emily_m Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 I met a guy, we’re so amaaaazingly attracted to each other in every way – the chemistry’s through the roof……BUT……he’s getting married in two months :-( I’m single – and this never happens to me. I never like anyone this much, rarely meet guys I like a lot – especially on nights out as I met this one, and I very rarely want to rip anyone’s clothes off like this. Ever! I’m actually going crazy. If he didn’t feel the same, it’d be fine – I’d be totally over the situation. But he’s crazy about me too. Yes, he’s getting married, and yes, this has to end asap, I realise that. And I realise that our feelings should be irrelevant in this situation. I don’t live in a fantasy world and I have tons of self respect, but this is such a difficult situation to be in. I’m questioning everything. And I am totally gutted. We live quite far apart luckily, and I say luckily because I don’t think we’d have been able to keep our hands off each other if we could get to each other any quicker. Disaster. I’m a nice person, I’m intelligent, I certainly don’t look to be situations like this…..but in my 27 years I can confidently say that this kind of attraction and chemistry is rare. VERY rare. We are texting constantly and talking on the phone at the moment, and each day I am putting off ending it. I actually dread having to end it knowing that that’ll be it. But I know I have to. I know very little about his relationship, apart from the fact that it’s 7 years long. The chemistry between us is so strong that the fact he is cheating doesn’t make me hate him. But I do wonder how the hell a guy can become so involved with another woman when he should be totally involved and in love with his fiancée. Maybe the 7 year itch is taking its toll – and I’m obviously a distraction. Either way, I’ve been thrown into a completely crazy little bubble that I need to get out of. But my willpower seems to have deserted me………………… It's funny reading one of my previous threads about how to feel sexy again....I now totally realise that if I am to start dating again, I need to find a (single) guy who I am absolutely crazily attracted to. At least that's one positive to come out of this I guess - he's reminded me just how amazing it can be. Horrible situation. Emily x
whichwayisup Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 This will end when you want it to end. You are feeding your feelings and attraction to him by constantly texting and talking to him daily. I don't know what else to tell you that you already have said and know. I guess it's your strength and will power if you can tell him goodbye. By keeping the door open, it'll be harder to walk away when he does get married. BTW, he is a real shi.t to do this to his fiance. Why even bother getting married? 1
2sunny Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 He's a guy who cheats... You should want more for yourself than THAT kind of guy. Why are you allowing yourself to be anyone's second choice? I don't think you value yourself as much as you say. It may be time to focus on your growth in that area... 2
Balzac Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 I'm confused about: 1. Why this has to end. 2. Why you must be the one to end it. 3. How often you see each other.
Furious Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 You probably are a nice person, but what you're getting into is not nice. Tell him to call you when he call's off the wedding. 1
Balzac Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 Sixty days to the event he's not calling it off. Contracts are complete, he'd be better off filing for divorce after the fact. Cost to him is likely less to fund the divorce. At 27 my guess is he's just starting his career. Best guess is he's been trapped in his own mind for years.
Alice2012 Posted June 27, 2012 Posted June 27, 2012 (edited) He could be married already and have a few kids . . . and may even live right in town. You probably don't even know his real age. Unless you have solid proof about his "situation," then don't believe everything you hear . . . especially out of a cheater's mouth. Edited June 28, 2012 by Alice2012
Author emily_m Posted June 28, 2012 Author Posted June 28, 2012 Wow, thank you everyone for your replies, I'll try to answer all of your questions..... First of all, I definitely don't want to be anyone's second choice, which is obviously one of the main reasons this has to end asap -before I get further into it and become more emotionally attached. Balzac, I'm not sure why you're confused about why it has to end? I need to be the one to end it as I don't want to be the 'other woman' - and if I don't end it, it's unlikely he will...especially if I allow him to have the best of both worlds. He is definitely engaged and does not have children - our friends have also kept in touch and so yes, I have seen evidence of this. LadyGrey, this is not an 'ok' situation for me, I don't enjoy the thrill or drama of sneaking around with someone else's man, and I did not expect this to happen, at all. It was pretty much instant powerful, mutual attraction (I didn’t think that was possible) - no time to assess the situation or to think 'this guy is unavailable'. He approached me and it started with us having a laugh and a flirt - I honestly don't think even he expected this to happen (for us to like each other this much). We didn't leave each other's side all night after that. We were kissing, chatting and laughing...we didn't sleep with each other, nor did we swap numbers. I couldn't stop thinking about him the next day, but I was obviously pleased we hadn't swapped numbers and impressed that we had managed to walk away and do the right thing. However, because our friends kept in touch, he got hold of mine pretty easily. Yes, I shouldn't have responded, but I did. And again, after he made contact, we couldn't leave each other alone. He has said he’s never like this with anyone and thinks it's a crazy situation. This happened a few weeks ago, we have met up once and we had an amazing night. I know we can't meet up again but I've totally fallen for him. I'm posting on here for some support, and for some different opinions and advice to that of my friends - who have all been great. I'm actually a very strong-willed person believe it or not, and when guys with girlfriends have come on to me in the past, I tell them where to go in an instant. I guess that's why I'm so confused and finding this so tough –because not many guys manage to pull on my heart strings like this one.
