LisaT Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 Hi all, Am a first time poster, although I've been reading the forum for a while and got quite a bit of support from it. I guess I'm looking for a bit of advice (or maybe a reality check?!) I'll give a brief(ish) history: I became close friends with a MM about 18 months ago, but before I knew what was happening we got closer and started an EA. I didn't really know that that's what it was until a few months in, and the guilt was eating away at me. I put a halt to things then, as I felt terrible, and knew things would only end badly if we didn't stop seeing each other. We lasted a few weeks without much contact, but it was so painful as I missed him so much. We both kind of crumbled at the same time, and resumed seeing each other. at this point, I realized I had fallen completely in love with him. I broke things off with my fiance, not to be with MM, but the EA made me take stock of my relationship and I know that it was the right thing to do whatever happens. the last couple of months have been really hard; we have since shared one drunken kiss which I deeply regret (although I know an EA is a terrible thing, it felt like crossing a line). MM has told me that he wants to leave and be with me as he loves me and (cue eye-rolling and calls of "gullible fool"!) I believe what he says. however I've been pushing for him to stay. obviously I want to be with him, but he would essentially be leaving because of me, and I don't know how to live with the guilt. Their marriage wasn't an unhappy one; he just realized that he wasn't actually in love with her. He has told his wife about me and the EA, and that he wants to leave, but she wants to work on things. I have been trying to keep my distance and give it time to see if the M can be fixed. I guess I just want a bit of advice if anyones been in this situation: he wants to leave and be with me, although I think he would still leave if I walked away. Should I just steer well clear until I can trust that he's absolutely sure? or until he's out the door? It's hard, because he's also my best friend and I want to be there for him when I know he's hurting. And is the guilt something you can ever get past? I know I can trust him (although some of you will think me foolish) but we both hate what we've done, I don't know how to get over that... Sorry for the essay!
wellwhynot Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 If he's looking to leave either way and it is confusing or upsetting or painful to you for you to be involved in his decision then step back, let him make that move and then come to you after. Then you will know that he left for him. I understand about him being your best friend, I am involved with my best friend. I don't think you are a gullible fool either for believing him when he says he loves you or for trusting him. I don't understand why you would push him to stay if he says he would leave with or without you. That doesn't make much sense to me, if you love and care about him, you will want him to do what's right for him no matter where you fall in the picture and if he isn't happy then leaving sounds like the appropriate solution. Good luck to you!
Silly_Girl Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 I don't think there's a stock answer to your predicament. I have read some similar scenarios. In your case, reading your post, I do think it would be better for you to back away. You are aware of the various guilt/responsibility facets, and would prefer him to leave because the marriage is wrong, not because you and he are right, and I appreciate that. He appears to be clear on what he wants to do and I think that is a good thing. And him leaving doesn't mean you two are obligated to have a relationship immediately, or at all even. I know that sounds odd, but it's good to keep an open mind in this situation.
sad puppy Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 My xMM left the marriage exactly at the 18 month mark. And, yep, it had been based on an ultimatum from me. It's time for you to tell him you love him but you're stepping away until he makes his move/decision. And you must mean it. You will get to the end of this saga sooner than later. 2
Author LisaT Posted May 20, 2012 Author Posted May 20, 2012 Unless you've spoken with the wife, then assume he's lying. If he wanted to really leave, he wouldn't stay to "work on things." You broke up with your fiancé for him (even if you try to convince yourself you didn't) and now this MM is forced to tell you what you expect and want to hear . . . he's forced to make you believe that he too is making some sort of move. But it's very likely he hasn't said a word to his wife. He's merely buying time. I have "spoken" with the wife, an unfortunate encounter it was... She made it pretty clear she's knows what's been going on! I know everyone's immediate reaction is to assume the MM is lying (after all he's a cheater, right?!) but this relationship wasn't started on lies, it was just a friendship that unfortunately ended up much more. He's been nothing but honest with me, not that you'll believe that either! Maybe I am lying to myself about my fiance, but I still believe that I didn't end it for the MM. It was because of him; I realized that there was a whole world of love and passion and companionship that I didn't have with my fiance. It's been 18 months - he's not going anywhere. Your story is textbook. Sorry, my story was a bit vague. We've been friends for 18 months, the EA only started around 6 months ago, and we only actually admitted it to each other about 3 months after that. I know everyone says if it goes on longer than a year then it ain't happening, but the idea that there's some kind of textbook that this falls into is quite frankly a load of bull Thanks Lady Grey, silly girl and sad puppy; I guess I am struggling to admit I want him, I need some time to come to terms with the idea that I could be responsible for breaking them up. I don't think I could do the ultimatum thing, not yet anyway, as we're both still coming to terms with the repercussions of all this. But I will step back from things, give us both a bit of time to work through this mess...
