Need suggestion.

[zum1]

I was having an affair with a MM who was also my very old friend. He told me that his marriage is not as he wanted but he was trying to work on it but after falling in love with me has decided to not give that any more time. But if anyone found out that he wants to get out of relationship because of our affair then he may lose a lot, including his ten year old son. So he was figuring out what to do. Whenever I would ask him what has he thought he would assure me that everything will fall in place with time and together we created a lot of plans. He said his wife frustrated him and he do not have any physical relationship with her and often sleeps in a different room. It has been going on for nearly ten months and it sounded like we were headed in right direction but just last week he told me that his wife is preg which she got after 10 years!!

 

They had problem conceiving and anyway did not not had plans for another child. He is telling me this was not planned. He asked me to continue the way we were. I was obviously taken aback. He says his feelings for me are still the same and nothing changes but he can't leave his family life now. He used to be stressed until he met me but I made him happy he says.

 

So he knew since Feb that his wife is expecting but he did not tell me until last week!! I obviously feel played on and I have no more patience. So I questioned him about so many things. He said I used to leave him desperate and he used to take it out on his wife!! As we used to chat at night and were not able to meet. I said lot of bad things to him and then he said a lot too, it got really nasty argument that lasted all day.

 

In the end of argument he said, if I break up with him he has many more choices and I won't even get to know when he is having another affair. He has warned me to stay away from his wife as I told him that I will tell her.

 

I do not want anyone in my family & relatives to know what happened with me as I know for sure they will not be able to take the stress. He also said he will tell my grandparents that I was pasteurising him to say and do things to him!!!!! They may not believe him entirely but will know that something not so good went on.

 

The only option I see is to forget everything and move on and I would have done just that if I had known that he was honest and whatever happened was unavoidable. But he said following that is provoking me:

1. He will have more affairs

2. Warning to stay away from wife

3. Had sex with her thinking about you and she got pregnant

 

This does not sounds good and I want to give her a hint, if not tell everything, as I don't think what he has been telling me all along is right.

 

I am not sure what is a non-silly way to go about it. Or should I just let him be, learn from mistake and move on? Any advices?

Edited August 25, 2013 by zum1

[darkmoon]

tell her, but be strong, he might cause you problems, the wife might insist on it, they are probably having breakfast together right now

Edited August 25, 2013 by darkmoon

[whichwayisup]

his wife is preg which she got after 10 years!!

 

I stopped reading after I saw this.

 

You have no choice but to end it now. He is going to be a father and there's no way he is ever going to leave his wife and baby.

 

You deserve to be with a man who will love only you, so do not 'settle' to be second fiddle and his back up when he feels like having his ego stroked.

 

Try to wish him well, and say goodbye so you can grieve the loss. If you choose to stay and accept what he's selling you, your life is going to be painful and full of heartache and roller coaster rides for a long long time.

[whichwayisup]

If you tell, then expect to have to face the fall out and consquences of your choice in having an affair with a MM and own your part in the affair. If you can't handle knowing that others in your family will find out then just exit his life forever and never look back.

[zum1]

I stopped reading after I saw this.

 

You have no choice but to end it now. He is going to be a father and there's no way he is ever going to leave his wife and baby.

 

You deserve to be with a man who will love only you, so do not 'settle' to be second fiddle and his back up when he feels like having his ego stroked.

 

Try to wish him well, and say goodbye so you can grieve the loss. If you choose to stay and accept what he's selling you, your life is going to be painful and full of heartache and roller coaster rides for a long long time.

 

I wish you had read more. He do not deserve to be wished well.

[zum1]

If you tell, then expect to have to face the fall out and consquences of your choice in having an affair with a MM and own your part in the affair. If you can't handle knowing that others in your family will find out then just exit his life forever and never look back.

 

I went with this option but I keep on getting these thoughts that he is hunting for the next one telling her how unhappy he is with his wife. I saw his new face last week.

[zum1]

tell her, but be strong, he might cause you problems, the wife might insist on it, they are probably having breakfast together right now

 

Agree and may be planning an affair with someone else. he was laughing at me and said , I pity you and was sending me messages with ...LOL!! and said he is amused at my reaction!!!

[zum1]

He also said, from his "experience" he only has affairs with girls who in some way cannot afford to let family know. And said, "That's free tip for you LOL!!"

 

Also said, "You sound like victimised, you also had FUN!"

 

And lot many nasty things like this, also said things about my character and family!! All this is very difficult to forget!

