The Plot Thickens...

[jnd2009]

So I posted on here not long ago about my feelings of MM and being with my bf. It was suggested to me to take a break from both and find myself. That's the last I talked to you guys. (3 1/2 years later, or something along those lines was the name of my last post if you're interested in more of a back story)

 

Update: Boy has a lot happened. I don't recall exactly when I last posted, but I hooked up with MM mid January. After that, I decided it has to stop. I want to only be friends with him and still do. I do remember I said I was trying to not talk to him as much and let him approach me (other than on facebook comments and such)- well I broke the "silence" because of his work having to do with my sister, something came up there. So we've talked in general since. Well I had also tried to go back to my mom's (staying there, not breaking up with bf). That didn't last long at all and I went back home with bf. Right after that I started to have health problems which the symptoms were leaning towards an ectopic pregnancy, 2 different std's, or polyps/possible cancer. I of course was scared about the first 2 and doubted the last possibility, considering it was MM or bf that could be the origin of the situation. I hated myself because it brought to light if I were to get pregnant, is it MM or my bf? I'd really have to spend the $2,000 or so doing prenatal DNA testing and face a horrible breakup with bf of 8 years if it wasn't his, let alone the MM is well, married. I took this as a definite sign of we really have to stop (MM and I). So the week I had the health issues I went to the doc that Fri, and of course first thing she says is I'm pregnant go take a test. Thankfully I was not. I chose to get further testing/ultrasound to rule out any other health issues although at this point she said it's a fluke (my symptoms that is). Well waiting for further testing that day I swung by MM's office to say hi (as friends) since they were in the same town. He knew I was at the doc but I didn't want to tell him why at the time because other people were around.

 

Jump forward to this past Friday. I got all my tests back, everything's normal, thankfully. I was going to meet up with MM to hang out and give him the details of my issues the night before (by MM's request to hang out actually), but the bf wanted to do dinner so I never went. MM and I had been texting, messaging etc a lot this past week, all initiated by him. So Friday I'm out with the bf and friends, and I get on facebook just to see what's going on. In my news feed, MM's wife had tagged him in a pic on facebook...of her sonogram picture. I was shocked, completely beside myself. Didn't know what to do. I did know I'd much rather hear it from him than on facebook. Then I thought, because of my health issues thinking I was possibly pregnant, I don't want to tell him about me and him thinking I'm making it up because his W is. So my grand idea was get ahold of him and meet up with him that night, mention I haven't been on facebook/found out about the W, and bring up my issues and let him know my stuff before "i find out" so he doesn't think I'm making stuff up. I also wanted to see his reaction when I said I may have been pregnany to get a feel for how this would turn out. Thankfully I was able to meet up with him although I had doubts he'd come and say he's tired. I met him at his office. The way he was acting, normal, like nothing's wrong or happening, made me wonder if he'd even tell me. I kept trying to grab my phone and try to get on it to "browse" and "stumble across it" but he had a way to get my phone from me everytime. Anyways, I tell him my issues, tell him because of that and the fact that what we do was taking away from mine and the bf's relationship I think we should be done and just be friends, nothing more. After about 2-3 hours of hanging out, talking, then getting down to what I had to say, he finally said he thinks it's a good idea, and said he had something to show me. I was SOOO relieved because I didn't want to have to hold in not saying anything to him, and wait and wonder when he'd tell me about his baby. He finally showed me, and I feel bad 1. because I lied to him that I already know, and he was so excited that I had not seen it yet and 2. because my reaction was not genuine. He said he'd been wanting to tell me in person but that week we just never got around to it/seeing each other.

