Awkward situation

[magnum85]

Hi everyone,

 

I hope I'm posting this in the right section but I'm going to get straight to the point and try and keep this as brief as possible.

 

Basically I'm 26 years old and I've been spending a lot of time with a girl approaching 20. We work together at the same business. The last couple of months we have been spending pretty much every lunch break together. People have noticed resulting in rumours circulating around the office. This is to be expected and we have handled these rumours. We are just friends and we are not doing anything wrong. Not that is anyone else's business.

 

So far I guess this sounds quite straight forward? Well here is the complication... This girl has a boyfriend. They have been together for just under a year. The majority of this time he has been away at university, coming back at weekends every two weeks and also at leave times in between term.

 

To add to this situation her boyfriend has been accepted on a 12 month placement in a city 200 miles away from here. He has asked her to go with him. This has been on the cards for the last few months also. I knew the situation when we first started hanging out that this maybe the case and that she could quite possibly be moving away in the next few months.

 

To begin with, my intentions were to be nothing more than friends. But over time my feelings for her have grown. I know people will probably say I should not have allowed this to happen. But I never planned for this. I have never gone out my way to steal someone's girl.

 

Anyway, I've not yet said anything to her about how I feel. My idea was just enjoy the time and laughs we have together. But even now, she is still completely unsure about whether she wants to move away with her boyfriend. At first, I had the impression they were very happy together, which over time made me think I should not tell her how i feel. But the last couple of weeks she has told me she is not as happy as she seems with him. I've tried to keep out of it as I don't want to be seen as coming between them but just this weekend they broke up for a short period of time. She told me that she has given him too many chances to change. He sounds like he has a short temper and when he gets angry, although not physically aggressive to her he can be verbally aggressive.

 

24 hours later, they are now back together. She has told him he is on his last chance. They are going to "talk" tonight about their future. I'm expecting him to tell her how he will change etc etc and that she should move away with him. I have no doubt that of she moved away with him it will all end in tears as its a lot to give up at 19. Your friends, family, comfort zone etc for someone at the best of times. Especially for someone who you can have problems with. But again, I have not said to her I think this. Not as directly anyway.

 

To finish this post off, I'm looking for advice on what people think I should do here. After tomorrow she is on vacation for two weeks. I want to spend these next weeks thinking about this situation and whether or not I should tell her how I feel. My take on it originally was let her decide her own course. If she moved away then it wasn't to be. I didn't want to tell her how I felt as he has a boyfriend who I thought she was 100% happy with. If she didn't move away with him then they would be over and I wouldn't feel so awkward telling her how I feel. But now things feel different. I don't believe she is as happy as I first thought. She is unsure of her future. Should I tell her how I feel? I know sometimes people can mistake friendship for romance, I maybe reading the signs wrong. However, I don't feel we have known each other long enough to be firmly in the "friend" category. I have had female friends in the past but this friendship seems to have a different chemistry. We talk all of the time outside of work. Probably more than just friends would do normally.

 

I know I'm risking that friendship by telling her how I feel. I may risk losing her respect too due to the fact she has a boyfriend. But at the same time I don't want to just let her move away out of my life and then wonder "what if?"

 

I would not pressure her to make a decision etc if I did tell her. I would simply say my piece and then allow her time to think about what I've said and realise that she has another option. Then it's up to her what direction she goes?

 

Thanks for spending the time reading this post. Any thoughts or advice will be much appreciated!

 

Thanks

[skywriter]

magnum,

 

Hi, I'm gonna say to you what I would say to my 26 yr old son.

 

LOL! (....and he would probably do what he wanted to anyway!)

 

In my opinion, you need to let her relationship with her boyfriend take it's course.

 

Also, if you reread your OP, as you said, you really don't know if your feelings would be recipricated.

 

Mostly though at the end of the day, she has to be done with this other guy in her own mind first and foremost. If you manipulate the situation, you'll start a relationship, wondering if she was ever truly done with him and that will cause it's own complications.