Snakechammah Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 I believe in your chemistry. It is very rare and potent and it happens. 2 months to marriage. Gulp. 7 long years of being together. Gulp. It is a tough situation that only HE can decide. Let me put on my glasses and analyse the situation. His issue: 1. Dated her when he was younger 2. Always been the faithful type (?) - thus he stayed with her that long 3. Relationship has always been stable 4. HIGHLY likely he is NOT in love with her but continued to be in the relationship because it is stable and that's all that he knows 5. BAM! He's met the real love of his life (you!) but too bad, he's already proposed to The-Only-One-He-Knows 6. Deep in him, he doesn't really want to marry her but she's all he's got. Your Issue 1. You've never let anyone in before - always guarded 2. You finally met someone who has swept you off your feet! 3. You're single and have nothing to lose 4. You've dated other guys but you want him - because the chemistry is so intense. Hmm... The ball is in his court. He has to make a decision. Heck, this decision is his own future. If he chooses to stay and marry her - how long do you think they can last? He feels empty with her and has already started looking elsewhere for gratification. This is BEFORE the marriage. People are supposed to be MADLY in love before the wedding. After the wedding is another story. But right now, he's already one foot out the door. If he has half a brain, he would end with the girl and save BOTH their future heartache. But he can't. WHY? Because he's with her for 7 LONG YEARS and too much stuck in the mud to move. Let me guess, he's probably a Taurus. Not much you can do. You're the lucky one. You can move on easily. You're single, gorgeous and with a snap of a finger, you can replace him easily (ok maybe not with the intense chemistry like you have with him - but you can still attract other kinds of chemistry!).... I feel sorry for the fiancee. To be so excited for a wedding but not knowing that the guy doesn't feel the same way. He proposed out of familiarity, not because he loved her. If he loves her, he would never have seek you. She deserve better than this. If he were to break up with her now, it would save her a LOT of heartbreak in future. He's not content. If it's not you (should you decide to walk away) it's probably someone else in future. After all that writing, I wouldnt know what to do either. It's up to you. I would imagine it is more painful after he gets married. But promise yourself this, once he wears that wedding band, it's hands off. I'm not a moral police but you need to SAVE YOURSELF. The bum has 2 months to choose. If it's not you, move on. Ignore him. Tell him to leave you alone. You are beautiful and there is a queue waiting for your next attention. 3
WeAllMightBeNuts Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 Looks like one of three things happening to me. 1) He breaks things with his fiance and gets with you. Part of you dreams of this and thinks it will be great. Don't lie, you do. Thing about that is that he has PROVEN that he will lie and cheat whenever the opportunity presents itself. So if this occurs (he leaves her and you get with him) you have absolutely no reason to cry or complain if he lies an cheats when involved with you. Don't get on here and b!tch about it or complain to friends, family, or therapists. You already knew. 2) He stays with her, marries, and has an affair with you. Nothing good there. 3) You guys never speak again for the rest of your life. The right option. I've been in your position with the sparks between myself and another. Almost like two volatile chemicals that when brought together, something unexplainable happens. And been with attractive women with zilch. Nothing in the chemistry department. So I know it's rare and what we seek. But it's with more than one person. Find a completely single one that won't cheat. 2
Furious Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 Seems this guy is establishing a future pattern. Looks like he will be the type to dispose of whoever he is with by cheating behind his Significant Other's back to find a replacement before leaving her. This guy will not ever be alone, he is needy and a coward. If he truly does not want to marry his fiancé, he should be mature enough to tell her the truth. If he were mature he would want and need space after such a long relationship to be on his own for awhile and not immediately jump into a rebound relationship. Red Flags everywhere. 2
Flabbergaster Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 MM perspective...snakechammah hits it right on the nose here. Get distance from him, now. Immediately. Don't even think of "one last time." The last time you saw him was the goodbye, unless he decides to break it off. If he leaves and comes to you...great. If he goes through with marriage...run like hell because if you stay it will hurt more than you could ever imagine. He will not leave you alone, and you will both end up in emotional hell, where you wake up every day and pray that a truck will kill you on your way to work. If you stay with him now, he has no reason to leave her for you. He'll put the decision off...until...too late (but do you wanna come over on tuesday?). If you get distance from him...instead of wondering what to do about you he'll wonder what to do about her. If he leaves, lucky you, explore the chemistry. If he doesn't...then you shouldn't see him again EVER and lucky you, you have a memory of wonderful chemistry and you didn't get burned in a fire. 1
