one month of nc. i made it...huzzah?

[Flabbergaster]

So xOW and i went NC a month ago yesterday. After about two years of passion, we were LC and far apart. The LC and far apart had been going on for a few months. When i suggested NC...she was actually happy to say 'good riddance.' She changed a lot during LC,and this let her feelings for me change. Good for her, she's thrown clear of the pain.

 

The first two or three weeks I couldn't breath. Now...there are good days and bad days. I miss her so much, and I know that's going to take a while to deal with. Therapy doesn't feel like it does anything, maybe it's too early to see benefits. Maybe time to try a new therapist.

 

In hindsight, spending more time with her than I would normally spend with my W may have been a bad idea? Probably wouldn't be this messed up, if I had spent less time with her?

 

I think there is a thin line between 'staying in the M' and 'leaving for the OW.' I think most MM don't come very close to that line, which is why most OW suffer more (they are ready but MM isn't). I...my toes were on that line, and I never believed in divorce before. I probably should have crossed the line and gotten a divorce. So that's the amount of feelings that I have to unwind / recover from.

 

I know that we're both better this way. I know that I should be happy that I manipulated her into letting go of love for me (several of her lifestyle changes contributed, she wasn't in therapy but i encouraged it). I know that I should let go of the fact that she doesn't want to hear from me ever again, that she was happy to go NC.

 

I should be happy with all of this...it's what i wanted for her since i wasn't leaving...she gets to move on and heal her scars and enjoy her life (rather than pine and suffer). I should be happy that they are probably finally getting married, now that she is past this.

 

While I know all these things, rationally...all that rational thought doesn't stop the pain.

It hurts like hell. I wish i could talk to her, walk with fingers together again, see her, smell her again (forgot her smell months ago). Do I wish that I had left for her, when she was waiting? Frequently. Can't go back, and she's not waiting anymore.

 

So life goes on. The M has been getting 'better,' in part because I'm 'home' more. My goal is to reach 'tolerable' again with the M. Later on i'll figure out what to do with the M, right now I'll start by reaching 'tolerable.'

 

Every day is a dark cloudy day, but without the happiness of thunder or rain. All I can do is keep moving forward, there is light somewhere at the end of this journey. Before going NC...there was no hope for finding that light.

 

The change from LC to NC was...much harder than I thought it would be. For those still in the woods...as much pain as I'm in, I do advise NC. Be ready for it to hurt, have a plan to deal with that pain. For most, therapy is a must.

 

Getting this far (going NC, getting through a month intact) would not be possible without...

-two confidantes that I shared almost everything with. They have voiced so much encouragement to me, have told me "i'm sorry it hurts" so many times, given me so much good advice, have not judged me once or told me how bad a person i am. Thank you a million times. My point is...dear readers, find someone you can confide in and talk with; it helps a lot. Sharing your secret helps.

-LS. I might be dead without LS. This forum taught me that my 'super intense' feelings were common for an A, taught me about LC, taught me about NC. Seeing others suffer and then get better gives me hope. Posting advice to OW helps me...a lot. Because I know how badly I hurt her, and I can't fully atone for that. I can help you a small amount, at least.

 

This isn't the day I'm ready to post my story, so I might not give very detailed answers to questions about how/what/why/when/where. This was a milestone day, with sadness. Time to do my first "i'm in pain, and still moving forward tears in my eyes" thread.

 

PS I realize that many posters here have different pain. That posting in someone's thread can be cathartic. Before posting about how terrible I am for being in an A, I would encourage you to look at some of the posts I've given to OW, MM, BS, and others. I've been here to try to help, and I try to be polite to everyone. Please don't attack me in this thread; feel free to attack me wherever else you see me post. If you must tell me off in this thread, I'm going to put you on my ignore list (currently it is empty). I'm sorry for your pain, but I don't spit on you when you're having a bad day. I'll tolerate rudeness to me when I'm posting in someone else's thread to help them, but not here.

[Silly_Girl]

Hey dude. I'm so glad for you. Your decision to alter things is not knee-jerk and you seem to have a good handle on things.