 

I will say talking to him that night, I felt WAY more comfortable talking to him about everything and anything. And by that I mean about each other's relationships. I would mention stuff with my bf a lot but he wouldn't mention nearly as much about his W (before that night). Of course I asked him questions about were you trying, and told him I felt like an ass that I'm messing with him and his W is pregnant (although in saying that I more or less meant him because he obviously knew about the baby before I did). She got pregnant Nov, we had sex Dec and Jan (once each). I'm pretty sure he knew about the baby for the Jan one, but he said he didn't, but they were suspicious she was. He said they discussed it and weren't trying but she stopped bc and if it happened it happened. It kinda frustrates me because 4 years ago we decided our stop point would be me engaged or them trying for a family. We see his end didn't uphold. He then seemed ok with still messing around (going down on each other) but I said nothing at all. He was more about the no sex part (which I would have to say was always me wanting that part). I honestly would just want sex, and of course going down turns me on, so why tease myself? I still stuck with we're doing nothing. He was fine with that (although he kept trying to test me, tease me etc, and we turned it into a joke of I bet you wouldn't stop- but still we did nothing that night).

 

So my whole reason for writing this post. We agreed to remain just friends, and promised each other that although that stage of "benefits" is over, we still need to hang out as friends, go to movies (that was our thing) and just chill. Although the borderline inappropriate jokes I'm sure will never go away, because since we met working together we've always had that fun connection. But back to my main point- I won't lie I was completely, absolutely crushed and beside myself that she's pregnant. I still think about it but I try to look at it as he's a friend and I should be happy for him. Not only did my scare make me want kids way more (even thought I know I should wait), but now this other guy that isn't even mine is having one. Yes, it's his first by the way. I guess I'm jealous. I of course don't think kids with him is a good idea considering we're in 2 different relationships, but I want kids of my own with my bf (no, ideally I know we should wait and we are until we're married). But I have been going back and forth of oh, be happy for him and oh, "us" is definitely done and now I'm out. I bet you anything if I tried to mess with him sexually he'd do it, but I don't want to. I guess the best way to describe how I feel is I broke up with someone who I didn't want to break up with in the first place and he's already moved onto the next stage of his life, a child with someone. That's the crushing feeling I feel. It was worse over the weekend, but day by day I think it's slowly but surely getting easier. I had to share. If you're still reading, any input would be appreciated.

[whichwayisup]

You won't like what I have to say. Sorry in advance..

 

End it. There's no way you can have a 'friendship' with him for so many reasons. forget sex - that's only part of this. You love him and there's NO WAY you can handle being in his life, watching him with his pregnant wife, hearing about it, birth of their child. They are going to be parents - A baby will bond them and they'll be a family unit. Walk away... He won't end it 'coz he's selfish and likes having you on the side. Eventually you two will end up in bed together - which leads me to another issue - If your bf is cheating on YOU (never say never) and you and MM have sex, his wife and her unborn pregnancy is a risk, her health etc.. A friend of mine's husband cheated on her during her pregnancy and she got the nice *) gift of crabs from him at 8 months pregnant! Imagine that!!

 

Also, what about your boyfriend?? Just seems like so much effort to lie and deceive, live a double life, being stressed out and having to hide so much, isn't it tiring?? Why do you still have a boyfriend if you want someone else?

 

Anyway, decision is yours but I really hope you give some thought into the future not just NOW. Like in 2 years, they could have another baby. Are you willing to be the OW, his side dish while he's living life with his wife? All the meanwhile you (may or may not be with your bf) are settling for second fiddle to someone who is choosing to have his cake and eat it too. I know you say the A is over but that's doubtful..

[Journee]

I hope you are able to use this to situation to either recommit to or leave your long time partner. Please do not bring children into an R this shattered and full of complication. Maybe you can put your focus and sexual energy %100 into your bf and rebuild. I think truth and honesty are something everyone deserves. I think your bf should know of your activities so that he can make a clear decision about who he with. Especially when it comes to having children. Don't let your bf start a family with you now as he does not know who you are in this affair.