Balzac Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 Interesting factor of the mutual "friends". Thanks for answering my questions. I'd hope he's man enough to cancel the marriage. I believe in chemistry, have had the experience. Not telling you what to do but if he is contemplating canceling, I'd think continued communication with you is a necessary component for both. I'll get flamed here but that's my thought. 1
Flabbergaster Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 Not telling you what to do but if he is contemplating canceling, I'd think continued communication with you is a necessary component for both. I'll get flamed here but that's my thought. Sure, that makes sense. Just uh...PUBLIC PLACES and you are not touching each other. Maybe holding hands, nothing else. And make sure it's clear that you are gone if he goes through with M. Try to do this in a matter of fact way, don't be pressuring him to dump her for you. "i'm meeting you until then, so you know you have options. You can choose whatever you want. I will only meet you in public places, will not kiss or play with you because I have to respect myself. I won't see you again if you do go through with the M, out of respect to you, her, and me. Choose her and I'm happy for you. Choose single and I'll date you." Do it like this and he WILL feel the chemistry, while respecting you. 1
Furious Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 Chemistry does not mean forever, chemistry is no guarantee to anything long-lasting. Do you think that this guy didn't have great chemistry at one point with his fiancé who he is now cheating on 2 months before their wedding. How many people meet and are head over heels for each other and then months or years later it fizzles once they really get to know each other. Imagine yourself with this guy, knowing your relationship was built on him cheating on her to be with you. Would you ever really trust him, wouldn't that always be in the back of your mind. 6
writergal Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 (edited) He's cheating on his fiance. He'll cheat on you if he cancels his wedding. You barely know this guy and fell for his charmer routine hook, line and sinker. Serial cheaters like senator John Edwards and Tiger Woods come to mind. Look at the damage they caused to their wives, children and to their career with multiple women. I know you claim you don't enjoy this situation, yet you must or you would never have let yourself get involved with an engaged guy. If you're already slept with him then you've lost any chance of this being long term anyway. Perhaps he wanted a fling before his wedding. Some guys are like that and have no morals. If you are as strong willed as you claim, then why are you dragging this out rather than end it? Maybe there's a part of you that hopes he'll cancel his wedding and date you otherwise it's a common sense move to drop this guy and go find another who is actually single. Denial isn't just a river, as they say. ETA: Last summer there was a huge volleyball convention in my town. One of the bars some friends and I went to were overrun with some of the teams and the referees. Well, a small group of these referees approached my friends and I, and one of them actually handed me his business card with his hotel room number on it, which was disgusting because he was married. When he left, I asked one of the other refs if this guy does this a lot and he said that yeah, this guy is a serial cheater and tries to have one night stands in ever town they go. Needless to say I tore up the guy's business card before debating whether or not I should call the wife and tell her what her husband attempted with me, although I suspects she may already know. You're already an option to this guy and you've slept with him. Why lower yourself even more by dragging this out. Just end it and go find a guy who isn't attached. Edited June 28, 2012 by writergal 2
whichwayisup Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 He has said he’s never like this with anyone and thinks it's a crazy situation. Lust. Animalistic attraction. That isn't love, it's total sexual energy. You two have that connection but don't fool yourself into thinking it's LOVE. If he truly has fallen in love with you, he would end things and call off the wedding. Why don't you ask him about this? If he is even considering ending it to be with you? I think considering how you feel about him you have the right to speak your mind to him. If he balks, doesn't want to talk about it, fluffs it off or says he can't call off the wedding that is when YOU walk and end things. People break up all the time .. If they truly want to..so he can call off the wedding if he wants to. This might be a case of leaving one for another. That is, if he has the balls and spine to call it off or at least put it on hold so he can figure out what is best for him. What he's doing is really crappy and his future wife deserves better.