 

I started to wonder about the tactics re your M but I see that until things are 'tolerable' (sad face at that one) you might not be strong enough to take a view...

 

Keep moving forwards. Good luck.

[Amour7]

Flabbergaster,

Congratulations on making it a month. I have heard your pain and strength in so many of your posts to others. I can say, for my part, that your posts have been incredibly helpful, and I believe you have offered significant support to many women here who need it. I'm glad to see you to this forum for support for yourself. You deserve to find that here, too. It may go without saying, but as much as you have been rooting for people, there are those of us out here who are pulling for you, too. You are not alone, which is, I believe, something you have told us.

 

That said, I hesitate responding to the specifics of your post, because it sounds like you are trying hard to convince yourself that you are on the right path. I'm sure the majority of the people here will applaud you for this and will be able to show you there is a light at the end of tunnel. I haven't seen the light; I am still in the tunnel. I am still in the stupid, hopeless romantic stage of my life, even though I should know better. So, my disclaimer is, if you whole-heartedly believe NC and making your marriage tolerable is the way to go, or if you need to hang on to that perspective now, please read no further. Or read and refute my points. I don't mind.

 

So xOW and i went NC a month ago yesterday. After about two years of passion, we were LC and far apart. The LC and far apart had been going on for a few months. When i suggested NC...she was actually happy to say 'good riddance.' She changed a lot during LC,and this let her feelings for me change. Good for her, she's thrown clear of the pain.

I would say she felt rejected and probably wasn't "happy" but is trying to move away from the pain. I highly doubt she has "thrown clear of the pain." I don't say that to induce guilt, just to give you the OW perspective.

 

The first two or three weeks I couldn't breath. Now...there are good days and bad days. I miss her so much, and I know that's going to take a while to deal with. Therapy doesn't feel like it does anything, maybe it's too early to see benefits. Maybe time to try a new therapist.

Please don't give up on therapy. There is no harm in trying to find another one; if you don't find someone who is a better fit, you can go back to the first one.

In hindsight, spending more time with her than I would normally spend with my W may have been a bad idea? Probably wouldn't be this messed up, if I had spent less time with her?

 

I think there is a thin line between 'staying in the M' and 'leaving for the OW.' I think most MM don't come very close to that line, which is why most OW suffer more (they are ready but MM isn't). I...my toes were on that line, and I never believed in divorce before. I probably should have crossed the line and gotten a divorce. So that's the amount of feelings that I have to unwind / recover from.

Feelings of this magnitude, coupled with regret, this is a huge thing to recover from. I'm concerned about the regret. If I were you, it would take me a long time to recover from the loss, but regret? I don't know if I would ever feel resolved if there were a shot at you two making it work. Maybe there is no way in hell you two could make it work. OW perspective: if I had a SO during the time with a MM, and I loved the MM, the SO/finance would have only been there as a fallback. I would be having major doubts about getting married, at least deep down. If I were still planning to go ahead with the marriage, it would probably be to "rebound" from the A in a very concrete way. I did get married when I had reservations, and man, that is one of the biggest regrets of my life! I don't see how anyone has a chance at a good marriage if they were in love with someone else while "hanging on" to the eventual fiance like a fallback guy. I would doubt there is enough love in that R to have any prayer of it being satisfying for either of them. So, if that were me, I would be having doubts. If xMM contacted me and said he'd moved out and there was no pressure, but if I (OW) have doubts about the marriage and still have love for xMM, then lets talk.

 

Now, that is probably an overly romanticized scenario more appropriate for the movies. And you may never be willing to leave your marriage. I just hear how unhappy you are and it is painful to hear that you feel you have to stick it out and try to make it "tolerable." You don't have to explain to me or anyone else why that is; if that is what you need to do, then I am sorry for the burden you have to carry, and I support you. But really, if it isn't, move on. Maybe OW is no longer a possibility, but she isn't the reason your marriage is unhappy for you, right? I'm rambling and not sure I'm making sense. It is just heartbreaking from the AP perspective if the barriers to being together maybe aren't as impassable as you think.

I know that we're both better this way. I know that I should be happy that I manipulated her into letting go of love for me (several of her lifestyle changes contributed, she wasn't in therapy but i encouraged it). I know that I should let go of the fact that she doesn't want to hear from me ever again, that she was happy to go NC.