[SoleMate]

He also said, from his "experience" he only has affairs with girls who in some way cannot afford to let family know. And said, "That's free tip for you LOL!!"

 

Also said, "You sound like victimised, you also had FUN!"

 

And lot many nasty things like this, also said things about my character and family!! All this is very difficult to forget!

As offensive and hurtful as those words clearly are, they are also a gift: By showing himself to be such a complete, nasty, rotten, mean @$$h0Ie, MM should be making it easier for you to detach emotionally.

 

Which you need to do ASAP. I would suggest some new friends and activities to fill your time and rebuild your self-esteem and pride.

[zum1]

As offensive and hurtful as those words clearly are, they are also a gift: By showing himself to be such a complete, nasty, rotten, mean @$$h0Ie, MM should be making it easier for you to detach emotionally.

 

Which you need to do ASAP. I would suggest some new friends and activities to fill your time and rebuild your self-esteem and pride.

 

Have no problem getting over him! He has made it easy by his behaviour. I cannot spend one more second thinking about him. It was a lesson I learned and I have moved on.

 

Its just that urge of exposing him does not goes away, he has provoked me enough!! and I am not sure how to do it without letting him say things to my family!! He knew all through our friendship what I can/cannot share with them! And looks like he took advantage of the situation.

Edited August 25, 2013 by zum1

[whichwayisup]

 

Its just that urge of exposing him does not goes away, he has provoked me enough!! and I am not sure how to do it without letting him say things to my family!! He knew all through our friendship what I can/cannot share with them! And looks like he took advantage of the situation.

 

And you knew all along he was married. He may have taken advantage of the situation, yes, but this isn't all on him. You chose this and unfortunately got burned and he turned out to be a real ahole. Either walk away from it all from completely, wash your hands of it or come clean to his wife with the notion that you'll have to face your part in this and possibly have people in your life find out about your affair with him. It's up to you. All depends on your taste for revenge and wanting to expose him vs protecting yourself. I suggest you seek counseling to sort it out in a healthy way.

[trailrunner1975]

From a man's perspective: cut him off cold, forever. 100% NC for good. Nothing good comes from him and telling his wife will make things worse for you- everyone shoots the messenger. If he contacts you at all take out a no contact order. Doing that will make her suspicious and put his every move under constant scrutiny.

[veryhappy]

How old are you? How old is he?

 

His wife should be in the last months of pregnancy. I would not tell. There's the std risk to her and the baby, but hopefully she and him a the doctors can figure that out in the prenatal care. Emotionally, it's best that she doesn't deal with this now or postpartum. Want to tell? Go back and tell in a year.

 

Your AP is a piece of ****. The good part is that now you know who he is. He's telling you he preyed on you by making sure you wouldn't want to be discovered, and then he laughs that you consider yourself a victim. He's a sick person. He's also flip flopping like most of them. The non existing marriage suddenly becomes your fault. He was taking it out on her because of you, because if you hadn't been in the picture he'd had been such a perfect husband. Yeah, right...

 

Press the eject button, and revisit telling in at least 6-9 months. Heal first and let his wife recover from having a baby.

 

Now...for the piece of crap that he is...i would send a message saying ...You think your fun was free and you'll keep doing this forever. It won't and you're not even close to how great you think you are. I'm not afraid of you, your threats or facing the consequences of what I've done...I will tell your wife when the time is right, so good luck to you and your sick ways in the mean time.

 

I'm sorry you were played by such a calous person. You will recover.

Edited August 25, 2013 by cutedragon

[veryhappy]

To add...treatening him serves the purpose of restoring the balance of power. Right now it feels like he crushed you and he has all the power. If you threaten him, and he can't get to you by you going complete NC, he'll be the one stressing and feeling out of control. He deserves to torment himself a little bit. He can get an A to deal with the stress lol.

 

It only works if you are determined you are done and not going back to the A or having any contact with him.

[HopingAgain]

Why not? Because you didn't get what you wanted?

You made the CHOICE to have an affair with him, that means you KNEW he had the ability to lie. I don't even understand why you are angry. Did you really think he wasn't having sex with his wife?

 

He said bad things to you, but you admit you said bad things to him too, it's call an argument, the end of a relationship and it's what happens.

 

Obviously you don't want to be part of that anymore, so now it's time to move on and heal.

 

Good luck.

I'd stay away from him, his unborn baby and his wife (you're going to be as guilty in her eyes as he is and you knew he was married, why do you suddenly think you have the right to act like a tattletale when you didn't before?)

 

I agree with every word of this. You took a risk, and got played. Time to move on. Plotting vengeance is only going to backfire on you. Take this as a lesson learned and avoid dating MM in the future.

