Jane Deaux Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 And I get help I didn't know I needed. I read through all your problems and joys. I look for similarities in my own situation. I cry and laugh, inside of course because I don't wanna look crazy and I get answers I didn't even know I needed. For Example: One person posted to another something like it was better to be free and without the drama of something painful and hurtful everyday. And I see myself having this pain everyday. So focused and worried about what my MM is doing right now, or thinking right now, ect. I may not want to end my A but I am starting to realize my quality of life is not what I would wish on my friends or even an enemy. So I am going to start doing SOMETHING different. Maybe not ending it, but definitely not focus on him so much. Is this the beginning to the end? Maybe, maybe not. But I'm about to focus on me again. Because I have gotten out of hand. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Finally Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 Jane, And it spirals out of control fast. I think I have learned from my one affair (and it just ending, but one member says its not over) that things seem to happen faster in A's. Alot of good advice here and I wish I would of heeded it. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 That a girl! Good! There is nobody more valuable than you! Give yourself that much worth. You WILL be in a better place. Kudos! I am a HUGE fan of this advice. I would never have argued against it, but having lived how I have the last 6 months, versus the 6 months prior... yes, yes, YES!!!!!!! No matter what the relationship, or no relationship at all. However hard work has been, or the kids have driven you round the bend. YOU are precious and important and need to be looked after, and no one can do that as well as YOU can. The other stuff is nice, but really means little if you can't be good to yourself. I wish you lots and lots of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 It sounds like you want to be healthy again and honestly having been a MOW in an A, the whole A dynamic at first feels exciting and fills that void, but then it just becomes chaotic and painful. I remember that well and every time I looked at my kids I felt I was failing them. It was the darkest place I have ever been in my life. I also would never wish an A on anyone. It sounds like you are gaining knowledge from this site, I know LS helped me tremendously. I hope you find peace for yourself and find the direction that best suits you and your family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane Deaux Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 Thanks so much! I don't know how to quote several posts but I want to thank each of you. Right now I am trying to figure out a course of action, where to start. What small thing shall I do first??? Or big thing? Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 Thanks so much! I don't know how to quote several posts but I want to thank each of you. Right now I am trying to figure out a course of action, where to start. What small thing shall I do first??? Or big thing? Good for you, Jane!!! The first thing you could do is treat yourself to something nice. A massage, body scrub, facial, something relaxing or indulgent that is all about you. Then begin to take time off for you with your friends, family or even on your own. :bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
Leto Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 Personally, I live my life to the point that MM is shocked and amazed that I have so many things going on. My MM is not my whole world but a part of my world. And our relationship has been better than ever. I think in any relationship women tend to lose themselves and rely to heavily on thier partner. I say good luck, jump in. Enjoy. I know I started taking classes at night. I joined a few singles things. (which MM hates, but hey I need to have friends). Things are wonderful between us and even better I am never waiting by the phone for him to call. Link to post Share on other sites
SuzieWong Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 You must change this. A man must never be your life. This is only nice in a fairy tale or novel. You must be your main focus. I am so happy for you that you see this. Men love women even more when the women love themselves and are happy. Your lover will love you even more and your relationship will be more happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Jonah Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 And I get help I didn't know I needed. I'm about to focus on me again. You go girl! Do something nice for yourself every day. Link to post Share on other sites
Flabbergaster Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 Right now I am trying to figure out a course of action, where to start. What small thing shall I do first??? Or big thing? Just start putting your schedule first, his schedule last (or at least 3rd or 4th). Don't answer all the time, dont' respond immediately. Have a window that's convenient for him but not for you? change it. Take control of the situation, rather than let him be in control. example: OW would originally stay at office, since our offices were nearby and i worked a bit later. Than we would hang out for an hour or two. If she left on time, I would sit in parking lot an hour and talk to her on phone. Step 1: she started to leave at 5pm sharp occasionally step 2: she started to leave at 5pm every day, hell or high water. No more hanging out after work. Step 3: she started going to gym at 6pm some nights, so I couldn't call her then. For me, a big part of LS is that I can see i'm not alone, the intense feelings of the A were not as unique as I thought. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane Deaux Posted March 15, 2011 Author Share Posted March 15, 2011 Ooooyeah. Today, I'm cleaning. Not what I term nice for myself until the chore is actually over and then I feel accomplished and relaxed. You know how that feeling is just hanging over you when you have something you don't wanna do that needs to be done? Well me and my laundry have this battle weekly. So when it's done that will feel good. Flabbergaster: Again, thank you. I search all your posts to get all your insight. I'm stalking you so to speak. So thanks for posting, good and bad. This morning I missed a message from him and therefore didn't respond. My phone keeps me logged in but doesn't necessarily mean I'm there. So even though it wasn't real that I had ignored him I was still happy that I had missed it and appeared busy! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 Thanks so much! I don't know how to quote several posts but I want to thank each of you. Right now I am trying to figure out a course of action, where to start. What small thing shall I do first??? Or big thing? Start off small but make a big thing out of it! If that makes sense... Do what you can handle. Link to post Share on other sites