[BetrayedH]

Right now you are flirting with disaster. Before you know it, you can find yourself sleeping with someone else's girl and you'll be back saying you never meant for it to happen. That's how it always happens. If you want to see how bad it can get, do some reading here and on the infidelity forum. The boyfriend is in a normalized relationship where arguments do happen. You have no drama with her, of course, because you're just showing each other your best side. Give it a few years and you'll have your own arguments about leaving the dishes in the sink and other such trivial stuff. The point is that he cannot compete with you right now because he trusts her and doesn't know he's competing. If you get involved, you'll probably "win" and be the real reason behind their demise. Or you'll be the other man while she decides. Or worse.

 

On the other hand, if you reestablish firm boundaries for yourself, your worst case is to wonder "what if?" Honestly, big deal.

 

If you back off, she dumps him, stays, and then comes after you - that's a whole different story. That's integrity. Just about any other scenario plays out with someone compromising their integrity and hurting someone. Not a great way to start a relationship. Do the right thing. You know what it is.

Edited May 25, 2012 by BetrayedH

[pteromom]

I think you should tell her how you feel.

 

I know I'm risking that friendship by telling her how I feel. I may risk losing her respect too due to the fact she has a boyfriend. But at the same time I don't want to just let her move away out of my life and then wonder "what if?"

 

I would not pressure her to make a decision etc if I did tell her. I would simply say my piece and then allow her time to think about what I've said and realise that she has another option. Then it's up to her what direction she goes?

 

This is perfect. Just say what's in your heart. You won't lose her respect - you are just sharing your feelings.

 

If you suspect she may feel the same way, she deserves to have all the information to make an informed decision...

[magnum85]

Hi,

 

Firstly thanks for the replies to this post. I have read each reply and taken each into consideration along with my own thoughts on this.

 

Right, since my OP I have given each option a thought and weighed up the possible benefits and repercussions.

 

To keep it very brief, the girl I explained about has handed her notice in at work. She needs to work one month of notice, after which she moves away from here two days later. This has played a big part in my decision on whether or not to be open and honest about my feelings for her.

 

Her decision to move has come down to the fact she is going to give her boyfriend "one more chance" and believes that of they move away together for a year in a new area it could "sort out" their problems. In my opinion this is a risk on her part, she does not know anyone where she is moving to and is a girl who likes to be in her comfort zone. However, I have not being negative to her about relocating. It's her life and her decision.

 

To this point I have not told her how I feel about her. I have remained the guy who makes her laugh, always in a good mood on the outside. I have admitted to her I will miss her but she probably believes in a purely platonic way.

 

My intention is not to tell her how I feel. I have pretty much taken the approach that if we were to get together it would happen naturally. The fact she has decided to move to me tells me that we are not meant to happen. Sure, she doesn't know how i feel. She may think "if he was interested he would tell me". But for me it is too much of a risk to take. We have built up a good friendship. She has already said she wants to keep in touch and meet up with me the whenever she is back in the area these next 12 months. I don't want to ruin that, I would rather remain friends than nothing. Because to me that's more important than anything else.

 

I just felt I risk losing a lot of respect from her if I was to tell her, under the present circumstances. I know some people say of you don't ask you don't get, I would say that if i feel strongly enough about her want to break up her relationship then i should feel strongly enough to let her go an put her happiness before my feelings.

 

I have also considered the fact that as she is only 19, her feelings and emotions will fluctuate a lot more than someone of my age. The last thing I want is to be in a situation where one minute she wants to stay with me then the next minute she blames me for holding her back etc. to me even if we got together, at the present moment the situation is something that could be thrown at me should things ever turn sour.

 

If for whatever reason things didn't work out or her and she came back single then I would review it then. I am certainly no ones door mat and won't wait around for something that would never happen. But at the same time I wouldn't ever rule out anything in the future. Had we just been friends with no other person involved, I would have told her no question. But to me, putting her on the spot after handing her notice in, knowing she has a boyfriend is unnacceptable. I will just contain my feelings and move on.

 

If anyone thinks I'm going about this the wrong way, or of you believe I could liven to regret it not telling her then please say. But I believe this is the right approach.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Magnum