[zum1]

Wow. With him saying all this stuff how were you able to have an affair with him at all?? I wonder this the most. I have read so many stories of affair partners and betrayed spouses being in love with these people who are just JEERRKKSS. Plain and simple. They go on and on and say s/he did this to me, s/he did that to me and follow it all up with "but I loovvveee him!!" SERIOUSLY??!

 

If he said all that stuff to you how and why did you have an affair with him?

 

He said all this just last week when I refused to play along and threatened to expose him. I called him names and he did too and 'challenged' me to DARE tell his wife.

 

If I had played along I was still his darling!!

[zum1]

To add...treatening him serves the purpose of restoring the balance of power. Right now it feels like he crushed you and he has all the power. If you threaten him, and he can't get to you by you going complete NC, he'll be the one stressing and feeling out of control. He deserves to torment himself a little bit. He can get an A to deal with the stress lol.

 

It only works if you are determined you are done and not going back to the A or having any contact with him.

 

I am with you on this. Spare his wife but at least can threaten him. He has threatened and challenged me, is there a message I can send him to make him sh** in his pants?

[zum1]

I agree with every word of this. You took a risk, and got played. Time to move on. Plotting vengeance is only going to backfire on you. Take this as a lesson learned and avoid dating MM in the future.

 

I would move on but I have several threats from him. He did not ended it well. And he tried a lot to not end it all. He tried a lot to convince me to play along.

 

The reason he did not tell me in Feb was because he knew I will do something like telling his wife but not when she is at so much advanced stage.

 

He knows I will be considerate but he is stretching his luck a little too much.

[whichwayisup]

I would move on but I have several threats from him. He did not ended it well. And he tried a lot to not end it all. He tried a lot to convince me to play along.

 

The reason he did not tell me in Feb was because he knew I will do something like telling his wife but not when she is at so much advanced stage.

 

He knows I will be considerate but he is stretching his luck a little too much.

 

Affairs usually don't end well PERIOD.

 

If you poke the bees nest you're gonna get stung. Who cares who said what and who is in power, or the game playing and nastiness. Bottom line is, you knew he was married from the get go and now that all has gone south revenge and hate is on your mind and probably his as well. My note to you about wishing him well is MORE about you to get to a place of peace and let go of the pain and resentment. Turn some of that anger to yourself and use it to help let go and move on with your life so you can be happier and be in a healthier frame of mind.

 

The game ends when YOU end it and walk away. Who gives a rats ass what he thinks or feels, if he thinks he 'won' by a power game. Your A is over.

[darkmoon]

leave it

 

he may yet come back divorced, seen that before now

 

it's not like he's besotted by her, he's not faithful to her

 

he must be divorced fully, not just separated, mind you

Edited August 25, 2013 by darkmoon

[zum1]

I am not sure what is right thing to do anymore. If I don't do anything then it feels like I am taking an easy road. If I want to do something then I will be hurting some innocents plus family politics will catch fire! It would have been a debate if I were to marry a divorcee but this affair will not be digested easy!! It will spoil my reputation forever, kids/ teenagers will be told to stay away from me (we have big family)!

 

I wish I was a lil clever. I do not want to tell his wife to satisfy my ego rather I just want her to keep him on close leash so he don't mess and hurt anyone like he did to me. He lied that his marriage was going for a toss and he has assured me that he will repeat this. He also made me see some lines in his hands and said , look I will always have a mistress !! I was disgusted !! That whole day we argued and fought so much. So many tantrums from him!! I should have slapped him but I was so exhausted!!

 

Wish there was something I could do.

[trailrunner1975]

I am not sure what is right thing to do anymore. If I don't do anything then it feels like I am taking an easy road. If I want to do something then I will be hurting some innocents plus family politics will catch fire! It would have been a debate if I were to marry a divorcee but this affair will not be digested easy!! It will spoil my reputation forever, kids/ teenagers will be told to stay away from me (we have big family)!

 

I wish I was a lil clever. I do not want to tell his wife to satisfy my ego rather I just want her to keep him on close leash so he don't mess and hurt anyone like he did to me. He lied that his marriage was going for a toss and he has assured me that he will repeat this. He also made me see some lines in his hands and said , look I will always have a mistress !! I was disgusted !! That whole day we argued and fought so much. So many tantrums from him!! I should have slapped him but I was so exhausted!!

 

Wish there was something I could do.

