LBS here don't shoot

[G8trgirl]

I had typed a long post but it disappeared so I will try this again. I have lurked here alot on LS and finally got brave enough to post. Not really sure what I am looking for but here goes.

 

H and I have been married for 15 years with 6 children. Long story short in 2005 he left us for ow that he met at work. About 6 months into that situation he started flirting with me and we had sex. He never filed and I was stupid and in love. This continued for another 6 months before he came home. He said she wasn't what he thought and she had no motivation drank all the time blah blah blah. You know the crap h's say. Well he was home less than a year and left again for another woman at his new place of work. I had just found out I was pregnant and he was gone for over a year. Same stuff he blamed her for being a loser and also of course had to throw in how much he loved and missed his family. So of course dumb wife I am fell for it again. Same story repeats not 6 months later with a woman 20 years older he met at a business conference Nd moved to another state to be with her for 6-7 months. Same blame game crap and home again he comes. Yes you guys should flog me for being stupid.

 

We move 1800 miles away to start over and you guessed it. He left this past may for a 25 year old that he worked with. They both got fired. My h is 39. This woman was married and has 2 children her h found out in mid July and she went back to him and I took him back bc I really needed the financial help and well yes I am an idiot and I believe codependency is involved. Ya think? Well I did tell him he should find his own place date me and let's start over. 2 days after that he is back with her. This was August 21. He moved in with her October 1st. She filed for divorce in August. He hasn't and said he won't but tells her he will when he gets the money. She called me once and told me that this wasnt serious to her just fun and that he would have to find his own place bc she was going to be on her own with her kids and get her life together. Her friends told me he said he couldn't afford to keep staying in the hotel he was staying in so he talked her into it. It's a 2 bedroom and small. She said he can have a his kids over bc it's too crowded.

 

I know this is wrong of me but even as of last week we were having sex when he came to see the kids. Yes cake eating at its finest. Beat me over the head now. I don't r talk with him but he does say he is sorry but he loves her and there is no stress there and she is easy going good communication never a fight all that good stuff.

 

 

This is the same stuff I have heard about every single ow he has had. Also the I hate you wife and never loved u. U ruined my life heard it all.

 

I will not take him back but I would like to see he kick his using butt the curb she found a text from him to me on his phone about our last hook up and told him well she is still your wife I can't get mad. What????

 

Does he not realize he is messing with yet another woman and her kids? I hope I get the chance to tell him to kick rocks. And I hope she realizes she is better and tells him the same thing.

 

I would like to post here and you guys keep me in line.

[TigerCub]

ooooh, he's cheating on his OW with his wife!! what a badass!!

 

I feel sorry for your kids.

[veryhappy]

What are you looking for by posting here rather than on the infidelity forum?

 

The problem is your H. The harem of OW are just a sad consequence to his ways. He decided to have some sort of crisis at 32 with 6 kids. 6 kids!!! and you enabled him. You needed to divorce him when he left for the second OW. How many chances does one deserve? How many soul mates does one find year after year?

 

I'd say stop having sex with him. Aren't your kids (7 now?) absolutely confused about what the hell daddy is doing?

 

I don't believe in fresh starts and your story confirms that. Your H stayed the same even when you moved 1800 miles away. He won't solve or decide anything. He'll go back and forth like this as long as you allow him.

Edited November 22, 2012 by cutedragon

[G8trgirl]

I posted here in this forum bc I thought I wouldn't get the "it's the evil ow she will disappear when reality hits and you can step right into your mess again". I don't want to step in my mess again. We do have 6 children that I am starting to see how it's affected them. I was making the mistake of trying to hold my family together no matter what. That he just needed help and he was hurting bc his mother left him as a child. Whatever kind of excuse I could give myself.

 

From an ow's pov though how do you see a man like this? How do you ignore his past actions? Like I said she knows but is convinced she is the one to change him. Yes I know I should have left a long time ago believe me I take 90 percent of the blame for the hurt I feel bc I had the power to stop it but didn't.

 

 

What did you mean by h cheating on ow with w that he is a badass? I wasn't meaning anything terrible by that I was just sayin they are living together an her response is well she is still your wife?

 

I know I put up with it but we had a marriage and kids. Why does she? No kids with him and she is 25 to his 39?

 

I have hired the lawyer 2500 retainer I can't really afford. But he will never do it if I waited and made it his problem.

 

Sorry to jump on ya'lls forum just wanted a truthful honest view

 

Thanks and I hope you will post more.

[TigerCub]

I posted here in this forum bc I thought I wouldn't get the "it's the evil ow she will disappear when reality hits and you can step right into your mess again". I don't want to step in my mess again. We do have 6 children that I am starting to see how it's affected them. I was making the mistake of trying to hold my family together no matter what. That he just needed help and he was hurting bc his mother left him as a child. Whatever kind of excuse I could give myself.

