I just want to be honest

[JaneyAmazed]

I feel like I got attacked here recently when I say what's on my mind if it has anything at all to do with xOM. It's only been 4 months. I'm still working on my marriage and I'm still moving forward. I've still maintained NC. I still have feelings for xOM sometimes and it hurts because I still grieve the loss. I can't help that, but I can help what I say and do. I'm just trying to heal. Now if I'm still like this 2 years from now, then you should worry about me! I don't dwell on xOM or pine after him. When I said my H is my prize, I was referring to what DonnaMaybe said, "Keep you eye on the prize." You can take what you want to from my posts, but I'm just being honest. I'm not going to pretend like I'm completely over xOM. I know I will be eventually. This is a long process and it helps me to post things on LS and to hear other stories. I've had a tough week and I don't always think clearly. My H got mad at me yesterday and that didn't help things. I don't even know what the future holds, but I'm heading in the right direction, not the wrong. That's all that matters now.

[ladydesigner]

I feel like I got attacked here recently when I say what's on my mind if it has anything at all to do with xOM. It's only been 4 months. I'm still working on my marriage and I'm still moving forward. I've still maintained NC. I still have feelings for xOM sometimes and it hurts because I still grieve the loss. I can't help that, but I can help what I say and do. I'm just trying to heal. Now if I'm still like this 2 years from now, then you should worry about me! I don't dwell on xOM or pine after him. When I said my H is my prize, I was referring to what DonnaMaybe said, "Keep you eye on the prize." You can take what you want to from my posts, but I'm just being honest. I'm not going to pretend like I'm completely over xOM. I know I will be eventually. This is a long process and it helps me to post things on LS and to hear other stories. I've had a tough week and I don't always think clearly. My H got mad at me yesterday and that didn't help things. I don't even know what the future holds, but I'm heading in the right direction, not the wrong. That's all that matters now.

 

Janey you know what is real in your marriage and in your life. This is just a forum of anonymous people posting THEIR OWN opinions about YOUR situation. I wouldn't take it personally;) Just my .02

 

I enjoy reading your posts and feel you are a nice, honest, and genuine person who has been very open about their situation. I think us WS could learn a lot from you.

 

Thank you for continuing to post here.

[carhill]

If you're not already there, MC is a great space to manage the emotions of recovery and reconciliation.

 

If sharing the process in this space is your path, then it is. Sometimes there are thistles along the path. Watch out for those. My compliments to your H for working through this with you, even with his difficult moments. Good luck.

[Emme]

Please don't set a time frame for when you will be free of him. As long as it takes, you come here and you post. As many times as you need to get something off your chest, you come here and you post. There are people here to support you and even if it takes forever... we won't turn our backs on you. Text leaves room for people to add there own insight which might not be that of the writers intention. There is no tonality to add to the posts feelings or emotions, sometimes not all the time. Post what ever you want to say. Happy posting!

[Snowflower]

It's okay Janey. Just keep posting here if it helps you and ignore the bashing posts.

 

By the nature of this forum, we all take a turn in the hotseat from time to time. It just depends what type of posters are on when you are posting and sometimes, something you write hits the wrong nerve with some anonymous fellow LSer.

 

You might say something that really digs at someone else here, even though you don't mean it. What you say or the position you represent in the infidelity triangle, for example, might really bother someone reading out there and they lash out-because you remind them of someone who hurt them.

 

Make sense?

[JaneyAmazed]

Thanks everyone. Gosh, I sound so defensive in that post. I replied to East in the other thread that I'm hurting, an I really am. I think I need to learn not to post when I'm in this frame of mind. I actually felt like my husband might leave me last night and it messed me up big time, and then to see xOM in traffic. I was like please LORD! Why is all this happening to me! Why? How I can I be so strong sometimes and then so damn weak sometimes. How can I be proud of my progress one day and then feel like it was all for nothing another day? I've told other people on LS not to take things personally and than I do it too! When I'm feeling strong, I don't take things personally. When I'm feeling weak, I take everything to heart. I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry if I sound like a crazy woman most of the time. Maybe I am. Snowflower, thank you for all you've said to help.

[JaneyAmazed]

On a positive note, I have an IC session tomorrow. Thank God!

[JaneyAmazed]

I feel like I got attacked here recently when I say what's on my mind if it has anything at all to do with xOM

 

Welcome to my world !! I have felt attacked in here several times..

 

I'm sorry if I falsely accused you of being a troll.