Do you really "know" you're better this way? Again, I think you're trying to convince yourself. If you know, truly know that you're better this way, then forgive me for what I've said, and go with what you know. You know better than anyone on this forum. Tune into what you know- just be sure it's not what you "know you should" be thinking or feeling.

I should be happy with all of this...it's what i wanted for her since i wasn't leaving...she gets to move on and heal her scars and enjoy her life (rather than pine and suffer). I should be happy that they are probably finally getting married, now that she is past this.

Pay attention to your "should" thoughts.

While I know all these things, rationally...all that rational thought doesn't stop the pain.

It hurts like hell. I wish i could talk to her, walk with fingers together again, see her, smell her again (forgot her smell months ago). Do I wish that I had left for her, when she was waiting? Frequently. Can't go back, and she's not waiting anymore.

 

So life goes on. The M has been getting 'better,' in part because I'm 'home' more. My goal is to reach 'tolerable' again with the M. Later on i'll figure out what to do with the M, right now I'll start by reaching 'tolerable.'

 

Every day is a dark cloudy day, but without the happiness of thunder or rain. All I can do is keep moving forward, there is light somewhere at the end of this journey. Before going NC...there was no hope for finding that light.

What is the light? Focus on the light. You must have a vision for what you want that is irrespective of the OW. That is good! Our future happiness shouldn't hinge upon another person. That's important for all of us to remember. But please set the bar high for the "light"- a "tolerable" marriage does not seem like enough.

The change from LC to NC was...much harder than I thought it would be. For those still in the woods...as much pain as I'm in, I do advise NC. Be ready for it to hurt, have a plan to deal with that pain. For most, therapy is a must.

 

Getting this far (going NC, getting through a month intact) would not be possible without...

-two confidantes that I shared almost everything with. They have voiced so much encouragement to me, have told me "i'm sorry it hurts" so many times, given me so much good advice, have not judged me once or told me how bad a person i am. Thank you a million times. My point is...dear readers, find someone you can confide in and talk with; it helps a lot. Sharing your secret helps.

-LS. I might be dead without LS. This forum taught me that my 'super intense' feelings were common for an A, taught me about LC, taught me about NC. Seeing others suffer and then get better gives me hope. Posting advice to OW helps me...a lot. Because I know how badly I hurt her, and I can't fully atone for that. I can help you a small amount, at least.

 

This isn't the day I'm ready to post my story, so I might not give very detailed answers to questions about how/what/why/when/where. This was a milestone day, with sadness. Time to do my first "i'm in pain, and still moving forward tears in my eyes" thread.

 

PS I realize that many posters here have different pain. That posting in someone's thread can be cathartic. Before posting about how terrible I am for being in an A, I would encourage you to look at some of the posts I've given to OW, MM, BS, and others. I've been here to try to help, and I try to be polite to everyone. Please don't attack me in this thread; feel free to attack me wherever else you see me post. If you must tell me off in this thread, I'm going to put you on my ignore list (currently it is empty). I'm sorry for your pain, but I don't spit on you when you're having a bad day. I'll tolerate rudeness to me when I'm posting in someone else's thread to help them, but not here.

I am so glad you have confidantes you can share your story and feelings with. Many of us out here don't, and I think it keeps us stuck. You are taking some important steps for yourself. I'm glad you were able to ask for what you need from other posters. I think you know, though, that you can't control what they choose to do, so it's good that you have the option to ignore them.

 

Wishing you support, peace, and love.

[BB07]

I wish you continued healing on your journey and I think that within a couple more months you will feel a lot lighter and more peace in your heart. You obviously are a very intelligent introspective man and I feel sure that you will work through this and come out on the other side.

 

I wish you all the best.........and sending you a big hug.

[Flabbergaster]

I feel so much better than I did a month ago. There's still a lot of healing to do. The journey continues.

To anyone contemplating ending an A...I would say "end it" more often than I would say "don't end it." While i'm in pain...being in the A still would be more painful long term.

 

Some days there are even smiles, haha :) which is a huge improvement over LC.

