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The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 4th January 2013, 10:01 AM   #1
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Loss for words

Well where to start...

I've been a single father of a 11yr old daughter for the past 7 years. I have dated however, never took a woman seriously or found one special enough until now. I ask though, before you judge, know that I never wanted this in the first place.

I met a woman I work with, same age as me, (she's also my boss) whom is married. She started flirting with me the second I met her. While she did appeal to my eyes, I saw the ring, and immediately asked her how long she's been married mainly because, I wanted her to know I knew she was married (12 years). Later that week she came into work looking like a wreck and she confided in me and told me he didn't come home the night before and that when he did come home he made threats of leaving. She stated that in the 12 years, he started having affairs on her 6 months into the relationship while she was pregnant. She said he did it again a few years later. Me being my caring self asked if he ill treats her and if he does, is it in front of the children. Her response was yes.

After that day, she continued on flirting with me and I began to flirt back. Later on that week I asked her out for drinks after work. During our conversation that night she expressed how she feels trapped and wishes he would just leave. He's even told her to go out and have an affair of her own which I know is a trap. It's a easy way for him to get out free and clear.

Months go by and the holiday's start approaching. We continue our little whatever it's called but, I never made a move. Mainly due to moral issues. A few days after Christmas a close friend my family committed suicide. He was like a grandfather to my daughter and played an important role in gaining custody of my daughter. Long story short, I was in the military, Horrible ex-wife found abusing our daughter. I had 9 months left, 8 years in, and 1 more deployment to Iraq left. The man was my mom's bf at the time and I had snatched my daughter up and signed over my legal rights to my mother while I was deployed. This man helped keep my daughter safe from her mother until I was able to return home.

The wake was last weekend and My mother and I decided to not tell my child yet. Because of that, I was unable to attend the funeral. Dummy me decided to get drunk instead (which isn't normal for me).

During that night I texted the woman I work with and expressed my feeling for her and how hard it was for me to not just grab her into my arms and kiss her and that I was falling for her and that she scares me. She said she was speechless, and that she's never opened herself up to anyone this much before nor felt this way before either. The next morning I sent her a text stating I was sorry for putting everything out in the open and didn't mean to add pressure to the situation. She told me not to worry about it.

Our schedules for work didn't mesh last week so we didn't work together at all. I've sent her a few texts (not many) asking her how she's been with no response. While it would be so much easier to just walk away from the whole thing for me, I can't. Unfortunately I care to much for this woman. While I feel I owe her an explanation. Not just for her but, for myself, I find myself at a loss of on how to approach it. I normally play this game a lot better, and never let a woman get close to my heart however, She is the first person to do that and as quickly as she did. It really pisses me off inside knowing I let someone in and make me vulnerable.

The feelings are there and I'm walking on unfamiliar ground atm. I can't just walk away because, for once I care for someone I find extremely special. I don't know how to approach this.
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Old 4th January 2013, 11:21 AM   #2
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Don't care for the job. It's a part time job for some extra cash. Her Husband wants her to have an affair so he can leave (as I mentioned in the initial post). Besides I spent majority of 8 years in a war zone being shot at, I think I can handle a man with a shotgun. Don't know why you think damsel in distress part. She is financially stuck with him atm and can't afford to leave.

Last edited by richf; 4th January 2013 at 11:23 AM..
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Old 4th January 2013, 11:25 AM   #3
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Hiya

I felt i had to reply (i had a fling with a co worker too, and he too has become a very special part of my life that i cannot walk away from)

It seems this woman has decided to keep her distance for a little while, its as if maybe she doesn't know how to deal with what you have told her. You are a threat to her marraige in a sense and maybe deep down she doesn't want to loose that. I understand how hard it must be as my co worker also withdrew from me (we still work together) and i had no explaination, he just stopped contacting me. Only difference with my guy is hes not married he could leave when he wanted to, but i know now he isn't going to but i too feel like you, i try so hard to walk away, then he will text me and bang i'm right back where I started. It's very hard. and its not as easy as people expect it to be.

I think for now though, as much as you are hurting, you are giong to have to grant this woman the space she has obviously requested, and probably re-evalauate your own feelings and look after yourself during this period. I know its really hard not to think about anything else but them, and wonder if they are okay, but don't contact her, she knows how to find you if she so wishes to.

Just try and think what you are also getting out of this. I know my OM is no good for me, and in the long term, i am getting nothing but a lot of upset. but like you, i care too much about him to just let him walk out of my life. I am in a bit of a mixed place at the moment - should i , shouldn't i walk, its really hard, so i can sympthathise with you.

Good luck in whatever you decide
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Old 4th January 2013, 11:27 AM   #4
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rich...you're playing with fire bro, and most of the time these relationships never last. Back out now before it is too late.
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Old 4th January 2013, 11:31 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by richf View Post
Don't care for the job. It's a part time job for some extra cash. Her Husband wants her to have an affair so he can leave (as I mentioned in the initial post). Besides I spent majority of 8 years in a war zone being shot at, I think I can handle a man with a shotgun. Don't know why you think damsel in distress part. She is financially stuck with him atm and can't afford to leave.
If people want to divorce, they do so. They don't need an excuse like that. Sorry but your MW boss is exaggerating truths and probably omitting a lot of information to suit her in the best possible light when it comes to what she's told you about her husband and marriage. Many cheaters do this..They re-write their marital history so they can justify what they are doing.

The money thing also is an excuse.

Anyway, this is trouble and even more so because she is your boss. You say you don't care much for the job, it's part time anyway, so why not quit? Her job COULD be on the line. A boss having an affair with an employee is a huge mistake and could ruin her reputation and actual job.

