no kids. No joint assets. Even lawyers said it would be a no brainer divorce.

 

He was so "happy" to be a free man. He was gonna travel, play music, bla, bla, boa. Meanwhile, he became very integrated in every aspect of my life and then exactly a week before Xmas gone. He ran faster than a water bug exposed to light.

 

I was absolutely devastated and it took months to get over. I still feel a twinge of pain.

 

I see now what a coward, self-centered, manipulative liar he is. He played and destroyed the hearts of two women. I can only imagine the depth of his wife's pain. The affair was only one aspect of his abuse.

 

I am sorry you're going through this. Reading this board really helped me get through this.

[georgia girl]

Not that it matters but for what it's worth, I didn't let him "officially" move in after two weeks. I'm dumb, but I'm not that dumb. He still had a room at a friend's house... he never slept there, though. My house every night but about 5 the whole time I knew him. Plus he had a lot of things from his own house that he moved out and into my house--because he had nowhere else to go. He used me. I was his storage unit for his furniture and his lies!!

 

 

 

I said this to him the other day-- I said "I'm not going to yell at you. You don't even deserve to hear my voice right now." He said "Please yell at me." I said "That's an easy roll for you to play-- do something bad and then hang your head while a woman yells at you. That's what your wife and you're mother do. Well, I'M not doing that. How about taking responsibility for your actions BEFORE you do something?"

 

Not that it makes it hurt less, just saying!

 

Smartest thing you could have said. If you would have yelled, his guilt would have been alleviated AND he would have used any words you used in anger to justify how the fit wasn't right and "he didn't really" do something all that wrong.

 

Now, let him go. Don't say another word to him. No matter how many times he contacts you, shows up at your house or begs. Make him live with those brilliant final words from you for the rest of his life. You're correct. His mom and his wife yell and probably do a "wrong" with their words. Then, he can rationalize that things are even again. You're not doing that. You are saying, "You were wrong. I acknowledge it. You acknowledge it and leave me alone."

 

Tough, tough, tough! That is the best comeback and strong response I have ever read on here. Please let those be your final words.

 

He may not realize it now, but he just got the biggest wakeup call of his life. Now, heal and find the right man for you. Living well is the best revenge!

[egalew]

Agree. It was a beautiful response. They want us to yell and scream, so they can act like the scolded little boys. It lets them off.

 

I witnessed my exMM's meltdown exactly a week before X-mas. After eating dinner, he spiraled out of control and said: "I still love my wife and we have a lot in common." (This wasn't what he been saying for the past 12 months.)

 

Then he said the most obnoxious thing one can say to a mom with a special needs child, and who gets very little support from t he father: "You know, if I can't make my rent I have no back up." (Highly educated. Good job. Total kept man. The whole time he was with the wife -- his second -- he never paid one damn bill.)

 

When I got the "form letter" break-up e-mail the next day and subsequent e-mails, I didn't respond, nor will I ever. The ex's wife was hotheaded and always screaming and flying off the handle. (I saw some of the texts. She had no respect for him.) I wasn't going to do it.

[cat]

Well you guys will be disappointed in me It's been 7 days since we had contact-- except I was weak on Saturday and texted him a sad text, I feel pathetic, just saying that I have to believe he really loved me because it all felt and seemed too real. And OF COURSE he didn't text back, he ignored me, so not only have I broken NC, but I look like a pathetic loser.

 

I feel like i want to type "I'm sorry." I wish I hadn't sent it, and I'm embarrassed to admit I did

 

I can't fathom going back to someone you say you don't love. While we were together and he was out of their marital home, I asked him so many times if this was what he wanted, if he could handle the stress, if this was worth it to him. Every time, he said YES, he loved me, I was the love of his life, he would do anything to keep me-- then one day he just showed up and said he was reconciling with his wife after 5 months out of their house, that I he realized I wasn't the right person for him and that he had been trying to convince himself...

 

Even if he doesn't love me, I KNOW he doesn't love her, or at least the marriage isn't healthy like it should be. WHY GO BACK? Why not just follow through on the divorce and live alone?

 

I have tried to be social, to spend lots of time with my friends. I'm trying to engage in hobbies alone that we did together. I went to a barbecue today. I had fun at first but then weight came over me after abuot an hour and I had to come home. I just wanted to cry. I didn't want to be around anyone.

 

It makes me sick to think about him with his wife, back in his routine, that what we had was fake. I know he did me way wrong, but it still hurts and I can't seem to turn it off.

 

I know I'm venting here but the pain isn't lessening like I'd hoped. I'm a week out and it's so raw.

