Knowing the 'truth' inside a affair

[FightClub]

Upon reading some more recent threads here, especially looking back in retrospect in my own affair, I noticed something worth mentioning.

 

My brief time in affair-land was spent via long distance and even though I can recall spending literally hours talking to ex-MW, during that time I believed literally everything I had heard.

 

The red flags were certainly there but the feeling of sharing, communication and intimacy would override those gut feelings most of the time. If you had asked at the time, I would have told you that I knew the truth about the WS and how horrible the BS.

 

The BS who I had never met, never communicated with except for an e-mail once sent to me before the EA became a PA. I recall trying to partially blame the BS for the exMW's situation. What I couldn't see then is that the BS and I were equal in that we both didn't clearly see what exMW was really doing, seeing things in a more clear light I have to say I felt bad for BS when I realized what I had taken part in and in a lot of ways, I was truly remorseful for my part in the affair and wish nothing but peace for everyone.

 

It's amazing how looking for the answers within yourself, that you can clearly see the WS will pit you, the affair-partner against the BS to drive competition amongst the love-triangle. The more they fought, the closer and longer we would spend talking and getting deeper in revealing our lives.

 

But this is where the real 'truth inside the affair' becomes more obvious; We never truly know anything beyond what we are told by the WS, because they want it that way, in sections, in pieces because if they gave you the real story, you might find that your place in the affair is interchangeable from one day to the next with how they are feeling with the BS.

 

I remember just hitting my head against the wall going back and forth with what to do with my situation at the time and beyond all reason, all I had to do was walk away.

 

Sometimes the hardest part for anyone in an affair, being the bigger person and walking away but it is so imperative that you choose that path to walk for yourself or you will find yourself in situations like that again and again until you reach that moment and a light bulb goes off.

 

' I control my life, destiny and path.'

 

Happiness should not be tied to how the affair-partner is feeling that day because of a fight with the spouse or pulling away because they are happy with the spouse, none of it matters when you walk away and never look back.

 

We all learn at different times, different stages but keep in mind that you have that power over your own life, no one else can control you except for you.

 

And remember, no one can control a WS either, they do it for themselves, in the end it always ends up being about their own selfishness, maliciously or not.

 

-FC

Edited February 8, 2013 by FightClub

[Lillyfree]

thank you so much for posting this FC. something that everyone who was/is involved with an unavailable person should read.

 

i've highlighted the parts the resonated most with me- could have just as easily bolded your whole post

 

you are so right about the banging your head against the wall - something i did so often yet didn't realise what why and what was going on until i stepped back and was able to see what OM was doing. and the bit about changes in their mood and thus your role depending on what was happening in their relationship - how true.....

 

i felt so stupid and angry with myself that i couldn't see it while it was happening. instead, i was just confused... insecure... felt like i was going crazy.

 

 

Upon reading some more recent threads here, especially looking back in retrospect in my own affair, I noticed something worth mentioning.

 

My brief time in affair-land was spent via long distance and even though I can recall spending literally hours talking to ex-MW, during that time I believed literally everything I had heard.

 

The red flags were certainly there but the feeling of sharing, communication and intimacy would override those gut feelings most of the time. If you had asked at the time, I would have told you that I knew the truth about the WS and how horrible the BS.

 

The BS who I had never met, never communicated with except for an e-mail once sent to me before the EA became a PA. I recall trying to partially blame the BS for the exMW's situation. What I couldn't see then is that the BS and I were equal in that we both didn't clearly see what exMW was really doing, seeing things in a more clear light I have to say I felt bad for BS when I realized what I had taken part in and in a lot of ways, I was truly remorseful for my part in the affair and wish nothing but peace for everyone.

 

It's amazing how looking for the answers within yourself, that you can clearly see the WS will pit you, the affair-partner against the BS to drive competition amongst the love-triangle. The more they fought, the closer and longer we would spend talking and getting deeper in revealing our lives.