2sunny Posted May 20, 2012 Posted May 20, 2012 You said you had a conversation with his wife - but you didn't state if she was perfectly clear that you two are involved emotionally... Does she understand he wants to leave to be with you? Even IF he leaves - its best to step away until their divorce is FINAL! Do they have kids?
2sunny Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 When men know they are done = they leave. They end it. Mostly they stay because something keeps them there instead of leaving- or because they don't believe that leaving will be better than staying. They still get something out of staying. That's the something they don't intend to tell the one the cheat with. He stays because it provides something for him MORE than leaving the M. Sometimes it's just that staying allows HIM to be married AND cheat at the same time. He may not have THAT luxury if he leaves to be with you. 1
Ms. Red Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 Hi all, Am a first time poster, although I've been reading the forum for a while and got quite a bit of support from it. I guess I'm looking for a bit of advice (or maybe a reality check?!) I'll give a brief(ish) history: I became close friends with a MM about 18 months ago, but before I knew what was happening we got closer and started an EA. I didn't really know that that's what it was until a few months in, and the guilt was eating away at me. I put a halt to things then, as I felt terrible, and knew things would only end badly if we didn't stop seeing each other. We lasted a few weeks without much contact, but it was so painful as I missed him so much. We both kind of crumbled at the same time, and resumed seeing each other. at this point, I realized I had fallen completely in love with him. I broke things off with my fiance, not to be with MM, but the EA made me take stock of my relationship and I know that it was the right thing to do whatever happens. It sounds to me like you did the right thing for the right reason with your fiance. You could have stuck it out coz you were so wrapped up and deep in it all ready that it would be hard to break it off. Or, you didn't want to hurt him so you stayed with him etc. You did the right thing for the right reason and don't let anyone tell you different. The last couple of months have been really hard; we have since shared one drunken kiss which I deeply regret (although I know an EA is a terrible thing, it felt like crossing a line). MM has told me that he wants to leave and be with me as he loves me and (cue eye-rolling and calls of "gullible fool"!) I believe what he says. You know him better than anyone of us here so you know better than anyone of us if he is telling the truth. I believe you believe him and would never stoop to insults even if I didn't. However I've been pushing for him to stay. obviously I want to be with him, but he would essentially be leaving because of me, and I don't know how to live with the guilt. Their marriage wasn't an unhappy one; he just realized that he wasn't actually in love with her. He has told his wife about me and the EA, and that he wants to leave, but she wants to work on things. I have been trying to keep my distance and give it time to see if the M can be fixed. As long as you are in the background I don't see any progress on his part of working on the marriage. Do you know if he sincerely (in his mind) is wanting to work on the marriage or is he just bidding time to make his wife think he gave it a chance? I guess I just want a bit of advice if anyones been in this situation: he wants to leave and be with me, although I think he would still leave if I walked away. Should I just steer well clear until I can trust that he's absolutely sure? or until he's out the door? It's hard, because he's also my best friend and I want to be there for him when I know he's hurting. And is the guilt something you can ever get past? I know I can trust him (although some of you will think me foolish) but we both hate what we've done, I don't know how to get over that... Sorry for the essay! This is a difficult one. I tend to think that he needs you more now than ever to be there for him. But the price you pay with guilt is a heavy one. If you two end up together, you may never be able to get over that and it could be a splinter in the side of your relationship. Any chance you have a counselor to talk to about this? I think that may help. Someone who won't just give you typical cookie cutter feedback. Someone that won't come up with wild accusations and fabrications that make you feel worse. I wish you well.
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