Edited May 25, 2011 by JaneyAmazed

[TMCM]

Gosh, I sound so defensive in that post.

 

You sound more like Napoleon Dynamite. Say hello to Pedro for me:lmao:

[JaneyAmazed]

You sound more like Napoleon Dynamite. Say hello to Pedro for me:lmao:

 

I know, I say "gosh" a lot around my kids and it's kind of stuck!

[JaneyAmazed]

I'm sorry if I falsely accused you of being a troll.

 

Actually, vweb, I just read more of your posts. It looks like you enjoy being attacked.

[Breezy Trousers]

I feel like I got attacked here recently when I say what's on my mind if it has anything at all to do with xOM. It's only been 4 months. I'm still working on my marriage and I'm still moving forward. I've still maintained NC. I still have feelings for xOM sometimes and it hurts because I still grieve the loss. I can't help that, but I can help what I say and do. I'm just trying to heal. Now if I'm still like this 2 years from now, then you should worry about me!

 

I hope I wasn't one of the tough ones --- very possible, because now I say things to people here I wish I heard three years ago.

 

It takes a lot of guts to come here and post.

 

Anyway, I think you're right where you should be, Janey. It's naive for anyone to think your feelings should go away after a mere 16 weeks. Hate to say it, but it takes many months - yes, sometimes up to 2 years, depending on the affair -- to work this stuff out. It's a huge learning experience, much as a health crisis is.

 

Congrats on staying in NC for four months. That's huge.

[jwi71]

I actually felt like my husband might leave me last night and it messed me up big time, and then to see xOM in traffic. I was like please LORD! Why is all this happening to me! Why?

 

What are YOU doing to recover your M?

 

Because that's all YOU can do.

 

If your H leaves, he leaves, his choice born from your choice. And what I mean by this is you can't control others. Only you. So create a M he wants. One YOU want.

 

So focus on YOU.

 

ACTIVELY work on recovering your M.

DEMONSTRATE, with NO ambiguity, to your H that you want HIM and by extension the M.

 

Its literally all YOU can do.

 

Create a M your H will want to remain in. Encourage him, by easily observable, readily observable and repeatable ACTION.

 

He will either stay. Or leave. His choice. Allow him to make it.

 

Time will tell...I hope it ends as you wish.

[jayinblue]

I don't post much, but I do read alot here. For what its worth, I'm struggling with getting over my OW too. Its been almost 3 months for me, and I struggle with it too. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't miss the other person.

 

Don't pay too much attention to the judgmental people on here. I think in honesty, most are simply trying to help and being blunt is really the only way through someone's resistance at looking at their own flaws and bad decisions.

 

Of course, there are also some very hurt people on here, and maybe part of their recovery involves "venting" at you when they're not venting at someone else.

 

Just remember its your life. No one else is in your shoes, with your experiences, with your beliefs, and all they hear is a few sentences about something that could span multiple volumes in a library if you sat down to write out everything that occurred.

 

But good luck to you. I'm hoping for good luck too.

[Silly_Girl]

Your perception that it is a "loss" to have given up your OM is what would concern me if I were your spouse.

 

I see where you're coming from, but what would you rather she say? "Yeah, he was just a hot piece of a$$, I jeopardised my marriage and broke my husband's heart for someone I barely liked. Glad to be shot of him, to be frank. Great in the sack, though....".

 

 

There were feelings. This lady loves her husband and appears to be doing her best. If she were my WS I'd want her to deal fully with her feelings (whatever they may be) toward the OM else I'd be concerned something could be suppressed and later rear its head.

[Silly_Girl]

As a matter of fact, it's probably extremely unhealthy for anyone who is post-affair and trying to save their marriage to even be posting in or reading the OM/OW forum.

 

 

Agreed.

[jayinblue]

Its funny to me that she starts a post basically looking for support and encouragement and receives a response that I'll be honest, sounds so much like the bitter venting she was talking about.

 

"Why does she choose to continue those particular feelings?" Why do you have your particular feelings? Is it so hard to believe that as human beings, when we spend time and devote affection to someone else (rightly or wrongly) that feelings will develop?

 

There are many losses in these particular situations, the loss of your former relationship with your spouse, the loss of some of your dignity and self respect, and yes, whether anyone wants to say it or not, the loss of someone who you developed feelings and an attraction for.

 

There are lots of people who seem to have affairs constantly, and its just a sex thing. There are also people who have affairs, and its a reflection of the emotional and physical support that was missing from their marriage. Sometimes its physical intimacy, sometimes its an emotional connection, sometimes its both.