Author emily_m Posted June 28, 2012 Author Posted June 28, 2012 (edited) I enjoy HIM – not the drama. I don’t think I love him – I know it’s chemistry and lust at this stage. I would never give him an ultimatum to choose between his fiancée and I – he has given me no indication that calling off the relationship/wedding is even an option, nor am I factoring that possibility into the situation. Taking me out of the equation, I don’t think he should be getting married. I’m not sure of his true feelings for her, but he certainly cannot have that much respect for her. But once I am out of the picture, that’s for him to figure out…although I can’t ever imagine him giving up his ‘comfortable’ lifestyle and security. If he did though, I agree that he’d need time on his own and to not jump from one relationship to the next, as so many people do. I am very aware that if we ever did get together, the chemistry would ware off, reality would set in and history could repeat itself. I guess I’m just not thinking that that could ever happen…but who knows what’s round the corner in the future I think I’ll end it, wish him well, he’ll agree that we need to put a stop to it and we’ll go our separate ways. I’m only hanging on to this because I like him so much but I know I’m just prolonging the inevitable. I absolutely do not intend to still be in contact with him when he gets married. Snakechammah – what a great insight, thank you! You seem to have hit the nail right on the head. And right with the star sign too Ladygrey – You’re right, I am that woman I don’t want to be at this moment in time Writergal – A guy handed you a business card with his hotel room number on – sounds like a real catch hey! Whilst cheating is cheating however it happens, this guy did not sleazily approach me – although I agree that many do. We just so happened to get chatting to each other in our groups of friends and totally clicked. As I said, whilst he is clearly no angel, I don’t think he expected this to happen, nor has it been a one night stand. It’s absolutely crazy to imagine him standing next to his wife to be at the altar, knowing exactly what he’s done behind her back. I don’t know how people can do it to the partners they are supposed to love….male or female, it’s total madness. On a positive note, I am the single, ‘free’ one in all of this – this is the only issue I have to deal with and I don’t have a 50 year unwanted marriage looming ahead of me – or a cheating partner to contend with. But....this is so true.... Your Issue 1. You've never let anyone in before - always guarded 2. You finally met someone who has swept you off your feet! 3. You're single and have nothing to lose 4. You've dated other guys but you want him - because the chemistry is so intense. And letting go is sooooo hard Edited June 28, 2012 by emily_m
whichwayisup Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 I enjoy HIM – not the drama. I don’t think I love him – I know it’s chemistry and lust at this stage. As long as you know this, then that's good. Another angle to see this as 'ego' related. Note: how he makes you feel, addicted etc.. You miss him, but what is it that you actually miss? "HIM" as a person because he's got a good heart, been a caring friend, concerned for you, supported you, or because of how he makes you feel in and out of bed, that wild crazy sex and lust. I actually don't think it'll hurt THAT much when you end it. You already know you're not in love with him but in lust. Sometimes that line gets blurry and it's hard to tell the difference, emotions can be strong (attraction vs love).. You have insight into the future, what you want and don't want so that is good. 1
alexandria35 Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 Speaking of chemistry, that alone is not the stuff you can trust, especially when you have obvious reasons that already prove to you that he has character issues, (he is cheating on his fiance). I've found that chemistry is sometimes the unhealthy part of us reacting to the unhealthy part of them and sometimes the stronger the chemistry the bigger the warning needs to be. Too much weight is given to chemistry and how valuable it is and most fail to understand that it can be and should be a reason to back up and think. I couldn't agree more. Chemistry does not lead to healthy longterm relationships and I agree that it often comes from the broken part of one person connecting with the broken part of another person. Chemistry is something we should be wary of, not something that makes us throw caution to the wind. I've seen too many people who let chemistry lead them down the path of pain and heartache. 2
