Elfie Posted February 2, 2013 Share Posted February 2, 2013 Have any OW had difficulty with a MM accepting you don't want to be in the A anymore? How did you manage it? How long did it take? How long did you try to do it nicely if you had to become more forceful? I'd appreciate any advice as my MM has been more keen than I for the 8 mths, and I'v tried several home truths and self blame, but to no avail, follows me sometimes and finds places I go to. I have no desire to tell the W, as MM lives opposite me and I'm estranged from family, (abuse) work alone from home and choose not to trust this with the few friends I have. Many thanks Link to post Share on other sites
LFH Posted February 2, 2013 Share Posted February 2, 2013 How have you attempted to deliver the message to him? Have you been VERY clear that you are no longer interested in his attention? Have you let him know that his advances are unwanted? What have you actually said? Maybe we can help you craft a response to him that he will understand. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sunshine6 Posted February 2, 2013 Share Posted February 2, 2013 Yes, every time I said it was too much - need to stop, he eventually came back to inject himself in my life in that way again. We work together so that may have to do with his inability to stay away... Even if he wasn't talking to me, he was looking at me in "that way". Made it very difficult. I'm still battling this, so I'm sorry I can't be much help . Link to post Share on other sites
sunshine6 Posted February 2, 2013 Share Posted February 2, 2013 It sounds like you're being stalked at this point - following you to places?? I would threaten legal action if it's getting to be too much and you really DON"T want him around you anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted February 2, 2013 Share Posted February 2, 2013 Elfie Have you thought of getting some IC - after all you have gone through, you have a lot of stuff to deal with plus it might help rebuild your confidence and strength to deal with going NC properly Link to post Share on other sites
LFH Posted February 2, 2013 Share Posted February 2, 2013 Elfie, try saying this. I truly cannot do this anymore. I am not going to be involved with you from this point on. Please do not call me, stop by or speak to me unless it is absolutely required. This is hurting me and I need you to stop. And then don't asnwer anymore calls. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony Posted February 2, 2013 Senior Moderators Share Posted February 2, 2013 (edited) I'm going to ask Anne1707 and Anne2012 to use this forum with courtesy and respect, BOTH OF YOU. If I see one more discourteous post out of either one of you, both of you will go on a ten-day time out...and be in moderated status. Our moderators here do so unpaid and are way overworked. We do not need either of you creating extra work for us by being involving yourselves in petty arguments. Stop it now. Rule of thumb: If what you have written helps a member to solve their problem, is put forth in a courteous manner, is not argumentative and is overall helpful to others who may have a similar problem....THEN POST! Otherwise, do not post in our forums. Thank you in advance for your kind cooperation. Tony LoveShack.org Director Edited February 2, 2013 by Tony Link to post Share on other sites
Catplates Posted February 2, 2013 Share Posted February 2, 2013 I know it's hard, but sometimes MM will not take you seriously. He will try to break through the boundaries you put into place. It goes like this... Dear...., I will not be communicating with you or seeing you again. YOur continued presence in my life is detrimental to my well being. Elfie. I was involved with MM for almost 3 and a half years. Once I decided to do it... it was over. Make sure you tie up any loose ends before you do it and block every avenue to him... block him from your face book, email addresses etc, If he calls simple hang up, if he texts.. delete without reading. If he comes round do not allow him into your house. Does it sound too hard? It will get harder as time goes on... sooner done the better. Link to post Share on other sites
promises Posted February 2, 2013 Share Posted February 2, 2013 Elfie, try saying this. I truly cannot do this anymore. I am not going to be involved with you from this point on. Please do not call me, stop by or speak to me unless it is absolutely required. This is hurting me and I need you to stop. And then don't asnwer anymore calls. I said something very similar a few times. Didn't stop him. This is coming from someone who had struggled with NC, but, the only way you'll get him to stop is complete NC and if it doesn't stop tell someone you know who can intervene. The police maybe. Link to post Share on other sites
LFH Posted February 2, 2013 Share Posted February 2, 2013 I said something very similar a few times. Didn't stop him. This is coming from someone who had struggled with NC, but, the only way you'll get him to stop is complete NC and if it doesn't stop tell someone you know who can intervene. The police maybe. I agree, but if she hasn't said it yet, she needs to. Then she needs to document everything he does from that point on so she CAN go to the police if needed. Link to post Share on other sites