 

But this is where the real 'truth inside the affair' becomes more obvious; We never truly know anything beyond what we are told by the WS, because they want it that way, in sections, in pieces because if they gave you the real story, you might find that your place in the affair is interchangeable from one day to the next with how they are feeling with the BS.

 

I remember just hitting my head against the wall going back and forth with what to do with my situation at the time and beyond all reason, all I had to do was walk away.

 

Sometimes the hardest part for anyone in an affair, being the bigger person and walking away but it is so imperative that you choose that path to walk for yourself or you will find yourself in situations like that again and again until you reach that moment and a light bulb goes off.

 

' I control my life, destiny and path.'

Happiness should not be tied to how the affair-partner is feeling that day because of a fight with the spouse or pulling away because they are happy with the spouse, none of it matters when you walk away and never look back.

 

We all learn at different times, different stages but keep in mind that you have that power over your own life, no one else can control you except for you.

 

And remember, no one can control a WS either, they do it for themselves, in the end it always ends up being about their own selfishness, maliciously or not.

 

-FC

[beenburned]

FC,

 

Thank you for posting such a thought provoking thread!

 

Each person in the triangle is manipulated by the WS. The WS gives each one bits and pieces of info to achieve a picture in their mind of their reality.(in order to achieve their goal of continued cake eating/cheating)

 

This^^^ is excluding exit affairs, where they do follow through with all their promises because they truly love the AP and want to live an authentic life with them.

 

Example of manipulation: My former son-in-law had two affairs going on at the same time. They both lasted 4 years before each OW found out about the other. During these years he was telling all kinds of lies to them about why he was cheating on his wife.(my D) He also was promising them a future marriage complete with kids they desired!!

 

When d-day occurred, and they all compared evidence, it was glaringly clear that he was using all of them for his own benefit.(without having any intentions of ever following through on any of his promises to them)

 

They all dropped him immediately and my D filed for divorce. Fraud came out during the discovery stage of the divorce. He not only had taken out loans to buy each OW a car, but even a timeshare beachfront condo for one. Not to mention loads of money for jewelry and entertainment. When he maxed out all of the credit cards and available loans, he then started stealing from my D's personal accounts to keep up his lifestyle.

 

I'm so glad he got what was coming to him! When they all dropped him, he moved out of state, and soon had a new GF that knows nothing of his past history of using people.

[FightClub]

thank you so much for posting this FC. something that everyone who was/is involved with an unavailable person should read.

 

i've highlighted the parts the resonated most with me- could have just as easily bolded your whole post

 

you are so right about the banging your head against the wall - something i did so often yet didn't realise what why and what was going on until i stepped back and was able to see what OM was doing. and the bit about changes in their mood and thus your role depending on what was happening in their relationship - how true.....

 

i felt so stupid and angry with myself that i couldn't see it while it was happening. instead, i was just confused... insecure... felt like i was going crazy.

 

 

Hey Lilly, as I was shifting through thoughts last night, that was one that really seemed to repeat itself until I realized it was cyclical. The same thing happened every time, the push and pull, being irritated by the thought, ' She might leave, she's staying, she might leave, she's staying' and it's something that really hits hard when you realize that it happens so often yet we rarely actively do anything to remove that aggravation.

 

Because we get blinded by the feelings, the escape, just as the MM/MW continue to live in that cycle until one or the other breaks the fantasy.

 

I'm happy my post helped you, keep moving forward!

 

-FC

[FightClub]

Hey Bent,

 

I completely agree, the AP only knows as much as the WS tells them and it wouldn't surprise me if I were to have a conversation with the BS today how much more I previously didn't know. Perfect example was the exMW allowing me to hear the BS yell in the background, in hindsight, I realize she did it to 'confirm' that he was verbally abusive but it's not evidence, it's a set-up like you mentioned.

 

Which, also brings up another good point, no one really knows the WS until they live with them day in, day out. Actually, one person does know and that's the BS, who probably had to deal with much more than an AP was ever presented with.

 

-FC

Edited February 8, 2013 by FightClub