 

until things are ...

Keep moving forwards. Good luck.

Thank you. Every day is another step forward.

Yeah, i'm trying to work on my pain from the A ending before dealing with the M. I don't have clear objective view right now, so it's not the time to kneejerk divorce. Once the A is out of my system...maybe I'll realize the M is better than what my 'biased by the A' memory remembers...

 

 

Please don't give up on therapy. There is no harm in trying to find another one; if you don't find someone who is a better fit, you can go back to the first one.

Can't give up. An almost useless coach is better than no coach.

 

I don't know if I would ever feel resolved if there were a shot at you two making it work.

No shot, she's not in love anymore, and won't be put in a position to fall back into love (good for her). I entered NC because it was the best option I had. She was in pain, moved past the A, and made it clear that she never wants to hear from me again. Haha, she's stubborn enough that she won't compromise that, even if she wants to. Your MM is waking up to what he wants almost too late...I woke up too late. (note that i'm still concerned he's not good for you...)

 

I did get married when I had reservations, and man, that is one of the biggest regrets of my life!

I hope her M doesn't play out like that. Throw a coin into the fountain and wish...because I can't be involved, can't watch over her. Not allowed to be my responsibility anymore.

 

If xMM contacted me and said he'd moved out and there was no pressure, but if I (OW) have doubts about the marriage and still have love for xMM, then lets talk.

It would be so unfair of me to put that pressure and burden on her. Even if I did...at this point her answer would be "no, go away." The fact that it would have been "yes" in the past...that both comforts and hurts.

 

 

Maybe OW is no longer a possibility, but she isn't the reason your marriage is unhappy for you, right?

Good summation...absolutely correct. Yeah...this is probably the reason to keep with therapy. Once i deal with 'pain xOW,' I'll try to figure out and best deal with 'pain M'

 

But please set the bar high for the "light"- a "tolerable" marriage does not seem like enough.

You're right, thank you. One step at a time, that's step...2, or maybe 4

 

 

I wish you continued healing on your journey and I think that within a couple more months you will feel a lot lighter and more peace in your heart.

Thank you, that's my hope too.

[Jane Deaux]

FG,

 

Ohhhh man. My heart hurts for you and MW. I can only imagine what she went through. While reading your story then going on to read the posts, Amour said almost exactly everything I was thinking while reading. I highly doubt she is out of the pain right now. It seems that you may have tricked her into moving on, but that she may have also been able to convince you that she had. That is usually not the case. No matter how much it seems from the outside. What we want you to believe versus what we really feel is usually a huge difference. Also, not telling you that to make you feel bad. I know it hurts either way though, She is over you, She isn't over you.

 

A lot of people say and do things to convice you of having moved on in order to force your hand. They want you to miss them, they make a show of "moving on" so that if there is one last shot with you, you will FINALLY SEE that it IS what you want. I am not saying she is doing this. Like Amour said, you know yours and her situation better than any of us. But it is very normal for a person to pull that one last maneuver, like an unspoken ultimatum. Anyway, Just a thought.

 

I feel yours and her pain though. I can't imagine that if I were only engaged at this point and I had the emotions I have now for MM, that I would EVER go through a marriage to the fiance. I would have to leave the fiance as well, because I would know that he just wasn't right for me if I had been able to fall in love so deeply while with him.

 

Do you have no way of seeing, without her knowing, what is going on in her life? Or do you just not feel strong enough to do that right now?

 

Ahhhh, I just see your posts and I know it's crazy, but I want so badly for you to be happy. I'm sure part of it is because I see my situation in yours a little, and I want mine to work out. But also because the love you have for her is so obvious in your posts and it's so painful to see love like that not being fulfilled.

 

The best of luck with every path you choose. I do hope in time your life is full of happiness. Somehow or another. I hope that for all of us. That we can reach a point that we are fulfilled and happy. Not just treading our way through things trying to "make a go" of it because of (my reason) being afraid of peoples opinions, hurting family, children.

 

Again, Good Luck FG. And Good Job so far!

[lovingwhatis]

Oh flabbergaster, sending you a 1000 hugs!!