promises Posted February 2, 2013 Share Posted February 2, 2013 I agree, but if she hasn't said it yet, she needs to. Then she needs to document everything he does from that point on so she CAN go to the police if needed. Exactly. Document everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted February 2, 2013 Share Posted February 2, 2013 There has no SUCH THING in the world that if you want to really reject or no contact with someone, that someone will not get the message from you. Not to say it is just a other man, even it is your husband or ex-husband, as long as you insist NO contact, and under any circumstance receiving millions of text messages or tons of incoming phone call from them, you just show your NO attitude with zero response (ice cold attittue). They or OM will get it -because they don't have choice. (btw, that is how I did in order to get rid of my ex). Unless your attitude is unclear, then nothing can be done, because you are still involving in the relationship with OM that from your intention. Have any OW had difficulty with a MM accepting you don't want to be in the A anymore? How did you manage it? How long did it take? How long did you try to do it nicely if you had to become more forceful? I'd appreciate any advice as my MM has been more keen than I for the 8 mths, and I'v tried several home truths and self blame, but to no avail, follows me sometimes and finds places I go to. I have no desire to tell the W, as MM lives opposite me and I'm estranged from family, (abuse) work alone from home and choose not to trust this with the few friends I have. Many thanks Link to post Share on other sites
LFH Posted February 2, 2013 Share Posted February 2, 2013 There has no SUCH THING in the world that if you want to really reject or no contact with someone, that someone will not get the message from you. That's not true Mount. Plenty of people have indivuals that won't leave them alone or people who really don't get the message. It's part of why stalker laws are in place. This guy is starting to step beyond regular "boyfriend that won't go away" behavior 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted February 2, 2013 Share Posted February 2, 2013 I agree except stalkers, I almost added that particular case in my last original message but I did not. However, I want to point out that, most or some OWs their emotion is relatively weak, DO NOT have strong power, thus they are obsessed with married men a lot and talking about MMs all the time, can not let go - even saying they want to end verbally. So what they pose or phrase here is that, they "want" to end the relationship with MMs, but MMs don't want to let (them) go. But let us be real, how many MMs being stalkers what so ever, don't we see here ENOUGH, OWs being crazily are the stalkers that can let the relationship go. I am just hoping the original post here is not the case, and she is truly wanting to end the R with MM. That's not true Mount. Plenty of people have indivuals that won't leave them alone or people who really don't get the message. It's part of why stalker laws are in place. This guy is starting to step beyond regular "boyfriend that won't go away" behavior 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted February 2, 2013 Share Posted February 2, 2013 I totally agree. I am just talking the subject only from this post, most OWs are being OWs only or put themsleves in very passive situation, because they have not expressed FIRMLY what they really want, they hesitate, or afraid of this or that. Basically if you want someone/something, you need to walk the talk, to make yourself get there. Likewise, if you DON'T want someone/something, you also need to walk the talk, make every action/gesture displaying your will. If you refuse to tell his wife, then you need to be firm. He will get the hint after a little while. Because you repeatedly keep stopping and starting the affair, he doesn't take you seriously anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 3, 2013 Share Posted February 3, 2013 Have any OW had difficulty with a MM accepting you don't want to be in the A anymore? How did you manage it? How long did it take? How long did you try to do it nicely if you had to become more forceful? I'd appreciate any advice as my MM has been more keen than I for the 8 mths, and I'v tried several home truths and self blame, but to no avail, follows me sometimes and finds places I go to. I have no desire to tell the W, as MM lives opposite me and I'm estranged from family, (abuse) work alone from home and choose not to trust this with the few friends I have. Many thanks You're in a tough position because he lives across the road from you. All I can say, as hard as it is, ignore him. Even if it kills you inside, do not acknowledge him or look at him. He may feel he can manipulate you and put you under his control, try to woo you back into the A. Don't fall for it. Be strong and just know that eventually he will get tired of chasing you. Just don't react. It's one thing if he bothers you in public, but if he comes to your house, don't hesitate to call the cops on him as that's an invasion of your space and privacy, especially if the A is indeed over and he won't leave you alone. DO talk to your friends, at least one of them. Don't go at this alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Elfie Posted February 3, 2013 Author Share Posted February 3, 2013 Thank you EVERYONE for your replies and advice. One poster hit it on the head - he doesn't take me seriously, as I have stopped and started so many times. He doesn't use computers, (doesn't know how) or text - not ever!! Not one single text, he only rings if he puts credit on, but would usually just ring me so I called him back as I'm on a contract (but wouldn't use my minutes for anyone except him!!) So contact was either in person or 10 minutes talk a day - cheapo man hey? I accused him of using me so many times, only wanting one thing (he said I was nasty for saying that) and I did threaten to tell his wife but when I didn't, he knew I wouldn't. I am trying not to escalate things, but mostly my pushing away was pleading more than anything, now I look back. The only way is to move (if he doesn't follow through his claim that he'll find me) or to totally try and ignore him, but come summer I need to garden, so hopefully by then I'll be much stronger. He persued me for a year before my mum died, so around 2 years in total this man has been around me. If he doesn't stop, I think it will have to be the police or his employer, a threat at first, and then I know I will and can go through wtih my threat this time. So the ball will be in his court if I threaten it. Didn't want to turn nasty but don't want to continue as I have either. Hard to believe he was so nice at the start. Link to post Share on other sites
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