[cat]

Who leaves a twenty year marriage for someone after knowing them for two weeks?

 

By the way, this little gem has really helped me! You're right, WHO DOES THAT? I can't believe I never thought of that until the other day.

[happy stillmore]

Cat,

I've been there. Still there three months later. It will get easier for you. You do question everything. His love for you. Was it real? It is so hard. You will go through intermittent periods of anger and sadness. Treat it as a death. Accept it and say goodbye. Tell yourself he made the choice. He is one f#$@ed dude. Feel sorry for him. He is not able to feel true happiness as he is not being true to himself. He is settling. You don't settle for second-class treatment. You deserve better. Be glad you saw his true miserable self before it was too late. Move on to better things. Remember happiness is found within yourself. First and foremost.

[cat]

I saw this morning that he removed me from a facebook group for an event we were planning to go to this weekend. I know it's a small, silly thing--it's not like I was still planning to go-- but every little thing is like a knife in the gut.

 

I didn't mention before that while we were together his wife sent me a facebook message and I replied. HEre's what it said:

 

Her: "I'm ABC, XYZ'swife. I know you had an affair with him and I must say I was surprised, by looking at your facebook you look like a Christian and didn't think someone of faith would do that. I know XYZ told you he hasn't loved me in 8 years and he was in a loveless marriage, but it wasn't because I loved him and my family. I asked him not to see you until we have finished what we need to finish, it is hard enough going thru what I am but knowing he is dating you just makes it so much harder. I have asked him to finish taking his things from our house and do the work that needs done then he is free to date who he chooses. Please don't have contact with our daughter, she is angry enough with her dad and she doesn't need anything else to upset her."

 

Me: "I just saw this message, it was in my junk folder. I don't know what to say. Not that it matters, but I'm a better person than you think. I'm really sorry for what you're going through. I don't consider myself the cause of XYZ moving out since I only met him a couple weeks before that. And no, I wouldn't date someone who was living in a home with a family. Your daughter needs to process and grieve and I would have had no thought of any contact with her, or any desire to have that. I'm not sure what XYZ has told you about where things stand with us, so I'll leave that to him. There's a lot of other things I want to say (all nice) but I'll leave them unsaid, except this-- no matter what XYZ does with the rest of his life and who it involves, you have good in front of you."

 

But then after he left, I wrote her again and said: "By the way, if you want any clarification about what went on with XYZ and me, or if something's not adding up, you know where to find me."

 

ANd I left it at that. But I imagine that will keep him from ever talking to me again. He's probably so pissed that i did that. I wish I hadn't.

 

BUT WHY DO I CARE if he ever talks to me again? Why am I attached to someone with so many issues?

 

Again, just rambling here. Anyone have responses either to this FB messaging or the fact that I broke NC and got totally ignored?

[maidai]

Its done now. How long ago did she message you and you message her back? It will make him go two ways. Ignore you even more or go batsh*t crazy.

 

Just block her now and move on. If you dont you will be waiting and waiting for more contact that may or may never come x

[cat]

She actually messaged me on August 1st. I didn't see it for about 3 weeks, until-- Ironically-- the morning he dumped me last weekend, about 2 hours before. He called me, I told him that she had messaged me and I had messaged her back. I read both messages to him.

 

He apologized for her behavior, said that she was mean, and that he deserved some semblance of happiness. HE said he loved me and that he would be over at 3:00 pm so we could spend the evening together.

 

Then he came over at noon and told me he was going back to her.

 

Then the next day I told her she knew where to find me if she wanted to know anything.

[maidai]

Block her sweetie xxx I have learnt from bitter experience no matter how imperfect things are in *their* world if they are presenting a current united front and trying to work things out anything more you hear will only be stuff that hurts you. What he will tell you when he contacts you without her influence will be very very different to what you hear when she is around. I got a text of his phone sent I know from her probably with him present but after that another from him in a totally different vein. Clean break time. Dont leave contact avenues open.

[whichwayisup]

Even if he doesn't love me, I KNOW he doesn't love her, or at least the marriage isn't healthy like it should be. WHY GO BACK? Why not just follow through on the divorce and live alone?

 

He changed his mind. For whatever reason(s), it's his right and decision to make. Like it or not.

 

Maybe he realized he does love her more than he realized.

Maybe he just lied to you about it all, who knows.

 

Either way, it's over and his silence and ignoring you IS a hint and a sign that you need to let go and really begin your grieving process. Never reach out to him again.. NC now means no new hurts.