 

Ive been a big fan of your adivce posts to amour, and to read of your heartbreak really gets me.. You have a big heart, lots of compassion, and i dont know if its a male thing, but i see you not having same compassion for yourself. Be kind to yourself! So much guilt, so much humanity.. Of all the Mm or Om that have posted here, you've really opened up regarding the emotional impact of this on you.. I trust it is healing for you to share, for i know it is healing for others to read.

 

Im with amour and jane and the concerns they've pointed to. Like amour said, the should parts of this, somehow you've convinced yourself that you are not worthy of happiness. That is not so! None of us is unworthy of it, period! Only your mind is telling you this.

 

Quickly, find a new therapist, yours seems to be not a good match. I personally met with one yesterday, and she wasnt for me. Will continue to look. Also i can recommend other modalities if you are interested. There is a way out of this pain, i guarantee it.

 

Now go and do something good for yourself.

[Emme]

:bunny:Yay! Congrats on one month. I'm so proud of you. From the advice you give it seems like you had years under your belt. Thank's for posting and giving us your input from the male perspective. Love is hurtful no matter who is it. Just be happy and sad but just keep on smiling. :bunny:HUG:bunny:

[PorkRinds]

Even naughty forbidden sex can get old after a year or two.

 

Sounds like that's exactly what happened with your A.

 

Maybe if you stop romanticizing what you did you will have a better shot at getting past it.

 

You didn't break your OW's heart, and she didn't break yours. This was never any kind of great love affair. Don't make it something it's not.

 

Have you told your wife about your A?

Edited March 27, 2011 by PorkRinds

[Flabbergaster]

I would like to thank you for the politeness of your opposing viewpoint, especially the way you are trying to engage in conversation. Polite dissent encourages conversation and, often more importantly, introspection by all readers. Those who might disagree might think a bit upon your words. In fact I am now intrigued and plan to read your other posts, perhaps later in the day.

 

 

Even naughty forbidden sex can get old after a year or two.

Sounds like that's exactly what happened with your A.

I assure you it's not the case.

I would say that a PA does get boring after a bit...and then either ends or branches into an EA. This is not an extensive study, just my opinion from experiences of myself and others. I think that the woman is first to slip into the EA.

What became boring...was perhaps the way that she, when living alone, went to bed alone every night, unable to have me there next to her. Then when she was not living alone she went through the day unable to contact me, at night wondering why it wasn't me. More accurately, she became bored with the pain from this and moved on.

 

Maybe if you stop romanticizing what you did you will have a better shot at getting past it.

This is good advice for all of us on this forum, even for some of the other forums. I would agree that part of the intensity of an A is orver-romanticizing what it really is. Look to the recent post by a 'victorious' OW who tells us that dessert isn't quite as good as she expected (not to say all victorious OW lose). Actually i would further say that many times the loser in a breakup is stuck romanticizing the past, creating pain for themselves. I love how the movie _500 days of summer_ touches upon this with the flashback memories of 'how he remembers it' and 'what really happened.'

 

You didn't break your OW's heart, and she didn't break yours. This was never any kind of great love affair. Don't make it something it's not.

Ah, dear reader...walk in my shoes, it will seem different. Or perhaps you have, and simply recovered further? If so, then perhaps i will one day see things as you see them.

 

Have you told your wife about your A?

Hmm...i didn't divorce when i had everything I [thought, misguided or not] that i wanted to gain...so now that i'm on my knees in pain i should risk that?

Or my xOW, she should admit to her fiancee and immediately lose him? It could be argued that he's better than me (as a person); he would leave and she would be destroyed.

While I understand the "you need to admit what you've done to rebuild" argument, I don't agree with it and will not be convinced to agree with it. Perhaps in some cases it is a good step, I don't think it is a universal requirement for ending an A.

[whichwayisup]

I wish you continued healing on your journey and I think that within a couple more months you will feel a lot lighter and more peace in your heart. You obviously are a very intelligent introspective man and I feel sure that you will work through this and come out on the other side.

 

I wish you all the best.........and sending you a big hug.

 

I mirror what BB said. You have a very healthy way of thinking and processing things too.