 

As far as MM, I hope he didn't know of his wife's pregnancy and continued to put his child at risk. You yourself were fearing STDs (symptom wise). If you two want to carry on please leave his child's health unharmed. This includes the stress level of his wife. Take a closer look at your MM. Is this what you want? Just because your testing came back clean (great news!) Does not mean you should dismiss the possibility in the future.

 

I wish both your bf and his wife were armed with the truth. I imagine you wouldn't fly so close to the sun any longer with MM. A continued friendship is a terrible idea and unbelievably disrespectful to your respective partners.

 

Cut ties is my advice. If you want your bf recommit, be honest. If not then let him go. We all deserve fidelity in our commitments. Don't continue to take that away from him.

[whichwayisup]

If you want your bf recommit, be honest. If not then let him go. We all deserve fidelity in our commitments. Don't continue to take that away from him.

 

This!

 

If your bf found out the truth on his own, what would you do? End it or try to salvage things?

 

Maybe being alone is something else to think about it, this way you can figure out what it is you want. An affair that will eventually end (A's do have a life span and do end) or wanting to start a family of your own with someone who loves ONLY you, someone you never have to share.

[jnd2009]

I have been wanting to recommit to my bf and have been, hence the reason a few weeks ago I decided no more with MM. I realized that I should be putting time and effort into my bf and not a guy on the side who I know I'll never be with (Although the A started as just for fun years ago as a part of me and bf's open relationship agreement we then stopped because i didnt want to mess with MM anymore, this time I started to actually like him unlike years ago. Once I told him that a couple months ago and said he's not leaving his W, I tried to make it back to just for fun and it didn't work like that so that's when I decided no more. I've gotten over the idea of me and MM, it was a brief idea that i let go a month ago and tell myself to get over my feelings for him which i did until the baby came up then that just confused me).

I don't see myself being without my bf, I tried it when I went to my mom's and missed everything we have together. The other night we got in a small argument and we ended it different than the other few times- realizing we just want to be happy with each other and that wasn't worth it.

 

I know you'd think this is a horrible move- but I couldn't tell my bf about MM. At least not right now. I do want to tell him but I don't want to ruin our relationship. I know this sounds selfish, and maybe I am, but at this point I just want to move on and be happy with bf. I'd like to drastically cut down on talking to MM but not completely shut him out, and considering he'll be busy with a baby in a few months on top of his already super busy schedule I don't see this as a problem. I will still have to see him a few more times because of his business and what he's doing for a family member, but we don't have to see each other outside of that.

 

You are right, it will hurt seeing their happy family- so at this point I'm just trying to downgrade to just being a friend, and slowly slip into the background of that distant friend you talk to every so often if at all...we ended up like that for 2 years, I don't see why we can't be like that again. Honestly the only reason we started seeing each other in person again (despite him for a while saying let's see each other and i really didn't want to to stay away from temptation knowing how we were) was because he had borrowed a movie i wanted back

 

Bf knew I was hanging out with MM, but it was getting to the point where I was possibly going to lie and deceive to go see MM, another reason I decided to stop. It's bad enough what I did, I wasn't trying to lie to bf to go do it on top of it.

 

As far as me having kids, I want to wait till marriage. If I were to get pregnant I would have the child, but we're not trying. Bf wants to wait to get married still...and wait even longer for kids.

 

Thank you for pointing out STDs and his unborn child....didnt think of it that way, and it's another reason to stay away.

 

Sorry it's out of order, but I was writing back and adding to what you've written.

[veryhappy]

You are obviously more into this guy than he was into you. If you didn't know they were trying to concieve, it tells you how important you are to him to keep you in the loop and maintain his end about stopping the A. The friendship will only keep you hurting, but it's your choice.

 

I would suggest you tell your bf about your infidelity. As much as you praise the R with him, there's something wrong about it or you to be cheating for years waiting to get engaged. If you don't fix what's wrong, it will happen again and being married makes everything harder. Marriages are difficult anyway for most people. At least going into it, you should be honest and have the best intentions. If you start off with such a secret, it will undermine it.

