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The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 17th October 2011, 5:24 PM   #1
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 36
Struggling here

Hi everyone

Day 2 of NC (well 1 text yesterday to say he'd go NC after my request to delete my number on Saturday night and one work email sending me a link, saying he hoped I'm good)

I'm just wondering if anyone has felt really hurt and alone by the NC even though they've requested it? I'm also wondering if it's normal to have an overwhelming urge to tell his wife? He's in counselling (as am I, just started) and says his therapist tells him he can only deal with one thing at a time (quitting drinking) and he's not mentally strong enough to deal with more pressure. We work together and he and his wife are close with one of our colleagues and his wife. There are all sorts of whispers and speculations going on and I feel it's unfair on me to be portrayed as the completely guilty party as he's denying everything and keeping schtum. No one knows about the physical part (on his side) though they know of 1 or 2 phone calls and a few texts. BTW I'm referring to him as xMM as nothing physical has happened since August with a kiss/hug in Sept.

This past week/weekend he's been telling me things like;
  • His wife has seen a solicitor and laid out what has been going on (don't believe that for a second, as she really doesn't know)
  • Told his wife that 'if she keeps this up' to watch out for the taxman as he too has sought legal advice and told solicitor her taxes are dodgy (lies and he admitted as much to me, calling it retaliation)
  • His wife is going through a depressive mode, which she won't admit
  • His father said his wife needed help 20yrs ago
  • Our colleague told HIS wife that xMM & I have been getting on normally in work, which she then passed to xMM wife
  • His wife has said he'd be better off with me
  • That I'm his bestest friend
  • That he's never been able to open up and share and feel so comfortable with anyone in his life
  • Pastoral care from his son (18) school have been on the phone concerned about his state of mind and marks
  • That his wife isn't 'that' stupid, she knows about 1 text and 2 phone calls in past couple of months!!
I ended up getting really angry on Saturday night (hence the delete/don't contact again) as I feel I'm dealing with enough of my own issues to keep on listening to his. Yet I feel like I've lost the person I've felt closest to in years and I actually do miss the contact! Wish I could just turn a button and slip back into friendship mode but I don't think that will ever happen, which is sad but I've already had my wits about me enough to tell him I've never been treated so poorly by someone who claims to love me in my life. I know he will never leave (unless he's kicked out) as their lifestyle is too extravagant to start over with half of that, yet that's also what we discussed during the summer and then it seemed a possibility!

Getting back to the telling his wife....I don't believe it's vindictiveness on my part (but then my judgement is out the window!) but more a feeling of why should she just be getting the odd half truth, why should her husband be able to tell someone else he loves them multiple times daily for 6/7mths and she knows nothing of this. I know it would have repercussions for me too and I'm 'not' going to 'win' him, that's not what this is about.....if my boyfriend or husband was cheating on me, I'd want to know. Expect I'm going to get grief about this (if I get any replies at all) but my head's in a bit of a mess over it all

God, what a mess!!!
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