 

The fact is that she has decided to work on her marriage, and make it something that can support her needs as well as those of her husband (which were obviously not being met).

 

Unless you're suggesting she should lie about these feelings to her husband, which I don't think makes sense, I am not so clear on how you can "reprogram" your feelings so that you no longer have them to me just isn't an attainable goal on such a short timeframe.

 

I think universally, we would all agree that the affair itself wasn't a particularly "positive" experience for her or her husband, but if the affair promotes the changes necessary for them to reevaluate their relationship and determine whether to proceed forward with it or separate and move on, then it will end up being a good thing in the long run, so long as they're honest with each other.

[anne1707]

Janey

 

As someone who has gone through what you are now experiencing, I can honestly say that you are perfectly reasonable for having such emotions about the ex-OM at this stage. If you felt nothing this early on I would question whether you have actually worked through your thoughts, feelings, motives etc. When you have those feelings, acknowledge that but then take some positive actions to get you through those times. In time, you will find that you no longer have those memories crashing in to your head.

 

As you may know/remember, I still work with the ex-OM. How does he make me feel now? Nothing. He is just a work colleague who I will be polite and professional with but have no personal interaction with him whatsoever. I am just not interested - he has since married someone and that did not bother me in the slightest (except maybe me feeling sorry for her ).

[carrie999]

I didn't say she should lie about it to her husband.

 

I said if I were her husband, I'd be concerned that she perceives giving up the OM as a "loss." Why does she perceive ridding herself of a scumbag OM--a totally unethical man who would deliberately have an affair with another man's wife-- to be a "loss"?

 

By any measure, it's not a "loss", it's a "gain." So why does OP perceive it as a "loss"? As long as she continues to perceive it as a "loss", then she's not really out of her affair.

 

 

 

I understand that. The question is why does she choose to continue to feel those particular feelings? If she continues to view ridding herself of the OM as a "loss" then she will never repair her marriage. Getting rid of a scumbag like that is a clear "gain," not a loss.

 

 

 

 

I disagree. Not until she is able to acknowledge that her OM was a complete scumbag who helped her to the brink of trashing her marriage--which she claims she wants to save--and that, therefore, by any reasonable measure, getting rid of him was a clear "gain," not a "loss." Until then no she is not "doing her best" IMO.

 

 

 

 

She's not dealing with her feelings. That's the exact point. Why is she choosing to feel that ridding herself of a scumbag OM is a "loss"?

 

Once she understands why she chooses to perceive her affair in that manner--as some kind of a "positive experience"-- rather than the horrible negative that it actually is and was (under the assumption that she is honestly trying to save her marriage), then no, she is most definitely NOT "dealing with her feelings."

 

Any more than a little baby which messes its diaper and doesn't know any better than to play with the mess, is "dealing with" the dirty diaper.

 

She isn't "dealing with" her feelings, she's "wallowing in them" and "indulging them."

 

There's a difference but perhaps you wouldn't know that, being a cheater yourself?

 

Exhibit A: Angry, disgruntled, and jilted lover who feels the need to hurl insults at anyone who has done similar damage to someone else. The meaning was lost after the second or third time the words "scumbag," "loss," and "gain" were used. Thankfully it helped me glaze over the dirty diaper reference.

 

Janey, I said this before, and I'll say it again: you're doing so well! It has to be incredibly hard running into xMM all over town while dealing with your husband's anger. Yes, you made a mistake, but you owned up to it, and the last thing you need is to feel like a punching bag in the forum you turn to for support in addition to feeling like a punching bag IRL. Your husband is the only one who reserves any right to be mad at you right now. Everyone here may voice their opinions about what you did (some less articulate or classy than others), but you still don't deserve to be treated poorly. Take it for what it is. Some people seek this forum out specifically to vent and rage because they don't deal with it in a constructive manner in their own lives.

[anne1707]

Why feel sorry for her? Because the best she could do is marry someone who was so low as to have an affair with you?

 

I feel sorry for her because I know how he talks about women who are built like her behind her back. I feel sorry for her because he still looks me up and down in a way he should not. I feel sorry for her because he has a history of failed relationships which according to him all ended because of the woman and not him.

[Breezy Trousers]

I feel sorry for her because I know how he talks about women who are built like her behind her back. I feel sorry for her because he still looks me up and down in a way he should not. I feel sorry for her because he has a history of failed relationships which according to him all ended because of the woman and not him.