stillafool Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 (edited) It was pretty much instant powerful, mutual attraction (I didn’t think that was possible) - no time to assess the situation or to think 'this guy is unavailable'. He approached me and it started with us having a laugh and a flirt - I honestly don't think even he expected this to happen (for us to like each other this much). We didn't leave each other's side all night after that. We were kissing, chatting and laughing...we didn't sleep with each other, nor did we swap numbers. At what point during the night did he tell you he was engaged? If it was before the kissing part, you had plenty of time to assess the situation. You seem pretty intelligent to me. Once he said he was engaged and you knew you had feelings for him you should have walked away. You could have told him when he called you that you do not date engaged men and if he ever becomes single again, then call you. How do you know he isn't just using you as his "last fling" before his wedding? It is better to establish boundaries now because in life you may run into a MM that you "click" with and then what will you do??? Edited June 28, 2012 by stillafool 3
frozensprouts Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 Op i know this may sound harsh, and please forgive me for that. While I can understand that you feel this "connection" with him, you most certainly had/have control over your actions and what you decided to do about it. You made the choice to "feed the beast" because you wanted to. It wasn't an accident over which you had no control. You could have, once you found out he was engaged, ended the relationship, full stop. But you didn't. I'm not saying you are a terrible person, or that you should feel shame or that the whole situation is on you.. rather, it sounds like you may have had very poor boundaries with him, and you allowed the relationship to happen. The exact same thing could be said for him, and with him, it's even more glaring. His upcoming marriage really isn't the problem, it;s something inside him that's the problem, and unless he recognizes that and works to understand why he makes the choices he makes, nothing will change. He'll still be a guy who views cheating as an acceptable form of relationship., From my perspective, the best thing to do is to leave this guy alone. even though you may be really hurting right now, if you stay with this guy, it will only get worse and worse a,d it will be so much harder to leave. best of luck to you:) 1
Author emily_m Posted June 28, 2012 Author Posted June 28, 2012 At what point during the night did he tell you he was engaged? If it was before the kissing part, you had plenty of time to assess the situation. You seem pretty intelligent to me. Once he said he was engaged and you knew you had feelings for him you should have walked away. I could not agree more, I know I should have walked away. To explain what I meant a bit better......I didn't seek this guy out and whilst aware that he was otherwise engaged, think, 'hmmmmm he's hot, I don't care if he has a gf, I'm going to do it anyway'. So whilst I am 100% responsible for my actions and choices, I didn't go after this guy or this situation. The connection between us had kicked in before I found out. I hope that makes a bit more sense. But yes, I did have time to walk away. I do like him as a person, we get along great - that too is part of the attraction and the reason for the chemistry...it's not just in a physical sense. I kind of get what a few of you have said about chemistry not always being as genuine as it seems - but I do consider it to be an important factor in a relationship (in which both people are single). Of course it wares off and there are many other aspects of a relationship that determine its longevity, but without chemistry, I am usually without interest.
nofool4u Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 I met a guy, we’re so amaaaazingly attracted to each other in every way – the chemistry’s through the roof……BUT……he’s getting married in two months :-( So this means he's a cheating dirty dog and that alone should kill the attraction for you. He's a cheater. Next. Oh, and I know its hard to be that person, but his fiance needs to know what kind of guy he is before the poor girl ends up reciting vows with the jerk.
2sunny Posted June 28, 2012 Posted June 28, 2012 Since you don't love him - why not make room for a man that you DO/CAN love and trust completely? It's not likely to happen while he's taking up your time and energy... You could be spending time with an available man - not one that needs YOU to be kept a secret. I think his fiancé has a right to know his truth. I see him as a douche - but he's a douche that YOU keep choosing to spend time with... 1
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