 

From an ow's pov though how do you see a man like this? How do you ignore his past actions? Like I said she knows but is convinced she is the one to change him. Yes I know I should have left a long time ago believe me I take 90 percent of the blame for the hurt I feel bc I had the power to stop it but didn't.

 

 

What did you mean by h cheating on ow with w that he is a badass? I wasn't meaning anything terrible by that I was just sayin they are living together an her response is well she is still your wife?

 

I know I put up with it but we had a marriage and kids. Why does she? No kids with him and she is 25 to his 39?

 

I have hired the lawyer 2500 retainer I can't really afford. But he will never do it if I waited and made it his problem.

 

Sorry to jump on ya'lls forum just wanted a truthful honest view

 

Thanks and I hope you will post more.

 

That part in bold contradicts what she told you

"She called me once and told me that this wasnt serious to her just fun and that he would have to find his own place bc she was going to be on her own with her kids and get her life together"

 

It doesn't sound like she wants to change him, fix him or do anything with him but waste time and fool around.

 

But honestly, you shouldn't worry so much about what the OW wants or thinks or whatever - concentrate on you and why you've been such a doormat with him and why you were willing to put being with him above what was truly best for your kids?

 

I'm glad that you're finally seeing that he's no good and that hopefully you'll be working on divorcing him and concentrating on what's best for you and your kids.

 

When I made my comment about him being a badass - I was being sarcastic, because he truly is lame and idiotic and quite pathetic.

He cheats on you, then when he's free to be with his OW, he cheats on her with you, then back and forth with the same nonsense - nothing changes except his OW, its just so lame. He's a loser!

[G8trgirl]

Thanks TigerCub for the post. Trust me I am in IC now working on the issues that caused me to think so low of myself. I can look back now and see what a dumb ass I was and just go from here.

 

I didn't really see that ow had contradicted herself till you pointed it out. But why move him in if she is looking for just a good time. You know what you are right that doesn't need to be my concern anymore. I just really want this to blow up on him and be able to finally say kick rock bitch to him. Sounds mean but hey. He deserves it.

 

Thanks again

[veryhappy]

I doubt anyone will jump on you here. I'm really sorry you have been going through all this. It's a nightmare and you are dealing with an arrogant serial cheater. It's very normal that you tried to hold on to your family, but looking back do you think it would all have been better if you had divorced several years ago?

 

The other women in your story are not important. Your H is likely a charmer, doesn't look bad and has his own target of women who fall for him. It's not about the OW when he does this over and over again. It's about him. Your marriage is also about you and him. He won't change. Are you going to change anything or stay there to meet his next 5 girlfriends?

 

You trying to understand the OW is very understandable. OW spend a lot of time thinking of the BW. That's one of the signs that things are completely messed up. He's the common thread and he is playing both sides. A divorce might be financially draining for you, but he doesn't sound responsible and could get you in bigger troubles, including debt. Cut your losses.

[G8trgirl]

You too are dead on cute dragon. Friday a week ago I paid my 2400 retainer and am starting the process. It's time I took charge and you are so right I should have left long ago. But I didn't have the strength I do now. You are right he is a charmer and decent looking. But that only lasts so long. I don't believe all his ow were crazy loons like he said. I think they kicked him to the curb when they discovered the real him.

 

 

Thanks so much

This is helping me with the strength I need.

[veryhappy]

You also need to understand that a serial cheater is probably lying through his teeth. So every OW of his will get a story about how she's the first OW, his best friend, his soul mate. He probably tells her what he tells you about them, that you lack ambition and whatever. Trust me, the web he's been working on with them paints you in an unflattering light, makes him the little boy in need to be rescued and when they probably get a hint that things are not exactly like that he comes back to you. He's likely very manipulative.

 

I hope you find the strength to get divorced. It can take years (I'm in the same place, not leaving a M I want to leave).

 

There's this false war between wives and other women. In your case, your H is no prize for either side. He's dead weight. You needed a partner for the 6 kids. He's so irresponsible it's infuriating. He failed you and your M really, really badly.

Edited November 22, 2012 by cutedragon

[TigerCub]

Thanks TigerCub for the post. Trust me I am in IC now working on the issues that caused me to think so low of myself. I can look back now and see what a dumb ass I was and just go from here.

 

I didn't really see that ow had contradicted herself till you pointed it out. But why move him in if she is looking for just a good time. You know what you are right that doesn't need to be my concern anymore. I just really want this to blow up on him and be able to finally say kick rock bitch to him. Sounds mean but hey. He deserves it.

 

Thanks again

 

I'm super glad that you're in IC. I have high hopes that it will help you! You already seem to be on the right track by saying that you've had enough of this and you want something better for you and your kids!