 

I know the type.

 

Glad you got out of that.

 

I'm sure Janey will feel more detached with time.

 

For Kriss -- "it's probably extremely unhealthy for anyone who is post-affair and trying to save their marriage to even be posting in or reading the OM/OW forum" -- obviously, many of us here do not share your opinion. (And I'm not surprised Silly does. ) It's perfectly appropriate for Janey to be posting in an OW forum. The OW forum isn't just for those celebrating affairs. It's for those walking away and healing from affairs. Lurking here for a year and reading these accounts helped me stay away from a potential affair at the workplace. Only after I pulled away did I see how abusive and emotionally unstable MM was. I came back here to give back what was given to me.

[Silly_Girl]

I know the type.

 

Glad you got out of that.

 

I'm sure Janey will feel more detached with time.

 

For Kriss -- "it's probably extremely unhealthy for anyone who is post-affair and trying to save their marriage to even be posting in or reading the OM/OW forum" -- obviously, many of us here do not share your opinion. (And I'm not surprised Silly does. ) It's perfectly appropriate for Janey to be posting in an OW forum. The OW forum isn't just for those celebrating affairs. It's for those walking away and healing from affairs. Lurking here for a year and reading these accounts helped me stay away from a potential affair at the workplace. Only after I pulled away did I see how abusive and emotionally unstable MM was. I came back here to give back what was given to me.

 

I think an OW support forum is the wrong place to mourn the ending of the affair, yes. I think it should be in conjunction with the overall context and that individual counselling would be the best place.

 

Lots of OW here haven't been married, or haven't been the MW or the WS and I think there's a lot for Janey to have to process without getting caught up in all this noise.

 

However, she's not unwelcome here and I've (to my mind) shown her support, so my opinion is as well-intentioned as the next.

[anne1707]

Glad you got out of that.

 

So am I

 

 

 

This sounds like sexual harassment to me, have you reported it to your employer/retained legal counsel to make him stop? Have you notified your husband of this conduct by the OM?

 

No I have not reported it and my husband knows all about it. He is fully informed of the ex-OM's behaviour.

 

Please, no litany of excuses as to why you tolerate this disrespectful behavior. If it's noticeable enough for you to post about it, then it should be reported and something done about it.

 

I am not going to report it because it does not bother me in that way. I just find it a joke really. It shows what a squalid little man he is. If I reported it then that would give him the satisfaction that I had noticed and was bothered. He's not worth the effort. I also know how he blatantly denied some things that he did (eg specific text messages he sent around dday). He believes his own lies . It is also not worth causing that kind of conflict at work - he and I are both very senior (peers before you ask) so a public fall out at our level would cause problems throughout the business. I am not prepared to inflict that damage on the company. Again, not worth the effort.

 

 

But this kind of thing is why most authorities recommend leaving employment with an other person to get over an affair. Each time you see this guy is a constant reminder of it, makes it impossible to really "get over it." He's still harassing you.

 

My H and I both agreed that I should stay in my job but I have been actively looking for alternative employment since dday. I agree that our recovery would have been easier if I did not work with the ex-OM but I can assure you that I am definitely "over it". My husband can see this too - if not then he would have left my now.

 

Of course a lot of people in your position don't really want to get over it, completely. They will take the crumbs of the daily contact from their lost love/affair partner as part of the romantic fantasy of the true love that had to end.

 

Hope that is not you.

 

No, not me. As I said in my post earlier in this thread:

 

How does he make me feel now? Nothing

[donnamaybe]

There were feelings. This lady loves her husband and appears to be doing her best. If she were my WS I'd want her to deal fully with her feelings (whatever they may be) toward the OM else I'd be concerned something could be suppressed and later rear its head.

This is exactly what I was going to say. You had feelings. You can't shut them off like a water faucet. They have to be processed.

 

Janey, you are doing everything you can. Don't let the haters get you down. Hang in there honey!

[donnamaybe]

She FEELS a "loss." To pretend otherwise is stifling one's feelings, and anyone with any knowledge will tell you that is NOT a good thing. It's good to talk things out. It's not as if she's going up to her H and saying, "Gosh, honey, I sure miss the OM." She should be able to feel safe to talk them out here, of all places, where someone shouldn't take one phrase and wring every bit out of it they can in an attempt to shame her.

 

And, yes. There have been PLENTY of posters "hating on" Janey. Go read a few threads.