[Pierre]

So I posted on here not long ago about my feelings of MM and being with my bf. It was suggested to me to take a break from both and find myself. That's the last I talked to you guys. (3 1/2 years later, or something along those lines was the name of my last post if you're interested in more of a back story)

 

 

Phew! What a nightmare! You are playing your BF; your MM is playing you.

 

And you fooling yourself. Looking for external validation left and right. You need to break up with BF and MM and seek intense IC.

 

Who gave you the two STDs?

 

MM?

 

BF?

 

Wife of MM?

 

OW of your BF?

 

Who passed the STDs?

 

Was everybody informed?

 

Be careful! Please take care of yourself. Some common STDs cause cancer of the cervix.

[2sure]

Its as though you are manipulating yourself. Thats the only way I can term it.

 

You have facts in front of you. He lies to you, cheats on his wife - tells you its a good idea to end the affair - is thrilled they got pregnant.

 

Meanwhile you have a pregnancy scare , which ends up being nothing - and you want his reaction.

 

You arent friends. You go down on each other and attend movies.

 

I mean - I get that you have an emotional investment but...its as though you are taking things our of context , at least thats what I get when I read your own words.

[CarrieT]

I know you'd think this is a horrible move- but I couldn't tell my bf about MM. At least not right now. I do want to tell him but I don't want to ruin our relationship. I know this sounds selfish, and maybe I am, but at this point I just want to move on and be happy with bf.

It is selfish, stupid, and will eventually implode.

 

You will never be happy knowing you have deceived someone; it will gnaw away at you and THAT will ruin the relationship.

 

You are deluded if you believe otherwise.

[Owl]

News flash....this just in!!!

 

Your relationship with your BF will never, ever be what you want it to be if you choose to try to recommit yourself to it while at the same time lying by deception to him about all that's gone on!!!

 

If you want a good relationship...start by being good...which means honest and up front.

 

Otherwise, you're just wasting your time and effort, along with your BF's.

 

Also...your relationship with your BF will always suck if you have MM 'waiting in the wings' in any fashion whatsoever.

 

Once you crossed that line...which you did...it became a situation of having one or the other in your life...not both.

 

So...to end the news flash...get your big girl drawers on and start doing what you need to do!!!!

[lollipop29]

From my experience, you can't be good friends w/ someone you have had an affair with. You can't still go to movies, have personal conversations, hang out alone. It's just not going to work. It's going ot hurt, there will always be an attraction and history. People who are exes can be friends years down the road b/c they have real reasons to draw on as to why the R ended.... affairs don't. there's always a feeling of "we could've been"

[stevie_23]

I was thinking about this today actually, a few hours ago.

 

I was thinking it’s a shame that my ex-MM and I can’t even have a friendship now, and not just because we would ALWAYS still want to be together and probably would end up having issues again because we’d fall back into our old in-love patterns, but also because everything is so secretive we couldn’t have any proper interactions, even as friends! It sucks.

[jnd2009]

So far I've worked through it. I'm to the point where I look at it as good for him, he can be with and stay with his W with their family- I'm basically over it. I am however upset that he did not clue me in with the family talk with his W, which they had obviously months ago. I would not have kept going with it if I would have known. I still want to tell him this, in person if I do ever get the chance. We weren't talking a whole heck of a lot initially , just little comments, hey how are you every now and then, then one day we actually had a whole conversation, and since we've talked like friends. However I can tell the sexual jokes are missing on his part (mine too of course), which he 80% of the time would start anyway (not sure if you remember my previous posts but our friendship initially had innocent flirting). We actually had a phone conversation yesterday which I was happy to have, fun joking conversation (we're both bubbly people!) and the reason he called- his work. I have yet to see him in person, but I know I'll at least be seeing him in a month because of his work. I don't expect any issues. I'm fine with seeing him. I'm over the 'us' thing. I have put it all behind me, and I see it staying that way. Just thought I'd fill you in.