 

"kick rock bitch" haha that did make me laugh, and I don't blame you for wanting to say that and so much more when he crashes and burns!

 

It doesn't hurt to want that, but its so much more important to concentrate on your healing.

 

As for why the OW moved him in? I honestly don't know. But your H seems like quite the manipulator and maybe she thought "Hey! we have fun together and he can watch my kids when I'm out, that's convenient.."

 

Or maybe she actually fell in love with him?

 

We'll never really know and hopefully soon enough he wont be your problem anymore and although I'm sure your questions wont quiet down in your head for a while, I hope that as you move on in your life, their importance will wane until everything about his intentions and his motivation becomes irrelevant.

 

Good luck to you

[G8trgirl]

Oh yeah is very much the master manipulator. That's why I could never find myself to hate or dislike the ow. Bc he fooled them as much as me with his slick talk. He have then hopes then turned into the ass he is breaking their hearts also. When he came back for a month from the one he is seeing now he told me all about her drinking constantly, her stretch marks that he called nasty and of course he had to say I told he my wife had 6 kids and no stretch marks. How cruel is that? He told me about an affair she had with her h best friend that lives with them and that she got pregnant and had an abortion. Who says this stuff about someone they say is their soulmate. Why embarass her like that? But moving on that just shows what kind of idiot I am dealing with. Oh yeah he told her I was lazy I run a house with 6 kids plus I am a nurse although I have been a SAHM I have kept my license up. He worked 80 hours a week in the are biz so it all fell on my shoulders. That it's never fun when we go places well it's quite the chore to drag 6 kids packed and settled for any trip. What did he expect?

 

Venting and clearing out the cobwebs.

[G8trgirl]

Doing some reading on the threads here across LS and I wonder if I am addicted to my h or stbx h? And it's pride that makes me wonder why she is better than me and why he is picking her over me when other than this feeling of oh gosh the ******* did it again I am pretty happy on my life.

 

It's just this constant fantasy movie of how perfect and cozy their life is with no fighting and everything just perfect. It keeps playing in my head.

 

That's what I need to work on stopping. Bc it doesn't matter to me. He is not my life anymore. But it would be nice to know that it isn't the fantasy land they portray. But that is for my secret satisfaction and I need to find something new to occupy my thoughts.

[2sure]

He is a serial cheater and that means his cheating has nothing at all to do with you, with the other women, with what they have to offer, or what you do not.

It's not about you or any of them.

 

Six kids. Holy smokes. I can understand your wanting to raise them with the help of a spouse . But you have no security f that as it is, divorcing will at least mean you know what to expect instead of having the rug pulled from beneath you every 6 months.

 

Divorce him. Immediately and no matter what. If you can't help yourself and he moves back in...divorce him anyway. That is a huge, huge step. It's just a piece of paper...but being divorced from him will make letting him back harder for you.

[G8trgirl]

Hockeyfan, thank you for your straightforward no bull answers. That is exactly why I came here. I need the tough love approach. I am divorcing him just paid the lawyer last Friday. I realize that the choices I have made haven't been the best for my children but I have held my head up. The weak person you may see here is not the weak person they see. Sure they have seen dad come and go several times but I thought he would change and my family would be together. Didn't work that way and I learned and am makin those changes that I need to do. No parent makes perfect choices. As far as who is supporting my children I am I am living off my savings that I stored away when I was making decent money as a real estate salesperson in Florida. I am awaiting to take my nurses exam here in Iowa as I was licensed in Florida. I am able to provide for my family. My children are much happier and we do things and go places and enjoy each other. I can really tell a difference with him gone. He won't be back in my home again. As I said earlier I am in IC and am seeing that this was a toxic codependency relationship. I can't go back only forward

 

Once again. Thanks hockeyfan

[G8trgirl]

Hockeyfan, I forgot to address this question from your post. I don't really know why I had sex with him. I know it won't happen again but honestly maybe part of it was being childish like Haha ow thinks she has him all to herself. Dumb yes I know but I am admitting it. The other part well maybe I wanted him to feel something I mean 15 years is a long time. But really when I think about it why would I want him to feel anything towards me so he can think he has his safety net. Again me being dumb.

 

2sure, I have read these boards and others for awhile and have gotten stronger in IC. I am ready to tackle this divorce head on and get on with my life. My kids and I deserve so much more than what I have allowed. Thanks for your post

[G8trgirl]

Sorry but there will be no reconciling this time. I was posting in the ow/om forum to get their support bc it seemed they were less judging and more about helping but I see my thread has been moved I wish to thank those that helped me in the om/ ow forum. You guys were a tremendous help in letting me see things i wanted to stay blind to.

 

Thanks and I will post more as things progress