 

Forget about the easy road, take the smart road. The wise road. The relatively simple road. As for wishiing for something you can do, run far far away. Don't look back and consider this a lesson learned.

[whichwayisup]

I am not sure what is right thing to do anymore. If I don't do anything then it feels like I am taking an easy road. If I want to do something then I will be hurting some innocents plus family politics will catch fire! It would have been a debate if I were to marry a divorcee but this affair will not be digested easy!! It will spoil my reputation forever, kids/ teenagers will be told to stay away from me (we have big family)!

Then DON'T go looking for more drama and fall out than you can handle.

 

How is letting go and ignoring him, going on with your life "doing nothing?" Give that some thought. You'e TOO concerned about what he *may* think, who cares! Just focus on your life and forget him. If you don't want your family, your kids, extended family and friends to find out, just walk away and put your ego aside. What's more important?

 

I wish I was a lil clever. I do not want to tell his wife to satisfy my ego rather I just want her to keep him on close leash so he don't mess and hurt anyone like he did to me. He lied that his marriage was going for a toss and he has assured me that he will repeat this. He also made me see some lines in his hands and said , look I will always have a mistress !! I was disgusted !! That whole day we argued and fought so much. So many tantrums from him!! I should have slapped him but I was so exhausted!!

See, it seems you enjoy the drama this brings. You're creating it as much as it's coming into your life as well.

 

Stop putting ALL the blame on him. You chose to believe him. You went into the A willingly. Most MM lie and exaggerate about their marriage and what goes on at home. Let me ask, if he had said things are pretty good at home, I have no intention of leaving, I love my wife, but I just enjoy having some fun on the side, want to have sex with you and that's it - Would you have continued the A with him? Or would you have thought screw it! I don't need this and walk away. Think about it, please.

 

The guy is SCUM.

Wish there was something I could do.

 

GO on with your life and be happy.

[happy stillmore]

I would walk away, actually run away from that selfish jerk. He sounds like he is a bit antisocial without remorse for his actions. I pity his wife. I am sorry you are hurting but at least, you know what you don't want. A married man or a jerk single man. Just tell yourself: what goes around, comes around. His game will end someday when he is found out by his own actions.

[whatatangledweb]

I was having an affair with a MM who was also my very old friend. He told me that his marriage is not as he wanted but he was trying to work on it but after falling in love with me has decided to not give that any more time. But if anyone found out that he wants to get out of relationship because of our affair then he may lose a lot, including his ten year old son. So he was figuring out what to do. Whenever I would ask him what has he thought he would assure me that everything will fall in place with time and together we created a lot of plans. He said his wife frustrated him and he do not have any physical relationship with her and often sleeps in a different room. It has been going on for nearly ten months and it sounded like we were headed in right direction but just last week he told me that his wife is preg which she got after 10 years!!

 

They had problem conceiving and anyway did not not had plans for another child. He is telling me this was not planned. He asked me to continue the way we were. I was obviously taken aback. He says his feelings for me are still the same and nothing changes but he can't leave his family life now. He used to be stressed until he met me but I made him happy he says.

 

So he knew since Feb that his wife is expecting but he did not tell me until last week!! I obviously feel played on and I have no more patience. So I questioned him about so many things. He said I used to leave him desperate and he used to take it out on his wife!! As we used to chat at night and were not able to meet. I said lot of bad things to him and then he said a lot too, it got really nasty argument that lasted all day.

 

In the end of argument he said, if I break up with him he has many more choices and I won't even get to know when he is having another affair. He has warned me to stay away from his wife as I told him that I will tell her.

 

I do not want anyone in my family & relatives to know what happened with me as I know for sure they will not be able to take the stress. He also said he will tell my grandparents that I was pasteurising him to say and do things to him!!!!! They may not believe him entirely but will know that something not so good went on.

 

The only option I see is to forget everything and move on and I would have done just that if I had known that he was honest and whatever happened was unavoidable. But he said following that is provoking me:

1. He will have more affairs

2. Warning to stay away from wife

3. Had sex with her thinking about you and she got pregnant

 

This does not sounds good and I want to give her a hint, if not tell everything, as I don't think what he has been telling me all along is right.

 

I am not sure what is a non-silly way to go about it. Or should I just let him be, learn from mistake and move on? Any advices?

 

When people argue they say things that are untrue in order to hurt the other person. Such as he will have other affairs. He threatened to tell your family because you threatened to tell his wife.

 

You want to tell his wife to make him pay because you are hurt. It isn't for her or you would have told her way before now. When people do things out of revenge it normally backfires on them. Block him and find someone who makes you happy.