This woman IS married and you need to back off, even though she's thrown herself at you and opened the door. Don't help her cheat on her husband, let alone do this to yourself. Chances are quite high that you're gonna fall for her deeply and she won't ever leave her husband..

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 4th January 2013 at 11:34 AM..
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Old 4th January 2013, 11:37 AM   #6
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Missy,

Thank you and I am glad someone understands. I wish you the best

Whichway,

I see your blunt point and as Missy said I can't just walk away. It already consumes my every thought. She's the last thing I think about at night and the first thing when I wake up.


I have to go in today to look at the schedule and she will be there. so it will be awkward and I don't know how to react if I run into her...

Last edited by richf; 4th January 2013 at 11:44 AM..
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Old 4th January 2013, 12:18 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by LadyGrey View Post
Something that every ow/om ought to ask themselves when the ap paints themselves as a victim of the BS is.......what is wrong with them that they stay if they truly are a victim. Because to remain a victim means that person is broken, something is deeply wrong and do you really want to get involved with someone who has such deep issues?

I've been a victim many times in my life, but I became a survivor very fast, which means I did not stay and allow myself to continue being the victim when I realized I was. Had I stayed and offered up bs excuses, then it would have became my fault, for being an idiot, for not leaving. In summary, people who allow themselves to remain a victim........are going to make you everything you don't want to be.

Dude.........you better run.

I can't!!!....gah FML. Sad thing is you are so right.
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Old 4th January 2013, 1:01 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by richf View Post
Don't care for the job. It's a part time job for some extra cash. Her Husband wants her to have an affair so he can leave (as I mentioned in the initial post). Besides I spent majority of 8 years in a war zone being shot at, I think I can handle a man with a shotgun. Don't know why you think damsel in distress part. She is financially stuck with him atm and can't afford to leave.
So she wants to leave but cannot as she is dependent on him financially.

Her H ALSO wants out - but instead of filing for D encourages her to cheat so he can then file.

So two people want the M to end yet they are still M.

I'd call her H just to double check - and maybe you all can work out a scenario where she can leave and go straight to you. I mean, if he WANTS her to cheat and leave it shouldn't be a problem right?
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Old 4th January 2013, 1:11 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by jwi71 View Post
So she wants to leave but cannot as she is dependent on him financially.

Her H ALSO wants out - but instead of filing for D encourages her to cheat so he can then file.

So two people want the M to end yet they are still M.

I'd call her H just to double check - and maybe you all can work out a scenario where she can leave and go straight to you. I mean, if he WANTS her to cheat and leave it shouldn't be a problem right?
That's a very good point....
Sometimes, when something seems to be too good to be true - it's often not true.

Putting her on the spot, and getting an opinion from her H would certainly clarify a few things, wouldn't it?
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Old 4th January 2013, 7:51 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by TaraMaiden View Post
That's a very good point....
Sometimes, when something seems to be too good to be true - it's often not true.

Putting her on the spot, and getting an opinion from her H would certainly clarify a few things, wouldn't it?
Ya,that would be great however, reality says this (as I picture it)

Me: Hey I don't want just sex with your wife I want to take her off your hands....

Him: Cool, thanks for the easy way out...

Your Honor my wife cheated on me, I'm emotionally distraught

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 5th January 2013 at 10:27 AM..
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Old 5th January 2013, 12:32 PM   #11
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why did a moderator delete the rest of my post. They also edited my post..

I Added my email address. here is what the mod deleted...

Ya,that would be great however, reality says this (as I picture it)

Me: Hey I don't want just sex with your wife I want to take her off your hands....

Him: Cool, thanks for the easy way out...

Your Honor my wife cheated on me, I'm emotionally distraught... <redacted>


I'm going with Missy since she has actually read and understands my situation. Since I do love her, and put an enormous amount of pressure on her I am going NC. until she is ready to talk. I saw the schedule for next week without seeing her and I'm off until Friday. She does need time to absorb what was said and I need time to regain my composure. so it works for now. I willl however, keep you all posted


Tell me, this was offensive enough to delete?


Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 5th January 2013 at 2:12 PM.. Reason: Left something out
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Old 5th January 2013, 2:11 PM   #12
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Tell me, this was offensive enough to delete?
Both the posting of your e-mail address and calling fellow members idiots are violations of guidelines, as is discussion of moderation. One more utterance from you and you're gone. Take that as fact.

Now, back to the *topic*.
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Old 5th January 2013, 7:27 PM   #13
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I can file complaints where?
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Old 5th January 2013, 7:38 PM   #14
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I can file complaints where?
From memory you click the "Alert Us" button and you get a dialogue box where you can "complain". As far as I know this allows complaints about posts, posters and the mods themselves.

By the way it's fairly common for WSs to have a litany of complaints about their spouse. Most of these will be slanted to somehow "justify" their own cheating and quite a few go as far as to falsely suggest that their own BS either deserves or condones an affair or will turn a blind eye to it. 99.9% of the time this is absolute rubbish (as it was when my spouse did it). I think the idea is that it will invoke the "rescuer" in potential affair partners. These people usually have an equally lengthy list of reasons why they won't actually leave their spouse.

Last edited by SidLyon; 5th January 2013 at 7:46 PM..
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Old 6th January 2013, 4:38 AM   #15
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I can file complaints where?
The Community Guidelines are there for reasons, and aren't designed to ruin your contribution or waylay your interaction with people. They're actually there to protect....

I will be the first to admit that I don't always toe the line, and get rapped on the knuckles as a result.
Trust me when I tell you - you'll have a much better time here, if you just accept that action was taken as needed, and not harbour resentment, animosity or revenge, because it's all self-defeating, on so many levels.

You were moderated.
Friend: Suck it up, and move on.
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