BB07 Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 Jane.......I hope you find some peace of mind and find a happier content place. Sometimes it's baby steps that get us there, but we can do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 Amen to that! This site really helps me from not calling him. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 15, 2011 Share Posted March 15, 2011 Amen to that! This site really helps me from not calling him. I suggest you burn anything that he's given you. Might make you feel better! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane Deaux Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 So far so good. Still not daydreaming at all hours about "what coulda been". And not sitting around wondering why he isn't contacting me! Got a lot done. I'm happier and more carefree than I've been in weeks! Thanks everyone! Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 So far so good. Still not daydreaming at all hours about "what coulda been". And not sitting around wondering why he isn't contacting me! Got a lot done. I'm happier and more carefree than I've been in weeks! Thanks everyone! Yayyy!!!! Happy and carefree is a GREAT feeling! Link to post Share on other sites
26pointblue Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Personally, I live my life to the point that MM is shocked and amazed that I have so many things going on. My MM is not my whole world but a part of my world. And our relationship has been better than ever. I think in any relationship women tend to lose themselves and rely to heavily on thier partner. I say good luck, jump in. Enjoy. I know I started taking classes at night. I joined a few singles things. (which MM hates, but hey I need to have friends). Things are wonderful between us and even better I am never waiting by the phone for him to call. Hi Leto. Don't want to thread-jack but wanted to say this is exactly the stage that I'm at & it really does make things with MM much better. I can relate! Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 And I get help I didn't know I needed. Thanks for that, it answers my own question as to why I am still here. thats why! But I'm about to focus on me again. Because I have gotten out of hand. What a great way to put it and what a revelation none of us should feel bad about coming to from time to time " I am out of hand". Its funny, but spot on. I think I need a name tag that says it sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane Deaux Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 Thanks for that, it answers my own question as to why I am still here. thats why! What a great way to put it and what a revelation none of us should feel bad about coming to from time to time " I am out of hand". Its funny, but spot on. I think I need a name tag that says it sometimes. You are so welcome! Take it and use it as your own! I don't come here for something specific, but I take a lot away each day. It's because I don't always know just what it is that's needing help but somehow it always gets helped. And yes, I was totally out of hand! My emotions were all over the place and I wasn't focused like I needed to be on daily life! It wasn't pretty. yech. Link to post Share on other sites
TurboGirl Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 Amen to that! This site really helps me from not calling him. Me too. We are in NC... I'm still kind of in shock some days about the entire playing out thing... I was preparing to end it and, shall we say, asked a few pointed questions via text (GOD forbid the lazy SOB would actually call me during the day) and then he told me via text that he thought a break was a good idea... and I texted back can we talk, No response... emailed, no response... so that's what I get after 2.5 years of my life, I ask something he didn't want to hear, and then BAM. He can go * * * * himself, truly, but I do want my say. Not that it will do any good, but I want my say. I am at the point of writing emails, telling him off... wanting to send it but I don't... I don't want him to know that I cared that much. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 Me too. We are in NC... I'm still kind of in shock some days about the entire playing out thing... I was preparing to end it and, shall we say, asked a few pointed questions via text (GOD forbid the lazy SOB would actually call me during the day) and then he told me via text that he thought a break was a good idea... and I texted back can we talk, No response... emailed, no response... so that's what I get after 2.5 years of my life, I ask something he didn't want to hear, and then BAM. He can go * * * * himself, truly, but I do want my say. Not that it will do any good, but I want my say. I am at the point of writing emails, telling him off... wanting to send it but I don't... I don't want him to know that I cared that much. Do write, just never send. Infact, write and do it in word NOT email client. Just incase you're tempted... Also, you don't want to feed his ego. Let him wonder.. Silence is golden and says alot more than words can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane Deaux Posted March 21, 2011 Author Share Posted March 21, 2011 Okay Ladies, and guys , It's Monday, How did the weekend go???? Mine was great. I had a fabulous road trip and focused on me and my kids! Link to post Share on other sites
TurboGirl Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Okay Ladies, and guys , It's Monday, How did the weekend go???? Mine was great. I had a fabulous road trip and focused on me and my kids! Honestly? The first thing I do around 10:30 every Monday morning is check my email address, the one I had just for him, to see if he emailed me. Naturally, there is never a message and my heart breaks just a smidge again. But I am toughening up, getting harder inside. Sound like you had a good weekend at least! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jane Deaux Posted March 21, 2011 Author Share Posted March 21, 2011 Oh TG, I hate that feeling. I guess I am thankful that at least I know that at some point in the day there will be talking and so forth. We aren't in NC. I just struggle with longing for more normal contact than he can give. I understand why it's this way obviously, but don't like it. So I'm trying to get a grip on that need and make myself not care when he contacts me. It's easier than sitting around in my head waiting. I may have been physically getting busy but mentally, I was WAITING on that contact. It was driving me crazy. I have gotten a grip just a little, but not nearly enough. Today I was sick and in bed, so that was hard. Just staring and waiting. And thinking, he doesn't feel the need to talk to me enough to log in at 8 am on the dot, he can just wait till 10 or 11...WHY????!!!CURSES!!!! And that is just crazy on my part! lol. No need for all that. So I am working on myself to not make such a big deal in my head just because he doesn't contact me till 10. Well anyway, I guess I had a bad day after all.... just gave myself away and told on myself to myself :/ TG, Are you going to keep NC when he tries to break NC? Because from reading your posts, it doesn't seem as if he is done. Link to post Share on other sites
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